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School crushes are for losers. In middle school and below, it never mattered but for some reason in high school, it meant everything. They would just end up getting hurt in the end. Suna learned that a while ago. Maybe that is why he chose to be apathetic rather than overflowing with emotions. Or maybe, it was because he had grown numb to the pain.
He likes to think that he is capable of love, that he is a lovable person beneath all of his defenses, that he is nice underneath all the sarcastic remarks. He knew his worth, how he truly was, and if other people did not, oh well.
School crushes were useless anyway. School was a short-term thing with temporary people. Letting them in would only get you more hurt.
A volleyball hit the court with defining smack, effectively ending Suna’s train of thought. Once he landed on the ground again, he adjusted the tape on his finger as he immediately thought about the play that was made. The blocking was messy on his end he had to fix the timing. He focused on rewrapping his index finger with the tape, accidentally blocking out what Kita was saying.
“Unfortunately, we are running out of time today so let's start cleaning up,” Kita said, finally catching Suna’s attention. He was thankful that practice was ending since he had not been paying attention to a single thing that the older boy had said which was probably something directly related to the blocking.
Eventually, the second and first years started cleaning up the gym, well, what they could anyway since Atsumu had decided to practice his sets more. No one minded that much since most of the team could agree that the faux blonde setter was the person that kept Inarizaki going. Of course, no one would admit it out loud.
“Hey, Sunarin!” Osamu called from across the court. “There's a ball that's stuck under the bleachers that we can’t get,”
The middle blocker audibly groaned as he placed the volleyball he had in hand into the bag. “I swear that I’m going to break a bone one day trying to get a ball.” He muttered, walking over to the grey-haired twin who pointed out where the ball was.
Suna approached the bleachers and tried to figure out the best way to approach the situation. His main question was, how in the hell does someone manage to hit a volleyball so hard that it slipped through the gap of a bleacher but managed to lodge itself in the intersectional metal rods underneath.
He sighed as he got onto his stomach, scooting closer until he was partially under the bleachers. He arched his back to give him an upward angle as he reached for the ball. He fell a bit short after a bit of strain. He grimaced.
“Whoever keeps getting the ball stuck here is getting it themself next time.” The middle blocker announced, going further under the bleachers as he reached up once more, dislodging the ball. He grabbed it and rolled it back into the open before flopping down on the floor and staying there for a solid moment, recovering from the strain.
“Thanks, Rin.” Osamu laughed softly, presumably grabbing the now free ball and putting it away.
Suna laid on the floor for a bit. It was cold and felt nice. “Likewise.” He muttered before he scrambled out from under the bleachers as he stood up only to be met with hot air.
Suddenly the floor seemed like the better option.
He stretched, straightening out his back before he returned to his normal slouched position. Scanning the gym, he checked to see if they were done cleaning up, which to his surprise, they actually were. At least when he had to grab stuck volleyballs he didn’t have to do as much.
After the third years left the locker room, Suna slipped in with Osamu behind him. The middle blocker went to the locker where he kept his stuff grabbing his bag he grabbed a sweatshirt and his phone from it. He didn't particularly feel like changing so he would take a shower and change into clean clothing when he got home.
That would give him more time to avoid his mom.
He glanced at Osamu, who had decided to get changed. The twin slipped his shirt off giving the brown-haired boy a fairly good view of his back which was, to no surprise, moderately good looking. It made Suna wonder what he would look like from the front. Quickly, he pushed the thought out of his mind as he unlocked his phone, checking his notifications.
Osamu was generally a good-looking person; plenty of people fawned over him and his brother. Suna knew all about it since he was around them constantly, hearing the student's pathetic attempts at flirting to the oblivious twins. He overheard their chattering and hopeless simping wondering if the twins were actually interested in them or if they were just pretending to flirt, which was more of an Atsumu thing to be fair. Which they likely were not figuring how they could never catch a fucking hint and when they did, they would overthink it until they lost the hint. In conclusion, though, the twins could pretty much snag anyone they wanted and that was a fact everyone knows. So it did not mean anything if Suna wanted to be with Osamu. He probably just wanted the attention that was involved with it. No feelings involved.
Selfish.
“Are ya gonna have yer mom pick ya up or, are ya gonna walk home with me?” Osamu asked suddenly, dragging Suna out of his thoughts.
“Walk.”
He smiled, “Great.”
The middle blocker hid his face partially into his hoodie, uncomfortable by the feeling that just fluttered in him. It was just the anxiety of going home. That was all it was and nothing more. Why did it feel different though?
“Do you know how long Atsumu is going to stay for?” Suna asked.
“An hour n’ thirty I’m guessin’ based on how practice went today.”
He nodded in acknowledgment as he stood up, slipping his phone into his pocket. He waited for Osamu to walk out of the locker room first before following, closing the door behind them. In the gym, to no surprise, was Atsumu setting with a fair amount of volleyballs already on the other side of the court. Suna scoffed quietly, hunched over as he pulled his phone out of his pocket once more, knowing that he would be stuck there for a while longer.
