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“Look at you...”
Reiner could not help his heart from still fluttering at that voice, even after almost three years since the last time he heard it. His eyes were close, too heavy from exhaustion. It was better this way. There was a fear that if he opened them, he would wake up from this dream.
Alone.
This was the worst-case scenario, this reality. A reality that he did not wish to think about for now as he indulged himself in his mind tricking him.
Giving a faint smile at the way cold fingertips brushed over his clean-shaven chin. The action had them moved upward to the corner of his lips and he leaned onto those palms once it reached his cheeks, cupping them. Reiner had missed this so much.
“All shaved and no more hollow cheeks.” The voice chuckled. Despite mocking him, it was sounding so fond as if he was in fact very much enjoying this new appearance having only seen it in old dreams.
I've been eating well lately.
Reiner confirmed as he remembered the last ambassadors' dinner a few days ago before their departure for Liberio. They had been mostly treated like heroes in those parts of the world where the rumbling had destroyed almost everything. So many different civilizations, countries, people had suffered from the same thing that it had been able to create mutual aid between them like never before.
Now it did not erase all resentment and conflicts from the world but it was the first step in their current mission of seeking peace.
Reiner had worked hard to help the reconstruction, doing everything he could to be worthy of this title of hero. Unlike how his young self would have enjoyed this status yet, it was more a reminder of the responsibility he had in this disaster.
This longer lifespan he had inherited from it… Reiner would make sure to make it worth all those sacrifices by trying to stop anyone else from suffering from wars.
“Shouldering everything again?” The fingers pinched the cheeks, resulting in Reiner's eyes blink open at the sudden pain, dumbfounded.
His fear of waking up alone was dreading him so much that it took a while for Reiner to realize that no, he was not alone in his room. Sitting on the mattress, by his side, Reiner could feel him.
“...” His tongue was numb despite his desires of uttering his name, crying it even if his voice was hoarse.
The smile on the other's face confirmed it was not necessary though, that they could feel one another's emotions. That smile was all Reiner could gaze at, not looking upward in fear that half of this face was still missing.
“Your hair is growing too long.”
I should cut it, yes.
Reiner nodded, feeling those fingers now tangled in his blond strands. His bang could almost be slicked back by now...
He should ask his mother to cut it for him later.
“... People are finally listening to you.” The lightness of their discussion —was it even one? — was gone with that remark. Reiner stared down at the way the mattress was bending under the additional weight on it, knowing well to who or more like what he was referring to.
The world.
I hope they do...
There was no guarantee that everyone would listen to them, ‘heroes who stopped the rumbling’. Even without the power of the Titan —no especially without it, words were all they had left. They were now equal to the rest of the humans but this also meant they were even more vulnerable to the conflicts of this world.
Would they even be able to achieve something before the world was at each other’s throats again? They were supposed to go to Paradis next in the hope to stop this growing tension…
What if we failed?
“They will.”
Those words were all the reassurances Reiner needed to feel better. As those fingers left his hair, they headed for his shoulders to hold him close. Instinctively, Reiner shuddered. The pain from an old injury was still present even two years after it occurred, a stupid accident...
It took him a while –Annie, Pieck, and Armin too. They were the same, having trouble remembering sometimes that they were no longer shifters. That any injuries would not immediately heal. Yet, he still somehow had worth in this world despite not being the Armored Titan anymore.
“Your words will reach them.” The voice was blowing breath against his face with how close they now were. Before he could gasp, Reiner was silenced by a pair of lips.
It was cold. His eyes closed again so that he could enjoy this kiss properly. However, after a while, he barely felt anything but a breeze against his lips. It seemed to be giving air back into his lungs the moment they parted.
“Just like my words reached you...”
“Porco...”
Waking up in that instant felt cruel, a reminder that all of this was just a dream, a trick of his unconsciousness. Nonetheless, the fact Reiner could still sense Porco's lips on his own or the way that even now the part of the mattress where he had been sitting was warm, allowed him to bask a bit more into that illusion.
It had been years since he last cried, putting a strong face for everyone, somehow having mechanically turned back into that big brother persona to carry on. There was no way he could cry when meeting all those people who lost everything. Fearing that his suffering was not legitimate as being an Eldian, he had been used to learning very early on that their existence meant nothing and so his emotions meant even less.
But, right now, in the security of his room, Reiner could not help breaking down, whimpering, sobbing, and wailing. It was ugly, no apparent end to all those feelings he had been holding on to for so long.
The last time it had occurred, it was right after that battle when....
“I'm sorry… I was by his side, I failed to protect him, I'm sorry I—” His voice had broken up then, not allowing him to say something more.
“It's fine, Reiner.” Porco's dad held his shoulder, the same emotion glittering in his eyes. “He fought until the end, right?”
“It's my fault... He...”
