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Why...Why did this happen?
I sort of knew this was coming when I heard that the boat had just...vanished. Even if I knew deep down all along, I never wanted it to be true. I wanted to find out everything was okay and then one day eventually go see him. But now...he was gone. I was filled with regret, even if I had gotten the chance to say goodbye to him, it felt like something was missing. It had been hard enough to think there was a chance I would never see Tsukumojuku again, and now I truly never would. I just wanted to go back and tell him not to go, or even to go with him. At least, I wished I could have another conversation with him, and say everything that was left unsaid.
Although, not that I knew what had been "left unsaid". He was my first friend, my only friend, and I wanted nothing more than to just spend the rest of my life with him. It still amazed me that he even wanted to be friends with me, we were so...different. He was smart, handsome, talented...he was perfect. Meanwhile, I had nothing going for me. Whenever I was with him I couldn't help but stare at him in awe, admiring how he did everything that he would do. His expression when he was thinking about cases, the way his eyes would light up with excitement when he had solved something. I remembered how he would put his arm around me and congratulate me whenever we solved a case together, even if I admittedly, didn't really help all that much. I always felt useless whenever I had to solve cases with him, since it'd always just be him doing most of the work, yet he always seemed really happy that I was there. His smile was beautiful, I always felt grateful to be friends with him, if I wasn't I would have never gotten to see it. I could probably talk to someone about how much I admired him for hours. I'm sure anyone could do the same for their best friend, right?
I continued thinking about what exactly it was that I never got to say to Tsukumojuku. I had told him he was my best friend, that I cared for him, that I never wanted to lose him. I had told him that I was going to meet him again, that no matter what I believed that 'fate' would bring us together again. I believed this because I loved him. That was one thing I never told him, I suppose I just felt it was obvious, everyone loves their friends. That's all it was, I loved him as a friend, and I'm sure he felt the same way. Though, it really was more than that. There was no way I was in love with him, I'm sure I would have been able to tell before now, even if I had been trying to repress my true feelings before. I would have known that I was in love with my best friend...but I didn't. Why did I have to realize this after he was gone? Now I could never tell him how I felt, I could never even talk to him again. I felt so stupid, for not realizing in time to even tell him, for not being able to get that final closure. How could I have not realized this sooner? All I could do now was dwell on these regrets, and the memories of the last four years felt so distant for some reason now. After only two months it felt like my memory of what he looked like was slipping away, as much as I could remember how seeing him smile made me feel, and how beautiful it was when his hair would sometimes get in his way while he was thinking about something, only to briefly distract him while he fixed it, it was hard to fully visualize him in my head.
I found myself laying on the beach, staring up at the sky. We used to spend time here together between solving cases. I guess I had solved a mystery by myself this time, that being my feelings towards him. I smiled, thinking about how happy he would be if I told him I had solved it. And for a moment, it almost felt as if he was there with me.