Chapter Text
“Thancred, you have to help me,” Pike says pitifully, dropping his forehead onto the bar.
“Do I,” Thancred answers, amused. He’s used to Pike’s frequent dramatics—it comes with being an artist, or so Pike says—and they’re usually over some minor matter or another. If it were a big deal, Thancred wouldn’t know until Pike ended up in the hospital or on the evening news being arrested for murder. If he’s actually asking for help, he probably lost his favorite earrings or something.
“I fucked up,” Pike says, muffled by the bar. “Big time. I’ve been—well. You know how I’ve been.”
Thancred does. “Wildly depressed.”
“Spare my feelings, why don’t you,” Pike mutters petulantly, peeling himself off the bar. “But, yes. And for the last...three months, give or take, my mother’s been trying to get me to come to dinner. I’m good at pretending I’m okay over the phone, but she has a way of peering into my soul in person. So, I lied.”
“Because telling her you were too depressed to leave your house was unthinkable.”
“It is,” Pike agrees, taking a sip off his ridiculous fruity cocktail. “Look, the only reason you know about my breakdown is because it happened in front of you. I know I should talk about these things, but then my brain gets all stupid and thinks I’m being a burden.”
Thancred sighs. “I am begging you to go to therapy.”
“One day. Anyway! I told her the first time that I was going on a date. And then she asked how it went, and I told her it went well because I figured I could, if she found out I was all sad and shit, tell her that my boyfriend broke up with me. So...I kept lying? Anytime she wanted to do dinner, it was ‘Oh, I have a date,’ or, ‘my boyfriend’s got the flu, I’m taking care of him,’ or whatever. And then, last week she said ‘I need to meet this man of yours, and verify him,’ and since I had just gotten done saying he’d done a whole big thing for Valentione’s so I obviously couldn’t visit, I couldn’t just say he had dumped me. So.”
“So?”
“So will you pretend to be my boyfriend?” Pike says, all in a rush.
Thancred, having taken an unfortunate sip of his drink right at that moment, chokes. “Will I what?”
“Will you pretend to be my boyfriend to my mom so she doesn’t figure out I had a breakdown and lied to her for months?” Pike asks again, his eyes going wide with pleading. “Please, I know I was stupid, but she’s the worst when she’s disappointed in me, and I don’t think I can handle that right now.”
And, oh. It’s a bad idea. It’s a terrible idea, because Thancred has been nursing a terrible little flame for Pike for years, basically ever since they met. In the three years since, Pike has been flirtatious but solidly platonic, and Thancred has accepted that this would be all he could have. To pretend, even just for a night, would be the sweetest bliss and the most painful torture.
But Thancred has never been excellent at making good decisions.
He sighs. “When and what should I wear?”
Pike brightens, smiling broadly, and Thancred realizes this is the first time he’s seen him smile since the breakdown, and it’s worth any pain he’ll experience in the future just for that. “Thank you thank you! Next Saturday, and nice but not too fancy. Oh, wear that pair of slate slacks, they make your ass look great, and I can ogle it and make my mother upset.”
Thancred shakes his head, a small smile coming onto his face. “I thought the point was to make her not upset.”
“Nah, if I do that, she’ll know I’m hiding something for sure. Oh, prepare to be menaced. She’s very protective of me. The only man she didn’t menace was Haurchefant, and that was because he was like a fluffy little lamb.” Pike’s smile turns a little sad. “The first thing he said to her was that he would guard my heart with all the care of an honorable knight.”
Thancred nudges him. “Well, I’m not the type many people bring home,” he says, with a wry grin. “So I imagine she’ll be less impressed with me.”
Pike frowns. “Anyone would be lucky to have you as a partner, Thancred,” he says seriously. “Don’t disparage yourself.”
It is a very good thing Thancred is not prone to blushing, because he’d be fully red by now at that comment. Instead, he smirks wickedly. “I can certainly tell her all the inappropriate things we’ve been getting up to.”
Pike does blush, smacking Thancred on the arm. “Just for that, I’m asking her to show the sword room.”
“I’ll show you my—”
“Finish that sentence, and you’ll meet my mother when she helps me hide your body.”
The day before he’s supposed to meet Pike’s mother, Thancred gets a frantic text from Pike.
pike🐈💙
oh fuck we gotta get our stories straight
bc believe me mom’s gonna interrogate the FUCK out of u
can u come over?
I’m at work, let me finish a thing up. Be there in an hour?
works for me!
if things smell suspiciously like chemical lemon, be kind and do not point it out
also i’m cooking bc i know u haven’t had anything but takeout in gods know how long
Thancred snorts a laugh. You’re right, but you shouldn’t say it.
you memed!!! i’m so proud
“What’re you chuckling about?”
Thancred jumps as his boss, Valliant, comes up behind him. “Just my friend.” He waves his phone in emphasis.
“Oh, the one you’re mooning over.”
“I-I do not moon,” Thancred says, aggrieved. He mentions Pike once when he’s drunk...