He died because of me. Just like Marcel. I’m—
“Our boys have loved you very much, Reiner.” Porco's mom confirmed despite the tears already falling down. They had indeed never put the blame on him for Marcel’s death either, only whispering to him that they wished the world was a better place.
“They would be proud of what you accomplished today.”
Reiner held back his tears since then, even upon their arrivals to what was left of Liberio.
Their hometown was nothing but a sight of the devastation, the world suffered from. Ruins of buildings were not even standing anymore, just paper-thin remains, dried blood, and bits of corpses who tried to avoid the rumbling.
Reiner could not cry, paralyzed at this vision of desolation.
It was like a slap of what had occurred, that even if they had their families, not everyone had been so lucky.
His mother had pushed him forward, saying she would try gathering what was left of their home while he should go around helping others. It was her way of asking for him to leave her alone to mourn properly their place. And Reiner obeyed like the obedient kid he still was at heart.
His footsteps took him to what was left of the Marley headquarters, knowing the path by heart despite having no more roads to find his way. He found a piece of the Helios' status, among two footsteps of colossal titans. It was half a face, showing how hollow this fake hero he had idolized was...
No, there were no heroes in reality, only in works of fiction…
“So, you came back here too...” Annie called him out of his reverie as he held that piece helplessly.
“It looks like we all did.” Pieck's saddened smile turned into a chuckle.
They were not free it seemed then with how instinctively they all had returned here. To nothing. Only ruins of the former building where the Warriors used to train... This was where they all met, more than a decade ago and where they should have died in a few years.
With this now renewed lifespan Reiner had no idea how to spend it.
“... A grave...”
Both women turned towards him at his whisper. His voice was hoarse but no tears could be seen. Reiner was feeling so overwhelmed that he seemed unable to cry, he most likely would shatter later. For now, he had to be strong.
“We should create a grave for... Everyone...”
At first, only one name wanted to come out of his mouth. But it would be egoistic to only be mourning one person while so many more had died for them to be able to stand right here in those fields of ruin.
What had they won out of it? A longer life did not seem to be worth all the sacrifices. The curse being lifted did not automatically mean that the world was going to be a better place.
The least they could do right now was having a grave to commemorate those they had lost, the way Eldians would do on Paradis and that they could not have in Liberio. Not being allowed to mourn the departed under Marley's rule was one of the hardest laws Eldians suffered. No, death only was supposed to mean they had atoned for their sins.
“Yeah, we should.” Pieck agreed, holding back a sob.
That’s right.
They should not cry –it was forbidden for Eldians to cry. Marleyan officers made sure to beat that into him during most of his training. Reiner was going to disobey one rule at a time. That mourning first, crying could come later. Later, where no one would see him.
And in that newly constructed home in Liberio, in that room where walls were not thin anymore to hear everything, all his bottled-up emotions for the past three years finally overflowed.
Back then Pieck, Annie, and quickly joined by Gabi and Falco were looking for not crushed flowers to embellish the makeshift grave to commemorate those they lost. It was not much unfortunately only a few rocks and pieces of wood but it did help them, Reiner wanted to believe.
Now, that commemorative gravestone, with hundreds of names engraved in it, was surrounded by countless varieties of flowers. The sight was a lot more beautiful than when they first set it with how Liberio was starting to find its life back, not just people but all living creatures. It warmed Reiner’s heart to witness how much his comrades were properly honored.
Among those names, at the very top of the headstone, there were all the warriors' ones along with general Magath's one. Zeke's name had been questioned but Reiner’s decision had been immutable. Zeke had never desired the rumbling from happening and helped them stop it. Period. No need to be seeking into the past about how his action might have indeed caused it.
If they did, they would not be better than Marley, never-ending this circle of revenge again and again... They had to stop the world from seeking hatred to justify more pain.
It was already the case in Paradis where they were supposed to head for as the situation was growing tenser with how much their military was scaring other nations which in turn were seeking mass production of weapons instead of water and food for their population...
He would prevent another war.
Reiner stared at that name, tracing it delicately like a caress while the bouquet in his other hand begged to be free from his tight grip. He hated this, hating coming to this place even if he needed it. The presence of soldiers in this sacred graveyard was a reminder that they did not achieve peace, yet.
It was up to him and the others to try to preserve it.
“I will be the better man, Porco. Watch me.” Reiner whispered, placing the flowers among the countless more. Red tulips and pink carnations were specially chosen by him thanks to the florist’s advice.
Undying love and gratitude.
A tear fell down from his cheek before he could stop himself. Reiner would blame the rain if someone asked something about it.
Those kinds of days, where even the weather seemed to be mourning, it was the days that had Reiner at his lowest. Living was a fight and sometimes he was tired of it, but he promised. He would live this life fully to make amends for his actions, to try to prevent this world from making the same mistakes again and again.
Even if it was hard, Reiner had to be better.
So, that one day, he could refute those words about being the lesser one and kiss those lips properly before Porco tried to argue.