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“Where are we going?” Bucky asks as Steve opens the car door for him. Steve had dragged him out of the house in a hurry, saying they were going for a drive.
“It’s a surprise.” Steve says, looking smug. Steve had seemed jittery all day, unable to sit still. When Bucky asked what was up, Steve shut him down every time with some half assed excuse.
“I don’t like surprises.” Bucky states. He likes being in control, surprises leave him with no control.
“You’ll like this one.” Steve says earnestly, kissing Bucky on the cheek before closing his car door, circling the car, and getting in on the driver’s side.
“Doubt it.” Bucky mutters, sinking down in his seat. Despite being uncomfortable, he is so curious about what Steve is surprising him with but showing Steve that is unacceptable.
“I promise you’ll love it.” Steve says earnestly as they pull out of the driveway.
“How do you know that?”
“I just do.”
“That’s no answer.” Bucky is just teasing Steve at this point, knowing there’s no way out of the surprise.
“I know you’ll love it because I know you.” Steve looks over at him as they stop at a traffic light. “Because I love you and I want to share this with you.”
“That’s so fucking sappy.”
“You love it.” Steve says softly.
“Hmm.” Bucky melts further into his seat, cheeks heating up. He always feels the need to point out how sappy Steve is, but secretly he loves it. He looks out the window, trying to figure out where Steve is taking him. As they drive further, he recognizes the road to Brooklyn. Why would Steve be taking him to Brooklyn?
His question is answered as they pull up in front of an old apartment building. The paint is chipped and faded, exposed brick peeking through where the paint has peeled off. There is something familiar about it though.
If he imagines it freshly painted in a bright, ugly yellow color it kind of looks like his old home. The windows have the same framing, the front door looks like the one in his memories.
“Is this…?” He trails off.
Steve gets out of the car and comes around to open the door for Bucky, such a gentleman. “This is our old home.” He says with a huge smile.
“Our old, old, old home?” Bucky asks disbelievingly. The apartment Bucky moved into with Steve when Steve’s mom died more than eighty years ago.
“Don’t you recognize it?” Steve smiles at him, sliding an arm around Bucky’s shoulders, pulling him closer.
“But how is it still here?” Bucky asks no one in particular. This place was so run down back then, he never expected it to still be here, let alone to still be an apartment building.
“I have no idea.” They stay in silence for a moment, admiring the building. “Wanna go in?”
Bucky nods eagerly, looking at Steve with wide eyes.
The front door somehow creaks the same way that Bucky remembers, and the halls smell the same. It fills him with happy memories, warming his chest.
“Remember when I had to drag you up the stairs when you got a bad concussion that one time?” Bucky asks as the memory fills his brain. Steve had been beaten up in another alley, hitting his head hard on the brick wall. It had bled so much Bucky was scared for Steve’s life.
“And I got blood all over the stairs.” Steve remembers along with him. He had dripped blood everywhere, leaving a red trail all the way from the alley to their bed.
“I had to clean up the blood in three flights of stairs after putting you to bed.” Steve blushes as Bucky says that. Bucky didn’t mind it. After cleaning Steve’s wound and seeing how small it was, he was so relieved he felt dizzy. There was no way they could have afforded going to the hospital.
“You woke me up every couple of hours to make sure I was okay.”
“You were so whiny.” Bucky laughs at the memory.
“Was not.” Steve argues, embarrassed.
They walk up the stairs together. Bucky smiles at how easy it is for Steve now. He used to have to stop and catch his breath at least twice, now he doesn’t even break a sweat. Bucky would carry him up the stairs when no one could see them to relieve Steve of the struggle.
The walls are painted white, unlike the gray-beige he remembers, the old wooden banister switched out with a newer metal one. It makes a clunky hollow sound as he slides his metal hand along it.
“At least they changed the lettering.” Steve comments when they reach their old door. There is a big metal ‘D’ nailed to the door, the tenants name printed on a sign underneath it. Theirs had chipped white paint and rust along the edges. It would be very trendy now, but back then it was just another reminder of all the things they couldn’t afford.
“You’re right.” Bucky says, kissing Steve deeply to show his gratitude.
“About what?”
“I really love this.” Bucky says earnestly. He had no idea how much he needed this connection to his past.
“We haven’t even gone inside yet.” Steve says. He has to hold back a laugh at Bucky’s shocked face.
“What?” Bucky is confused. Surely the tenants wouldn’t just give up the key for a couple hours for two huge men to be in their home alone.
“We have an hour.” Steve smiles as he bends down, retrieving a key from under the doormat. How creative, Bucky thinks.
“Really?” Bucky asks, not sure if this is real. He is suddenly nervous, scared that seeing how their home looks now will deepen the disconnect he has to his past.
“Unless you don’t want to?” Steve suddenly looks unsure.
“No, I want to!” Bucky reassures him. “It’s just a lot.”
“Yeah, I know.” Steve says, clearly feeling as overwhelmed as Bucky does.
