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monochrome. if someone asked nao what word she would use to describe her life, monochrome would be the word.
nao was born without the ability to see colors. ever since the moment she opened her eyes, the world has always been black and white to her.
at first, her parents thought it was just temporary and that she will be fine in a few years' time. but as nao grew older, the black and white world remained a constant in her life.
nao learns to associate colors with objects. she remembers begging her mother to teach her which colors correspond to common objects – brown for the trunk of the tree, green as the base color of leaves (unless it's autumn, then they become red or orange), blue as the color of the sea and yellow for the sun.
her mother wonders why she was suddenly motivated to learn about colors but whenever she asks nao about it, nao would only say that she wants to be able to at least imagine them. however, deep inside, nao wanted to learn all of these because she doesn't want to keep getting bullied just because she mistakenly colored the sun as blue that one time in class.
life went much smoother for nao after learning how to associate colors. of course, there were still some ups and downs, but she managed to live life like a normal girl for the most part.
rather than hanging out with her classmates, nao turned to books and idol groups for solace. she found them to be more enjoyable compared to interacting with her peers. nao was content with the way she was living until one day, she saw something online that caught her attention: recruitment for hiragana keyakizaka46 2nd generation members
-
nao definitely did not expect this. she had decided to join the audition just to try something new, something to color her dull life. but to actually get through to the final audition? that was something nao thought would have never happened.
as she makes her way to the audition venue, anxiety started catching up on her, and she questions her decisions. she balls her fists to stabilize her trembling hands, and a moment after, a pair of warm hands wrap around her right hand.
"are you okay? do you still want to go?" she looks up to her mother who is clearly worried about her.
nao gives her a smile, "i'm nervous but we already travelled a long way. it's a waste of money and effort if i turn back now. right, mom?"
"are you sure?"
"yes."
"promise me you'll be okay there? if anyone bullies you because of your color blindness i'm making you lea-"
"mom, it'll be fine. i won't tell anyone about it okay?" nao reassures her mother.
when she filled out her particulars for the audition, she obviously did not write about her condition. if anyone found out about it, her potential idol career would have ended before it could even start. after all, how could someone that can't see colors be an idol? however, just like the protagonists of the manga that she loves reading, nao knew that she doesn't need to stop trying just because the odds are stacked against her. if anything, she knows that she can never say it's over nor something is impossible if she didn't even try it in the first place.
pushing away the negative thoughts in mind, nao gathered all of her courage to proceed with the final round of auditions. remembering the past showrooms that she did as part of the auditions increased her desire to continue doing this.
her reminiscing moments ended when her mother tapped her shoulder to tell her that they arrived. "ready?" her mother asks in a gentle tone, probably trying to read the room. nao hums with a nod, "it's been a long journey, hasn't it, mom? i was ready for this the moment i began."
after giving her mother a hug, nao took a deep breath and made her way inside the venue. she was guided by the usher into a room where there were other girls, some of whom nao recognized from the showrooms, sitting down. she walked towards the chair that had a paper with the number 15 printed on it and quietly took a seat, trying her best not to attract any attention. as nao was looking around, she heard a quick gasp and once she turned towards the source of the sound, she saw a girl with a bob cut pointing her finger right at nao and walking towards her.
"you're ichigo-chan, right?"
nao nodded her head slowly, albeit slightly confused and the other girl's jaw dropped and she quickly took a seat beside nao.
after miho settled down on her seat, she wasted no time in striking a conversation with nao, "i'm watanabe miho," the girl extended her hand and nao politely shook her hand, "i watch your showrooms and wow, you're even cuter in real life!"
nao's cheeks turned a deep shade of red. normally she would have found it hard meeting people who were so social and active but for some reason she didn't feel that way with watanabe miho. nao even found her behavior kinda cute and endearing. she actually also watched the showrooms of other girls which included miho's too, but she would never admit to miho that she watched her showrooms the most out of everyone else's.
miho cleared her throat and continued, "it's insane to think that after all of those showrooms and waiting, we've finally reached this point."
nao, being naturally introverted and not used to talking to strangers, silently nodded her head in agreement. miho seems to have understood nao's personality so she continues talking despite the lack of verbal replies, "you seem to be more talkative in your showrooms but i do get that it's easier to talk with the camera instead of other people," miho paused, "especially when they're people you've just met," she says while dramatically placing her hand on her chest.
that gesture made nao snicker and miho beamed her a smile, "you look better when you're smiling," she compliments and before nao could even react, someone spoke into the mic telling the trainees to get ready.
