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Two years ago, when your doctor finally admitted there was nothing they could do, you asked me to at least take you to the beach again like we always did on better days. So one night I secretly took my father’s car and sneaked you out of the hospital. Against all odds. It was literally us against the world— a losing battle, but your smile that night made me feel like I won. For a bit, at least.
You said you wanted to see the sunrise again and I, just wanted to talk to the moon. They say people can wish on a full moon— I was never a believer but I didn’t know where else I could take my chances when I’ve got everything to lose.
We were quiet the whole time, just the sound of the waves softly slapping the shores and the occasional night breeze that made us shiver once in a while. I was lazily seated atop the hood of the car, watching you playfully stare at your feet buried beneath the sand. You said you wanted to feel the world on your feet again and I, just wanted to make you feel again. The past months has taken its toll on the both of us but you, of course, took the hardest blow.
“Moon’s beautiful tonight, isn’t it?” you suddenly say, looking up at the night sky and reaching out for the full moon.
”It always is,” I say, staring at you.
We were quiet, not because we’ve ran out of things to talk about, but because some things were better off unsaid. Like how I didn’t want you to leave me. Like how I didn’t know how I could live without you. (I still don’t.) Like how I was so scared that night, but I tried to be brave for us. So that you can finally let yourself be weak in front of me. So that you can stop thinking about me. I knew you didn’t believe my front, but that night you let it go. Thank you.
When the night got deeper and colder, we moved to the backseat of the car where you slept peacefully, snuggled in that knitted cardigan I gave you from years ago, our hands clasped tightly beneath it as you laid on my shoulder. You were holding my hand tightly to keep you warm, and I was holding yours tightly to make sure you’re still.. here.
Your little snores made me sleepy but I was too scared to miss a single moment. So I just counted the stars to keep me awake as I listened to the sound of your breathing. I hoped you were having a good dream. I hoped you couldn’t hear my anxious heartbeats and my crazy thoughts. Cos probably the whole night, I was just staring at the full moon, praying.. wishing.. believing. I didn’t know what else I could do as I tried to hold you.
I watched the moon slowly lose its glow and the sun slowly peaking into the horizon, turning everything into a different hue. The start of a new day, they say. But it’s the end of one for me. It was like watching the world end and begin again. And end. And begin again. It doesn’t stop when all I wanted was for time to stop. It never listened even when I spent all night begging.
I softly caressed your cheeks, willing you to wake up to witness the sunrise you dearly loved because ‘sunsets are overrated’. It was what we were here for anyway. You slowly opened your eyes then and I instantly saw the colors reflected on your face as you smiled.
“Good morning,” you whispered to the sea. You turned to me, smile faltering as you tried to reach for my cheeks, “Why the tears?”
I shook my head as I let you wipe my tears away. I didn’t even know I was crying.
“I love you,” I couldn’t help but say. I don’t know anymore. All I remember was it was beautiful. You were beautiful. I didn’t know what else to say.
You ruffled my hair and nodded, before looking away to hide your tears. “Live on, Jae.”
***
I’ve read somewhere that falling in love was like snow falling at night—quietly and gently, covering every part of you, then you wake up the next day and the world looks completely different. I guess it’s true.. but it goes both ways. Cos when you lose the one you love, it’s like the sun has melted every part deemed beautiful and just leaves you dealing with all the snowmelt. In the cold. Alone.
Two years after you left me, I have finally gathered enough courage and believed I could think of you again without hurting. So I went back to this beach where we spent our last night together, driving this same old Cadillac where we watched the world end. And I watched it begin again.
I brought a single yellow tulip, your favorite, safely secured on the dashboard. I haphazardly parked the car by the beach as soon as I reached the same old spot, feeling suffocated by the nostalgia that suddenly hit me. The sun has slowly started its descent, turning everything into a golden shade of orange. I’ll see you soon. Somewhere out there, your ashes were scattered. This is the closest I could be where I knew I could feel you.
I went out of the car and just leaned on the door, anxiously digging the sand as I fidgeted. I was wrong. It still hurts.
“Luna. I’m back.” I whispered, calming myself down as I stared at the flower inside the car. “I’m sorry it took me a while.”
I could feel my tears welling up when I felt a cool breeze blow my way, softly ruffling my hair like the way you used to.
“I grew my hair longer like you wanted. Even dyed it red because you said you wanted something exciting. What can you say, huh? I also look good in this leather jacket?” I blabbered, trying to calm myself.
I took a few deep breaths and reached for the flower from inside the car. I smiled to myself as I stared at it, remembering how you made me promise to live when you’re gone.
“I promised you I was never gonna miss you..”
I drew out a shaky breath, feeling the hollow in my chest. The moon is already starting to peek out of the clouds, drawing attention away from the sun.
“But today, I’m here because I almost did.”