“You absolutely moon,” Valliant says with a grin. “Well, I’ll let you get back to it. I imagine you’ll be taking off early today. Make sure you finish that report before you go, at least.”
“Of course, boss.”
She shakes her head and claps him on the shoulder, walking off to her office. Thancred quickly finishes up the rest of the report, sending it off to Valliant for her to look over, and shuts down his work station. He doesn’t need to bring any work home with him this weekend, thankfully, so he just scoops up his satchel and heads out into the cool spring air.
Pike’s apartment is quite far away from Thancred’s office, so he takes the bus. Pike texts him a picture of the dinner he’s making on the way. It’s something with eggplant, Thancred’s pretty sure, and it looks delicious. He sends the eggplant emoji back because he knows it will make Pike laugh, and smiles at the key smash he receives in return.
Finally, he gets off outside Pike’s apartment, and ignores the elevator to take the stairs. The thing is a death trap, he swears—the first time he’d gone to Pike’s apartment, it had clunked and sputtered all the way up to the third floor. He doesn’t know how Pike bears taking it, but Pike treasures his life far less than he treasures not being sweaty. The argument that he’s good enough shape to not sweat getting up to the third floor falls on deaf ears.
Thancred knocks on the door of Pike’s apartment, and the call of “It’s open!” makes him sigh.
“You’re going to get robbed,” he says, toeing off his shoes.
“Nah,” Pike says cheerfully. “Haribou will claw off any intruders’ faces.”
Thancred eyes Pike’s fat lazy cat, where he’s snoozing on the bar. “Right.” He pets the cat, because Haribou is the single best thing about coming over to Pike’s apartment. He purrs happily and stretches. Thancred pokes his paw pads, smiling at the affronted mrrp that comes from the cat.
“You like my cat better than me,” Pike complains without any heat.
“He’s not half as annoying.”
“Hey! Be nice to your boyfriend!” Pike laughs.
Thancred tries to fight down the little thrill that goes through him at Pike’s words. It’s just pretend, he cruelly reminds himself. “I’m not your boyfriend until tomorrow.”
Pike flutters his eyelashes. “Does that mean you’ll be extra sweet to me tomorrow?”
“We’ll see.”
Pike laughs again, and heads into the kitchen. Thancred follows after him. “Dinner will be ready in a few minutes, and I still need to finish this salad. Let me tell you what I’ve told my mother while we wait.”
Apparently, Pike’s told her that they’ve been dating for three months, since just after the New Year. There’s not much to it either than that—Pike is a good liar, and only gave details when asked, so there’s not a whole mythos that Thancred has to learn. In fact, most of the things Pike told her were things that already matched Thancred—intentionally so.
“A lot of the times she asked me to come to dinner, we had plans, or had hung out recently,” Pike explains, between forkfuls of roasted eggplant. “So you were close to my mind, and the best lies have a hint of truth, right?”
Thancred has to try very hard not to take that to heart. He mostly succeeds.
“If she asks about Valentiones, tell her you got reservations at the Waking Sands,” Pike says. “Because—”
“It’s your favorite restaurant, even if it’s not that fancy,” Thancred finishes. “Of course. At least you know how to treat yourself right. And of course, flowers. Snapdragons, your favorite, and forget-me-nots, because you like how romantic they are. Probably some jewellery, even though it’s early in the relationship, because you like shiny things.”
“Wow,” Pike says with a laugh, looking a bit shell-shocked. “You listen to all that?”
Thancred shrugs. “I like knowing things about you. Do I need to actually buy you some?”
Pike waves a hand. “It’s fine. Mom doesn’t pay that much attention to the jewellery I wear, so I can just wear some nice earrings and say you got me them.”
“I don’t mind.”
“I do,” Pike says with a laugh. “Save your money, I’ve got enough shiny things.”
“I’ll remind you of this next time we’re out and you drag me to get another bauble.”
Pike pouts as Thancred laughs at him.
Finally, they finish figuring out every detail Pike’s spouted off to his mother, and they move on to figuring out how to act.
They sit on Pike’s lumpy sofa. “I don’t think we’ll need help looking all cuddly,” Pike says, already pressing himself into Thancred’s side. “You know I’m like a heat-seeking missile.”
“Remember when you got plastered and ended up crawling into my bed because my guest room was ‘too cold’?” Thancred says with a laugh. “Yes, I think we’ll be fine.”
“It was the middle of winter,” Pike whines. “And the window wasn’t properly sealed. I would have frozen to death.”
“Mmhmm.”
“The worst fake boyfriend ever.”
Thancred takes a deep breath and presses his face into Pike’s hair. The clean lavender scent grounds him against the pain in his chest. “You have so much experience in this area to make comparisons, then? How many men have you been fake-dating, Pike?”
“Asshole,” Pike says, smacking him lightly on the shoulder. “What’s your boundary on physical stuff? I don’t think we need to make out in front of my mother, but you know how I am, all touchy-feely.”
Thancred shrugs. “Whatever you feel is comfortable. I’m down up for anything, including sloppy makeouts to upset your mother.”