"i hope you get in," miho suddenly turned around and put her face close to nao's to whisper into the latter's ear.
"y-you too," nao quietly says, much like a whisper, as her brain goes haywire.
the announcement of those that got in starts and nao's mind goes blank. she could barely process anything when her number got called. after the announcer ended the roll call, nao looked around and let out a sigh of relief when she saw miho beside her.
as they were getting ready to take their picture for the newspaper, nao tries to keep calm but she can feel her hands shaking uncontrollably due to the nervousness. noticing how nao stiffened up, miho looks down and sees how badly nao's hands are shaking. she grabs nao's left hand, in an attempt to help calm her down. nao was surprised with the sudden skinship from a stranger but it somehow gave her a sense of comfort. she closes her eyes before letting out a deep sigh. when she opened her eyes again, an unfamiliar sight unfolded right in front of her. her eyes widen as she starts to see what has been missing in her world ever since she was born. she shifts her gaze from left to right to take in the colors that have now filled the venue.
nao takes in the overwhelming vibrance she's currently seeing. all the while, she feels a tighter grip on her hand and when she looked over to miho, who seemed suddenly exhausted.
"are you... okay?" nao whispers rather cautiously. miho blinks her eyes once, "yeah. i guess the lack of sleep is catching up to me. i was really nervous about today's audition," a chuckle escapes her lips as an attempt to keep herself alert.
in a couple of seconds, miho suddenly puts on her signature bright smile.
"come on, put on your best smile, ichigo-chan."
nao was about to reply when the photographer announced that the photo taking for hiragana keyakizaka46's new 2nd generation was going to start. they move into position and get ready with their smiles.
with a count of three, a series of blinding flashes followed and when they stopped, so did nao's world.
just as she thought she could finally live a normal life and be an idol that does not need to pretend, her shoulders drop when she saw that her condition has come back. nao clenches her free hand to keep her emotions bottled up.
she forgot that she was still holding miho's hand until she feels the grip on her hand loosen and the other girl's hand leave hers.
"thanks for letting me borrow your hand, for some reason i suddenly feel better now." she hears miho say beside her but she says nothing and just gives the girl a small smile.
"i look forward to working with you, ichigo-chan."
"you don't have to call me by that name now, you know."
"then, let me repeat myself," miho clears her throat, "i look forward to working with you, nao."
"let's do our best to make our mark in the group, miho."
nao got caught up talking with her new found comrade and for a moment she forgets that she lost the ability to see colors again.
months have passed since nao got her first glimpse of a colored world. up until now, no one else knows about her condition except for miho and it's because of an unexpected discovery while they were hanging out– just the two of them. apparently, whenever nao experiences the color bursts, miho gets some of her energy drained but she would feel slightly better when the color rush ends. this would also explain why the color rushes are so short, because miho cannot sustain it for long without risking her health.
they came to the conclusion that nao is able to see colors because of miho. honestly, nao doesn't understand the logic behind it but she's not going to question it if it lets her see colors.
she doesn't mind the short-lived happiness but tells herself to not get her hopes up.
-
penlights. they're considered something essential for an idol. that's how to identify your fans among the sea of people during a concert, at least that's for someone that sees colors perfectly fine. but kosaka nao isn't considered normal.
"can't i just have black and white as my penlight colors?" nao whines as the second-gen members discuss their penlight colors. she sees eight pairs of eyes stare in disbelief back at her.
"b-black? nao you can't have black as a penlight color! there's nothing idol-like about that." manamo says in an attempt to make nao rethink what she said.
nao stares at the paper in her hands. the staff had given them a list of colors to pick from for their penlight colors, but to nao they all were just the same to her. black, white or some shade of grey. thankfully the staff bothered to write the name of the colors on the paper so nao could at least imagine some possible combinations, but it was still something that felt absurd for her.
