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Remus didn’t feel anything else than anger. Pure anger. He was trying to convince himself this anger was at Harry for saying all those things to him. But no. He wasn’t angry at Harry. He was angry at himself.
Remus was angry at his father for insulting Greyback. Remus was angry at Greyback for biting him that night. Remus was angry at The Wizarding World for not having found a cure yet. Remus was angry at God, The Universe or whatever was controlling everything, he had such a terrible luck. Remus was angry at Voldemort for creating two wars now. Remus was angry for losing so many people. For losing Sirius. Again.
Harry didn’t understand shit. He was just a teen. Although… Harry was just like him in so many things. Harry was an orphan just like him. Harry was marked by a destiny he didn’t want. Harry had lost so many people. He lost Sirius too.
Remus hated himself because everything Harry had said was right. Harry was such a vivid representation of James and Lily. Both of them at the same time. Remus knew James would’ve said the same thing, with his intact honor. Lily would’ve totally sided with Dora. Both being strong and independent women.
Everything was his fault for letting himself feel again. To be so fool to let Dora in. There was a bloody reason he was saying no. And he never intended for a child… Remus didn’t know it was biologically possible. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Remus was pissed. So drunk, he couldn’t walk properly.
“Watch it wanker!” someone yelled
Remus couldn’t care less. If someone dared to start a fight with him right now, he might’ve killed them. The sound of the city of London was overwhelming him. He wanted it to stop. He wanted everything to stop.
Remus entered a muggle pub quickly. The place was quitter. Remus sat at one of the strolls, catching his breath. He closed his eyes in pain. Everything hurt. But the worst pain was on his chest.
Remus didn’t want to talk to anyone right now. Not anyone that was alive anyway. But there was one person, still alive that could listen to him. He always did. He used to be there for him. The only person Remus had, that made him feel peace, real happiness.
Grant.
When Remus was with Grant, he forgot about his lycanthropy, his pain, bloody magic, Voldemort, The War. And Remus let him go. Why did he let him go? Oh, yeah. Sirius….
Someone slid a glass of alcohol towards him. That hand was so familiar.
“He’s right, you know? Harry?”
It was James. Bloody James Potter. Bright and handsome as when he was 21. Hair untidy, grinning like an idiot. Remus sighed. It happened once before. That Remus saw him on his mind. It happened three years ago when Remus was trying to figure out if Sirius was innocent, after seeing Peter’s name on the Map.
“Shut up”
He was dizzy for the booze. Remus hid his face on his hands. But James was still grinning. Fucking idiot.
“Having a family is the best thing that could happen to you”
“You were 21. And no offense, but you never got the chance”
James snorted.
“I still enjoyed my time with Lils and Harry”
“For me is different. You’re not a fucking werewolf”
“But you’re a kind one” another voice added. Such familiar voice “You never hurt me. Don’ discredit yourself, luv”
Remus turned to his side. Grant. Another grinner. Grant looked younger, his best self. So handsome and careless. He wasn’t real.
“What are you doing on my mind?”
“D’know. You summoned me” he leaned back on his seat.
Remus closed his eyes. He wanted them to go away.
“Please just leave me alone”
“It’s not our fault that we are in your mind, Moony” James said confidently
Remus shook his head.
“Me, and your friend Grant”
“I’m very important to him, aren’ I, sweetheart?” Grant answered.
“What about me, Moony?” another voice said, this one sounded distant, muffed. Sirius
“No…” Remus shook his head violently “I cannot remember you. It hurts so much”
“Fair enough” It was James this time.
Remus opened his eyes. James and Grant were still there. Luckily not him…
“I want to die…” Remus murmured
“So… You wanted to ran away with teenagers?” Grant asked amused.
Remus rolled his eyes.
“With my son” James nodded
“You care Grant?” Remus asked annoyed “You left me”
“I did it so you could be happy with Sirius…”
“He’s dead!”
“I’m dead too” James said casually “And still I’m still here, giving life advice”
Remus didn’t answer.
“You deserve to be happy”
“He’s right, love” Grant added “You deserve everything in the world”
“Oh yeah?” Remus answered pissed “Then why life has been so cruel with me, ha?”
None of them answered this time.
“Someone cares to explain?” Remus continued “I lost you and Lily” he said to James “I lost all my fucking friends. I lost him…” he didn’t dare to say his name right now “Twice…” he took a deep breath “And then I lost you” he said to Grant “And I don’t even know if you would like to talk to me”
“You know I would” Grant smiled
“I don’t how to tell you this”
“Moony…” James interrupted “What would be the harm? In having a child, in loving Dora…”
Remus look down “I care too much about her”
“You gave yourself a chance with meh” Grant said
But Remus ignored him “And the child…” he closed his eyes “Fuck, what if the child turns out like me?”
