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26th June 2017
I love him, I think. It’s 4am here and I love him. We went out for dinner tonight, some restaurant whose name I wouldn’t be able to pronounce. If anyone were to ask me what I ate, I wouldn’t be able to tell them that either. But I would be able to tell them the way his lips tasted, the way his breath hitched when our lips met, the smell of his cologne, the way he held me close as we kissed over and over again. I wouldn’t be able to tell you what we talked about as we walked along the canal but I can tell you the way his eyes sparkled and how the stars paled in comparison.
We kissed once more, lingering outside his bedroom. I didn’t want the night to end. I wanted to keep him caged against the wall and memorise every slide of our lips, the warmth of his skin under my touch. Does he love me the same? I don’t know. But god I hope he does. Kim Seokjin is too good for me but if there is a god up there, let me have his heart, please.
18th September 2017
I told him that I love him. It’s been 4 months and 2 days since I realised I loved him and every minute has just me falling deeper and deeper. I’ve never been a religious man, never believed in a higher entity. But Kim Seokjin has made me believe in a higher power. Billions of years have spanned before us and will continue to span ahead of us. There are so many people that we’ve loved and have loved by. There are 209 countries in the world, even more cities that we’ve both lived and experienced and I’ve had the privilege of meeting him. I’ve had the privilege of having him hold me and soothe my aching heart. I’ve had the privilege of breathing in the love that he’s so generously given. I’m not a religious man but I thank the universe for letting me exist in a time where Kim Seokjin existed. The way I love him, it would be arrogant and ignorant of me to think that the stars didn’t align just for me to see his smile.
I don’t know what I’ve done to have him give his heart to me. Is it something I deserve? I don’t know. I don’t think so. But I want to take care of his heart, make sure that nothing hurts him, even me. I love him more than words could ever say, more than there are stars in my sky. As he sat across me, smiling at me, the breath got knocked out of me. I want to give him the world, be the reason for his smiles. Truthfully, I just want to make him as happy as he makes me.
20th November 2017
Seokjin and I had our first fight the other day. I wanted to write on the day we had our fight but I wanted to have some time to think on my own. Silly considering no one is going to actually read this hahah. I keep going back to it over and over, wondering what I could have done differently, what he could have done differently.
But now that I think about it, I kind of don’t give a fuck. I fucking miss him. I miss him so much it hurts. It isn’t like missing him when he was on holiday. Missing him then had a deadline. Counting down the days until I could have him close once more, until our lips could meet again. But what if I’d fucked up so badly that missing him isn’t going to end? What if this was it? I should have kissed him harder the last time we kissed, held him a little closer.
I’ve always said that I could never really say what love was. Love, to me, is just a series of experiences and moments. Love, I’ve come to learn later on is Kim Seokjin. It isn’t an answer but he’s the closest thing I have that’s tangible. Pain, however, I think I learned. Pain was the disappointment on Seokjin’s face as he told me to love. Pain is Seokjin saying that loving me had been a misfortune.
I fucked up and I don’t know how to fix it. But fuck I hope that I fix it.
1st December 2017
We’re okay. He pressed his lips against mine and I could breathe once more. I found myself swearing to the universe that I never want to hurt him like that again.
Maybe there is a god up there after all.
26th June 2018
A year since our kiss and you would have thought that the magic I feel in my bones would have disappeared or at least lost some of its fairy dust. But tonight, with the stars as our witness, we kissed and it was beautiful. I think the press of his lips against mine could get me drunk. The way he holds me so close and loves me. All of it. Maybe other people have fallen in love before and I’m sure they will continue to love. But I just know that what we have is special and what we have is ours.
365 days since he looked in my eyes and took a chance on me with all my flaws and mistakes. 365 days since he looked at me and handed me his heart, so precious and beautiful.
Call me biased, but I think the love that we have is the most special in history. Evidence: Seokjin’s smile.
19th January 2019
Seokjin and I went to Singapore for a conference today and he noticed the very notebook I’m writing in. A wry smile had curled at his lips as he teased me for being old, asking why I don’t just keep a blog like so many other people. I just rolled my eyes and laughed, teasing him about what a millennial he was. What I wanted to say was I wanted to keep this thing immortalised. This book bore witness of me falling in love with him. In years to come, when websites go defunct and my memory fades, I want to be able to read the words that will remind me of the very first time he stole my heart. The euphoria that flooded me when he told me he loved me the first time. I wanted to tell him that this journal is a little slice of heaven for me. Something that can’t be corrupted by the intricacies of technology. When we all turn to dust and bones, I want our love to be archived somewhere.
