Chapter Text
Dear Diary,
Am taking up journaling as a matter of discipline and personal expression. You will be the first to know if I quit. Obviously.
-
Dear Diary,
Was told by Xiongzhang that I need to “slow down” and “stop taking so much on myself” and “be less strict with two-year-olds”. Ridiculous. Would I take so much on myself if there wasn't so much that needed doing?
Learning to walk instead of run is an important life lesson at any stage of development.
-
Dear Diary,
Will be taking Shufu's classes with the guest disciples. Am tentatively excited by this chance to learn from Shufu's wisdom in an academic setting, as well as test skills against other clans. Am tentatively disappointed by the assurance that this means I will have to socialize.
Xiongzhang said this would be a good opportunity to meet people. Are there not enough people already in Cloud Recesses?
-
Dear Diary,
Today Su Minshan tried to demonstrate his mastery of a sword form I mastered two years ago. Unnecessary. Had to interrupt my own training to show him what he was doing wrong.
He's still doing it wrong.
-
Dear Diary,
I fail to understand what difficulties others have with “rules” and “obeying them”. If one has an invitation, one should simply not forget it. This would avoid wasting everyone's time, including one’s own.
One should also shut their stupidly pretty mouth before they say something inadvisable, or one will be made to shut one's stupidly pretty mouth until one learns how to shut it for oneself.
I have never been so invested in making someone be silent
-
Today I discovered that I am gay. Must not tell Xiongzhang, as he will throw a coming out party. Unnecessary. Will instead devote myself to learning how to counter Jiang sword forms.
Xiongzhang thinks I should make more friends.
-
Dear Diary,
Today Shufu threw a book at Wei Wuxian. Was temporarily upset about Shufu's loss of composure, but then he assigned me to handle Wei Wuxian's punishment. Reassured that the universe is essentially harmonious.
-
Am confirmed in the belief that Wei Wuxian is dangerously reckless with both rules and common sense, as he spent the afternoon fishing with some Nie cultivator instead of appearing for punishment as he knew he ought to do. Shameless.
Tomorrow, I will make him learn shame.
-
Dear Diary,
Wei Wuxian has not learned shame, he has wasted his time making drawings of me with pretty flowers and reading pornography and making me look at pornography . I am irretrievably turned on . This is – Ridiculous. Boring. Extremely boring. Shameless .
Am considering the possibility that he is simply like this with everyone, which is even more humiliating. Isn't Jiang Cheng always angry with him?
Someone should teach him not to ask for things he doesn't want.
-
Dear Diary,
Confided my worries and shame in Xiongzhang; steadfastly avoided any mention of the pornography. It is burned into my mind, and I see no reason to add to his burdens. Furthermore, he would tease me relentlessly. Silence is my only defense.
He suggested that Wei Wuxian is “charming” and “high energy” and “perhaps has a crush on me”. Ridiculous – Wei Wuxian is just like that with everyone, because he is shameless and has no dignity. I have never been of interest to anyone. I cannot expect that Wei Wuxian would be the sole outlier in this respect.
He will not stop calling me Lan Zhan.
-
Dear Diary,
Shufu is heading out to the Qinghe cultivation conference. Strongly suspect that Cloud Recesses will be overrun by guest disciples on vacation.
Will dedicate my spare time to guqin and sword practice. Forcefully.
-
Dear Diary,
Am considering that perhaps Wei Wuxian is not always ridiculous without reason, as today he saved my life by being so annoying that even water ghouls would ignore him. I likely would have been fine. All the same, his efforts are appreciated.
Later saved him and another disciple from drowning, so the favor was repaid. Barely avoided touching him in the process. The back of his neck is warm and soft. He, of course, took the opportunity to be overly familiar. Shameless.
People should not be smart and pretty and charming.
Should probably avoid telling Xiongzhang about feelings in future. Unsure of probability of success. Have gone to great efforts to be visibly emotionless, yet he always knows .
-
Dear Diary,
Today I discovered that Jiang Cheng's courtesy name is Jiang Wanyin. Am mildly unsettled by this, as no one seems to call him by it. Must remember to use it in future. Must remember to remind Shufu to use it in future. Xiongzhang, I fear, is a lost cause.
-
Dear Diary,
No talking while eating means no talking while eating – not just talking when you think no one will notice, or whispering so loud that everyone can still hear you.
-
Dear Diary,
Today I may have gotten accidentally married in front of, as some would say, the "objective coolest ancestor of the Lan clan". Will take this secret to my grave.
Should I tell Wei Wuxian? I must never tell Wei Wuxian.
-
Dear Diary,
Today Jiang Yanli subtly asked me about my intentions with her shidi. Barely managed to get out of the conversation with two “Mns” and one “Hm”. She smiled very warmly at me when we were through. Suspect that she was hiding a shiv in one of her sleeves.
Rates in the top ten of conversations I've had about my love life. Much less uncomfortable than listening to my greataunts, who assume that being gay is a phase. Ridiculous.
No wonder Lan Yi-qianbei hid in the Cold Pond Cave for, as Wei Wuxian would put it, "gay crimes". Must remember in case I ever seek seclusion, as it is prime real estate and comes with local wildlife.
-
Dear Diary,
Today Wei Wuxian drew rabbits for me at the Lantern Festival. I...cannot be sure that he would have done this for just anyone. Certainly not Nie Huaisang. He chose to light a lantern with me. I would give many things to know that to him, I am special.
He wished that he could always stand with justice and live with no regrets. I have never met anyone who shares so many of my own principles. I have never met anyone who looked so beautiful in the twilight. I have never met someone who so infuriates and energizes me in equal measure.
It is fortunate that the lectures are almost over, because otherwise he would have gotten kicked out for punching Jin Zixuan, however well deserved.
-
Dear Diary,
Am off on secret mission. No details will be forthcoming due to its classified nature.