"at least we still have a few days to think about it! so don't worry too much about it nao," suzuka comforts nao. she appreciates suzuka's effort. only if suzuka knew the real reason why this was a big deal to her. maybe one day nao will finally tell the rest about her condition.
after a moment of silence, the others soon disperse and go back to whatever they were initially doing. nao feels someone slide next to her and she knows who it is even without looking.
"miho." nao turns to stare at her.
"hey." miho cracks a smile in return.
at that very moment, it suddenly feels like she's in an unfamiliar world again. her then monochromatic surroundings have started to become vibrant — her gaze shift towards the paper she's holding.
colors.
her jaw slightly drops as she slowly processes what is happening around her. she looks directly at the person beside her and everything starts to make sense. despite having experienced this before, nao still hasn't adjusted to the sudden color bursts that miho brings forth.
"miho," she blinks as she starts to readjust to the unfamiliar surroundings. "this is violet, right?" she points to the first color she sees on her paper.
"well, it's written there nao, don't tell me you can't read?" miho teases. "i'm just joking. it worked right? you can see the colors?"
nao nods her head and takes the chance to examine the colors shown in the piece of paper before the color rush ends. somehow, she still finds herself drawn to the very first color she saw.
"the violet is pretty right?" miho asks as she notices nao staring at it.
"it is. do you think it suits me?"
"it does. to think you wanted black as your penlight color!" miho laughs. "what about your second color?"
right. there was still one more color she had to pick. nao stares at the paper and tries to imagine various combinations but nothing seemed to stand out to her.
she lets out a sigh. "what about you miho? what are you going to pick?" nao asks.
miho pretends to be deep in thought. "hmmm... i wonder? i'll probably go with white and pastel blue." she grins.
"okay, i guess i'll go with violet and white then." nao suddenly decides.
"oh? are you copying me?"
"no," nao rolls her eyes, "just so i can pretend that any white and grey-looking penlight is mine during a concert."
nao etched the image of a pair of violet and white penlights in her mind as her surroundings slowly turned back to the monochromatic shade she is used to and the colors disappear.
miho notices nao frowning and asks, "did the color rush end already?"
nao looks at her friend with a small smile and miho notices that it does not quite reach her eyes, "yeah," the center faintly says. miho puts her hand on nao's shoulder, "i'm sorry i can't make it longer," she apologizes but nao immediately shakes her head, "it's not your fault. you can't risk your health and even if it's just for a short time, i'm still thankful that you're able to make me see colors, miho."
miho doesn't have to know that nao picked white as one of her penlight colors just so that she can have something matching with her.
-
sometimes, nao thinks that the universe is out there to get her. it's as if fate wanted to rub it in her face that she's colorblind. as the bus arrives at the set of their music video filming, she feels that today is one of those days.
when nao was announced as the center for their new song, it felt bittersweet to her. on one hand, she was happy to have been given the position of center, but on the other hand, the theme of the music video was about rainbows.
rainbows.
something that she cannot fully appreciate given her condition. when she saw how excited the other members were over it, she wondered if the center position should've been given to someone else. despite of her worries, the comfort of having miho by her side in the formation is enough solace for her.
nao watches as the staffs move about hurriedly, trying their very best to keep to the schedule. but she herself is quickly escorted by a staff member to the changing room where some of the other members are at.
"kosaka-san, there you are! we're slightly behind off schedule so we need you to quickly change into the blue dress over there." the staff gestures towards a clothing rack.
before nao could ask exactly which dress she was supposed to wear, the staff ran out to attend to other matters. nao walked towards the set of dresses on the other side of the room. a weak sigh escapes her lips as she struggles to figure out which one is hers.
suddenly, she feels a presence beside her and nao secretly hopes that it's a certain watanabe miho. but alas, it seems that fate was not on her side today.
"the dresses are really pretty right?" nao hears their captain say as she turns to face her.
"they are," nao gives a tight-lipped smile, unable to further comment on it. "do you happen to know which one is mine? the staff said blue but there are so many blue dresses so i'm not sure."
