Chapter Text
dear ushijima wakatoshi (aka my bestest bestie),
i'll buy you a new bed and you can sleep in the spare room<33 i'll promise to be softer too so pls forgive me :(( ilyy
xoxo,
tooru
"Thanks Oikawa," said Ushijima. He was so sick and tired of it all that it started to numb him slowly.
"Welcome bestie!!" Oikawa said with a quick kiss on his cheek.
Why couldn't he just stop? Why couldn't he just love him like he did back in the beginning? It wasn't even love anyways. All he ever wanted was for Tooru to love him back. He just wanted to hold Oikawa in his arms, knowing that Oikawa was fully his, and his only.
For just once, he would do anything to have that, literally anything, even if it meant quitting volleyball and not playing it anymore. For just this once, he would do all that to make Oikawa love him back.
He decided he would hold on a little longer. Just a little more. No less, no more.
..
Oikawa was beautiful.
He was everyone's dream guy.
He had luscious and wavy brown curls. eyes that had a faint glint in them when he smiled. a body like a greek god. like apollo. like a twink greek god.
He first saw him at the inter-junior high volleyball competition.
The way he played volleyball, his passion for it and the way he could lead his team left Ushijima in awe.
Not to mention the way he looked while playing volleyball, drenched in sweat, with his clothes sticking to his skin, he looked gorgeous and graceful, in short, he was in love with Oikawa and he was down bad.
..
Ushijima had just gotten into Shiratorizawa's volleyball team. He'd been looking forward to seeing the setter from Kitagawa Daiichi. but when the roll call came, none of their names sounded familiar. except Tendou and Semi.
"Excuse me coach, but is Oikawa from Kitagawa Daiichi here?" he had asked.
"Well," his coach snapped, scowling at Ushijima, "Why is that boy? But no there is not an 'Aikawa' or 'Oikawa' here in this club. And, mind your goddamned business or you're out. Got it?"
"Oh, ok. Yes coach. Thank you coach."
Ushijima wondered.
He wondered why Oikawa didn't come to Shiratorizawa. it confused him. He was fit for Shiratorizawa and Shiratorizawa was fit for him. it was the only school that could accommodate Oikawa's talent in this prefecture.
The way he almost crushed Ushijima’s team was enough to bag a place in any school in the prefecture. Heck even in Tokyo.
And maybe, just maybe, Ushijima wanted to see that pretty face again and maybe kiss it like the dainty little thing it is.
He sees him at the spring tournament, talking with his friends. his familiar teal and white shirt reads 'Oikawa', number 7.
Oikawa is in Aoba Johsai, Ushijima registers.
He feels…relieved.
Ununderstandably relieved.
But as much as he is relieved he is angry. not only at Oikawa but also at himself for not understanding why Oikawa chose Aoba Johsai and mad at Oikawa for choosing a school and a team with teammates that will never be able to bring out the best in Oikawa and use it to the fullest.
The first thing he says when he meets Oikawa is not "You're pretty" or "Your sets were good" or the generic "Hello, hi, how are you" but the iconic:
"You should've come to Shiratorizawa"
To which Oikawa obviously scoffs at.
"Now who are you , pretty boy?"
His breathing stops for a second and his heart pains with a pang.
'Pretty boy'
Maybe his admiration is more than what it seems to be.
"Ushijima Wakatoshi. I'm a first year student in Shiratorizawa. The school I just mentioned and the school you should've gone to," Ushijima replies smoothly but sternly with his usual poker face.
"Ew you're so plain and simple," Oikawa said as he made a gagging sound, "even Iwa-chan is more interesting than you!"
A boy whom he assumed to be the said "Iwa-chan" threw a volleyball at Oikawa's head as soon as he said that and shouted, "SHUT UP SHITTYKAWA!"
Oikawa blushed. his mellow and pale skin flushed into a bright and healthy shade or red.
"Sorry!" he said as he made the ' :p ' face.
His heart pained again.
