Chapter Text
‘Ever since I was born, I have always felt there was something missing from me. I am as devoted, as pious as the rest of them; Sisters Rin and Miku adore me, admire me. What, then, might I still be missing...?’
Every night was the same way. Cool water dripped down Luka’s neck in the darkness as she washed her face, gazing at her own reflection in the mirror; it seemed the windows to one’s soul were locked for her, then, because the image that blinked back at her told her nothing at all. Except that, perhaps, she needed to go to bed.
First, however - her visit to Rin. The girl had been having a truly awful time; though she said nothing, Luka had long suspected that her presence in their nunnery was the responsibility of her parents. It was only the Reverend Mother’s favour that allowed Luka to visit her at this time at all, though it had become a habit for both of them. When she pushed the door open, there she was - facing the window, with her blanket pulled up to her eyes as always.
“Luka...! I thought you were never going to come...!”
“This is the same time as always, Sister. Please don’t worry.” She saw the sparkle in Rin’s eyes as she said that, kneeling at her bedside - the plain cloth rug on the floor was just enough to shield her from the draft.
“Right! Sister Luka.. I always forget,” she said sheepishly, looking chastised and averting her eyes. Even though her voice was chipper - perhaps even too loud - the girl couldn’t hide the tension in her face. It almost looked as if tears threatened to break through her expression at any moment, and she pulled the blanket up again, as if in self defence. “Sister Luka...”
“Are you alright?”
“Well...” Rin’s voice reduced to a whisper, and Luka’s pale eyebrows knitted with worry as she watched the yellow-haired little girl well up with the tears she had kept inside. “... I miss my brother! He’s getting married and I got sent here... I know that... it’s intended for my own good, but I can hardly bear it!”
“Ah...”
Seeing her face, it was difficult not to let her heart simply break in two; how should anyone expect this girl to become devoted if she was carrying so much pain? Luka reached out, and Rin faced her; she cupped her small cheeks, still round and soft from where her childhood had not yet faded, and wiped her tears away with her thumbs. The words stuck in her throat. She had no idea what she could tell her; she had never felt such a loss. “Don’t cry, don’t cry,” she cooed, giving her a gentle smile. “It must be terrible to miss him so - why don’t you tell me about him? Think of the happiest memory you have, and I’m sure he will visit you in your dreams.”
“I’m so silly, missing him like this...” Rin said, downcast, holding Luka’s wrist. Her hands were so tiny that it was difficult to think of her as anything except a baby. “Do you want to hear it...? Shouldn’t you be going to bed now...?”
“It isn’t silly at all. I insist you tell me.” Luka let her go and handed her a handkerchief, allowing her to wipe her eyes. Propping herself up, some of Rin’s previous cheer seemed to return, a thoughtful look coming over her features.
“I don’t know which one’s the happiest, but... I wasn’t very good at playing at skipping, by myself, because turning the rope was hard,” she said, and Luka nodded. “But he helped me! Len fetched Oliver and they turned the rope for me while I jumped, and eventually I even learned to do the double dutch!”
“That’s impressive! It sounds like he loves you dearly,” the older woman said, and gently tucked Rin’s hair behind her ear with a light, comforting touch. “No matter how far apart you are, your memories of each other will always live in you, alright? I’m certain he feels the same way; besides,” she continued, with a light smile as she stood finally. “We nuns aren’t captives, though it may feel that way... I am sure you will see him again. Please don’t worry.”
Rin beamed at the prospect, burying herself into the bed as if preparing; this was Luka’s final duty towards her. She pulled up the blanket to Rin’s shoulders, tucking her in, and lightly fluffed her pillows. “You are only new here, don’t be so strict with yourself. It isn’t a sin to feel the way you do, it is only important you don’t allow it to consume you.”
“Sister Luka is so wise,” she said, with a yawn, and closed her eyes. “But she has to sleep too! Goodnight...”
“Have good dreams. Your brother will be with you.” Luka whispered, on her way out of the door. It barely made a sound as she closed it, and she yawned herself, infected by Rin’s tiredness it seemed.
Yes, it was true - everyone adored her. Rin, their newest arrival, troubled with the want to return to her former life with her brother; Miku, a prodigy with an angel’s voice; Haku, the girl who barely spoke to anyone except her garden vegetables; even Reverend Mother Miriam, who favoured her for her skills and zealous love during the day. Yet, even though she should be fulfilled here, in the life she had chosen and carved out for herself so intricately, the heavy feeling of an emptiness still weighed on her shoulders as she stepped silently down the hall, back to her own room.
She stepped up to the sink again, feeling the cool air on her wet skin; it did nothing to soothe the way she felt, and she let her hair loose before stepping into bed. The Reverend Mother’s face crossed her mind, and she scrunched her nose; perhaps it would be a good idea to speak with her in the morning, to seek her guidance on the matter. As she sank into her covers, Luka let out a heavy sigh; though she comforted herself with the image of sinking into Miriam’s embrace, hearing her warm reassurance, she knew that she could receive nothing as calming. She had thought that faith would make her whole, but every fibre of her being cried out for something more than that.
Such still silence made her think of the life she had left behind, though she couldn’t stop thinking of Miriam’s face, cold as steel from underneath her habit, but softer somehow whenever she met her eyes. Luka thought of her long, grey eyelashes, her mind’s eye trailing to the downward turned corners of her oft-pursed lips. For a moment, she almost dared to imagine what Miriam’s neck may look like, or the hair she shielded from the world. It was a sin to make other women jealous in such a way... and it was doubt that woke the young nun from her reverie at last. These thoughts... she must speak to her when the morning finally came. The feeling of oppression that came with the darkness made her heart race, and she turned into her own, somewhat scratchy, covers.
It felt so much like she was being punished. It didn’t matter how many tapestries she helped mend, nor how many hymns she sang, or how kind she was to her fellow sisters. The gaping emptiness was growing too much to bear, and she clutched her chest. In her desperation, she thought of Miriam again, and her silver eyelashes, and her pretty hands with plain nails that would take her own as she shared her wisdom in the morning. She thought of how troubled Rin was to leave her former life, and how she needed kind guidance; they were the same, though Luka ached for something much different.
Facing the ceiling once more, she clasped her hands together, squeezing her eyes closed. “Please, give me the strength to find what I lack... fill me with that which I am missing so desperately...”
The troubled expression on her face never left her as she finally relaxed, forbidding herself from imagining Miriam anymore. She welcomed what peace she could, in her strangely cold sleeping quarters. As her breathing slowed and her heart calmed, resting at last, a comforting, yet unexplained sensation came over her; it felt as though she was being held, and it finally allowed her her to drift off into a light slumber. Something as simple as that... it quelled that feeling of emptiness for even a moment, and that was all she needed.