Chapter Text
the scene is repeatedly going round and round in his head, whether he wanted to or not. jay visualizes it and carefully dissects what was happening at that time. what could went wrong.
it starts with an empty chair at their lunch table on their first day of school. it was not uncommon, seeing that they sometimes had their moment to finish their meal and hang out with their group of friends, seeing that they were mostly from a different class. even jay himself had busy discussing plans with his photography club some other times, he rarely talked to his usual friends.
it shouldn't be strange. until sunghoon spoke up: "looks like jungwon is avoiding us."
jay already had at least a small drop of concern that stemmed from his own thoughts, but he had (within a few dozen seconds of realizing they were missing one person at the table) thought jungwon might not have come to school because he hadn't seen him at all that day.
but to be honest, he wanted to meet jungwon again the most.
then, at that statement, he glanced up from the tray with a jolt that made jake beside him jump. "what did you do to him?"
"what did we do? more like, what he did,” sunghoon corrected. he looks a little offended by jay's accusation as if they are bad people who want to hurt and stab his own friend. "he dipped the whole summer."
"the most worrisome thing out of everything," heeseung pointed with his chopsticks. jake nodded as he chewed. “as you knew already, less than a week since the beginning of the vacation we all wanted to go swimming together. including him. but he never came."
now jay has completely stopped eating. "and then?"
"then, we tried to contact him. maybe he was sick or something. didn't pick up, didn't answer. jake stopped by his house one day, and his parents didn't even let him in to see him. "
"actually," jake cleared his throat. “i think that jungwon's parents didn't know what happened to him as well. as if jungwon told them not to accept anyone who wanted to see him, you know?"
"that's even more strange..." sunghoon frowns and pokes his lettuce on the tray.
jay was still staring at jake, who shrugged at him. that's when he remembered the memory, all the while sunghoon and heeseung debated whether they had made jungwon offended and hate them over something. he remembered that time. the last time he met the boy was before he left the country and claimed a vacation to his father's house in seattle.
the others were playing soccer in the field, and jay paused to catch his breath. lying on the green grass, feeling the air starting to get humid under one of the trees. he felt another figure beside him, sitting with his legs spread out. he immediately knew who it was. he already recognized him from the sweater. he said you sucked at playing soccer. then jungwon laughed. laughed like he couldn't believe jay told him that. i have no intention of winning. but jay won't believe it. because he saw the sweat that fell off his face while they were playing, as well as his determined face. jungwon just didn't want to admit that his legs couldn't cooperate well to dribble the ball. i heard hyung will leave abroad. jungwon said that, and jay was quite surprised because as much as he was aware, he didn't seem to tell anyone that yet. (jay now remembers that he opened an airplane ticket purchase application in front of jungwon). at that time jay finally admitted about his plans for the next few months. jungwon just listened, he couldn't see his face in that position, he regretted not looking up. only when the others finally called them both, jay rose from his place. jungwon smiled sweetly at him, with dimples on his cheeks, and bright eyes.
see you later, don't you ever miss me, he joked. that's the last thing he said to him. jay just laughed, thinking about many things he wanted to say but he didn't do, and he just patted jungwon's hair before they both returned to join the others.
the scene kept replayed like a tape over and over again because that was his last memory of the old jungwon.
they didn't see him at school until a week later. that too was like a coincidence. jay and sunghoon, who are in the same class, were in PE. they ran on the field track in the first period. there was another class playing volleyball on the court beside them, and the ball was knocked out of the area past them to the back of the building. he told sunghoon that he'll ditch that tiring activity and pretend to go and volunteer to get the ball. sunghoon only shook his head while laughing at him.
jay followed the bouncing ball, and it leads to a dead-end in the back garden. there, he almost did not notice his presence, if not for the sound of his breathing.
in one corner he sits down, wearing a gray hoodie jacket, hugging his legs.
"jungwon!" jay is instantly brightened when he sees him. "where have you been all this time?"
jungwon didn't answer. even his face, he realized, seemed to radiate fear. beneath his hoodie, jungwon is illuminated with shadows and his skin, which was always originally pale, seemed even paler. jay confirms maybe that jungwon has been ill. as the conclusion they have made (the most rational one out of the other conclusions filled with absurd conspiracies about the disappearance of jungwon), that jungwon was seriously sick and it could be contagious to others. that's why he didn't want to meet them all.
