Archive of Our Own ^beta

Three words I'm too afraid of ever saying again

At the beginning of term, Maya had been rather skeptical about the whole college thing. 

The blonde was so happy to be finally done with school since she never really liked to study and to sit in class all day. The only thing she had enjoyed was the art class, but it took place on Fridays, so she had to wait the whole week for her favorite subject.

The school was, at least to Maya, boring and repetitive. Surprisingly, she found that college wasn't really like middle and high school; the classes occurred to so many different times throughout the whole day that she, for the first time in her life, didn't mind looking at her schedule; most stuff she learned in class was shown online, so she only had to bring her notebook to take notes. Maya, of course, also brought her sketchbook and a few pencils, so she could draw during breaks and lunch. 

Maya didn't want to go to college at first. She just wanted to put the school behind her and start something new, but quickly realized that she had no clue as to what she should do with herself. Then there was also her best friend and partner in crime, Riley Matthews, who had pouted as long as it took to convince Maya to change her mind and to attend college together with Riley. The brunette wanted to continue sitting with her best friend for life in class and to spend their lunch breaks together on campus with coffee mugs in one hand and a small overpriced sandwich in the other, to share a dorm room where they could do movie nights and study and party together. Riley had rambled so much that Maya quickly interrupted her before the brunette would lose her breath entirely. 

That had been a long game night with the Matthews.

And that's how Maya found herself sitting in the library with different books about poetry, portraits, and history scattered on the wooden table, right next to her open notebook and her sketchbook. Everything she owned was crowded with cute stickers she drew herself at nights when she couldn't get down from her caffeine rush after finishing assigned essays or finally being happy with a sketch she put hours into. 

That was also something new in Maya's life; she made her homework. 

Riley was rather proud of her for finally taking her studies seriously and doing something for class, though Maya always insisted that it was just because the topics were interesting for her since all her classes were related to art in some way or another.

The blonde chose a secluded area for her work, so she could study in peace without getting disturbed by other students constantly walking by to get to a certain bookshelf or to talk to her. Maya got to know quite a lot of people her age since she got here, mostly people from class, but also because Riley was constantly spending time with as many people as possible. She chuckled briefly at the thought of her favorite brunette stressing out because she had, apparently, made too many plans with other people and now had no time at all for other things. 

She would never admit it, but Maya had grown to love NYU. 

The blonde thought about all the things she admired about college while searching for a certain book she needed for her research. Maya walked down the different aisles, getting a little lost in-between the bookshelves so high that they reached the roof and left no room to see the rest of the library. Sighing in frustration, Maya made a turn to her left and walked down another aisle, her eyes making quick work to catch all the names. 

Three words I'm too afraid of ever saying again. 

"Finally," she muttered under her breath as she reached for the book just above her head. With only a little struggle she got the poetry safely out of the shelf and started to turn back towards her table as hushed voices appeared behind another bookshelf.

It was a whisper but she could always identify his voice, having heard it so many times in the living room of her best friend before.

The blonde took a few steps to where the voices came from and slowly walked over. Soon the back of his head, covered in brown, soft hair made its way into her line of vision and her breath got caught somewhere in her lungs. 

Since Maya started at NYU three months ago, she had seen him almost every day. Most of his classes took place in the same building as hers and they greeted each other whenever they saw one another. He was still at the Matthews' apartment whenever she and Riley were visiting at their free weekends; he bought his coffee at the same place as Maya did; her favorite places to study or to draw were, ironically, right across from his'. It seemed like they had the same study schedule for themselves because they almost always saw each other on their way to one of their study places. 

But they never really talked. 

"Just go and talk to him," Riley had told her with a small, careless shrug before grabbing the bag of potato chips from the table. "It's not like someone would stop you, Peaches. I certainly wouldn't and I don't see anyone else who would, honestly," she huffed with a roll of her eyes like she always did when they talked about her uncle, which happened quite a lot since the blonde had to face him almost every single day.

Maya would, as usual, laugh at her best friend's answer and say, "And then, what? What would I even say to him?" she would start to talk in a funny voice, too,  "Hey, Josh! How are you? I know, I haven't talked to you since, well, oh, almost three months, probably even more but I'm kind of in love with you and just wanted to know if you feel the same. It's totally cool if you don't, like, I get it. How about we grab some coffee and catch up, you know, like the good old times when I was being kind of creepy and didn't want to leave you alone and just jumped onto your back because I was scared you'd leave me for some dumb, tall witch at college?!"

The brunette couldn't stop laughing afterward, not even when the blonde threw a pillow right into her face and continued hitting her with it for at least five minutes. In the end, Maya would laugh, too, and Riley would start a pillow fight as soon as she caught her breath again.