The place looks the same as when they lived there, but different. Bucky half expects to see their worn-out furniture and home-made picture frames when he walks through the apartment. Instead, he is met with modern furniture that looks new, and pictures of strangers.
Still, the layout is the same, and memories start popping up when he moves his eyes around the room.
“Remember when we would pull out the couch cushions and sleep on the floor?” Bucky says in the direction of the light grey couch in their old living-room. It’s so easy to imagine the small green couch they had in the middle of the room.
“We would always wake up on top of each other.” Steve says, voice full of love. Bucky smiles at the memory of waking up in Steve’s arms. They would stay like that until Sarah came in and they would scramble to pull apart, pretending it never happened. If Bucky closes his eyes, he can feel Steve’s small body pressing against his own.
“We never talked about it.” Bucky chuckles at how oblivious they were to what was going on between them. They never mentioned it, but it was never awkward either. They were just comfortable in each-others presence.
“And mom never cared either.” Bucky’s head snaps in Steve’s direction, surprised at his revelation.
“Really? I always figured she just kept her mouth shut till I left.” He asks, incredulous.
“Nah. She knew we loved each-other long before we did.” Steve smiles sentimentally at the memory of his mom.
“I really didn’t give her enough credit, huh?” Bucky feels bad for assuming she wasn’t okay with it. It wasn’t uncommon to face homophobia, but still, her son found someone who looked at him like he hung the stars. Isn’t that every mother’s dream?
“She was great.”
Bucky hugs Steve, feeling the sadness radiating off of him. Bucky would forget sometimes back then as well that Steve doesn’t just have memories with Bucky here, but also with his mom. This was where they spent the last few years of her life.
Bucky rests his chin of Steve’s shoulder, looking over at one of the windows. They had a table and two mismatched chairs by that window. Steve would sit there for hours, looking out at the city, drawing it with his charcoal and pencils.
He lets go of Steve, walking over to the area where there now is a big dining table and eight matching chairs.
“This is where I first told you I love you.” Bucky says, remembering how nervous he was on that day. He had tried to tell Steve for months, but always backed out at the last moment.
“You sat me down, looking so nervous I though someone had died.”
Bucky can’t blame him. He was more terrified than he had ever been. He had told himself over and over again that it was just Steve, but his nerves didn’t seem to care.
“I couldn’t stop pacing until you finally told me to sit my ass down. You said my pacing made you dizzy.”
“I practically had to force the words out of you.” Steve says as he embraces Bucky from behind.
“I didn’t want to lose you.” Bucky sounds distant as he stares at a mark on the wall.
“Then why risk it?” Steve asks curiously.
“Because I couldn’t not. I was losing my mind pretending to like my dates, and the dates I set you up on hurt so bad.” Bucky turns in Steve’s arms, so their faces are mere inches apart. “I just needed it to be out there so I wouldn’t have to pretend anymore.”
Steve kisses him softly. “You had nothing to worry about.”
“I wish I knew that before I spent months trying to build up the courage.”
Steve chuckles, moving them in the direction of the kitchen. It’s got more storage than the one they had, and it’s a bright white color, just like everything else in the place. Everything is much brighter now than it was back then. Their walls had turned beige from years of wear, the furniture was made of dark textiles or wood, but it was cozy. It was their home.
Bucky walks over to the kitchen counter. Leaning his back to the corner by the sink like he used to do in the mornings while watching the sunrise.
“I was standing right here when I opened the letter.” Bucky reminisces. That was one of the worst days of his life.
“From the army?” Steve asks softly, even though they both know the answer to that.
“Yeah.” Bucky sighs sadly. “It hurt so bad I couldn’t breathe.”
They’re quiet for a moment, letting the memory wash over them.
“When I was looking for you a few years ago, I read in your file that you were drafted.” Steve says, sounding unsure if it’s okay to bring it up. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know.” Bucky is silent for a few minutes, trying to figure out how to put into words what he was feeling at the time. “I guess I wanted to be strong in front of you. I mean, you wanted it so badly, I didn’t want to admit I wanted anything but.”
“You could have told me. You know I wouldn’t have judged you.” Steve moves over to where Bucky is standing, leaning against the counter beside him.
“I know. I just- I wanted to stay. You needed me to stay. I never wanted to leave, Steve.” The confession hurts. There was so much going through his head in those last few days, he was hurting and confused. If he said the words out loud, he was scared he would break. He needed to stay strong so he could come home to Steve whole.
“I get it.” Steve sounds all too familiar with the feeling.
“Yeah. So, I pretended I was happy about it, and I left you.” Just like everything else Bucky did, he did what he thought was best for Steve. He convinced himself it was what was best for Steve, that Steve would be the one who broke if he told him. however, looking back at it now Bucky knows that keeping the true nature of his entry into the army from Steve was to protect himself, not Steve.
“I knew you’d come back to me.”