“Yer going home?” Atsumu addressed Osamu.
Suna spoke instead of the grey-haired twin, “No, we’re going to wait hours for you to finish practicing, then we are going home.” Sarcasm pooled his tone, eyes not lifting from the screen.
“I wasn’t talkin’ to you Rin.”
“Good. I would prefer it if you didn’t talk at all.”
Osamu laughed and faced Atsumu, “Sunarin doesn’t talk much but he knows what he’s saying when he does.”
Atsumu stood agape at suddenly being tagged teamed in something that would be described as vicious assault, possibly even a murder attempt. It didn't cause any physical harm, only mental harm to one's ego, so they could not be arrested for it. “I’m telling Ma ya told me to shut up!”
His brother scowled, “You wouldn’t dare.”
Suna opened up the camera app, subtly facing it toward the twins just in case they started fighting. This would not be the first fight of theirs that he filmed and, he sure as hell doubted it would be the last, but it sure as hell made great blackmail. “The mommy’s boys are fighting.” He teased softly.
Osamu stared at him, “Whose side are you even on?”
“My dear Osamu Miya, I don’t choose favourites.”
“Damn, and here I had you at the top of my favourite list.”
The middle blocker put his phone away, shoving his hands in his pocket, he stalked away, an unfamiliar feeling clawing in his chest and sharp pain stabbing in his side, “Let’s go. I want to get home and take a shower.”
The twins exchanged a few more threats before they parted ways.
“Ya better make something good tonight!” Atsumu yelled as Osamu walked away, joining Suna.
“I’ll be sure not to make ya any!”
The brown-haired boy flinched at the loudness beside him. With the spiker and blocker leaving the gym and the setter behind, he was finally met with peace and quiet. They walked in silence for a bit, getting away from the school before Osamu spoke again. He rambled about something mindlessly just as he usually did. Which was relaxing in an odd way, it kept Suna grounded. Today he was unable to focus on what the twin was saying, a sharp pain making its way into his side.
He wasn’t sure when he parted ways with Osamu and he didn’t know how exactly he ended up at his own front door, stepping inside until he was met by his sister's noisiness and his mom talking.
“You should’ve told me you were going to walk home,” His mom complained. “I was about to leave to pick you up Rintarou.”
He looked down, “Sorry… I’m going to take a shower.”
Slipping out of the main hall, he went upstairs to the bathroom right across from his room. He grabbed a towel before locking the door behind him. After starting the shower, he sat on the counter, waiting for the water to warm up.
His throat became irritated, causing him to let out a few dry coughs. He was not concerned about it since he got sick pretty often usually, his immune system took care of it without a doctor's visit required. Hopefully, it did not get worse though. If it did, it would make school and volleyball absolute agony.
Suna was pretty sure he was responsible for most of the water bill.
When taking a shower, he often lost track of time and stayed in there for a while with the water running hot enough to leave his skin red. Today he had the record of two hours in the shower, causing him to effectively miss dinner. Not that he cared much about that anyway.
He went back to his room and flopped down on the bed. It was dark in his room and he did not bother to turn the lights on. He preferred them off anyway. Aimlessly, he scrolled through various social media until there was nothing left to see. The middle blocker sat up slightly, the pain in his sides was back but stronger, the irritation at his throat included. He forced a cough out of himself which led to another cough which led to a coughing fit and the desperate need to breathe.
Every time he stopped hacking to breathe, the itchiness came back causing more coughs. It was over when he was too tired to continue, discomfort and soreness being the only thing left as he laid back down. Unlocking his phone, he noticed he had a message.
⤝—————————————⤞
Osamu
Arise from the dead Tsumu’s being annoying and I need a proper distraction
Rintarou Suna
I’d prefer to be dead rn
Osamu Miya
Ouch and here I thought you loved me
⤝—————————————⤞
Suna looked down at that message for a moment. The pain in his side was back and worse than before.
⤝—————————————⤞
Rintarou Suna
Sorry, I think I’m going to go to bed now. For some reason, my side hurts a lot and I won't stop coughing??? I’ll be fine though. Goodnight
Osamu Miya
Yeah, get some rest for sure! I can bring you some jelly sticks tomorrow if you’d like
Wait
You don’t get a choice in denying
I’m bringing you jelly sticks tomorrow
Rintarou Suna
Thank you, you’re too nice to me
Osamu Miya
You deserve it
Rintarou Suna
Debatable
Osamu Miya
Sunarin I’m being serious you don't deserve anything bad
Rintarou Suna
I suppose
Osamu Miya
Good enough
Go get some rest now I’ll see you tomorrow at school
Rintarou Suna
See ya
Osamu Miya
Omg is the all-mighty Rintarou finally abandoning his Tokyo dialect?