If anyone uttered my name in the distant future, I want it to be with the reminder that I loved Kim Seokjin more than I could ever say.
4th February 2019
So, against our better judgment, Seokjin and I decided to move in together. We bought a house together, spent a stupid amount of money on the downpayment and we’re going to move in together!! This will change things between us, I think. I can’t decide if it’ll make things better or worse, but I’m excited.
We went for dinner after signing the deed when, sitting across from each other, he asked me what I was most excited about. I didn’t have to think about it, really. Rolling over and waking up to the sight of him still remains one of my favourite sights. Sometimes, I think it’s one of the wonders of the world. So I smiled and told him I couldn’t wait to be able to lean over and wake him up with kisses along his jaw. I told him that I can’t wait to see him wake up and blink blearily before he tilted his head up, silently asking for a kiss. He rolled his eyes and blushed, telling me I was cheesy but I saw the smile curling at his lips and I know he was just as whipped as I was.
God I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him.
7th May 2019
Have you ever looked at someone and thanked the universe that you have them in your life? Your heart swells at the very thought of them and you think about how every single good thing you’ve ever done probably led them to you? The one time you helped your classmate with your homework or when you helped the old lady a few apartments down carry her groceries in. Maybe it was all the times you donated and volunteered to the animal shelter. Meeting Seokjin was a culmination of every good deed in my entire life, I’m sure of it.
It’s only been a month since we moved in. It was crazy, to say the least with constructions and interior designing. Well it probably isn’t normally this difficult, but when the two people moving in together are two very stubborn men, it was close to impossible. So when I told Seokjin that I was going to Switzerland after 3 weeks of moving in together, I half expected him to throw something at me and then yell at me. Honestly, I wouldn’t even have blamed him for that.
Instead, he’d smiled and congratulated me, telling me how much I deserved it and how proud he was of me. Not for the first time, I think about how much of a better man he is compared to me and how I don’t deserve him. Kim Seokjin carried all the love in the world in his heart and yet I’m the person that he chooses to lavish all of it with. I’m excited for a new chapter of my life, but fuck – I’m counting down the days, hours, minutes until I’m coming back already.
30th May 2019
I never finish my coffee anymore, I realise. It doesn’t taste the same as the ones that Seokjin makes, and I think maybe he might have spoiled me, just a little bit.
It’s been 2 weeks since I got to Bern and I miss Seokjin already. It’s odd. I’ve lived alone for the past 5 or so years of my life. I craved solitude for the longest time; time to myself where I can finally let my intellect grow and breathe. But I suppose that’s where I’ve always been wrong, haven’t I? Love was something I thought was restrictive, a hindrance, even. But of course, Kim Seokjin changed all of that. Love with Seokjin was easy, sometimes easier than breathing. Love with Seokjin meant laughter and freedom that I never felt before. Love wasn’t meant to be restrictive in any way, I realise. It was about growing with the person you’re meant to love. I’ve been loving wrong all these years or maybe subconsciously, my soul always knew that the love I have was always meant to be for him only.
Maybe it wasn’t that I craved solitude my whole life, I was just always waiting for Seokjin to come along. For someone who loved being alone, my heart hurts an unbearable amount. I miss Seokjin so much I can’t put the pain into words. All I know is my heart is constantly aching even if he’s not consciously on my mind. Or maybe I’m foolish for thinking he doesn’t permanently dwell in my mind.
I can’t wait to have him in my arms again. Fuck.
24th June 2019
Seokjin was crying on the phone when we talked. I don’t know if he knows that I know. It was midnight here and 7am in Seoul. I know the sun was already in the sky for Seokjin but I wanted to pretend just for a little bit at least to soothe my aching soul. I looked up at the moon and thought of Seokjin and the words spilled out of my lips. It was midsummer here and true to what it represents, the time moved slowly, achingly so, like molasses as the time between the second hand on a clock moving and pausing felt like eternity.
Even without seeing him, I knew the smile that would curl up at his lips – sad and wistful. It was silent for a little bit, no doubt his mind working overtime about something I suppose I’ll never find out but I appreciate anyway. And then I heard the sniffing and my heart broke. It hurt that I wasn’t there with him to wipe the tears away and hold him close. I try not to regret the decisions that I make in my life. Regret, I decided very young, was a waste of time. Life was too short for regrets, only lessons to be taken away. But I wonder if I should have ever come to Bern. Hearing the pain as he tries to convince himself that it’s okay, broke my heart. As far as I’m concerned, the world revolves around Seokjin’s happiness and anything that takes it away is a disservice.
We told ourselves that we are okay. We have to be. Because if we’re not okay, I’m not sure I could survive another day.
