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For as long as Shelby could remember, she had had a conflicted relationship with the moon. On those occasional nights when the Texas heat was too much to sleep in, she would sit on the edge of her bed and look out her window to that beautiful glow in the sky. Little Shelby would talk to her new friend Selene (she started calling her that after learning about the Greek goddess Selene, the goddess of the moon) for hours, telling her about the pretty girl she played with on the playground or the new story she read in Bible class. Selene was her closest confidant, even more so than Becca.
When she got older Shelby would still occasionally talk to Selene, but this time it was different. It wasn’t the hot nights that kept her up but the gut wrenching, mortifying fear of what she thought she might be. Instead of babbling about how her day was and how much fun she was having, Selene became her one chance to take off her pageant queen mask and just say what she felt. Most times she would cry, telling Selene about how worried she was that she might like girls, and oh god what would she do if her father found out. Other nights she took her conversations with Selene as an opportunity to grieve. Mostly to grieve for herself, and how when morning came she’d have to hide her away again. (Sometimes she’d say that she’d have to push herself back in the closet, just to make her laugh in between tears.) But the last time she ever let herself grieve in front of Selene was the night she found out about Becca. After that, she couldn’t bring herself to see her old friend anymore.
A bit of time later, after a plane crash, an island, a slip of feelings, and a frantic haircut, Shelby found herself looking up at Selene again, just like she had all that time ago. She had distanced herself from the 7 other girls trapped with her, enough out of earshot for her to speak comfortably.
“Hey Selene,” she began. “I’m sure you saw my whole spectacle over there. Lord knows what Daddy would’ve done if he’d seen me ruin my perfect pageant hair like that….” she let a small laugh escape her. “I’m sure the girls are all pretty surprised too… don’t think Little Miss Texas losing it was on their What’ll Happen on the Island Next? bingo cards.” She sat in silence for a second, as if she was waiting for Selene to respond before finally letting the well of emotions inside her open up a little.
“Good Lord, what am I gonna do? I shouldn’t have kissed her. I shouldn’t have ran. I shouldn’t have downed that tequila to try and make it go away…. I was so drunk and angry and mean to her today and I-”
“Shelby?” Shelby quickly wiped the tears that had started trailing down her cheeks and turned to see who had spoken. (She already knew who had spoken though. She’d recognize her voice anywhere.)
“Oh, hi there Toni.” Shelby said, plastering on that pageant smile.
Toni just looked at her for a moment before seating herself in the sand, keeping a bit of distance between her and Shelby.
The two girls sat in silence for a moment, the glow of the moon highlighting their faces. Toni turned to face the girl next to her, trying to read her expression. Once she realized it was a lost cause, she decided to speak up.
“Look, Shelby -” the blonde turned to look at her. “I’m not going to push you to tell me what’s wrong, but I do know that there is something on your mind, so I guess… if you want to tell me about it, I’m here.”
To say Shelby was surprised at Toni’s words was a bit of an understatement. From the moment they all set foot on this beach Toni had been a firecracker, full of anger but also full of passion for what she cared about. Shelby would’ve expected a full on interrogation from the girl, especially considering what had brought on Shelby’s meltdown in the first place. But she hadn’t. Which confused Shelby even more than she already had been. However, Toni’s offer seemed genuine, so Shelby decided to open up just a little bit.
“Do you know anything about cars, Toni?”
Toni scoffed. “No. Not really. Hell, I don’t even have my license.”
Shelby smiled, “Well, I do.” she looked down towards the sand, not wanting to look at the girl next to her. “ Daddy doesn’t really like us watching too much TV in my house, but he’d always make an exception for the Mecum auctions. We’d sit in the living room and watch as people bid on these gorgeous cars, talkin’ about which ones we liked the best and what we’d bid on if we were there.” She stopped for a second, not wanting to talk about the next part. She felt a comforting hand place itself on her shoulder, and it gave her the strength to continue.
“We were gonna go in person at the end of the summer. They have one in Houston, so we were gonna drive and just go for the weekend. But now -” she choked back a sob. “I don’t even know how I could be around him anymore. If you think I’m too religious, you couldn’t even begin to understand how he is.”
“I don’t think you’re too religious Shleby that’s not what I-”
“But you do Toni!” She threw her hands up angrily, which caused Toni to scoot back a little. Shelby let out a dry laugh. God, now she was the angry one. She turned to look at Toni, who had shock written all over her face.
“I honestly don’t even blame you,” Shelby said. “Sometimes I wish I wasn’t. Because maybe then I wouldn’t have to hate myself so much. Hate what I am.” The last part came out a little more bitterly than she had intended, but she meant it nonetheless. She absolutely refused to look at Toni after that so she turned her face towards the sky instead, finding comfort in the friendly glow of the moon. She knew Selene hadn’t forgotten her.
What she didn’t know, though, was that the girl sitting next to her was finally starting to understand her just a little bit more. Toni had suspected that the breakdown had had something to do with both the kiss and Shelby’s “I love Jesus” attitude, but it hurt to have her suspicions confirmed. Toni herself had never really had to deal with coming out to her parents, but that was just because they were never there. She couldn’t imagine how hard it would be to know your parents wouldn’t accept you. To not even have that hope that they might because they’ve made it very clear that they don’t.
In that moment, she wanted more than anything to reach out to Shelby, give her some form of reassuring hug or even just squeeze her hand to tell her she was there for her. But before she could she heard Dot call out to them, wanting to get a headcount of everyone before she went to bed. Toni sighed and stood up to leave. She’d find another time to finish this conversation with Shelby. She looked down at the other girl and extended her hand.
“Dot’s calling. We should probably head back.” She said.
“Tell Dot I’ll be there in just a second” Shelby replied. The moment over, Toni could see that pageant queen mask take over Shelby’s face again, so she just nodded and went back.
Shelby, on the other hand, sat for just a few more minutes, turning back to her friend in the sky.
“She’s beyond confusing, isn’t she Selene?” Shelby smiled to herself. “I don’t know why I’m so drawn to her. There’s just something there. I think whatever it is though, it’s gonna be something good.” And in that moment, she felt like she did when she was a kid, gossiping with her best friend.