Rintarou Suna
Goodnight food whore
⤝—————————————⤞
He shut off his phone with a small smile and placed it on his pillow as he curled up and closed his eyes. Exhaustion from practice finally catching up to him as he drifted off to sleep.
Flowers are pretty and reassuring. You gift flowers to express love. You gift flowers at funerals when you want to give your condolences, even when you want to reassure that things will be okay for the family that suffered from the loss. Why were flowers always associated with love though? Was it because flowers were as beautiful as love? If there is such a thing as beautiful love. Love is always a messy and complicated thing of emotions. You think you have found the one but, you were in fact, wrong.
Love was messy.
Messy.
Messy yellow petals were littered across Suna’s shaking palms. The petals belonged to chrysanthemums so, why were they in his hand? More loud hacking before he felt something come up throat again, cluttered and smooth. Mouth opening out of instinct, more petals fell into his hand. Why were flowers in hands? Why were flowers in his mouth?
Of course, he knew the actual answer to these questions but, he refused to believe it. Violent tremors rolled through his body as he stared at the petals, tears started falling and he was left silently crying in fear.
“No, no, no, no, no, no, no-” He whispered, voice cracking and wavering as it slipped in and out of audibility. “It happens to other people, not me… not me… please-” He broke off with a sob, quickly dropping the petals to cover his mouth to prevent any noise from escaping. He knew no one would wake up if he made a little noise due to the fact that it was early in the morning but that did not get rid of the fear that deeply resonated in him.
It couldn’t be hanahaki though. It wasn’t hanahaki. It was something else. It had to be something else.
Something else...
Suna did not fall in love with anyone. There was no one that he could have fallen in love with. He kept his heart guarded to prevent being hurt. No one could have changed that.
Minutes ticked by and he eventually calmed down. Shakily, he grabbed his phone, wincing at the bright light that just violently assaulted his eyes. Turning the brightness down, his eyes finally adjusted to the light without any pain or strain. His thumb scrolled over his contacts before he found the right one.
⤝—————————————⤞
Rintarou Suna
Are you up?
Osamu Miya
Now I am. It's two in the morning Sunarin, so this better be good cause I need my beauty sleep.
Rintarou Suna
Do you like me?
⤝—————————————⤞
He took a deep breath. Seconds stretched on for minutes as he saw the message get read but no ellipses at the bottom of the screen for a solid two minutes as the pain grew worse in his lungs. It was suffocating. He felt his chest tighten.
⤝—————————————⤞
Osamu Miya
No, I don't. Wdya?
Rintarou Suna
Rumor.
⤝—————————————⤞
He shut off his phone as another wave of tears and muffled coughs came along. He didn’t love Osamu. He didn’t love anyone. He couldn't have hanahaki. It wasn’t true. It was a bad dream, a really bad dream. That’s all this was. Nothing more.
Gathering the yellow petals in his hands, he got up and went over to his desk, where he then hid the petals under a stack of papers before laying back down in bed. His head was buzzing in shock that left him in denial of what was truly happening. His mind flipped through the possibilities and outcomes it would bring if he had hanahaki.
If his mom were to find out, he would be forced to get the surgery. He did not want that. He still wanted to be able to feel love and attraction toward people. If he did not have that, then what emotions would he have left that was not the depressing numbness that he surrounded himself with cause truth be told, his main source of happiness and affection was from other people he was dependent on. Without feeling any sort of love then he would be as bad as his mom.
Otherwise known as an emotionless wall.
A second option is Kita finding out. That seemed slightly worse than the first one. He reckoned that if the captain found out he would bench or remove Suna from the team until he either got his crush to love him back, his feelings died, he got the surgery, or he went six feet under in a deathbed.
Death seemed more reassuring. At least he would not have to worry about being like his mom if he died from the disease.
He would not tell anyone. That was his decision.
Although the prospect of death and being forgotten terrified him, he did not mind dying under these circumstances. It was more favourable than Osamu frantically trying to learn to love someone as aloof as Suna.
As he said before, Osamu was too good of a person for him because he knew that the grey-haired twin would try to love him if he knew.
This is exactly why Rintarou would not tell.
He finally shut his eyes, the haze in his mind finally clearing as he collected his thoughts. Two realizations struck as he drifted off to sleep once more. The first one is that he, the unamiable Rintarou Suna, had caught feelings for Osamu Miya. The second realization being that the feelings aren't reciprocated which led him to have a lovely disease known as hanahaki that would probably kill him.
This all leads to the final sleepy conclusion and another reminder that love is for losers and, Suna indeed was a loser.
Early morning light filtered through his window, his early thoughts recalling the events of last night. Perhaps it was all just a sweven. He checked the time.
7:30 AM
He sighed softly and got up going over to his desk, he pushed a few papers aside, and, to his dismay, he saw yellow chrysanthemum petals. Quickly, he covered the flowers again.
Yellow chrysanthemums were fitting for his case of hanahaki. They represented neglected love. In older texts, it is described as a heart left to desolation or scorned love. How disgustingly ironic.
