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in from the darkness
She's distracted. Her mind is full, of Buckells and Kate's warning, and of the still-unanswered chat message on her laptop upstairs. She's distracted, and that's why she doesn't check up and down the street the way she normally does when she steps out of her car. She hears the crunch of gravel only half a second before the cold metal of the gun is pressed against her skull, and her insides turn to liquid.
"It's as easy as that, Jo," Ryan says behind her. Her heart is thumping so hard she feels like her whole body is shaking in time with it's rhythm. Can he feel it, through the barrel of the gun? Can he sense that her knees are about to give out?
They're going to kill me, Jo realises, and it's not the first time that thought has crossed her mind, but it's the first time it's this clear to her. When I stop being useful, they will kill me. And there's nothing she can do about it. No way out. She's tried that, god she's tried. But there's only one way this will end for her, she sees that now.
Ryan directs her upstairs, and trembling, she reaches for the door.
And then she sees something out of the corner of her eye that makes her gasp again, that makes the cold panic in her almost unbearable, because parked just down the road is Kate, staring at them with wide eyes.
Jo quickly turns her head forward and pushes open the door, praying that Ryan hasn't seen her.
She should have known, after Kate's warning earlier. She's a great police officer. Becoming a good friend. And of course she wouldn't tell Jo that she was in danger and just leave her to it.
What the fuck is she going to do now? Her mind spins and she fumbles her flat keys. Ryan huffs impatiently behind her. She hopes to god that Kate has the sense to stay away. God, what if she calls for backup? What if she doesn't?
Her door creaks open and she steps inside, dropping her bag and trying to resist the temptation to run to the window and shout out a warning. No, she needs to trust Kate's instincts. Hope that she stays downstairs, away from Ryan, away from this mess that Jo has gotten herself into.
"Nice place," Ryan mocks, closing the door and laughing at her locks. "Buy one get one free at B & Q? Bit of a waste of money, though, isn't it Jo?"
"What do you want?" she manages, proud that her voice is only slightly shaky. Kate's sudden appearance has thrown her so much that somehow the danger to herself seems like less of an immediate threat.
Ryan's expression darkens. "We thought you might need a bit of reminding about who the key members of your team are."
Jo takes a deep breath. "I've done everything, everything you've asked of me-"
"Shut up." Ryan steps closer and Jo resists the urge to step backwards. "Now listen very carefully. I-"
The door buzzer goes off, making them both jump.
Ryan turns to glare at it and then back at Jo. "You expecting someone?"
Jo's mind is racing. There's no time for backup to have arrived, so this must be Kate on her own. Stupid, brave Kate. "Kate Fleming," she says, trying to sound like she isn't making all of this up on the fly. "She was going to come round after work. For a drink."
Ryan's eyebrows creep up his face. "Fleming?" She can see the cogs in his brain turning.
"We're friends." But Jo can sense he's not buying it. It's too coincidental. If he thinks Kate knows something, she doesn't want to know what he'll do. "We're... we're more than friends."
The buzzer goes again.
"Jesus christ, Jo," Ryan laughs, his tone mocking. "You can't help yourself, can you? First Farida Jatri, now Kate Fleming-"
"It's not like that!" On the other hand, if he thinks that they're close, then they might try and use Kate against her, and then what will she do?
"Get rid of her." Ryan gestures the gun towards the intercom, and Jo stumbles over, her legs still wobbly.
"Hello," she rasps into the static, pushing in the button so hard her knuckle turns white.
"It's me!" Kate's voice is faux-jolly over the crackly intercom. "Sorry I took so long, lots of people had the same idea at the Chinese."
Jo senses Ryan moving closer behind her. "I'm actually not feeling so great, Kate," she tries.
"What? I can't hear you, buzz me up!"
Jo turns to Ryan, who's glaring at her like this is all her fault. "If I don't let her up she'll know something's wrong."
He glances up at the ceiling briefly, then steps closer, towering over her. "Get rid of her, now. And if you so much as breathe funny, you'll regret it." He steps back. "And so will she." He moves round the door out of sight, and Jo presses the second button, hoping against hope that Kate has given up.
No such luck. She can hear her hurrying up the stairs and grasps the door for support.
"I got sweet and sour and chow mein so you can pick one or we can split them if you like?" Kate calls up the stairs, holding a bag up.
Jo can tell from the shape and the smell that the food is real. She recognises the logo as one of the places they sometimes order from close to the Hill. Kate had genuinely wanted dinner with her, apparently. That thought makes her want to cry. What she wouldn't give to be able to forget about her shit-show of a life and just have a takeaway with a woman she genuinely likes.
She steps into the gap between the door and the wall, keeping it mostly closed, conscious of Ryan behind the door holding the gun. "I'm really sorry, but I'm not feeling well anymore. I think I'm going to have to bail."
