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Later that day, the day of his breakdown; after the Diamonds returned to the stars and the others scattered to their homes in Beach City, the Gems, Connie, Steven’s dad… well, they talked.
“Steven,” Connie put a hand on his arm. “It’s okay to not be okay.”
“I know it’s just… This is a little more than ‘not okay.’ I didn’t want to burden you guys with it.”
“But it’s not a burden, Steven. Helping each other… that’s what friends do.”
They crowded around him in living room of the beach house, doing their best to cheer him up.
“Connie’s right.” Garnet nodded firmly. “We're here for you."
“Yeah, we can take it! We’re tough!” Amethyst shapeshifted into a super-buff form and flexed her arms.
“I mean, we all knew something was wrong…” Pearl looked thoughtful. “We simply didn’t know how best to address the situation.”
Greg put a hand behind his head sheepishly. “I tried to help, and look how that turned out.”
“No, no, none of this is your fault! None of this is any of your guys fault.” Steven sighed, putting his head in his hands. Every part of him ached, physically and emotionally. He just wanted to collapse in his room.
But Connie leaned her head against his, breaking him out of his thoughts. “Like I said earlier, it’s not important whose fault it is. We all want to help you, and we will. One step at a time.”
Steven took a deep breath in, then let it out. “Okay.” After a moment he added, “Any chance I could get some alone time? I’m pretty exhausted.” He chuckled, but it sounded hollow, even to his own ears.
“Of course, you’ve had quite the day!” Pearl laughed nervously herself. Well, he got that habit from somewhere.
* * *
So Steven went to therapy. It helped, having someone to talk to, even if she was sometimes shocked by the things he told her. Asking anyone to take in all of the gem craziness of his life was asking a lot, he knew. Still, it helped.
It was different now with the others. They seemed more careful around him, stepping carefully around tricky subjects. No one talked about his—well, his breakdown, not directly anyway. But it was always there, that tension in the air. They checked in with him constantly, asking how he was doing, if he needed anything. He wouldn’t lie and say he hated the extra attention, especially at first. But Steven couldn't stand being treated like he was made of glass.
When Pearl asked if she could help with anything for the 20th time, Steven finally confronted her.
“It’s fine, Pearl, I can handle making spaghetti.” He stirred the pot on the stove while she hovered nearby.
“I--I know that! I suppose it's not really about the spaghetti, Steven. I just want to make sure we’re taking care of you.”
“It’s fine,” he repeated. He kept stirring.
Pearl sat on the couch, clasping her hands in her lap. “The truth is, Steven, I grew to rely on you.” She sighed. “Not just as a member of the team, but as someone to confide in. You always seemed to know what to say. To help me move on from the past. But now I’m starting to wonder…”
“Yeah?”
“Perhaps I relied on you a little too much.”
He put the lid back on. Condensation quickly fogged up the glass. “What do you mean?”
“You were so young, and, frankly, going through enough already. I was supposed to take care of you, not the other way around.”
“But I wanted to help!” Steven said, exasperated. “I don’t regret helping you, or the other Crystal Gems, or the Diamonds, or anyone.”
“Oh, that’s not what I meant!” Pearl waved her hands. “I’m not saying it’s bad to help, and wanting to is well, it’s a sign of what a good person you are, Steven. But so much was being asked of you already. Learning about gem culture, understanding your gem powers, then dealing with Homeworld and Rose's legacy... All of my, well, doubts were my responsibility, not yours.”
He turned fully toward the couch, crossing his arms. “I guess. But that doesn’t mean I want everyone to stop telling me their problems, or ever asking me for help.”
Pearl smiled slightly. “Of course. And I promise we will one day. But for now, can you promise to let other people help you ?”
Steven half-shrugged. “Well, I’ll try.”
“I couldn’t ask for more.”
* * *
Steven's therapist encouraged him to open more. Not just at therapy, but with his friends and family. He wanted to, but it was hard. How did you say "Oh yeah sometimes I'm still so intensely anxious as if was about to die, and I can't shake the feeling that something somewhere is going wrong—or about to—and I'll be thrown into another life-threatening situation, meanwhile I'm afraid the regular everyday stress (that everyone has to deal with!) will be something I never learn how to handle!"
It was easier when other people brought the topic up first.
Amethyst followed him around while he checked over the plants in the conservatory. It felt good to be doing something productive, watching the plants change with the seasons. She was clearly bored; spinning in cartwheels dangerously close to the fragile potted plants. He tried not to be annoyed.
“Hey Steven?”
“Yeah Amethyst?”
“Soooo remember when you turned that cactus alive and then it started repeating stuff you told it and that was like, the first time we all realized anything was even wrong?”
“Uh, yeah?” How could he forget that embarrassing mess.
“Well I was thinking about something it said back then.”