“I didn’t for over seventy years.” Bucky drops his head to Steve’s shoulder.
“But you did eventually. And I was only awake for about 5 of those years.” Steve says lightheartedly. Bucky can’t hold back a laugh, and just like that the sad tension in the room is gone.
“You have no idea how many times I had to practically carry you to the bathroom and clean your wounds.” Bucky says lovingly in the direction of said bathroom. Steve would get in so many fights, or rather, he was beat up so many times. Bucky would tell him to be more careful, unsure how much Steve’s body could take, but Steve never backed down from a fight.
“I seem to remember the roles being reversed a couple times as well.” Steve teases.
“Like when?” Bucky asks, pretending not to remember.
“Like when you got drunk after that one double date we went on, tripped over your own feet and split your chin open on the pavement.”
“I don’t remember that.” Bucky says sarcastically, even though he still has a small scar just under his chin. When he turns around his breath gets stuck in his throat. Steve is down on one fucking knee.
“What are you doing?” Bucky asks nervously. This can’t be, can it?
“Today it was my turn to build up the courage to say something.” Steve says as he pulls a jewelry box from his jacket pocket. He opens it and reveals the most beautiful ring.
“Oh my god.” Bucky mumbles, covering his face with his hands. This isn’t happening.
“No matter what happened we always found our way back to each-other. We never gave up on one another, even if some of us couldn’t remember the other.” Steve teases, letting out a nervous laugh.
Bucky laughs nervously with him. That was not his proudest moment.
“I loved you from the first time I met you. Even when my brain hadn’t caught on, my heart always knew you were the only one for me.” Steve speaks with confidence even as he trips over his words.
“No way.” Bucky breathes, pinching his arm in case this is all a dream. It has to be a dream.
“I knew I had to do this where it all started, so…”
Bucky’s heart is in his throat, beating a thousand miles an hour.
“James Buchanan Barnes, my Bucky, the love of my life.” Steve takes a deep breath. “Will you marry me?”
Bucky is speechless. Steve’s speech is so cliché and so awkward, but it’s perfect. Marrying Steve is all he’s ever wanted. Even when he didn’t remember who Steve was, his heart had fluttered at the sight of him.
“Buck?” Steve asks nervously. Bucky didn’t even realize he was just standing there, looking at Steve with big eyes, in complete shock. He breaks onto a huge grin, tears welling in his eyes.
“Yes!” He practically shouts.
“Yes?” Steve asks, still sounding shaky and unsure.
“Yes, yes, yes! Of course, I will marry you!” He moves over to Steve, pulling him off the floor and kissed him like his life depends on it. Bucky can taste the salt of his tears as they kiss, overwhelmed with joy.
“We’re getting married.” Bucky says as he pulls back. He can’t stop crying as Steve pulls the rig out of the jewelry box and slips it on Bucky’s right ring finger, so he can feel it against his skin. It’s a simple black band. Bucky can’t take his eyes off it as it catches the light beautifully, reflecting every color like it’s covered in tiny particles of glitter.
“Do you like it?” Steve asks, his voice as thick as Bucky’s with tears.
“It’s perfect.” Bucky says genuinely, looking lovingly at Steve. “I had no clue you were planning this.” Bucky laughs through his words, wiping his face with his sleeve. His cheeks hurt from smiling.
“We can adjust it if it doesn’t fit.”
“It fits perfect, Steve. It’s perfect.” He feels like a bubblehead as his head moves up and down to look between Steve and the ring every other second. “How did you keep this a secret?”
“I had some help.” Steve shrugs. They both laugh wetly.
“But you suck at keeping secrets.” Steve had never been able to keep anything from Bucky. Every birthday and Christmas gift were revealed prematurely because Steve always accidentally slipped up.
“This one was important to keep. Wouldn’t be any fun if you knew, would it?” Bucky sobs with happiness, unable to calm down. He is fucking marrying Steven Grant rogers. The one who looks at Bucky like he hung the stars.
“Is this real?” Bucky pinches his arm again. “Did that just happen?”
“It’s real.” Steve reassures him. Bucky kisses him again, overwhelmed with so many emotions he doesn’t know what to do with them.
“We have to tell Nat! Oh my god, she’ll freak out!” Bucky practically jumps with excitement. He can’t wait to tell everyone. He wants to shout it from the roof tops, let the whole world know how much Bucky Barnes loves Steve Rogers.
“She kind of already knows. She helped me pick the ring.” Steve says carefully, not wanting do disappoint Bucky.
“Oh, right. We still have to tell her. Right now.” Bucky takes a hold of Steve’s arm, dragging him back out the door they came through. Steve stops them to lock the door and put the key back under the mat, before pushing bucky up against the wall, kissing him deeply.
“Were getting married.” Steve says when he pulls back. Steve’s face is red and covered in tears, his eyes wide, lips stuck in a permanent smile. Bucky can’t imagine he looks much better.
“Yeah, we are.”