"if i remember correctly, this should be yours! it's not as dark as miipan's one but still darker than miho's one." kumi chuckles as she hands nao her dress.
nao thanks kumi before quickly moving to change, glad that she at least bothered to ask her mother how many colors a rainbow had when she was younger.
the rest of the time passes in a blur and they're soon standing in their positions, getting ready for filming to start.
"let's do our best today, too, ichigo-chan."
"you're never going to let that go, will you?" nao huffs.
she hears miho let out a laugh, "of course i won't. blue suits you by the way, just letting you know."
"i'll just have to take your word for it. kumi said you're wearing a lighter shade of blue right? she helped me take my dress."
"ah really? mine is turquoise-colored so it's lighter than yours. sorry i wasn't there when you had to get your dress, i could've helped you."
"it's alright, i can't expect you to be there for me all the time right?" nao chuckles.
before miho could rebut, the director called for the filming to start and everyone moved to their respective positions, waiting for the cue.
they were almost halfway done with the music video filming and nao managed to get through it without any hiccups. she had some solo shots to film but nothing involving colors so she didn't struggle with it.
despite her ambivalence regarding the song's theme, nao had to admit that she really liked the lyrics. when she read the lyrics, she couldn't help but think of a certain someone.
speaking of that certain someone, it was time for them to shoot the interlude part of the song and she happened to be paired up with miho.
"get ready," miho says before the cameras started rolling. nao smiled in response thinking that miho meant to get ready for filming.
the group did the choreography in the open area and when it came to the part where the pairs are supposed to dance together, nao was caught by surprise when colors started to splash around her. she stared straight into miho's eyes for answers and the latter only replied with a grin.
"cut! let's do it again. this time, i want you guys to be more cheerful. that's the point of the song anyway," the director says and the girls answer in unison.
they started again and nao feels ecstatic as she takes a look around and see the outfits of the other members that together form a wonderful rainbow. she's glad that she's able to appreciate the mv's theme even though it's just temporary. despite this, nao still worries for miho because of the side effects of this weird give and take relationship.
once they reached the pair dance part, nao looked at miho seriously only to be answered with a smile. miho moved away and so did the other girls to give way for nao's solo part. admiring the colored view in front of her, nao stretched her arms unconsciously, trying her best to take in the current state of her colored world before it goes back to its usual lifeless state.
"-and cut! that was good, kosaka-san. even though i didn't ask for you to stretch your hands it ended up looking really nice on camera so we're keeping that in the final cut!" the director lets out a satisfied smile. "let's have a ten minute break before continuing."
as the rest of the group started to spread out, nao's shoulders slowly drop as she realizes that the color rush ends. at the corner of her eye, she sees her close friend approach her and she takes a mental note to reprimand miho.
"you're really born to be an idol, ichigo-chan," miho says in a joking tone. nao puffs her cheeks, "and why would you do that? we don't know for how long we'll be filming this time," she says in a scolding yet hushed tone.
"i don't know what you're talking about," miho shrugs.
"promise me you won't do this again when we're doing work," nao reaches for miho's wrist to stop her on her tracks.
"nao, you deserved to see that. it turned out well, right? i'm okay, don't worry about me."
"no, miho. you know how much it drains you. what if you suddenly faint in the middle of filming?"
"i won't let that happen," miho chuckles, "besides, seeing you happy makes it worth it."
nao doesn't reply and just gives miho a smile before shaking her head. someday she hopes that miho doesn't have to put her health at risk just for her to be able to see colors.
-
"let's give it our all today, too, okay?" their captain kumi says as she ends her customary speech. the rest of the group nod joyfully as they gathered closer and began chanting their cheer.
it's the first day of the much anticipated hiragana christmas 2018 concert and they're currently on standby for the concert to start.
as the group spread out, nao felt a light tap on her back and when she turned around to look, miho's wide smile greeted her.
"good luck," miho says as her eyes turn into slits.
"all the best," nao replies as she returns the smile.
at the first half of the concert, nao felt nervous but, at the same time, she feels happy to be performing in front of a crowd. however, something that manamo said earlier continues to bother her even though she tried to keep it at the back of her mind.