Tiredly, the brown-haired boy rubbed his face. He did not have the energy to deal with anything today. He mentally went over his schedule and volleyball was where the energy would end. Audibly groaning, he decided that he would skip it. It was not in his best interest to skip it since he intended to pursue volleyball as a career but, he was sick so, he could miss it this once.
Suna had purposely delayed getting ready so he would get to school later which meant less Miya interaction. Mostly less interaction with Osamu. Honestly, the middle blocker was still baffled that he caught feelings. Checking the time when he got on campus, he found out that he had ten minutes to kill.
He sighed softly. Once he stepped into the classroom, the twins and Ginjima already there and conversing. I guess I can not avoid them all day without seeming off, He thought, slipping into a seat beside them.
Atsumu was the first to address his presence. “How come yer later than usual?”
He shrugged, “I didn’t sleep well last night, so I slept in a bit.” He waved his hand dismissively, pulling out his phone.
The grey-haired twin was the next to speak up, “Yeah, he texted me at ‘round three in the mornin’” He stated in a tone that sounded awfully like a whine.
“Well, it’s your fault that you never silence your phone.” The middle blocker commented, his voice dying down as spoke in his usual brusque tone. No wonder why he doesn’t love you back... Suna zoned out as he focused on his phone. Minutes ticked by unknowingly as he focused on the digital media in front of him which provided a nice distraction from the uncomfortable feeling that was growing in his lungs and chest.
“Sunarin, are ya listening?” Osamu asked, snapping him out of his head.
He rubbed his eyes and glanced at the time, which to his utter dismay, he had realized only five minutes had passed by. He shook his head, clearly not in a talkative mood today, which was not out of the ordinary. It just earned a glance from the twins with their weird telepathic communication conversations that happen in a single glance before they resumed their previous conversation which was something about some guy from Itachiyama Institute. It took a moment for Suna to place a face on the person being mentioned who happened to be Kiyoomi Sakusa. Apparently, the blonde twin had gotten infatuated with the dark-haired ace.
“Simptsumu…” The middle blocker laughed quietly to himself, accidentally being loud enough to where he was heard by three others that were close to him.
Ginjima was the first to laugh and thus chaos ensued. Both wing spikers terrorized Atsumu with the nickname until the poor boy was flushed with embarrassment. Not that Suna sympathized with him though.
He glanced at Osamu for a moment. Despite all those times, the twins argued about it, Osamu really did wear the face better. Ardor bubbled up in Suna and that is when he knew how badly he was fucked. Feeling his chest constrict, he looked away and covered his mouth with his arm as he coughed violently, aware of a cluttered smoothness that made its way up to his throat. He quickly stopped himself from coughing, the sensation of a thousand thorns pricking his throat and lungs.
He could barely breathe.
Osamu looked at him with a frown. “Drink some water.”
“Later.”
“That reminds me-” Osamu said, turning around in his seat as he reached into his bag. He grabbed a pack of jelly sticks and handed them to the brown-haired boy. “I said I’d bring ‘em.”
“Thank you.” He said with a dip of his head, “I’ll eat them later.” His voice wavered slightly from the previous coughing. He swallowed. Petals sliding down his throat.
Disgusting…
With the days passing, Rintarou only found it getting worse. Coughing up entire flowers instead of just the petals. He skipped practice at least once a week, stating that he needed to be home early, never specifying a reason why. Occasionally, when it was worse he would skip another day. It was simpler to hide it from his family since his dad was never home and his mom was usually working or working on homework for college. His sister and him usually stayed out of each other's way.
It was lonely.
Everything about this was lonely. Suna had realized that he was technically distancing himself from everyone, so maybe it would be easier for them when he died.
Today was a day that he went to practice despite the pain in his chest and how hard it was to breathe. He already missed two days of volleyball practice this week, he did not want to make it a third.
Practice had gone rather normally besides the obvious fact that the middle blocker seemed to be getting out of breath more easily which led to his already lackadaisical nature when playing to become even lazier. The playful and teasing comments of how he was probably out of space and should stop missing practice got under his skin more than they should have. They did not know why he was struggling to breathe, it wasn’t their fault. That is what he had to reassure himself with.
Now and then he broke into a coughing fit, it was never bad enough to get him to hack up chrysanthemums so perhaps it was getting better. It was getting better. He was no longer sick. He had lost feelings or maybe Osamu loved him back. He did not have hanahaki anymore.
At least, that's what he wanted to believe. He was oftentimes called pessimistic but he could often be an optimist. A foolishly hopeful one at that for some of the most impossible sanguine things to happen.
Luckily, practice had come to a close as his coughing started to grow worse, a lot worse. He held back half of them, causing an incredibly vexatious feeling to grow in his throat. Ignoring cleaning up the gym, he slipped into the locker room, sliding onto the floor as he started to hack violently. Too weak to cover his mouth, he coughed up petals and flowers, occasionally they would have the beginnings of stems causing them to cut his esophagus on their way up, bringing blood with them.