“Mischievous and fun?” James tried
“Handsome and noble?” Grant added
“A werewolf…”
“You’re a werewolf” James said
“And you turned out alright” Grant added
“I’m a mess” Remus sniffed “And this is weird. You never met each other”
“I’m pretty sure I would’ve liked you” Grant said to James
Remus snorted “You wouldn’t have”
“And I’m pretty sure I would’ve liked you” James smiled “If you weren’t Sirius’ competition”
“Anyway…” Remus interrupted impatiently “I don’t want that child… to be… as… to go through everything I went through. The pain, the discrimination, the isolation…”
“Not everything was bad” Grant began
“And the laws are awful for werewolves right now. There’s a bloody war. Dumbledore is death. James… your son is in danger. Harry...” Remus covered his face remembering Harry’s angry and disappointed face.
“The one that yelled at you?” James asked “I reckon he will be fine”
“Darling you are getting ahead of yourself” Grant said calmly “We don’t know if your child…”
“Shut up Grant, you don’t understand” Remus yelled “Neither do you James” then he whispered “Nobody understands what is like to be a fucked up messy werewolf… And it’s not my child…”
“It is” James protested
“And Dora…” Remus sighed ignoring James “Dora is a wonderful person. She doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve me”
“She doesn’t deserve to be left alone, pregnant” James said
Remus didn’t answer. He had tears on his eyes.
“Remember what I’m doing love” Grant said “I’m rescuing kids without family… D’ya want that for yours? To grow up without a father?”
Grant was right. As always. Fucking bastard. Remus missed him so much. Grant was smiling at him.
“Moony, do you think I wasn’t scared? That I didn’t want to run and leave Lily alone at some point?” James asked
“You could never do that” Remus answered without thinking.
“Think about it… I was nineteen. We were on the middle of the war…”
“You were a golden person, James. Not like me”
James smiled shaking his head.
“You loved Lily”
“And you don’t love Dora?”
Remus thought about it. He did, didn’t he? Dora was amazing. Dora had been incredible to him. Dora loved him with all her heart. Remus loved her as well. But there was something in the back of his mind that stopped him. It was like with Grant. A different type of love. The one he had for Grant, the one he had for Dora, and one he had for…
And there he was, behind James. Sirius Black, young, beautiful, so so gorgeous, just 21. Remus cried looking at his beauty. The one he remembered. James was gone. Grant was gone. Everyone was gone. All Remus could see was Sirius. Sirius and only Sirius. But he was long gone.
“Why did you have to leave me?” he asked him “Again?”
Sirius opened his mouth to speak but Remus interrupted.
“Don’t say anything. I know it’s gonna hurt”
Sirius smiled sympathetically.
Remus closed his eyes and began sobbing. Perhaps hoping Sirius would comfort him like he used to. But he didn’t. Because Sirius was gone.
Remus cried and cried like a little child. He let out everything he had stored. All his feelings through those tears.
When Remus calmed down, his head was still on the counter.
“Let yourself love again, sweetheart” Grant whispered on his ear
“What if I lose her? What if I lose Dora and my child, just like I’ve lost everyone else?”
“You haven’t lost us” James added “We are always gonna be with you”
Remus kept crying.
“Moony….” This time was Sirius’ voice. Remus’ didn’t dare to look at him. “You think you’re the worst mess, and that you have the worst luck… But you were the most precious thing to me, and I think we were so lucky to find each other…”
Flashes of memories ran through Remus’ mind. Happy moments with Sirius. Happy moments with his friends. Happy moments with Grant. Happy moments as a teacher. Even happy moments with Dora.
“Please be happy without me, Moony…” Sirius continued “Please continue without me…”
Remus had stopped crying; he was calmer now. He thought about another type of life with Dora and their child. It didn’t look so bad now. Remus had had a great time with The Marauders. Remus had had a great time with Sirius. Remus had had a great time with Grant. All different times, all different Remuses. Maybe he can have a great time with his new family, with a brand-new Remus.
Remus looked up. Sirius was still there, smiling at him. James and Grant grinning at his side. But they were not alone. Besides them, were three girls: Lily, Marlene and Mary, young and beautiful. Hope was there as well, young, as Remus had seen her in the pictures, not the sick version of her. Regulus and The Potters (Fleamont and Euphemia). All smiling at Remus…
“Oi!!... Sir! Oi….!”
Remus felt someone poking him. Remus woke up. The place seemed darker and paler. But the same. No one was in front of him, except a bartender eyeing him confused.
“We’re about to close, sir” he said “You’ll have to go home”
Dora, the baby. They were his home now.
Remus nodded. He stood up.
“You’re right” he said “I need to go back home”