"hey guys, not to be a spoiler or anything but our fans seem to be coordinating with each other for our live to do something special during joyful love. they're calling it the joyful love project."
according to what manamo read, their fans seem to have something up their sleeves once they start performing the said song. manamo didn't get into the details even though she said she read almost everything but of course, she didn't want to spoil anything for the girls.
if nao had to guess, it would most likely be something related to the theme of the music video which was rainbows, which means it'll be something about colors.
nao lingers on the thought that they have such good fans but she can't even enjoy what they have prepared. she told this to miho before the concert and the latter assured her that she has her back.
knowing her friend, nao immediately scolded miho and told her off to not attempt to give nao a color rush during the concert. it's all because it takes a toll on miho's health and that she'll be tired throughout the concert.
but miho told her to not be such a worrywart before giving her a cheeky grin and walking away. now she can't stop worrying for miho and nao thinks that she should have just kept quiet and not said a thing to miho regarding her thoughts on the fan project.
as much as nao wants to be selfish about wanting to have a color rush, she can't find it in herself to let her friend push herself to the limits at such an important concert just so she could see colors for that few minutes. it would be a short-lived happiness that could take a huge toll on her friend's health and nao decides that it's not worth it.
she doubts miho would listen to her anyway. nao decides to put those thoughts that were plaguing her earlier aside and just enjoy the concert together with the members and fans, and soon enough, it's time for them to perform joyful love as they head into their respective positions.
nao, miho, and memi started singing their line as soon as joyful love played. they had wide smiles on their faces while looking over the sea of penlights in front of them.
the group continued to perform in front of their fans, anticipating what manamo said. right before the second chorus, the colors of the penlights suddenly changed and now, the girls are seeing a beautiful rainbow in front of them—all but one.
miho, trying to keep her tears from falling, looks over to nao who is clueless of what just happened. she closed her eyes and at the exact moment they sang the interlude part, nao's world turned into something brighter.
from a black and white stadium, nao is now looking at a colorful sight. her eyes wander around and she starts to take in every hue in front of her.
she admires the red lights. she stares for a long time to signal her tears to halt. she feels the warmth build up inside of her–a feeling so overwhelming she never thought she was capable of having.
she then turns her attention to the orange and she somehow feels that it is a sign of encouragement from their fans.
as she looks at the bright yellow lights, she thought she'd feel blinded but it was actually easy in the eyes. she felt so much energy fill her system as she savored more of the colors.
green was the shift from warm to cool and nao has never felt so secure. she looks back at how much she has grown and her development was all thanks to this group and their fans' neverending support.
now she beams upon the blue lights, a cold breeze to dry up the tears on her cheeks. she held her chin up and relished the different confidence she has right now.
lastly, she peers at the violet lights, a color that resonates to her. it was her own penlight color and she unconsciously lets the tears she held earlier to start falling again.
nao turned her head towards miho and she sees the latter give her a small smile despite looking like she was about to pass out. she returns the favor and keeps a mental note to herself to thank her friend for this.
the song ends and up next was a mc segment. the members who weren't involved quickly headed backstage and nao tries to find miho among the staffs and members.
“thank you,” nao quietly says as she went towards her friend who obviously looks more exhausted than the rest. “you really didn't have to–“ miho cuts nao off by putting her finger in front of the latter’s face.
“i don't want to hear it,” miho says in between her breaths, “it's just unfair how someone like you who brings color to other people's life,” her voice trails off, “can't even enjoy it yourself.”
upon hearing this, nao's lips curve into a small smile, causing the tears she's been keeping at the edge of her eyes to flow down her cheeks. “that’s why i'm grateful for you, miho. you helped me see what a colored world looks like. you're literally the one who colored my life.”
“no, nao,” miho smiles, "i might be the one who lets you see colors physically but honestly, even those times where you couldn't see colors physically, it felt as if your world was colored right?" nao nods her head in agreement as her smile widens. indeed, after joining the group, there was a change from the younger nao who always wondered why she couldn't get to see colors. if she could, the current nao would thank younger nao for deciding to go through with the auditions back then.
because right now, living in monochrome is okay for kosaka nao as long as she has her members and miho together with her.