But in a sad, painful way.
..
Every time they met, whether in tournaments or coincidentally, he would always say these words that made the entire aoba johsai volleyball team howl with laughter, no matter how many times he said it.
"You should've come to Shiratorizawa"
Oikawa cackled and rolled on his stomach.
"Stupid Wakato- , wait no Ushiwaka sounds better-, stupid Ushiwaka-chan, you never fail to crack me up!"
On some days it would annoy Oikawa and he would bash Ushijima until Ushijima felt that sad pain again.
But he still told him to no end because it was a fact. A fact that Ushijima believed in and when you believe in something, you preach it no matter what.
So that's what Ushijima did.
He also told it to other people whenever Oikawa was the topic of a conversation, which was seen as an obsession, when really, he was stating a fact that needed to be known.
..
"Hello Ushijima-chan!" said Oikawa
"Oh. Hello Oikawa-san," said Ushijima as he snapped out of his trance.
"Nice to…see you here… Oh well. See you around I guess," Oikawa drawled in a disappointed way.
The next few times they met, Oikawa surprisingly didn't avoid him, but he did act a bit uncomfortable towards him. Although he did start to warm up eventually.
Which got Ushijima's hopes up.
Which was probably bad.
..
Sometimes, when they shared classes, he would try to sit close to Oikawa.
And sometimes, if he was lucky, Oikawa would let him sit there.
It was paradise for Ushijima.
But he wanted more.
No, he needed more.
..
"Oikawa-san, would you go out with me?" he blurted out one day after many shots of vodka.
Oikawa laughed.
Hard.
"Oh Ushijima! You are so funny. I have many admirers, and I have to say you are not half as handsome as they are! I cannot disappoint my fans by dating you!" laughed Oikawa, drunkenly as he tried folding a plate.
Ushijima frowned a little.
"But we could be fuck buddies, if you want," Oikawa smirked groggily, "I need someone to fill this pretty hole of mine."
Caught in the moment, Ushijima gave a curt nod and straddled Oikawa to the bedroom and made love to him.
He gave Oikawa beautiful blooming red flowers on his inner thighs, and everywhere that couldn't be seen by the public ("I don't want iwa chan to see them," he whined), he planted them messily, but they looked gorgeous on him.
He wished those flowers would stay there forever, so as long as those marks were there, Oikawa would belong to him.
But, reality is harsh.
And Ushijima's, was just a lot harsher than others.
..
He saw Oikawa kissing boys, and occasionally girls when he felt they deserved it.
In public, in the bathrooms, in the storage rooms, in the alleyways, name it and Oikawa has a 9 out of 10 chance he has done it there.
Kissing. He hopes.
Although sometimes he spots them touching Oikawa in places he wished only he could touch.
But Ushijima can only stand there and look as his 'fuck buddy' have other people initiate sex with him.
Oikawa had told him many times that he wasn't the only one because he needed more to satisfy himself and Ushijima just wasn't enough.
And Ushijima just went along with it because, in that moment of time, in that split moment, he felt that Oikawa belonged to him and him only.
It sounds selfish, but the truth is, he only wants Oikawa, for all along, since the day he met him, he already was Oikawa's and nothing could change that.
Even if they weren't together, a part of him would still be Oikawa's, because as they say, first loves are always the ones you remember the most.
And sometimes these memories will haunt you for the rest of your life.
..
One time after they had sex (Ushijima thought of it as making love to each other but Oikawa kept calling it fucking, but eventually they decided on the good old 'having sex'), Ushijima took up the initiative to ask Oikawa out on a date to watch the latest sci-fi movie.
At first Oikawa declined Ushijima, but he then agreed to watch the movie only because he was looking forward to the movie for months.
Or so he says.
But then again he goes out with many people on first dates, so Ushijima isn't the first one he's done this to, he reckons.
But surprisingly, they go on second dates, third dates, fourth dates, you get it.
And almost each time, they kiss at the end of it.
