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They were doing it again.
Envy did it a lot, whenever they were alone. They hated being alone. It reminded them of being forced into a room all by themself for months on end as a punishment for breaking a rule, which half the time was unspoken. Reminded them of being abandoned by one of the only people they cared about. They shook their head, they were not going to think about that.
Well, they weren't completely alone. Father was there, sitting - sleeping? - in his chair. But in that state, he hardly counted as more than a decoration in the cistern, as he wasn't much for conversation. They mentally kicked themself for thinking that, Father was all-powerful, he was their creator, the homunculus that created all of their siblings. How dare they insult him. It didn't matter that he ignored their existence 80% of the time, it didn't matter how little he moved, or how little he talked. It didn't matter that he forced them all to live in the sewers, a place lower than the dirt that disgusting, vile humans walked on. It didn't matter.
It didn't matter.
Envy gritted their teeth. He was their Father. Questioning him wasn't something they should do. Everything he did, he was right about. Even if it hurt. Even if it didn't make sense. It didn't have to make sense. They didn't have the right to question him, nor the right to complain.
What they did have the right to do, the only thing they had the right to do, was what they did best. Play around with their shape. Pretend to be someone they weren't. Hide in their room and mold themself in the mirror. It would be a welcome distraction from their loneliness.
They thought about who they should imitate first? An animal? A child? A military dog?
They grinned, changing their shape to match that of the man they had shot earlier this week. They matched his shocked expression perfectly, at the sight of his own wife shooting him. Foolish humans, always unable to hurt those they were attached to. Homunculi weren't like that. They didn't get attached, or if they did, they could slaughter those attachments without a second thought. And Envy had the missing souls to prove it.
Their smile melted. Not thinking about that. They changed to their usual form, but for a brief moment kept the outfit. While they preferred showing off a bit more skin, the soft, pale skin they had so painstakingly crafted, they had to admit they looked at least decent in uniform.
Who else would be fun? A smirk crossed their lips as they considered their options. Red sparks surrounded them once more as they shifted to look like an Ishvalan child, the very same one they had shot in the Ishvalan Civil War. They remembered how much they enjoyed taking that shot. The euphoria they felt at finally having control over something. That one action could change the course of history, and that they were the culprit. That causing one person to die could lead to the suffering of thousands more. And even better, when they got home, they were praised for doing it. It wasn't much more than a simple "good job", but it was enough. It had to be enough.
Next, they thought of the chimera project they and Lust oversaw. They shapeshifted into one of the chimeras, a grotesque fusion of lion, snake, and frog. They scowled, looking at their new green scales. Ugly. They were ugly. But even so, this form wasn't as ugly as their true one, and they knew that. They shifted back again, unable to stand looking like that for any longer.
This did remind them of a different chimera, though. A fusion of a man and a crocodile, one of the only people who had ever offered them a compliment. Okay, well, the flirtatious joke was definitely meant more as a taunt. After all, he was the one behind bars, and they were the one on the other side with needles and a clipboard. Seeing his scales in the mirror wasn't exactly comfortable either, but it wasn't as bad. That certainly was a fun mission. They remembered just how shocked they were when he had made that comment. They couldn't focus for the rest of the day and ended up just passing the job over to another scientist. They didn't get the chance to visit him again, however. By the next morning, he and several others managed to breach containment. Dumb humans, getting under their skin like that. They didn't know why they'd let it affect them so much. The comment certainly wasn't aimed at them, merely the person they were pretending to be.
No one would ever compliment them.
Envy hissed to themself, damn it this was supposed to make them feel better, not worse. They wanted to feel pretty, for once, and their body changed shape again. This time, they saw Lust in the mirror. Lust looked gorgeous, nothing ever seemed to bother her, her actions, her form, they were always so perfect. So perfect that she earned Father's praises. So perfect, it was almost sickening. They remembered crying themself to sleep some nights, asking why they couldn't have been created as pretty as her. Why they had to pretend and lie and fake every part of them. Not that they wanted to look exactly like Lust, of course. They liked looking cute, sure, but Lust was far too feminine in appearance for them to be comfortable with long term. Whatever they were, it certainly wasn't female.
Who else should they try? They briefly considered shifting to mirror Father, but immediately shot that idea down. They didn't deserve to look like Father. No one was good enough for that, except Father himself. What about... No. No, they wouldn't look like Pride. Anyone but Pride. Having to do that once was enough. They hated looking like him, almost as much as they hated looking like themself. Think of something else, anything else. Their other siblings flashed through their mind, and they eventually landed on Gluttony.
They honestly felt bad for Gluttony. He often got the short end of the stick. Especially when it came to Pride. Pride saw how easy he was to mess with, and Envy thought he never fully forgave Gluttony for almost eating him when he was first created. Their urge to protect him wasn't as strong as Lust's, sure, but Gluttony was different from Envy. He didn't deserve to be attacked for a simple mistake he had made over a century ago.