Kate gives her a once over, as if checking she's still in one piece, mouthing "you ok?"
Jo widens her eyes; anything more is too risky with Ryan right beside her. She hopes Kate will get the message.
"You might feel better if you eat something?" Kate reaches the landing and Jo can see she's trying to look past her into the flat.
"I don't have much of an appetite." She feels Ryan shifting his weight beside her, and tries to convey to Kate with her eyes that she needs to go. "I'm sorry, I know I said you should stay over, but I don't want to risk you catching something."
Kate's eyebrows rise ever so slightly, but she plays along despite her surprise. "Let me feel your forehead," she says gently, and steps forward, gently tugging Jo towards her and pressing her free hand against Jo's face.
"Go!" Jo mouths. She's trembling, she knows Kate can feel it, from the way her eyes are huge with worry. But the idea of Kate stepping in there, of her getting sucked into this, it makes her feel like she might be sick.
"You're head's hot." Kate touches her cheek softly, and she can't help but lean into it. "Tell you what, I'll pop down to the Sainsburys down the road and pick you up some paracetamol and some soup, and then we'll just have a quiet night, ok?"
"I think you'd better just-"
"No arguments." Kate gives her a tense smile. "You might be the boss at work but not here, and I'm going to look after you, ok?"
"Kate," she whispers, pleading now, but Kate shakes her head firmly.
"Just let me look after you, ok?" She takes Jo's hand and presses the takeaway into it. "I'll be back in ten minutes tops, ok? And you'd better be in pyjamas when I get back."
Jo grabs Kate's hand around the white plastic bag, squeezing as hard as she can. "Go!" she mouths again.
"Ten minutes." Kate's voice is deliberately light but Jo knows her well enough by now to hear the tension in it. She edges down the stairs sideways, keeping an eye on Jo until the last possible moment.
Despite her relief that Kate's no longer five feet away from Ryan and his gun, her situation crashes down on her when she's roughly pulled back from the door by her hair.
"What the fuck was that?" Ryan asks, shaking his gun.
"I was trying to act normal." The takeaway hangs loosely from her hands. The rich smell is making her feel sick. "She would know something's up. She...she's my..."
Ryan raises his eyebrows at her, that nasty little smirk back on his face. "Just remember what happened to the last one of your girlfriends who decided to open her mouth."
She tries her hardest to keep the horror off her face at the idea that they might hurt Kate, that someone might wait for her outside her home with a gun pressed against her skull.
"It's nothing serious." She manages to put some conviction behind it.
"Good." Ryan nods. "Keep an eye on her. Once AC-12, always AC-12." He tugs on the bottom of his jacket. "And as for the other thing, I hope I've made myself clear. I'm staying on your team. There will be no transfer. And you're done when we say you're done, got it?"
Jo nods. She's still shaking, chilled to the bone despite the warmth of her flat thanks to her heating timer.
"Glad we understand each other, Ma'am." He gives her one last dark look and lets himself out. The minute the door closes behind him Jo's knees give out. She hardly notices the takeaway containers fall to the floor next to her. She's breathless, like she's run up all the stairs in her building. Her hands are soaked with cold sweat.
The buzzer goes again and she actually lets out a little cry of fear. Is it Ryan, back again? Or is it Kate? Is she stood outside, Ryan watching her?
Half crawling, she makes it to the wall and pulls herself up by the door handle pressing the intercom button. "Hello?" It's barely more than a whisper.
"I'm back!" Kate's got that faux cheery voice on again. Jo lets her in without replying, unlocking the door and inching it open just enough to see Kate running up the stairs, two steps at a time, her fake calm gone.
Kate really is carrying a Sainsburys bag but she flings it to the ground the minute she's in the door, instead looking round the room for any sign they aren't alone.
"He's gone," Jo manages, her voice so thin it's barely there.
Kate nods. "I saw him leave. I just wanted to make sure...god, Jo, are you ok? Did he hurt you?"
But she can't answer. Bile rises in her throat, as the adrenaline leaves her and the reality of what just happens crashes around her, and she barely makes it to the kitchen sink as she retches.
And then there are cool hands pulling back her hair and rubbing her back, as she turns on the tap and rinses out her mouth, and when her knees threaten to give out again, there's a strong arm around her waist, pulling her close into Kate's blue trench coat and helping her to the sofa.
"Sorry," she whispers, and realises with a start that she's crying. She's still shaking all over, and cold, so cold.
Kate plucks the throw from the end of the sofa and wraps it round her shoulders. "It's ok. You're ok."
The absurdity of that statement makes her want to laugh, but what comes out is more of a strangled sob, and suddenly she can't keep it in anymore, and she's bawling. She can't stop, can't control her breathing. Everything's too much, she can't stop trembling, can't catch her breath.
"Jo!"
