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Tonight, Chani wonders if it's written all over his face.
He's doing his best to not make it obvious that he's staring, but somehow Hwiyoung is always prettier than the last time they met.
Maybe that's what reconnecting with your childhood friend does to you – you remember them in their awkward, early years, and then they take you by surprise more than a decade later and snatch up your heart without a moment for you to stop it all from happening.
It doesn't help that it feels like they're on a date with just the two of them having dinner. There's something about the warm atmosphere, sitting across from each other and being comfortable to talk about anything and everything that comes to mind.
Hwiyoung looks very carefully at the stone grill, surveying each piece of meat and poking them with the tongs he wields in his right hand. Finally, he lands on the beef brisket, announcing, "This one is the best."
"Yeah?" Chani murmurs.
"You're not falling asleep now, are you?" Hwiyoung asks, dropping a piece that lands neatly on top of Chani's plate.
It's a caring gesture. His heart flutters slightly. He shakes his head.
"You're like a dad right now," Chani comments lightheartedly, which earns a laugh from Hwiyoung. Picking up the meat up with his chopsticks, he continues, "There's no way I'd fall asleep now. Anywhere you feel like going after this?"
Hwiyoung is thoughtful for a moment. "Could go for some ice cream. The place next door is pretty expensive though."
"Supermarket?"
It's where they find themselves after a fierce battle over who gets to pay - one he wins, but at the cost of deciding to split in the future.
"Is there anything you wanted to buy?"
They wander up and down each aisle, passing shelves stocked with instant noodles, dried foods and condiments. He resists the urge to catch Hwiyoung's empty hand with his own, shoving them deep into the pockets of his hoodies.
"Not really. You?"
"Same."
It's almost eerily quiet. They're the only ones in the store, other than the few workers on the night shift chatting amongst themselves. A quick look at his phone tells Chani the place is meant to be closing in half an hour.
"Those look like forbidden mints," Chani says, pointing to a packet of white balls.
Hwiyoung snickers, "You can bring back the tide pod challenge."
The two of them end up walking around in a loop and have yet to turn up with anything interesting. Just as they take a few steps out of the store, Hwiyoung suddenly stops and turns to face him.
"I just remembered the reason why we came here was for ice cream."
"Go look! I'll follow you."
The way Hwiyoung smiles makes Chani wish he was the reason for it everyday. He makes a beeline towards the freezer, and as Chani stands beside him, their shoulders brush.
It's too easy to forget that this is not a date, that Chani has no chance with Hwiyoung. His chest feels tight, as he remembers.
It feels unfair somehow, that he has to pine for things he's never, but could've had, if only the circumstances were different.
Maybe if Hwiyoung was single, or they'd reconnected much earlier, or maybe if they'd never lost contact in the first place. Then he wouldn't have to hang back on these feelings and Hwiyoung could've been his.
Loving Hwiyoung hurts more than Chani ever thought it could.
"I want this one!" Hwiyoung exclaims excitedly, picking up a red bean Samanco.
Chani follows suit, then holds his hand out to collect Hwiyoung's ice cream and takes it to the counter to pay.
He listens to Hwiyoung enthuse about how cute the fish design is before bemoaning that he's opened it the wrong way, tail side up. He laughs when he brandishes his own opened the correct way, with the head facing up.
The drive to Hwiyoung's house is barely five minutes long, but he wishes he could stretch the time.
"Thank you for taking me out today and bringing me home!"
Hwiyoung waves goodbye from the front of his house, and Chani watches until he goes in.