26th June 2019
Would have been the second anniversary of our first kiss today. Instead of pressing our lips together, I was moving into my new apartment, the silence deafening once the moon peeked through the clouds.
Happy anniversary, Honey.
16th July 2019
I don’t want to think that the distance has taken its toll on us. I don’t want to even think that being away from Seokjin is what’s making the dark clouds linger just a little bit. Fuck, I don’t even want to think about being away from Seokjin at all. But he floods my every thought, intrudes my dreams. It feels like the longer I’m away from him, the more I think about him. What people say is right. You never really realise what you’re missing until you let it go, Until it’s not there to nourish and fulfill you anymore.
Living in different countries meant that being out of my comfort zone (literally) was my comfort zone. But now all I crave is the stability of being at home with Seokjin. Back in our overpriced apartment where we definitely paid for a view that we didn’t bother enjoying because why would I when I have him?
Mum called me today to tell me that Seokjin visited her. And of course, that’s good. But it hurt nonetheless to have heard it from someone else. I felt a little like I was an outsider that got a peek into his life, rather than someone who was part of his life. I suppose that's normal with the distance. Rather than living our lives together, the distance meant that he and I lived separate lives and have stolen moments together. There was the world’s Seokjin and for a few minutes in a week, there’s my Seokjin.
I don’t like thinking about that and yet, that’s all I have.
12th August 2019
If I knew that going to Bern meant that I was going to lose Seokjin, I wouldn’t have taken the offer. If I knew that it meant being an outsider with the only person I’ve ever felt a kinship with, I would have stayed in Seoul if it meant that our love wouldn’t be so fragile. Seokjin has always been someone who was strong and unshakeable. To me, Seokjin, with all his imperfections, was perfect. People always tell him how lucky he was to have my love but the world doesn’t see him the way I do – doesn’t see beyond all the dazzle he brings, he had a heart that had far too much love to give. I suppose I lose sight of that sometimes as well.
Being a guest in the love of your life’s life hurt, shaking even the strongest of egos. Doesn’t help that mine wasn’t all that strong to begin with. Maybe it had been the guilt speaking, convoluting itself into rage as he accused me. I knew he came from a place of hurt and nothing that he was saying was untrue. What could I have done to soothe his aching soul? He was home and I was a thousand kilometers away, useless and helpless to the pain that he was feeling.
What do you do when you contribute to the pain of someone you loved more than anything?
If there is a god up there, please give me some answers because I cannot let him go through anymore pain and more than anything, I cannot lose him.
18th September 2019
It was supposed to be 2 more months.
Less than 100 days until I will be with the love of my life once more.
Is this punishment for leaving him?
Is this the penance from the universe?
2 years since I told him I loved him for the very first time and I have to tell him I’m not coming back yet.
1st October 2019
I swore some years ago that I never want to hurt Seokjin again. Subconsciously, I know that I have been hurting him, but I tried to push the thought away. I try to remind myself that this was for a bigger cause. I’m here to help with research, pitch ideas to help people that I will never meet, help young minds so that they can help other people that they will never meet either. But as the seasons change and it’s a cruel joke that I’m not any closer to meeting Seokjin either.
I broke the news to him that they needed me around for an extra five months. He was being an angel, teaching me how to cook something for my useless self and for the first time in a while, I heard him laugh – a genuine one. As the words left me, I saw the light leave his eyes slightly, the happiness that he’d been feeling just seconds before slowly dimming and my heart just broke. Another laugh left him just seconds after but this one was like the other ones he’d been giving me the last few months, humourless and wet with tears. I watched on helplessly as he gathered himself together once more, managing a smile for me. Because that was Seokjin, always so selfless. I want, more than anything, to give him the world. Even then, it wouldn’t be enough to repay him for all that he’s given.
I long to reach out through the tiny screen to wipe his tears away with the pads of my thumb and to press my lips against his and whisper all the apologies that die at my tongue.
Just a bit more, my love. Please wait for me.
17th October 2019
The days seem to drag even longer than before. Before, it felt like at least we had a goal that we had to work towards, counting down the days when we would be together once more. But now all that seems to be for naught. What’s the point of counting down the dates if it could change at any time? I feel the fight leave me just a little bit, defeat and numbness taking its place as I go through the motions of my days.
Maybe it’s a coping mechanism, letting the days blur together so I don’t have to keep waiting for the number of days to get smaller and smaller. It’s the only way I can watch the sunset without the cavity in my chest feeling like it’s imploding, my heart aching so much that I can’t breathe. The phone calls have slowly waned and I fear that the fight has left my love too. If I think too much about it, everything hurts. Each breath I take is just an indicator that more time without Seokjin keeps passing.