“Oh?” Dang, he’d kinda been hoping they'd all had forgotten the specifics.
“Yeah. And, first of all, I know you were going through a lot, so, I don’t hold it against you or anything, okay? But it said something about me, uh, ‘acting so mature now’? And since we’re supposed to be talking about stuff now—”
“Look, just, don’t worry about it. It’s not important.” He walked around a row of plants, leaving Amethyst behind.
She cartwheeled after him. “Okay well, if it’s not important theeeeenn why don’t you just tell me?”
“Can you stop that?” He asked, exasperated.
“Stop what?”
He put a hand over his face. “You’re going to break something.”
“Fiiiiiiine, if you actually talk to me!” Amethyst then ‘accidentally’ knocked into one of the hibiscus plants, wobbling it. “Whoops. Better decide fast!”
“Fiiiiiine,” Steven said, mimicking her tone. “Just, sit down, okay?”
The two of them sat on the bench. Afternoon light filtered through the glass, tinting everything with an orange glow. He focused on the physical sensations around him; the light, the wood of the bench, the smell of the flowers. It was one of the grounding techniques his therapist taught him.
Steven took a deep breath. “Back in the day, we kind of bonded over the fact that we both had, I don’t know, self confidence issues. And then you got over them, I guess. But I didn’t. So I started wondering what was wrong with me. Anyway, that's my problem, not yours. Sorry for taking it out on you.”
“Uh, no I didn’t.”
“Huh?”
“No, I didn’t just ‘get over’ my issues, Steven. I still have issues!”
“You do?” He knew he had a dumb look on his face, but he couldn’t wipe it off.
“Duh! Just because I got better doesn’t mean I never doubt myself, you know?” She put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s just, I got better at remembering the stuff I like about myself. So even if I start feeling down on myself sometimes, it's okay.”
“But I’m tired of it,” he muttered.
“Hey, come here.” Amethyst pulled him into a hug. “You got PLENTY to feel proud of. Really. Besides, if I can get some confidence, anyone can! Trust me.”
“I’ll try.” Steven smiled weakly.
“You better! Or I’ll squeeze you to death!” She turned the hug into a headlock, and Steven lost his breath with laughing and trying to wiggle away.
“If it would help, I could like, tell you when I'm feeling self-conscious? But ONLY if you do the same, all right?”
“Okay. It’s a deal.”
* * *
“Hey Garnet?” They were supposed to be rewatching Dogcopter, but Steven was looking at that painting of him and Garnet again.
“I’m listening.” She turned her head a few degrees toward him.
“I’m sorry. For everything.”
“You don’t have to be sorry, Steven. It’s okay.”
“Ugh I just. You don’t get it.” He rubbed his temples. Where to even begin?
Garnet adjusted her visor. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I don’t understand. But that’ll never change unless you tell me what you’re thinking.”
The lights from the TV flickered on the ceiling. Flickered on that painting and his own peaceful, contented face.
“I used to be… so happy, all the time. I always had something positive to say. Nothing could keep me down. Now, I’m not. I’m not who I used to be. I changed, but... what if I changed for the worse?”
Garnet finally took the remote and paused the movie. “Steven. None of us expect you to remain an innocent child. We loved you then, and we love you now. Even if you’re dealing with difficult emotions, that doesn’t make you worse than before.”
“How can you be sure?” Steven pulled his knees in to his chest and leaned back against the bed.
“Hm.” She seemed to think it over. “Because we’ve seen you grow. You’ve always been kind, Steven, but now you have a lot more experience with how complex the world and the people in it can be. You’ve learned to see the big picture. You gained confidence in yourself, trained hard, and worked through adversity.” She took off her visor, eyes crinkled in a smile. “We’re all proud of you.”
“Wow, heh, thanks.” He felt flustered at the barrage of compliments.
“We love every version of you, Steven. I hope that one day, you can love yourself, too.”
“Right, I… I hope so too.” He put a hand behind his head sheepishly.
Garnet replaced her visor. “Now, let’s finish this.” She unpaused the movie.
* * *
Steven did try, to let the others help him, to open up, and even to love himself. It wasn’t easy. Improvement wasn’t always linear, and he still had really bad days. But when he looked back over the past couple months, he couldn’t deny that things had gotten better.
He wasn’t so afraid of feeling afraid. He started to believe that he could handle his stress. And he started to rely on the others, even if it felt awkward sometimes. He had long talks into the night with his dad, Connie, and of course; the Gems.
All the same, Steven felt as aimless as he had before. What did he actually want to do with his life? Talking to Connie about her experiences in college, living away from home, he suddenly realized how little of the world he’d seen.
Maybe he could find the key to a brighter future if he left Beach City. At the very least, it would be something new.
It wasn’t much of a plan, but it was a start.