"why are you sitting here and not going to class?" asked jay, picking up the ball next to the flowers. "i hope you're fine, otherwise imma have to force you to go to the clinic."
jungwon's expression didn't change. his lips formed a thin line, as if he wanted to speak but held himself back. jay wanted to speak again, wanted to at least make jungwon reply, just as jungwon looked down at his shoes. his shoulders rose and fell significantly. he could even hear the sound of his heavy breathing. then, jungwon looked back at him and jay noticed a strange change in his face. his eyes, to be precise. glowed yellow like when you pointed a flashlight right at him.
before jay could react anymore, jungwon stood up and walked past him without saying anything.
"aren't you guys worried about him?" at lunchtime, jay asked this.
now, knowing the gray hoodie jacket he was wearing, jay is aware of him. he saw jungwon several times after that. but he doesn't mix with anyone, at least that was what he realized. he always appeared in the obscure location, like right now at the cafeteria. he is sitting alone at a table hidden in the shadows, with a small portion of lunch on his tray which he did not touch at all.
"i don't have any idea what to do," replied jake. "If i approached him too close, i'm afraid that i might bother him."
"you saw when i tried to greet him in the hall before," sunghoon said to jay. "he turned and hurried away from there. what else can we do? "
"but we don't even know what happened to him."
"sometimes friendships can end without a definite reason," heeseung commented. jay gave him a stare and he just sighs. "i'm kidding. i wanted to know why he looked so gloomy so bad — the gloomiest jungwon i have ever seen. what makes the most cheerful boy like that? "
"trauma?" jake guessed, and the other three raised eyebrows.
"It's just that, i don't know, i feel like a bad friend," heeseung muttered. "because he can't open up to us after whatever happens to him."
"i told you, he might need time," said sunghoon.
jay is pretty stubborn. being silent is not his preference, especially if he knew jungwon was there and he can easily approach him. so that's what he did. he puts his lunch aside and walks over, ignoring the words of his friends who tried to tell him not to mess around.
he is worried. more than that, he had a gut feeling that something worse had happened to jungwon. and he wanted to help.
sfter passing a few people, jay arrived in front of jungwon's table. the boy doesn't even get a drink, which is odd, because he usually gets dehydrated easily.
he hasn't said anything. out of the corner of his eye, he found his friends observing them silently from across the cafeteria.
"jay hyung." jungwon did not look up at all, only looked down at his hands on the table. his voice was small, a little hoarse. and jay realized that were the first words jungwon said to one of them. "go off."
"why?" jay pulled up the chair opposite him and sat down.
"just... you need to go."
"may i know the reason?"
"i..." jungwon began. his brows are furrowed and his fingers are irregularly tapping the surface of the table.
"It's okay. i'm listening." he leaned his head over his hands so he could hear more clearly.
jungwon immediately pushes himself back to the chair and shuts his eyes. "no."
"please, jungwon, let me help you."
but jungwon shakes his head. "go." yet jay didn't want to go. there is no way he could just leave. on the other hand, he was so confused by jungwon's attitude, his mannerism there is something strange about him, but he didn't quite sure what. jungwon, seeing that jay would not move away, did exactly that instead. jungwon nearly shook the table when he got up left the room.
jay looks back at his friends. the three of them not only have a look full of concern but also reflecting various expressions of confusion. heeseung then pointed with his thumb towards where jungwon was going.
so he followed the black-haired boy down the hall. even though he called jungwon, he didn't respond, he continued to walk fast. jay ran and finally caught his wrist.
"let me go," said jungwon firmly.
"at least tell me that you are fine."
there is a pause, jungwon took a deep breath before speaking. and in a depressed voice, "you're just making this worse."
"what exactly? tell me, jungwon."
one second. one second seemed to disappear from jay's sight and he did not know what happened to him that second. all he knew, suddenly he was pushed against the wall behind him, a pressure that was quite hard in the blink of an eye, and it was done by jungwon himself. he put both hands on jay's shoulders, gripping him. but at that time jungwon still looks down, to the floor. breath gasping again.
"no."
again, he left him there, run away to the stairs, before jay could catch him up again.
more or less the incident made jay even more restless than before. however, his friends had a point. nothing can be done. he attended class and in the last hour busied himself by finishing his anthropology essay. for several hours he wrote about the development of european culture in its dark age and his attention was devoted more to observing how the aristocrats made their dresses and suits with their fine cloth on a channel on youtube. until sunghoon who sat behind him threw a piece of an eraser at him and gestures at the clock on the classroom wall.
there are still a few teen minutes left, but sunghoon's point is, park jongseong usually won't focus on any assignments in that period so it's strange to see him still trying to fill in lines on his notes when their teacher has decided to make it homework.