It went on like that for minutes until he grew too weak to cough up anymore. He stayed on the ground for a moment, panting and catching breath as he sniffled up tears before he started to clean up after his mess. Suna threw the last petals away, and returned to the gym, his gaze slipping to Osamu. The thorns that grew in his lungs just seemed to hurt more. He would keep silent about his feelings until death did him part, which he knew it would even if he had told the twin. He didn't blame him for not returning his feelings, for being the reason why he was dying. He could never blame the spiker for that. How could he? He knew that he was hard to love with his sarcastic remarks and apathetic tone. Maybe death was better than living with the constant pain of knowing he couldn't be loved.
The second and first years used the locker room next, the third years being last this time. Everyone was waiting to leave the gym, Kita usually spoke to them before having them dismissed. Typically it was a critique and praise to end it off before the next day.
The group of third years eventually left the locker room, there was something slightly different about the energy presented, especially off of Kita.
The captain spoke his words before everyone left.
"Rintarou, how was school and practice today?" His mom asked from beside him. It was one of the very few times she ever joined him and his sister at the dinner table to eat. He looked down at his plate, most of his food was untouched.
He took a piece of food and slowly chewed to buy him more time from answering. "It was good." He answered nonchalantly, exchanging a passive glance with his sister.
His mom frowned at the short response. "When was the last time your dad called?" She asked.
"Three days ago."
A soft scoff. "Make sure you call him. He needs to start talking to his kids more, you're not all my responsibility." She complained.
He looked down at his food, suddenly it seemed more interesting than what his mother was going off about. Suddenly he was reminded of why he'd prefer to die over not feeling love.
His parents' relationship; shattered. Broken at the seams but they're still together. No love. It was toxic and he didn't know why they're still together when they clearly don't love each other.
Love…
An emotion that only gets others hurt. The brown-haired boy didn't want to live without being able to feel love so that he didn't end up like his parents. That was probably his greatest fear.
Ending up like them.
Dinner ended with Suna’s plate half-finished, his mom going to finish some work, and his sister going to do her own thing.
He went into his room, flipping on the bed he sat up and pulled out his phone. His thumb hovered over his father's contact as he stared at his screen. He pressed down.
⤝—————————————⤞
Rintarou Suna
Hey
Osamu Miya
what's up?
⤝—————————————⤞
Except he wasn't particularly in the mood to socialize with his family. Especially not his dad who was abroad in some foreign country for work. He hesitated to reply to Osamu. Distance yourself from him… you don't want to hurt him for when you leave.
Does he even care about me though?
Rintarou shut off his phone as he stared at the wall, blinking, not bothering to reply to the grey haired twin. Eventually, he sighed as he turned his phone back on to see a message from the one and only Inarizaki team captain, Shinsuke Kita. It was a private message which made it even worse. He knew he was in deep trouble now. Messages from Kita weren't rare but most of them were in the group chat where he would give reminders or occasionally deal with the twins' antics before it escalated and they attempted to murder each other. The only way you would receive a private message from the team captain was if you were to seek out a conversation with him — which Suna in fact did not do — or if he needed to talk to you about something in private. Which typically did not lead to very good things.
⤝—————————————⤞
Shinsuke Kita
Hello, Suna. I hope to have caught you at a good time but, I've come to speculate that you may have Hanahaki but you haven't told me or the coach about this condition.
⤝—————————————⤞
He reread the message multiple times before formulating a response. If he wasn’t careful with his words he could really screw himself over and accidentally expose that he has it since Kita said it was only a speculation for now.
⤝—————————————⤞
Rintarou Suna
What evidence do you have that makes you think I have hanahaki?
I'm curious cause you know I'm not the type to fall in love
Shinsuke Kita
Shortness of breath, coughing, half the time it seems like you're trying to cough something up. Not to mention in the locker room I found a few petals on the floor and blood as well. Now, that could've been anyone but I believe it's you because of the prior symptoms I mentioned along with you went to the locker room alone while in the middle of a coughing fit and if it were any of the second or third years that went instead, they would know and they're not exactly subtle about things.
Rintarou Suna
…
I hate you sometimes, you know that?
Shinsuke Kita
I know.
Rintarou Suna
Anyway, what are you going to do?
Shinsuke Kita
If you're asking if I've told the coach yet within that question, no I have not. How long have you been sick?
Rintarou Suna
A couple of days
⤝—————————————⤞
Such a liar the fox-like boy was. And such a liar he would always be, causing chaos and mischief for what would be labeled as selfish desires. Such a shame it was for anyone who knew him who would get wrapped up in a false sense of security of his lies before that security came shattering
down.
⤝—————————————⤞
Shinsuke Kita
If it gets any worse and is not dealt with after this weekend's game, you will be let off the team. It's for your health.