Josh was talking to one of his friends, at least Maya assumed that because she saw them speaking with each other a lot during breaks on campus. She didn't know his name or anything but he looked like a nice guy nevertheless. 

Since they were in the library they were whispering to each other, making it impossible for Maya to understand any of their words. With one hand she let go of the book currently in her hands and leaned against the huge bookshelf filled with knowledge about the greatest poetry of all time. With a soft thud, she let her head fall against the edge of the shelf and just admired Josh from afar, more like Josh's back. 

It was just like all these other times when she would see him first; she always took a step back and hid herself to just watch him awhile. Okay, maybe there was still some creepiness underneath her huge crush towards Joshua, but she definitely grew out of her embarrassing habits out of her early teenage years, thank goodness. 

More and more she leaned against the bookshelf and lost herself in memories with one Joshua Matthews, completely forgetting who and where she was. 

"Boing!" she had always yelled as soon as he walked into her sight, completely ignoring the way people around her began to stare; strangers or familiar faces, looks of admiration or disgust, she didn't care. 

---

"Did you get taller, Cupcake?" he always asked in a way of greeting when he saw her first at various parties at the Matthews. The blonde, who had a retort for everything in seconds, was always struck into speechlessness. She damned the cute nickname he gave her for the display of hopelessly crushing on someone she gave him afterward.

---

Age seventeen; before Topanga's birthday party

"Josh brought his girlfriend," Riley once told Maya as she had walked back into her room where the blonde was sitting on the bed, making some last fixes on her hair. The moment she registered the words her best friend said her hands and brain stopped working altogether since she heard that Josh would attend Topanga's birthday party as well a few hours earlier. 

Maya was still, frozen in time, and didn't even notice her best friend sitting down next to her, gently pulling her into a hug without destroying the hard work her friend had put into her hair. 

"He has been seeing this girl for a month now and thought she should get to know his family," Riley had whispered with that soft voice of hers. "I think she's from his college."

"I don't care," Maya had said, letting her voice sound way stronger than she felt on the inside. Confused, Riley pulled back and stared at her friend with a shocked yet concerned facial expression. Could she tell her friend was lying? Was it written into Maya's eyes how betrayed she felt just then?

"You... don't?" Maya shook her head a few times as if she was trying to convince herself as well. 

"It's not like I have any right to be upset, do I?" She turned back to the mirror and started pulling at a few wisps of her hair again. 

"Maya," Riley softly said her name like she had so many times before. "You have every right to be upset about this." Maya then looked at her friend with a cold stare in her eyes, letting the blue in them turn into ice. 

"I don't, Riley," she had whispered. "I really don't."

---

Age eighteen; graduation

"You look stunning," she had heard his footsteps from behind before his voice echoed off the walls and through the empty hallway.

"Thanks, Josh," Maya had said quietly, avoiding his piercing gaze at any cost. Mentally she cursed those damn blue eyes of his, always just begging to be looked at and getting lost in. 

"I'm not 'Boing' anymore?" his question rang through her ears and had stayed in her mind, even long after this moment had passed. It was a certain kind of hurt and uncertainty masked with humor to hide the truth of his feelings, his real feelings. 

Maya couldn't bring herself to ignore the way her heart beat faster at being so close to him; the way her inner self still rejoiced at being the center of his attention. He was giving her the usual Joshua Matthews smile, but, unlike everybody else, she had always been able to see right through the game he was playing when he didn't know how to act on his emotions, which happened quite often, she noticed. 

"Of Course you are still Boing," she had answered, giving a small smile and feeling shy all of the sudden. The way his eyes gazed right into hers, how it looked like he was trying to memorize every inch of her face, afraid of never being able to see her again. It seemed to her like he was bracing himself for a rejection he was sure she would give him. 

And maybe she should have. 

Maybe she should have rejected him right there and then. 

Maybe she should have put an end to this confusing and exhausting relationship she had built with him over the years since she first met him. This chaotic connection they shared constantly tugged at her heart and ripped out a piece whenever it felt like it, only putting it back into its place when something shifted between the two of them. 

It was like a constant heartbreak, slow and painful, but it would only break so often. Once in a while a piece would get lost or attached to it. A take and give of some sort. 

"You'll always be my Boing."

Whenever they met, Joshua Matthews took a piece of Maya Hunter's heart with him and exchanged it with a piece of his own.

Boom.

A sudden noise broke Maya out of her thoughts and had her jumping away from the bookshelf like it caught fire and burned her. Wide-eyed she stared down at the floor and saw the book she took from the shelf a few minutes ago lying on the floor, a random page had flipped itself open. 