“Whore,” Pike says fondly. “Should we practice, then? Just get used to it? It would be pretty weird if I kissed you and you got all flustered.”
“I think you’ll find,” Thancred says, leaning in, “that I’m not the one who’s going to be flustered.”
Pink lightly dusts Pike’s cheeks, and Thancred smooths a hand over one of them, before gripping his chin lightly, and leaning in to capture his lips.
It starts off slow, just a soft slide of skin on skin. Thancred doesn’t expect to take it any further than that—for all his comments about sloppy makeouts, he’s sure that they won’t be pulling any stunts like that—but Pike moans, and slides into his lap, deepening the kiss. Thancred’s hand slides from his chin to his neck, curling there possessively, as Pike’s own curl into his hair. Pike’s tongue slides in, exploratory, and Thancred’s responds in kind. It’s not until Pike tries to meld into him, their lengths brushing with shocking pleasure, that Thancred pulls back.
“Well,” he says, “I don’t think we should do that in front of your mother.”
“No,” Pike says, panting. “No, we really shouldn’t. Sorry. It’s been a while.”
“It’s...fine.” Thancred lets his head fall against the back of the couch. “Can you…”
“Hm? Oh!” Pike looks sheepish as he slides back off Thancred’s lap, leaving a sizable gap between them on the couch. Thancred misses his presence immediately. “I. Well. I don’t think we should try that again tonight. But I think we’ll be fine.”
Thancred nods, willing his breath to calm. “Mmhmm.”
This is going to end horribly, he can feel it.
Thancred does, in fact, wear the slate slacks, paired with a nice sweater in cream. He video calls Pike to pick it out, because the man has far better taste than he does, and he feels oddly anxious about showing up either over or underdressed. He hasn’t had nerves like this since he was a teen taking his first girlfriend to prom, wiping sweaty hands on his scratchy rented tux pants. No matter how many times he tells himself that all of this is pretend, he doesn’t settle. The nerves only grow when he meets Pike and they drive outside the city to his mother’s neighborhood.
“What does your mother do for work?” Thancred asks, desperate for any escape from the conversation.
“She’s the director for a non-profit,” Pike replies. “I’m not sure what they exactly do—every time she starts talking, my eyes glaze over. She used to be an MMA fighter, though, and she became my foster mom shortly after she retired. It was pretty funny, actually, because she tried to do the classic movie trope of bonding with me through teaching me to fight. ‘Course, I was a whole big mess of trauma—she got me shortly after my sister died—so I mostly just used everything she taught me to beat up homophobes at school. Every time I got in trouble, though, she’d come into the school with her girlfriend and just sit there glaring at the principal every time he tried to downplay the things the other kids were saying. Then she’d ride my ass for beating people up and not using my words.” He smiles wistfully. “And then she’d wrap my knuckles and make Merlwyb go buy us ice cream.”
Thancred smiles at the story. “I think this is the most you’ve ever talked about her to me,” he notes. “I’m not sure I knew you had a mother before last week.”
Pike shrugs, tapping anxiously on the steering wheel. “It’s hard to talk about her sometimes,” he responds. “Like, she’s the most put together person I know, and I’m still a huge mess. I always feel like I’m bringing her down by associating her with me. She’s so proud of me, too, and so I don’t go to any of her work events because she’ll tell everyone how proud she is of me and then I have to sit there and try not to think about how everyone is wondering what there is to be proud of, considering I couldn’t even get one lousy bill passed.”
The source of the breakdown—Thancred knew it was still eating at him. “You’re working on other avenues.”
Pike sighs. “I know, I know. It just builds up, you know? All that work, and fucking Teledji Adeledji gets to bring up my past and get the whole thing thrown out? Fuck, Aymeric and I poured everything into that bill, and I messed it up.”
“Hey,” Thancred says. He rests a hand on Pike’s shoulder. “It wasn’t your fault. He was going to find something to get it thrown out.”
“It doesn’t make it feel better,” Pike says. He pulls the car to stop in the driveway of a cheerful two-story, and thuds his head on the steering wheel. “Ugh. I’m glad you’re here, Thancred. At least you’ll be distracting enough that Mom won’t ask about the bill.”
“It’s a good thing you lied, then.”
“It’s super not, but thanks, that’s sweet.” Pike takes a deep breath, and he’s smiling when he peels his head off the steering wheel. “Okay, let’s do this.”
As soon as they’re out of the car, Pike gravitates towards him, taking his hand and squeezing it tight. It’s not exactly unusual—Pike grabs him by the hand or the elbow or whatever he can reach to tow him around when they go out—but the context makes it feel so, so different. Twelve, he hopes his palms aren’t too sweaty.
Something strikes him as they reach the door, and as Pike rings the bell, he frowns. “I’ve just realized,” he says, “I don’t know your mother’s name.”
“Oh,” Pike says, as a familiar voice calls Coming! “It’s Valliant. Valliant Skye.”
And Thancred gets to experience the feeling of dropping straight into hell as the door opens and reveals his boss, looking just as shocked as he feels.