Mum always said I was a poet.
12th November 2019
Today was the first snow here. A bit early but the climate’s got all of us fucked huh. I just wish he was here with me.
Namjoon frowned in confusion when he saw Seokjin’s name on the caller ID before picking the call up anyway, shoving his hand in his pockets as he walked through the cold air.
“Babe? This is a surprise. Why are you calling so late? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, everything is fine. Just… Wanted to hear your voice. Is it a bad time?” Seokjin asked, his voice a breath of fresh air after the past few months.
Namjoon wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the question, wondering what it would take for Seokjin to realise that he was Namjoon’s entire world and that time was a privilege he would always accord the younger man. Instead, a small smile curled up at his lips as he looked down, watching the imprints his boots left in the snow.
“Not at all, baby. Never for you,” Namjoon said quietly, wishing he could say the words as he laced their fingers together. “I’m always here anytime you need, angel. How are you?”
“Cold,” Seokjin said with a laugh, the sound making his heart flutter slightly despite hearing it so many times.
He turned his gaze up to the sky where snowflakes swirled down, absently noting how that night, his bed was going to be cold once more. Nights like this made him crave Seokjin’s warmth a little more, wishing he could feel the weight of Seokjin’s broad shoulders pressed up against him as they huddled up with one another.
“Seoul’s getting cold isn’t it? I was checking the weather app earlier.”
“Thinking of me?”
Namjoon could hear the teasing edge in Seokjin’s voice, knowing that his boyfriend was just joking. But as Namjoon agreed, there wasn’t any part of him joking because he was always thinking of Seokjin. When it snowed, when the sun rose or set, when Namjoon was alone, Namjoon’s mind would always stray to Seokjin no matter what. He heard Seokjin click his tongue and Namjoon could imagine the way Seokjin would roll his eyes but there would be a fond smile playing on his lips. Namjoon would be hard pressed not to press his lips against his boyfriend’s there and then.
“ Are you done with your day? Sounds like you’re outdoors,” Seokjin commented.
“Yeah, just walking back from the university now. Want to walk home with me?” Namjoon asked.
He almost wanted to gag at his own cheesiness, blushing in embarrassment even though there wasn’t really anyone to see him being embarrassing himself. But he wanted to pretend for a little bit, act like he and Seokjin were in the same city and were walking back home, looking at the same things that Namjoon was seeing. For a little bit, he just wanted to pretend that they were together if only to temporarily fill the void inside him again.
“I would love to walk my boyfriend home,” Seokjin said. Boyfriend, Namjoon could giggle. “The uni’s near Bern train station right?”
“Yeah. How did you know?”
“You’re forgetting I spent like 5 years in the city, baby. What do you think I was doing when I played hooky from school?”
“Looking at cute university boys?” Namjoon asked with a laugh.
“ Natürlich,” Seokjin said easily, laughing back. “Talk me through the journey, baby. Wanna feel like I was there with you.”
“Well, I just walked past the library on Gesellschaftsstrasse. I was thinking of buying some takeaway. Kebabs, you know? Was feeling a little nostalgic.”
Namjoon smiled a little wistfully to himself, thinking back to when they were in Amsterdam all those years ago, pressing their lips together in a greasy kebab shop in the middle of the night. Seokjin had tasted of sweet chilli and burnt meat and Namjoon had fallen in love. His heart clenched at the memory, vaguely wondering how long more he’d have that.
“We’ll have plenty of time to recreate our first date. Let’s go back to Amsterdam when we can both get some time off.”
“At the same exact shop?”
“Same exact shop,” Seokjin promised. “We can recreate our first kiss too.”
Namjoon laughed, still longing, still a little wistful but his soul slowly being pieced together again at his boyfriend’s words. It was funny, how things change so quickly. Every kiss they traded, every touch, all of it blurred together even if they were catalogued safely in Namjoon’s mind to revisit any time he needed to. He used to take it all for granted and now he wished he could tell them all distinctly so the days wouldn’t last as long as they always seemed to.
“Can’t wait to recreate every other kiss we’ve had too.”
“It’ll happen sooner than we think, I’m sure. Time is but a construct, is it not?”
“It is.” Namjoon paused, crossing the road once the light turned green before speaking again. “Just crossed the road. Walking down towards the bar now before I turn right.”
“You live by the pizzeria, right? The one with the really good Hawaiian?”
“Ugh, yes. Maybe I should have some pizza tonight.”
“Mm, yeah. Have some for me. Fuck, I miss Bern,” Seokjin said with a sigh.