They shuddered at that thought. They again tried to distract themself. Who else? They grinned again at who they settled on. They molded their body again, this time mirroring Wrath. Oh, how they enjoyed pretending to be their youngest sibling, causing shenanigans and sullying his reputation. If it weren't for the other homunculi being around, he'd be the most powerful person in the world. People looked up to him. Taking the squirt down a few pegs was a delightful art form.
Speaking of squirts, they thought of the Fullmetal pipsqueak, whom they had met in Laboratory 5. They allowed themself to be cloaked in red light, capturing the boy's essence. Gold hair, black leather, golden eyes, and overwhelming tenacity. He'd almost remind them of Father if he weren't so stupid. Even when directly confronted with the inhumanity of the Slicer Brothers, he still tried to save them, still treated them as people. And even when dealing with two near-immortal beings, coping with overwhelming blood loss and a broken arm, he still refused to go down without a fight. That need to protect, the need to save everyone, and especially his sense of style, all reminded them of...
They swallowed their next breath. Greed. Every time they did this, they always ended up transforming into Greed. It had been nearly a century since they'd last seen him, but they still remembered what he looked like, down to every last detail. Well, no, it hadn't been quite that long. They'd seen him at a distance about two years ago while on a mission in Dublith, but were too busy to say anything. Or rather, too scared. What if he attacked them? Or tried to kill them? Not that they cared that much if he succeeded. It would be better than facing more torture. But even worse, what if he hated them? What if he didn't want them around? What if he really never wanted to see them again? They didn't think they'd be able to handle him saying it out loud, even if they were sure it was true.
Regardless, they changed their shape ever so slightly. He had been wearing a fur trimmed vest the last time they saw him. That was new. Different. It made sense, that he'd want to distance himself from how he was supposed to look when he still lived in the sewers. Envy themself had spent about three months perfecting their form when they were first created.
Envy came into this world screaming. They started as... as a despicable little worm creature, which was bad on its own, but then their body rapidly stretched and grew. Growing all those new bones, pulling at their skin, it was all so painful the first time. And when they saw the monster they looked like, how ugly, and disgusting, and awful they looked, Envy tried to tear themself apart.
That was the first time Pride killed them. He thought their whining was an annoyance. He let them bleed onto the floor for a full minute before he removed his shadows from their flesh. And Greed... Greed had stepped up to defend them. And Lust, somewhat. Pride didn't like that at all, but Father needed Pride to run some sort of errand, so he couldn't do anything about it. Which left them with Lust and Greed. Eventually, Lust needed to do something as well, but Greed... Greed stayed. He almost never left their side, those first three months, before they had fully figured out their shapeshifting abilities. Which suited Father just fine, as he tended to use Greed as a personal body guard more than anything else. Envy later learned from Lust that Greed normally would take any chance he could get to go outside, see the sun, talk to those despicable humans. Envy didn't understand why he'd want to talk to them, but it meant quite a big deal that he was willing to stay in a place he hated so that they wouldn't be alone. And Greed wasn't shy about saying how much he hated it. But he never said he hated them. And when they'd finally perfected - er, well, mostly perfected- their abilities, he was the one who took them out to see the sun for the first time.
After that, they were practically inseparable. Anything they could do together, they would do together. Unless Father specifically instructed them to go their separate ways, they'd find almost any excuse they could to work together. They'd laugh together, cry together, prank Lust, Sloth, and eventually Gluttony together. And when one of them broke the rules, they sure as hell were going to break them together. Anything to avoid being put in the punishment room alone. Eventually they did it so often Father had to just make a second isolation room. That put a damper on Envy's rebellious streak, but Greed never faltered. Maybe because he'd already been there alone enough times that he was used to it.
That was the start, of things going downhill. Pride had been trying to get them to hate each other for decades. He hated that his favorite chew toy had... a friend? Envy wasn't sure if that was the right word, but it's the best thing they had to describe themself. It was hard for either of them to actually believe any of what Pride was saying, but when they started being apart from each other more often, whether it be due to orders or due to breaking those orders, it began weighing on their relationship more and more. They started arguing more frequently. And while they had had their fair share of bickering before, it was usually over minor inconveniences. But after that, the arguments started getting more...personal. If there was one thing Envy hated about Greed, it was the fact that when he wanted something, he could just... take it. He didn't have to convince himself he deserved it. He wanted everything, but there was almost nothing that he couldn't have.
But Envy couldn't have anything they wanted. They couldn't have things to keep themself entertained, like Greed. They couldn't have Father's affection or praise, like Pride. They couldn't be pretty, not for real, not like Lust. They couldn't have the speed to run from their problems, like Sloth. They couldn't have Gluttony's astounding ability to be happy, no matter the situation. They couldn't have Wrath's ability to find connection with humans. Even if they hated humans, they still envied their capacity for compassion. They had to pretend to be a sick puppy once, and even though they were another species, the humans that found them still pulled out all the stops to take care of them and nurse them back to health. It was disgusting. Maddening. Revolting. And they desperately wanted more.