He was happy,
During the third date, which was when they went to the Planetarium's Sky Cinema, he made out with Oikawa, their tongues intertwined, and their hands all over the other.
All while the boring astrologist explained basic space science.
He felt happy to be on these dates.
Oikawa was sweet and kind on these dates. He never was when they were in school or with their friends, but here? He held hands with Ushijima, he went and hung out with Ushijima, he even talked to Ushijima like his average friend.
"What are we?" he asks
"We're obviously best friends. Like duh? Thought you knew."
Oh.
"Just confirming."
..
During their second year, Ushijima rented out a small two bedroom apartment.
With Oikawa.
They were living together.
It was originally just Ushijima but Oikawa kept complaining about his roommate after sex and one thing led to another and here they are.
Living together. In the same bed in the same room of a two bedroom apartment.
Oikawa became more… domestic and cute.
He would allow Ushijima to give him more kisses.
Kisses on his forehead, kisses on his cheeks and even, kisses on his lips.
And sometimes Oikawa did them to Ushijima.
..
In the mornings after Oikawa woke up, with his hair all messy, he would stroke Ushijima's cheeks, which surprisingly did not lead to sex as much as he thought it would.
He was glad they were 'dating'
But as the saying goes, you can have it all, but not all at once, although he hadn't had it all. Yet.
..
On those days Oikawa was not on duty at the konbini down the street, he would be out late into the night, sometimes coming home in the wee hours and sometimes he would not come home until the next morning.
Ushijima was worried for Oikawa. Sometimes he would come home with bruises or black eyes.
Once, he came home crying.
He had thought that Ushijima was asleep and so he cried.
But he wasn't and his cries pierced Ushijima’s heart painfully but to save Oikawa's face, he kept quiet and let his tears roll down his face as he tried to sleep.
They both cried themselves to sleep.
What tore Ushijima apart slowly, wasn't that Oikawa was having sex with other people, but the fact that Oikawa had sex with other people, and that hurt him physically and emotionally. and mentally a bit too.
But he couldn't afford to be torn apart.
Oikawa needed him.
He needed him to lean on after a tiring night.
And so Ushijima pulled himself together.
For Oikawa.
Or so he had thought.
..
One day he asked Oikawa if they were dating.
He cackled cruelly. (Not literally but to Ushijima it was. Cruel i mean.)
"Oh Ushiwaka, heck no, if anything, it would be me and Iwa-chan who would be dating!"
"Oh. Ok."
..
After that Oikawa started to bring men into their house and sleep with them.
In the very same bed Ushijima made love to him in, he had sex with other people who were anyone but Ushijima.
At first Ushijima quietly accepted it and slept on the couch. It wasn't like Oikawa was exclusively having sex with him. And it was just their bed. It's nothing significant
Eventually, it became more frequent and the dollar store earplugs weren't working, so he stayed at Semi's loft which was a few blocks away.
He tried to come back every morning to change and shower while Oikawa slept in another man's arms.
It's okay. He thought. That's what he usually does anyways. What's the difference if he does it on our bed? It's just a bed.
Although he thought like that, he told Oikawa he needed his bed back, even the usually chill Semi was complaining about him staying over, and the circumstances that led him there.
All Oikawa did was give him a letter that said:
dear ushijima wakatoshi (aka my bestest bestie),
i'll buy you a new bed and you can sleep in the spare room<33 i'll promise to be softer too so pls forgive me :(( ilyy
xoxo,
tooru
"Thanks Oikawa," said Ushijima tiredly.
"Welcome bestie!!" Oikawa said with a quick kiss on his cheek.
The next week, his new bed arrived with some farm-themed bed sheets and a cow pattern blanket that Oikawa gifted him because of his 'farm obsession' that he apparently had.
The bed was fine but Ushijima wasn't.
Oikawa didn't get any softer, and even if he was, Ushijima could hear him moaning in another man's arms still, but in his head.
