Chapter Text
When Andy asks him to kneel, right in front of the masses of screaming fans and their hysterical love, and in front of all the rest of his members, who are sweaty and worn out and high on the adrenaline rushing through their veins, Dongwan hesitates for the barest second. He knows that Andy is joking around for the crowd, playing up the situation and reminding the crowd just how much of an idiot his Dongwan hyung can be. But there’s that glint in his eye that tells Dongwan that Andy is being half-serious, that it’s a private challenge between the two of them, despite everything else.
Dongwan finds it hard to think of a reason why he wouldn’t accept. He’s not even sure what to call their frantic, frustratingly beautiful encounters captured in stolen moments whenever they find themselves drunk and alone at the end of a stressful recording session, or when he stumbles into Andy’s apartment in the dead of night, needing something more that he knows the others won’t be able to provide. They don’t even talk when it happens. Instead, they swap words for soft moans and gasps and desperate kisses. Dongwan knows how dangerous this all is, and he is careful never to leave any marks on Andy’s skin that would be easily noticed. For his part, Andy makes sure that Dongwan always leaves almost immediately after they have both fallen to the bed, sweaty and sated.
Just once, Dongwan asked Andy what he thought of the possibility of telling the others about their relationship. It had been a sunny Saturday afternoon in late spring, when the air was warm with the promise of summer. The sunshine picked out the light brown highlights in Andy’s hair as he curled himself around Dongwan, happy to lay with him a moment longer since there were no pressing schedules for either of them.
“Why risk it?” Andy asked, winding his fingers around Dongwan’s. “Can you imagine what they would say?”
Dongwan thought he understood what Andy meant at the time, but now, in the middle of this packed arena, with the screams of the fans in his ears, he can feel his heart pounding. What if he did get down on his knees, right here? Already he can feel his face burning from the embarrassment. To kneel in front of his dongsaeng would be to break protocol. To risk the discovery of their secret by others. To humiliate himself on this most visible of stages. What is Andy asking of him?
The problem here is that Dongwan finds himself wanting to do it anyway. To go against protocol and make people talk. It’s frightening. This is his whole life, this is all he’s ever known. Andy is daring him now, with that same steeliness he never shows onstage, but which has allowed him to build up his own successful agency. The thrill of doing this for him, embarrassing himself for his lover is intoxicating, obliterating any other reasonable voice in his head. Dongwan’s fear of disgracing himself wars futilely with his desire to make Andy proud of him.
Time seems to slow down to a slow, dreamlike trickle. Dongwan risks another glance in Andy’s direction. There’s a question in Andy’s eyes that Dongwan is not sure he understands, but he finds himself bending his knees anyway. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Choongjae wiping away Minwoo’s sweat with a piece of tissue paper and Eric gaping when he thinks the cameras aren’t watching. But he gets down on his knees to the roar of the crowd, looks up at Andy. Everyone is looking at him now. He can feel the burning shame of it all, the questions from the group. Somewhere behind him, Pilkyo is probably mouthing obscenities. But Dongwan smiles like this is all one big joke to him and gazes steadily at Andy.
This is what I will do for you. Everything that I am — all my dignity is yours.
“Stay there,” Andy says, a small smile curving his lips. He reaches out for Dongwan’s hand and their fingers interlock immediately.
It’s the most private of messages, shared underneath the glare of the lights, and Andy’s smile warms Dongwan from the inside out.