Namjoon could almost smell the pizza already.
They talked for a bit more, Namjoon pausing on his little walk from time to time to take some pictures to show Seokjin later. It was silly, he knew, because really why would Seokjin want to see a picture of a flower that Namjoon saw just because it made him think of him. But it made him feel like at least he and Seokjin were still trying to preserve what they had, no matter how fragile everything seemed. When everything was lost, at least they didn’t have to just fall back on love.
He talked about his day, catching Seokjin up about work, pretending like this was just any other day. But Seokjin grew quieter and quieter and he knew that it was the late hour that was making his boyfriend exhausted. They could pretend all they wanted but at the end of the day, a continent and a half separated them and all they were given were scraps that the universe afforded them.
“You sleeping on me, baby?” Namjoon asked. “I’m about to reach home. Literally just gotta – Seokjin?”
Namjoon’s breath hitched when he saw his boyfriend’s familiar face standing at his doorstep, in the flesh. He saw Seokjin’s smile, and a part of him thought that it was a dream because it had to be. A smile that beautiful couldn’t be real, couldn’t be directed at him.
His hands shook slightly, not wanting to believe his eyes as he walked over to Seokjin, wrapping his arms around the younger man to pull him into a crushing hug.
“Namjoon,” Seokjin greeted before laughing.
Absently, Namjoon remembered to hang up the call, feeling tears well up in his eyes when he heard yet another breathless laugh leave his boyfriend. Namjoon buried his face in the crook of Seokjin’s neck, inhaling the familiar scent of the expensive cologne, taking in the warmth of Seokjin’s breath against his skin. He could feel the curl of Seokjin’s fist against his coat, as if he was afraid to let go. To be honest, Namjoon was afraid as well. Afraid that if he let go, that none of this wasn’t real.
“You’re here. You’re here” Namjoon whispered over and over again, trying to remind himself that this was real and it wasn’t something that he’d conjured up yet again.
“I am,” Seokjin whispered back against Namjoon’s neck, unconsciously tightening the hold on his boyfriend.
“I – Let’s go in. You must be freezing. How long have you been waiting here? Where’s all your luggage?”
“I am cold so I’m going to steal your hot water and you better get in the shower with me,” Seokjin said as he trailed behind Namjoon, so close that he could hear Seokjin’s laboured breath. “I left my luggage at a friend’s house so I’m stealing your pajamas, too, tonight. I also ordered some food which should come in like 15 minutes so we gotta make the shower quick. No funny business.”
Namjoon laughed, rolling his eyes fondly. He’d missed that bluntness from his boyfriend, the jolt of reality that he got from time to time. Tossing his phone aside, he kicked the door close and reached out for Seokjin, pulling him close so that he could press his lips against his boyfriend’s. He wrapped an arm around Seokjin’s waist, the other pushing his coat off of him before settling right where he could feel Seokjin’s heartbeat strong. The steady thrum of Seokjin’s heart grounded him, reminding him that his boyfriend was here in all his glory.
He knew he was being greedy as he slipped a hand under Seokjin’s sweater, drawing little shapes as he felt the warmth of his skin, the smoothness of his back that he used to adore pressing so many kisses against. The homesickness that had been swallowing him whole ebbed away, slowly but surely as their lips met over and over again, reacquainting themselves once more. Home was always Seokjin, Namjoon realised at that moment. It wasn’t their mismatched apartment back in Seoul or even the shitty apartment that they were both standing in. Home was the press of his lips to Seokjin’s, the quiet breaths that the younger man took before whispering Namjoon’s name.
Namjoon pulled away slightly, pressing one last kiss to Seokjin’s lips. He wondered how he looked as he let his gaze roam Seokjin’s beautiful face, his heart clenching at how much he missed seeing that face so much. His boyfriend’s lips were slightly parted, nothing but love and adoration in Seokjin’s eyes as he looked at Namjoon and all at once, Namjoon felt whole again. The void that he’d been trying so desperately to fill with work now filled with love that Seokjin always seemingly had for Namjoon. Love that Namjoon wasn’t sure he deserved even after so many years but greedily took in anyway.
“What are you – What are you doing here?” Namjoon finally asked.
“I’m here to see you, silly. You promised me Christmas and you know me. I always get what I want. So here I am. You’ve even taken the liberty to unwrap me,” Seokjin said, nodding at his coat that was now lying on the ground.
“Shut up,” Namjoon said with a roll of his eyes. “You’re staying until the end of the month, then?”
“If you want me to. Which you should, by the way or this would be very awkward. My return flight is booked for the 27th and I have nowhere else to stay.”
“Darling, when have I ever said no to having you?”