Rintarou Suna
Yeah I completely understand
See you tomorrow
⤝—————————————⤞
The weekend came relatively fast much to Suna’s dismay and with the weekend that came rapidly, running at him at full force, his Hanahaki ran faster and practically bitch slapped him in the face as it grew incredibly worse over a few days. Anxiety set in of how he would be able to hide this, especially from Kita who was sure to have an extra pair of eyes on him which he was quite frankly, not used to due to the captains and Aran trying to keep the twins in line.
The middle blocker waited for the bus to arrive along with the rest of his team. It was early in the morning, the sun not yet peeking to show its dawn. Meaning that when transportation arrived, he could sleep easier to catch a bit of extra rest. As he waited, he pressed closed to Osamu, hands stuffed into his pockets as he stared at the ground bleakly through half lidded eyes that throated to close for a second to long.
"You're really not much of a morning person are you?" The grey haired twin teased. Suna shook his head in response. "Aw, you're cuter when you're sleepy." He continued which earned a glare.
"Shut up." The brain haired boy mumbled before he shut his eyes completely with a small whine as he rested his head on Osamu's shoulder, not quite ready to use his voice.
The spiker snickered softly in response. "Imagine still being tired."
"I can. Now shut up. How are you so awake anyway?"
"Go to bed early and coffee."
"Oh, so both impossible things for me. Great." The mode blocker muttered.
"How are they impossible?"
"For starters, I can only go to bed late or else I'll wake up at midnight and not be able to fall asleep and caffeine makes me throw up if I don't eat anything prior and I just have a really bad sugar crash."
Osamu leaned back pulling out a small snack from his bag and tossed one to Suna, likely making the assumption that he hadn't eaten yet which wasn't wrong. "This is why we eat and stay away from the sugary stuff, Sunarin." He smirked
"Are you implying that I drink black coffee?"
"Possibly."
"You're absolutely horrendous. Why did I become friends with you in the first place?" Why did I fall in love with you in the first place? What makes you so special that I let my guard down?
Suna, of course, knew the answers to these questions.
Osamu Miya was a caring person when you put his slightly reserved nature and suppressed anger issues especially toward his brother to the side, he was truly cordial. He was one of the few people that tried to understand the middle blocker and help him and Suna returned the favour and helped Osamu in return whenever he could. He couldn't help but admire the spiker no matter what he did, even when he was fighting with his twin.
The bus to bring them to where their game was eventually arrived, everyone sitting in pairs of twos.
Kita with Aran, Atsumu with Ginjima, Osamu with Suna, and the first years were off doing their own thing along with a few of the other third years.
The brown haired boy immediately laid down once he was seated, curling up in his space as he closed his eyes as exhaustion pulled over him like a weighted blanket trying to gently lull him to sleep. Eventually, he did fall into a light state of sleep, the vehicle moving was like a soft lullaby or rocking chair.
He woke up once in a while and broke out into a coughing fit before falling asleep again. Overall, he wasn't sure how long he was out for but when he awoke, the sun was out, raising a little past dawn so it was still relatively early. Sitting up, he rubbed his eyes with the heel of his palms. He gave Osamu a sleepy smile, admiring the latter's beauty in the pale morning light. Rintarou tapped his wrist twice, wanting to know how much longer until they got to their destination.
"'Bout two hours." The spiker answered, munching on a snack.
Suna took a piece of the food which earned a solid glare from the gray haired twin but he did nothing about it and positioned the bag to make it more accessible for him.
"Rin gets some but not me?" Atsumu made an offended noise as he gawked at Osamu, "and to think you're my brother. Whatever happened to blood runs thicker than water?"
The middle blocker spoke up before full out war broke out between the siblings, "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." He got confused stares from both twins. "You both really are stupid, huh?"
" 'Samu is dumber than me!" Atsumu was the first to accuse.
"Am not!"
Suna sighed, and stole another piece of Osamu's food as he watched the twins bicker. He pulled out his phone and opened the camera app. A fight on the bus would be an interesting video that could potentially get a lot of views.
Unfortunately, Aran and Kita were quick to disengage it which ruined the browned haired boys source of entertainment. He huffed as he exited the app he was on as he opted to go to social media and mindlessly scroll there, occasionally reaching over to steal a snack from Osamu.
They eventually arrived at where the game was being held. Everyone got off of the bus which led to the public indecency of Atsumu flipping off Osamu. Luckily, tragedy was avoided because the spiker didn't notice, however, suns did get a picture to add to his collection of blackmail. He looked over the picture with a small snicker before putting his phone away.
Time eventually counted down until they had to go on the court to do warm ups right before the game started. Suna didn't remember which team they were playing against nor did he bother using up memory space and time to remember something that would ultimately be useless after today.