Not even the alarm in Kate's voice can cut through; she starts rocking herself and buries her face in her hands. There's no way out. She's stuck, in this loop, until they kill her, or until she gets caught. Those are the only two possible outcomes, she sees that now clear as day.
"Listen to me," Kate says, her voice suddenly very close. "Just try to take a deep breath, ok? Can you do that for me?" One of her hands is gently pried off her face but Kate holds it tight, anchoring her. "You're in shock but you're going to be ok, you hear me? Just try and breath."
She manages a hiccuping breath, and Kate leans closer.
"That's it. And again."
She doesn't know how long they sit like that, whether it's one minute or ten, but eventually, Jo's managed to get her breathing under control and the edges of blackness have faded away from her vision. But she can't seem to stop the tears, hot and shameful, that just keep running over her face.
Kate slips to the floor in front of her, still in her scarf and coat, taking Jo's face in her hands. "Did he hurt you?"
As if in response to her question, Jo's scalp where he pulled her hair throbs, but Jo shakes her head. "I'm ok," she whispers.
Shaking her head in response, Kate looks her straight in the eye. "I had a feeling something wasn't right, so I thought I'd swing by with a takeaway. And then when I saw him, and the gun, I thought..." She trails off, and lets one of her hands slip from Jo's face to her knee. "God, I thought I was going to come up here and find you-"
"I'm ok." She tries to smile reassuringly but she's aware it's more of a grimace, because the reality of what she's done washes over her.
Ryan thinks they're an item. He's going to be watching them, watching Kate. If anything goes wrong, if she steps another toe out of line, Kate's going to be in danger.
"What happened?" Kate's clearly trying to be gentle but her grip on Jo's knee is almost painful.
"Kate," Jo starts, and she feels another tear dislodge from her right eye and roll pathetically down her cheek. God, why does Kate have to be so good? "Please don't... Please. Please just go home. Forget this ever happened."
It's clear that something in her voice tips Kate off, because she leans back on her knees and pulls her hands away. "Jo..." She sounds devastated. Jo looks away; she can't bear to see the realisation spread across her face.
This is the end of any chance they ever had, Jo knows it. She's been kidding herself, allowing herself to get lost in fantasies about dinner and a movie, about a normal fucking life. But that's all it ever was. A fantasy. No matter how much she aches for it to be more.
"You need to transfer," Jo manages, still looking at her hands. "I'll write you a reference. They-" She clears her throat, determined to get through this. "Ryan thinks we're an item. He knows about Farida and it was the quickest thing I could come up with." She doesn't dare glance up, see Kate's reaction to her confession that Farida told the truth. She won't get this out if she looks at Kate. "I'll tell him that we ended things, that you're moving on. And then you need to forget this ever happened."
For a second, there's silence, and Jo bites her lip, so hard she can taste coppery blood, but she needs to pull it together right now. Anything, anything to keep Kate safe.
"Look at me." Kate's voice is still soft. "Jo." And then there's a hand under her chin, softly tilting her face upwards. "Let me help you."
"You can't!" She wipes at her eyes, her voice still cracked with tears. "No one can help me".
And then she makes a big mistake and looks at Kate's face, and the look in her eyes, the determined, protective expression on her face, makes Jo feel like she might start sobbing again.
"Please." Kate's voice cracks a little. "Please let me help you. Please trust me."
Jo looks away again, trying to steel herself for what she needs to do, but she's weak, and so, so frightened, and when Kate's looking at her like that it's hard to remember how she's supposed to manage without her. "It's not about trust. You don't understand-"
"Then make me understand!" Kate sounds almost angry now but she's still holding Jo's hand. "Why won't you just let me help you?"
"Because I don't deserve it!" Kate jumps but Jo can't stop now. "Because I've done things, terrible things Kate. And I can't bear it, I can't, if you get hurt too."
Kate leans forward, pressing their joint hands to Jo's face. "That's my decision." Her voice is still so gentle, but firm. "And how do you think I would feel, if a month from now they're pulling you out of a reservoir, or find you shot dead, or-" Her voice cracks. "Did you ever think about what that would do to me?"
And Jo's weak, so weak, because she leans forward too, resting their foreheads together, feeling Kate's soft, warm skin beneath her own cold and clammy face. She doesn't deserve this comfort, doesn't deserve Kate. "I'm frightened." She whispers it so softly she's not sure Kate even heard.
But then Kate leans up and presses her lips to Jo's head where their faces were just touching, and her lips and soft and warm and for the first time in hours Jo feels something other than fear.
"I've got you." Kate tugs her forward, into a hug. And god help her, Jo can't help but hug back, holding on desperately like Kate's the only thing stopping her from floating away. "I promise. I've got you."
"I believe you." She leans back and looks right into Kate's dark, determined eyes. "That's what frightens me most of all."