Then one day, Oikawa told him, "Oh my god Ushiwaka, me and Iwa-chan are dating now! Thanks for letting me realize!"
Oh.
So that's why the shoes were always the same pair.
"Oh uh… you're welcome Oikawa-san,” he said confused as to how he’d helped him ‘realize’.
If anything, he wanted Oikawa to date him, not Iwaizumi.
"Why so formal? Aren't we besties? Drop the formalities, it's fine!", Oikawa tilted his head, smiling gleefully.
'Aren't we besties'
All of a sudden, all hell broke loose.
He had enough. Oikawa had hurt him enough .
"I'm not your bestie," Ushijima whispered, trying to keep it in
"Hmm? Did you say something?" Oikawa asked, trying to see if he had heard correctly.
"I'M NOT YOUR GODDAMNED BESTIE, OIKAWA!"
Oikawa stared at him in utter shock.
"You're always bestie this bestie that, but aren't I just a convenient fling that's always by your side, whenever you need me? I'm not your bestie and most definitely not your boyfriend but back then when we first moved in, you treated me like i was, and then when i asked you, you pushed me away and started fucking with people,"
Oikawa started sobbing.
"I gave you my whole heart, and you broke it into pieces. And I loved you so much that it hurts every day of my life. It's killing me. It hurts so bad, Oikawa," he cries, eyes red and swollen.
"So, i beg that you love me back, it doesn't have to be as much as i love you, but just love me back, even if the love you have for me is scarce, even if you hate me with that love you have for me, i beg that you please just, just love me back"
"Please," he begs pathetically on the floor as Oikawa looks down on him crying.
"I'm sorry Ushijima, i- i don't think i can yet. Bu-"
"It's fine then,” he gave up, two years, just gone in an instant.
“At least you gave me closure. You're better off now anyways, with Iwaizumi, right? He's been coming here lately hasn't he? He got addicted to your ass isn't he? Like every other guy. Like me," he says rapidly, tears blurring his vision.
They cry in silence for a while.
Oikawa tries to speak but he can't make out a word.
They both go to bed sobbing themselves to sleep again, head filled with thoughts and memories of each other, their rivalry, their house, their complicated relationship.
It was not a peaceful night for both of them.
..
The next morning, Oikawa walks out of his room to see Ushijima clad in his usual khaki shorts and t-shirt, luggage all around him.
"No," Oikawa whispers in denial, "Ushijima, no."
"I'm sorry Oikawa-san. This has gone for far too long. And it's fine. I let you lead me on even though I could clearly see the leash you had on me the whole time," he apologizes," Also, what I said yesterday was in the spur of the moment. I really didn't mean for you to hear all that."
"Wait! Ushiwaka! It's fine! You can stay, I reall-" doesn’t mi
He couldn't bear to hear him anymore as he opened the door
He couldn't call this place home anymore.
Not when he had made Oikawa cry.
Not when ‘Iwa-chan’ came here as more than a friend.
"Oikawa-san, do you love me?" he said before he left, "I know i was the one who asked you to stay at first, but i need to know how long i will be gone. Do you love me?"
"I- I…don't know…"
"That settles it then. Thank you Oikawa-san. I'll come tomorrow to get more of my things."
"Wait! Ushiwaka!"
"Yes, Oikawa-san?"
"What would you have done if I said I loved you?"
"I would've still moved out, but until you ask me to move back in."
"Why?"
"Because we would still need a break from each other, this was too much for us to handle either way, whether you loved me or not."
Oikawa's eyes looked damp with guilt and regret.
"It's not your fault though, Tooru. I let myself get led on and I trusted you blindly and it's okay, I don't blame you," Ushijima comforted with a painful hinge to his voice.
How funny it was to comfort Oikawa when he needed it the most. when he needed it the most.
"Thanks, Ushiwaka. See you around I guess."
Oikawa is full on crying snot and tears right now.
"Yeah. See you too."
Except, Ushijima didn't really want to see him again.