After stretches, the announcer started to introduce the starting lineups for both teams. The middle blocker would've preferred being taken off of the starting line up because of the individual attention he got. From one person was enough, a whole stadium however, was more than overwhelming though but he suppressed this feeling and continued with a stoic face. Although he slouched a little more when the eyes were brought to him, almost as if he would be hidden from them. At the same time, he craved for the attention of the audience. Each time he was called for the starting line up both pride and anxiety swell in him. He wanted the attention, he wanted it all, but he didn't want any of it either. In a sense, he was a double edged sword, using a weapon that would cut him and his adversaries. He was always double sided. Both in rejecting love every change he got and wanting the love. Loved or not being loved. A decision that he waited too long to make and now he paid the price.
A whistle blew, as the first set had officially begun. Inarizaki was serving first, more specifically Aran. He didn't bother to look behind him to see the third year serve, watching it go over the net sufficed. The opposing team received it nicely which caused Suna to stand a little straighter as he prepared to block. He glanced beside him to see Osamu who was preparing to block as well. Pain stabbed in his lungs as the setter on the other team sent the ball to what was presumably their ace.
The brown haired boy coughed once, causing him to jump a second too late, luckily the ball was received which meant a round two of this.
Great.
He broke into a small coughing fit, nervously glancing around the court wondering what he had to do in order to help get them the point.
Osamu approached the net with Atsumu preparing to set to him. The middle blocker gaze was transfixed on the grey haired twin which caused his coughing to grow worse, he saw the other team get ready to block. I have to be ready to receive-
That he was unable to do. Fortuitous for him, the twins' set was successful and hit the other end of the court with a satisfying smack.
With an almost satisfying smack.
The thing that made it lose its noise was the struggling hacks and wheezes Suna produced as he struggled to breath between coughs. As flowers erupted from his mouth, he dropped to his knees hard. The pain was numbed with the adrenaline coursing through him. This is it… is this where I die?
The coughs and flowers wouldn't stop even as he beckoned it to. Everyone is watching this. They're judging you. Stop. Stop. Stop. This isn't funny. Get the attention off. Look away… Occasionally, the flowers brought blood up with it as stems cut his throat. He was numb and unaware of what was going on around him. There were noises, people calling his name perhaps. Hands wrapped around him to bring him off the court and after that he was lost in his own head and panic.
The chrysanthemums eventually stopped falling to the ground, leaving a yellow trail tinted with blood. Too many were coming so they piled in his throat, blocking his airways. His eyes widened upon this realization as his hands went around his throat, desperately clawing at it as if it would help alleviate the pressure building up. Someone realized and helped him, the flowers becoming dislodged as they poured out again.
Disgusting
No wonder no one loved you
Panicked sobs ripped their way through his chest as the tears slipped down his cheeks.
He didn't want to die.
There were things he still wanted to do. He still wanted to feel loved. He wanted to love other people still. It wasn't fair. None of this was fair.
"Calm down… an ambulance is almost here."
He didn't want to be saved.
He would get the surgery and become loveless if he were saved. His mind flashed to his parents. Since the beginning, he always promised himself that he would become like them.
Slowly, the realization dawned on him.
He was already like them.
From the start of this all, he had been like them already. Suppressing his emotions and acting like an emotionless wall. Only giving smart or blunt remarks.
He stopped breathing for a moment which caused the people making sure he stayed alive to panic a bit. He started breathing again between coughs and slowly calmed down. What was the point of delaying the inevitable anyway?
The coughing and struggle to breath only grew worse despite the calm that had taken over him.
everything was louder than usual in his ears as the gym collected calamity. No one was quite sure of what was going on except the fact that a player was dying. He was sure the front rows knew, the back rows of the audience would probably think it was an asthma attack or something.
The edges of his vision started to go dark, the lack of oxygen starting to mess with him. The dots of black covering his peripheral was slightly welcoming in a sense. He knew it would all be over soon.
Over…
Did he really want this to be over? For his life to end?
"Rintarou!"
…
No.
He didn't want things to end like this. He wanted to deal with the twins antics, for their stupid decisions that he took part in to put a smile on his face. He still wanted that.
He still wanted to see the sunrise.
It faintly registered that someone called his name. He looked up and his eyes rested on Osamu who looked terrified.
He smiled softly.
He wanted to spend more time with Osamu.
" 'm sorry-" Suna murmured before violently hacking again.
He never got what he wanted though.
He wouldn't spend more time with Osamu.
He wouldn't participate in the twins' endeavours.
He wouldn't see the sunrise.
That was sad..
If he had known today would have been his last time seeing the sun go up, he would've stayed awake to watch it. Instead he missed it.
Like how he missed his opportunity to be loved—to feel loved.
Missed…
Would he be missed? Would he even have a funeral? Would anyone show up?
No.
Rintarou Suna was alone.
He lied to Kita about how sick he was. He wasn't truthful with Osamu. He was an ass to Atsumu at times. He gave a cold shoulder to everyone. What had he ever done for them?
Nothing.
School crushes are for losers. In middle school and below, it never mattered but for some reason in high school, it meant everything. They would just end up getting hurt in the end. Suna learned that a while ago. So why…
Why did he insist on falling in love and getting hurt? School crushes were for losers and Suna was the biggest loser of all.