And as they met Greed's eyes in the mirror, they thought about the final nail in the coffin to prove their own point. The thing they wanted more than anything, and couldn't have, was Greed. He had abandoned them without so much as a word. They hugged themself, because he wasn't here to hold them. This was as close as they were ever going to get. They felt tears threaten to well in their eyes, as they were overcome with an overwhelming sense of longing. Greed wanted everything, but to them, Greed was everything. They thought that maybe, just maybe, they could be happy with having nothing if they still had him. But that was a foolish, idiotic dream. Greed didn't... He didn't...
"Doing this again, Envy? I thought you would have figured out by now not to pretend he cares about you." Pride's voice cut through their internal monologue like knives. Envy's blood ran cold, and they immediately shapeshifted back to their humanoid form as they whirled around to face their eldest sibling. They hardly had enough time to cover their mouth before his shadows began piercing through their skin, not that it would prevent what was sure to come next.
"How pathetic can you get? Not even going to attempt to fight back? Too much of a coward? Too scared to show how disgusting you truly look? How much of a revolting freak you really are?"
Envy hissed through their gritted teeth, "I would, if you weren't about to-" Before they could finish, he wrapped his shadows around their throat, gripping it tighter, tighter, and tighter still. He had the entire room coated in eyes, apart from the lamps on the wall. Every inch of concrete was staring at them. They grew their claws out longer and sharper, trying to tear the darkness away from their neck, but it was no use. He was stronger than they would ever be.
"How ironic, that the one thing you want most is the one thing he could never give you. How fitting, that the person who wanted everything didn't want you." He sliced open their sides, tore off their legs, and broke their spine with a sickening crunch. Again and again, the red lightning coming off of Envy's body illuminated the room as they healed and were maimed again and again, limbs torn off, body split in half, chest torn open, bone after bone after bone shattered into pieces, over and over and over and over and over. Mouths opened up on the floor to lap up every last drop of blood they spilled, and there was plenty of it to go around.
Pride laughed, as he forced open his sibling's mouth, (or rather, snapped off their lower jaw), and thrust his shadows down their esophagus. Envy screwed their eyes shut, as the taste of acid and blood and rotten flesh filled their mouth once again. Darkness and watchful eyes filled their stomach and their lungs and coursed through every part of their body. Their entire body ached, their insides burned, they just wanted it to stop. But they wouldn't cry in front of him, no matter how much that dam was threatening to burst. They couldn't let themself be that weak in front of him. "I don't know how you didn't figure out he hated you sooner. You're a useless, worthless, sniveling ball of jealousy and hatred. You can't do anything right. And you break everything you touch. Greed wants everything. It was only a matter of time before you broke something of his. And why would he risk his everything for an ugly little worm like you?"
Pride threw them to the floor, shadows wrapping around their body to keep them grounded. He leaned down to look them in the eyes, as he forced them open. He licked his lips, savoring their fear. "Stop wasting your time on living up to your name, Envy. You have work to do. Maybe if you do it, Father won't regret your existence for once. Don't forget that we are your family, not Greed. He broke that bond when he left. You should be grateful that Father cares enough about you to let you stay despite you being a complete and utter failure, despite the fact that you will never be good enough for him. And as much as I'd like to continue this conversation, I'm going to make myself useful. I suggest you do the same."
He patted their head, as one last final act of humiliation, before leaving the room. He took most of his shadows with him. Most. Envy could still feel him watching them from the inside, could still feel his eyes just beneath the skin. They waited to make sure Pride had truly left the room, before dragging themself to their feet. Their entire body shook, red sparks danced on every inch of their now bleeding skin. Envy ran across the room, to the nearest water channel in the sewer system, and collapsed onto the floor, trying to eject every last shadow inside of them. They vomited for close to an hour, and they no longer had the mental capacity to stop themself from crying. They felt sick every time Pride did this, and of course he couldn't just stop at attacking them physically, he had to attack them emotionally too.
Siblings are supposed to love each other, right?
Is this what love is?
This sickening feeling, of having your every move watched like a hawk, of rotting from the inside out, of being so incredibly pained and revolting and weary and unwanted.
Unwanted.
They choked out another sob at that revelation. They were unloved, unwanted, uncared for, by the person they wanted it from the most. Pride was right. He was always right.
Wasn't he?
Maybe it was just the feeling of coughing up the shadows hidden in their lungs, but a small, tiny tinge of hope rose in their chest. They felt stupid for asking, but what if he was wrong? What if Greed did still care? Even that thought was terrifying, because if this was what being cared about felt like, they weren't sure they wanted to seek it out. But they couldn't deal with not knowing the truth anymore. They had to know.
And they'd be damned if they weren't going to find out.