"dude, do you want to go to pc bang?" asked sunghoon when they were in front of the school gate, sipping the juice they bought earlier on the pretext of trying to calm jay.
he didn't tell him about jungwon pushing him against the wall until his shoulders hurt a bit (quite bad he could still feel his grip), and only told the trio that jungwon just walked away without saying anything. somehow it became something he didn't want to talk about. jay himself is not sure how that happened, or if he is just imagining himself being pushed. but why?
when jake finally arrives, they head to their favourite place not far from school on the same route he came home to.
jake and sunghoon are talking about one of their summer anecdotes. and it took jay a little more effort to listen because his guts came back. the foreboding appeared on the nape of his neck and manifested in the corner of his eye into a dark shadow, and then he saw a figure in the small alley beside them.
jay half wished he never saw him at all.
it kept him sitting on his bed for most of the night after that. made him think about the blearing possibilities of the perception that his experience gave him.
in his left hand, he held his cellphone. the screen showed a small flickering on the typewriter box that he didn't know what to fill in. the contact indicated jungwon's name, with the last speech bubble about three months ago. The last chat was when jay was at the airport, nervous because it was the first time he was going to see his father again. and amid that chaotic heart, someone sent a message to him, be careful on the way, jay hyung! I hope you can have a good time with your father for sure! oh yeah don't forget about your ridiculous bicep competition, get ready because sunghoon hyung and jake hyung said that they have scheduled lots of times to bulk up lololol. so he spent his time waiting for the flight chatting with jungwon and it calmed his heart for the better.
the typing box is still blinking now and jay doesn't know what to write down now. does he even deserve to ask jungwon anything?
the alarm clock on the table indicates that there are still five minutes until midnight. maybe the boy is already asleep. jay sighed loudly and lay down on his bed.
what happened this afternoon was this: on the way to pc bang when the conversation about biceps was heating up, jay noticed a familiar person on one of the narrow streets. he could be wrong, but then again, his guts. so he told the others first and said he missed something in class. jay went down that lane quietly, the alleyway that meets the backsides of each house, and heard voices from there.
there are at least two of them. males. but it is strange. they were replying to each other, but from their tone, it seemed as if they wanted to provoke another person who was with them. the closest jay can get is a hideaway between rows of trash cans at the turn. he tries to be careful not to get caught because he knows that his blonde hair can easily attract anyone's attention. the conversation became rougher, defiant. but he still didn't know what they're actually saying. like a violent murmur. jay moves around the trash can to get a better look and eavesdrop, but he didn't notice his footing. there was a black plastic on his step that made a sound. he retreated in an instant, at the same time the voices stopped, and he beats himself up for acting like a clumsy character in a horror movie. just when he thought he was going to be found, something significant happened. or at least he could hear it happened.
at first, he didn't understand what is going on. but he soon understood that there was a fight. there is a moored blow, the sound of something or someone falling to the ground, the sound of a kick from the leg. it all occurs like lightning. jay thinks: this is bullying. he wanted to get up, reveal himself, but a thought came to him that he didn't even know who it was. he didn't clearly see jungwon.
his morals told him it was pointless. whether he's there or not jay can do something about the scene. helping someone.
again he felt a slow person. because it sounded like the fight had stopped abruptly while his mind is still processing and hasty footsteps approaching. jay stuck to the side of the trash can, hoping that whoever didn't see him was hanging his life in that smelly place.
whoever it is walking and dragged its body forward with a ragged breath. and just like his biggest fear, jay finds a gray hoodie jacket and black hair emerging. jungwon who walks like a doll. jungwon who didn't see him because he was so fixated on the road in front of him. one thing jay is aware of is the blood gushing from him. blood that made traces behind him.
he closed his mouth and looked down at the same time when jungwon, who was walking away, turned his head over his shoulder.
a glimpse of his illuminated face was visible, blood was pouring out of his mouth, and his eyes. the glow in his eyes returned.
if it's really a bullying, and if jungwon is the victim, should jay come out and help him who is covered in blood? shouldn't he be hiding? but why were his guts filled with an unreasonable fear? why should he be afraid of jungwon?
his legs regained their strength after a while. he just realized his heart was beating fast as if he had finished a marathon. jay rose and followed jungwon, but when he took the direction of one of the turns, the boy had disappeared.
jay had returned to the scene of the fight, and what he found were the two guys he recognized as thugs from Jake's class lying unconscious on the ground. there were also traces of blood on them. he immediately left that place after knowing this.
now because of that, he couldn't sleep at all.