In both love and life he lost the two games he unknowingly was forced to participate in.
He took a sighing breath as his vision bleed out into nothing.
Curiosity tugged at him, forcing him to wonder if he would spend the afterlife alone. Only evanescent in people's minds.
There was nothing memorable about him anyway. He was quiet and always stuck to the shadows.
Nothing like Atsumu who spoke his mind and basked in the light of praise, no words seemed to affect him.
Nothing like Osamu who was just a memorable face, iconic even; twin of Atsumu and copacetic
Nothing like the beeping that went through his head.
It was steady.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
It was as steady as his heart. Heart monitor. The realization sunk deep within him. His eyes fluttered open, sunlight filtered through a curtained window. It was pleasant, nice even.
He sat up, wincing as sharp pain dug into his side. Looking around, he recognized where he was.
Hospital.
"Sunarin, yer up?" A voice said from beside him.
He looked around and focused on Osamu who was in a chair beside his hospital bed. Suna smiled softly at the sight of him. Something was missing though. He felt odd. There wasn't ardor bubbling in his chest or a sharp pain instead there was just a dull ache in his chest and sides.
"No. I'm only a figment of your imagination…" Suna said sarcastically, his voice hoarse.
Osamu noticed the scratchiness of the middle blocker's voice and handed him a water bottle with a straw. Typically, he would have protested against the straw but he felt too weak to drink water normally so he was thankful for the consideration.
"Doctors say that ya shouldn't talk too much cause the stems of the flowers cut her throat or sumthin'" Osamu said.
"It most certainly felt like it…" Suna scoffed as he leaned back. "What happened anyway… after I blacked out." He asked, voice slipping in and out of audibility. He was sure Osamu was relying on lip reading half the time.
The spiker looked down, "They performed the surgery on ya."
"Oh." That explained a lot. "I didn't want it though."
"What do ya mean ya didn't want it? Ya almost died Rin." Osamu said, wide eyed.
He thought over his response carefully, "Well… I still wanted to be able to feel love and love others although I never did that in the first place…” He shrugged, “It doesn’t matter now. What's done is done now.”
Osamu’s gaze softened, “I’m sorry about this all…”
“Why?” Panic stirred in Suna’s chest. The twin wasn't supposed to know that he was the person he likes.
Liked.
Why else would he be apologizing?
The grey haired boy looked away with a sad smile, “I don't really know why I’m apologizin’ I just feel like I should.”
Relief swarmed through him as he relaxed back into his hospital bed, eyes half lidded as they sat in silence for a bit. “Thank you for being here.” Suna said quietly before they fell into a comfortable quiet once more.
The incision wounds from the surgery hurt. They were scattered across his chest wall and it seemed like a rather invasive procedure given the amount of aching was going on in that area. The pain would've been more docile if he had gotten the surgery sooner but alas, he was stubborn.
He missed the feeling of affection that would rise in chest whenever he was talking to the twin but he never really deserved to feel that way in the first place. After all, he never was enough...
They stayed in silence for a bit before the latter spoke up.
"Can I ask ya somethin' that may be a bit personal?"
"Sure."
"Who was it...?" Osamu asked softly from beside him. The entire question didn't need to be asked for Suna to understand what was being asked.
Who did he fall in love with?
The middle blocker shrugged, looking away. He didn't care about hiding the truth anymore. What good would it do? "It was you." He stated simply
"Rin I'm..." The spiker started, trying to find the right wording as he paused. The basic apologies that you learned in preschool didn't exactly teach you how to apologize for almost killing someone cause you didn't love them back. "I'm so sorry."
"It's fine. I'm not upset... It's not like it matters anyway." His fingers traced the sutures on his skin.
It doesn’t matter anymore…
It hurt but everything was numb, silent. Not a single stab of pain, not the light feeling he had whenever he talked to Osamu. Not even a spike of happiness. It was all empty.
“Is it really fine? You know that you won't be able to feel love-”
“Stop.” Suna snapped then flinched at his tone as he took on a softer one. “Don’t remind me… please.” The room fell silent as the grey-haired twin understood why he didn't want to talk about it. He found the silence comforting in a way.
Love hurt so much but no love hurt more. It was worse than the feeling of being incapable of breathing cause at least he could feel something.
He wasn't sure he started crying and Osamu held him reassuringly. He didn’t know when the silent weeping turned into loud sobs. He only knew that he was glad that his face was hidden because he was far from a pretty crier.
“I can see why you didn’t love me…” Suna sniffled after calming down slightly. The spiker tensed slightly. “I’m an ugly crier… worse than ‘Tsumu probably...” He joked, laughing sadly.
“Get some rest.” The other said softly, his eyes full of pity. Suna hated it.
He nodded and drew back, laying down on the hospital bed. He closed his eyes, silent for a long moment. “Hey ‘Samu?”
“Hm?”
“Maybe next time, you’ll love me back…”