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“I swear to god, Steve! When are you going to stop getting into fights that you can’t win?” He doesn’t answer me, leaving us in silence. “Steve?” He still doesn’t respond, just turns around, facing the opposite wall of our shared bedroom, refusing to look at me.
We’ve been fighting for a little while. Mostly consisting of me yelling at him for being so careless about his safety.
He flinches when I place my hand on his shoulder, starts quivering slightly and my stomach drops slightly. “I’m sorry, Buck. He just looked scared, and those guys didn’t care. I couldn’t just leave him alone.” I don’t know why I even bothered asking, Stevie’s never gonna stop, no matter how much I want him to. He’s too good. I don’t think there will ever be a day when he puts himself before other people. But I’ll try anyway, try to convince him to be more careful. I’ll try even though I know it won’t work. I’ll try because I can’t lose him.
“You always end up hurt and bleeding, Stevie. When are you going to admit to yourself that you aren’t invincible?” I wrap my arms around him, pulling his body against mine.
“I know that.”
“I’m not sure you do.” We’re quiet for a few minutes before I break the silence. “And I need you to finally admit it to yourself soon, because it can’t be when you finally break.”
That seems to make him mad and he pulls out of my arms, turning to face me. “I’m not made of glass Bucky, I’m not gonna break.” His voice isn’t quite harsh, but getting there.
I don’t want us to keep fighting, granted, I started the fight, but I just need him to realize that he isn’t a superhero. He’s only human, and like everyone else, he has limits. “I never said you were made of glass, but you need to stop thinking you’re made of iron.” He visibly deflates, his shoulders slumping and eyes dropping away from my face, gaze turning to the floor.
When he speaks, there’s an obvious crack in his voice, “I know that, but why do I have to be so weak?” Not for the first time does my heart break a little more for this boy who means everything to me.
“You’re not weak Steve, you’re human.” I move towards him and pull him into a hug once again, moving us to lay on the bed, wrapped in each other’s silence.
We stay like that for a minute, then a minute more, and another and another, and another.
- - -
It was just a dream, it was just a dream, you don’t actually want that, Bucky. I tell myself this over and over again, but I can’t seem to get that damned picture out of my mind.
He’s your best friend, you shouldn’t want him like that, you don’t, you can’t.
It was just a dream, a dream in which Steve kissed me, a dream in which I kissed him back, a dream in which we went way farther just kissing.
There’s no way I want him like that, sure I love him, but he’s my best friend, I love him in that way only. Not like that. Please don’t be like that. Please.
Who the hell am I kidding, I love him, in a not so platonic way. I can’t tell him, can’t tell anyone. He would hate me if he found out.
No he wouldn’t, I know that, Steve would never hate me. I don’t think there’s anything I can do that would make him leave me. But that doesn’t mean that I can tell him. There’s absolutely no way he wants me like that, he can’t.
I know he loves me, he’s told me a million times, but he loves me in the way brothers love each other, not in the way I love him.
So I’ll keep my feelings, that I’ve just now put name to, a secret.
- - -
“Steve?” I call as I walk into our apartment, I’m met only with silence, “Stevie?” I call again drawing his name out.
“I’m in our bedroom Buck,” I drop my bag and speed to where Steve is. I’m probably smiling like an idiot but I couldn’t care less. It was a long, hard day at the docks and all I want is to lay in bed and hold Steve, my Stevie. Even though he isn’t really mine, not in the way I want the most, he probably never will be, I can still keep him close to me, keep all of him that I can get and keep him safe.
It’s been a few months since I realized just how deep my love for him went and I’ve managed to keep it secret from him, I’ve nearly cracked so many times but always got my words back under control before they made their way past my lips.
He yelps lightly as I jump onto the bed that we share, landing beside him, reaching out and trapping him in my arms. “Hiya, Stevie.”
He laughs softly, letting out the prettiest sound in the universe, “Hey, Buck.” There’s a fluttering in my stomach when his arms wrap around my waist, it’s a familiar feeling, both the one on my waist and one in my stomach. “How was work?”
A sigh makes its way past my lips, “It was ok, kinda cold, the rain definitely didn’t help. What about you? How’s that project for Mrs. Phillips going?”
“Pretty good, just need to let it dry before adding some finishing touches. I should be ready to give it to her tomorrow.” the feeling in my stomach gets even worse when he buries his face in my neck, his breath warm against my skin. “Will you come with me to drop it off?”
I tighten my grip on his waist, “I’ll go anywhere with you Steve.”
“Thanks Buck.” We lay there in comfortable silence, with practically no space between our bodies. I want to kiss him, but I don’t, I don’t move, don’t disturb the peaceful quiet we have, but I also don’t stop my mind from wandering.
It’s a while later when there’s a slight pressure on my neck that feels almost like lips. “I love you Buck.” It’s not even close to the first time he’s said those words but it still feels like it is everytime.
I want to tell him that I love him more than words express, that he’s the reason that the world has light, that the world has happiness and that he’s the reason that the world still has good in it. I want to tell him that I love him more than I’ve ever loved anything, that I love him more than I even knew possible, that I love him in a way that is different than anything I’ve ever experienced. And everytime he says that he loves me I nearly tell him, but I can’t, because he doesn’t love me in that way. “I love you too Stevie.”
He shakes his head against my neck, “No, Buck, you don’t get it, I love you, not in the way you think.” Don’t get your hopes up Barnes, it won’t end well, you’ll just get your heart broken, again.
“What do you mean?” He takes a deep breath before pulling back, just far enough that he can look me in the eyes.
“I mean that I love you, not in a brotherly way or even just in a friendly way.” His eyes close as he pauses for a second, “I love you in a way that means I never want to leave you, I never want to lose you, I love you in a way I’ve never loved anyone or anything else before.” I want to respond, with what, I don’t know but I need to say something, but none of the thousand words running through my mind make it past my lips. His face collapses in a way that I haven’t seen since his parents died, I want to say something, anything, to get that look off of his face, but I can’t, no matter how hard I try no sound comes from my mouth. H
He untangles our limbs and gets up off the bed and moves toward the door. My words may be failing me but thank god my body isn’t. Within seconds I’m beside him, grabbing his arm to spin him around and pulling our faces together, connecting them at our lips, kissing him like my life depends on it.
He freezes and for a second I’m terrified I’ve misjudged this but his hesitation doesn’t last very long. Kissing Steve is everything I dreamt it would be and more, it doesn’t take long before the sweet, innocent kiss becomes an open mouthed and intense show of pent up love. My world has narrowed down to his lips on mine, the whispered ‘I love yous’ in between kisses, our tongues dancing and hands clinging to each other as we make our way toward the bed, laying down again, but this time to do something much different than before.
- - -
It’s only been a week since Steve and I first kissed and our lips have barely spent any time apart. I wouldn’t have it any other way, I’ve loved him for so long, I may not have known in what way until a few months ago but that doesn’t mean I didn’t love him until then. Every night ends with us as a tangle of limbs and lips, with whispered proclamations of love and adoration. With us falling asleep in each other's arms and faces buried in each other’s skin.
And though we both know that it’ll be risky, hiding what we have with each other from those who wouldn’t hesitate to throw us in jail, we also know it’ll be worth it, because we love each other, more than anything else in this world.
I know all the risks will be worth it to finally get to love him in the way I’ve always wanted to. Everything will be worth it to finally have Steve for my own, to finally have him be my Stevie.