Slowly, her eyes traveled up until she saw Josh, staring at the book with confusion written all over his face. His friend had stopped talking and stared at the book as well, sending Josh a questioning look afterward.

Due to her panic, Maya had jumped behind the shelf and was out of sight, but she could still see them and the book. She heard Josh whispering something to his friend and heard soft footsteps fading into the distance with every passing second. Her heart was pounding into her ears and it felt like her lungs were on fire with every single breath she didn't take, too afraid of being caught staring at him from afar. 

He made his way to the book and picked it up carefully, looking at the page and reading out loud:

Pull me in
Just to throw me out again
A place where we've already been
Our story; I don't even know where to begin

Just going around and around
Without making any sound

So quiet while destroying each other
Trying to be civil, why do we even bother?

It's always the same
We will never change
Such a tired game 
That will never end

I push you away
So you can get me back
Then you push me away
So I don't get you out of my head

Let me hear it one more time
It doesn't have to be true 
But right now I don't care
Just need a little love to share

Josh could probably hear Maya's heart beating a mile away at the sound of his voice speaking the words of a poem she had yet to read herself. She stood still and listened as he softly closed the book with one hand, walking forward and leaning against the bookshelf with the other just like she had done earlier. 

"Cupcake," Josh greeted her with a grin. "I knew it was you," he said, letting a few seconds pass by in absolute silence. He used these few seconds to observe the blonde in front of him; wearing her favorite pair of blue ripped jeans along with a grey sweater and sneakers. Her blonde waves were pulled into a bun, a few strands of hair escaping like they always did, no matter how hard she tried to pin them to her head. "I always notice when you're watching me." At that, Maya raised an eyebrow at him, ignoring her racing heart for the first time since probably ever. 

"You say that like it's an everyday occurrence I'm staring at you," she retorts with a small smile herself. 

"It isn't?" God, did she miss talking to him. "Could have fooled me," he said, his grin getting bigger. The blonde felt her genuine smile morph into a grin as well, though it faltered a little as he held out the book for her to grab. "I believe this is yours," he offered. The blonde nodded a little, though it was such a small gesture that he could've missed it.

"It is, thank you," she mumbled while taking a deep, much-needed breath through her nose, hesitantly reaching out for the book in his hand. Briefly, their fingers touched at the spine of the book and Maya thought that he held onto the book a little longer than necessary on purpose, but she couldn't be sure. 

"So," he nodded once. 

"So," she nodded as well. "It was nice seeing you, Josh. See ya around!" she quickly pushed the words out of her mouth before turning around rather fast, feeling slightly dizzy. 

"Maya!" he called for her, loud enough for her to hear him yet quiet enough to not disturb anyone in the library. The blonde stopped but had been too scared to turn around. She heard his deep sigh, though she didn't know if it was because of frustration she didn't turn around or relief that she stopped at all and didn't walk away. "I just..." 

His voice faltered a little and faded away in-between the many books filling the huge shelves surrounding them, telling a story long enough to be its own book but not quite enough content to create as many chapters as they would like. 

"Yes, Boing?" she turned around and met his nervous gaze. At the use of his nickname she had for him since the beginning of whatever this was, she saw his eyes flash briefly. A little light igniting at finding out that, after all this time, she still felt the same about him. Josh's laugh was more like letting go of a breath he had been holding in but she still chuckled at his nervousness that would probably never change. 

"I just wanted to know if you'd like to go and grab a coffee with me? If you're free?" he asked with a smile, trying once again to hide his fear of being rejected. The blonde let out a quiet, high-pitched giggle and took a few steps forward until she stood right in front of him. 

Josh was taller than her but she still threw her arms around his waist and hugged him tightly, surprising him a little. Her face was nuzzled into his chest and soon she felt his arms around her, holding her against himself and resting his chin on her head.

"Is this a yes?" he whispered into her hair. Josh felt her head as it moved against his chest, nodding eagerly. 

"Of course it is," Maya answered with her muffled voice, feeling the laughter as it shook his whole body. 

And right at that moment, Maya had decided it was a good thing she let Riley convince her to attend college. 

'Told you so!' she could already hear the voice of her best friend yelling with pure delight. 

Maya quickly checked out the book she needed for her research and packed away her things, Josh had insisted on helping her though she quickly swatted his hands away with a smile on her face. After she finished, he grabbed her hand and intertwined their fingers while taking her bag out of her other hand. Maya pouted a little and was about to protest when Josh sent her a glare that left absolutely no room for arguing.  With a roll of her eyes, the blonde accepted the nice gesture and together they left the library, smiling from ear to ear and ready to get some coffee. 

College couldn't get any better.