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James sighed slightly closing his eyes for a fraction of a second before the light turned green and he had to concentrate on driving again. He felt tiered, traffic had been hell all day and the rainstorm outside didn’t help, all he wanted to do was curl up under his covers and forget the world. But he couldn’t Salomé, who was babbling happily to herself in the backseat, deserved a proper christmas, even if she didn’t know what exactly that was yet. He had to do this, it didn’t matter that he felt like a mountain of weariness that steadily piled up since the world-cup had finally collapsed on his head or that he dreaded being in his cold house, so perfectly decorated, so foreign even after months. Usually it didn’t matter, Salomé filled the place with life and he was rarely alone anyway. He had always found his home in people rather than places. He shouldn’t think like this anyway, he was a father and that was his most important job, he had time with his daughter, what more could he ask for? Nothing. Besides they after only a few month it was stupid to think that they would spend christmas together. He was just too emotional for his own good, got attached too quickly, it was probably good that they wouldn’t see each other for a few days. He had to keep his head straight, focused, this was Real Madrid after all and he had Salomé to care for. She needed him and his full attention especially now, far away from home, with her mother only around infrequently. They managed to get along fine mostly, the divorce hadn’t been bitter, just a realization that having a kid together was no substitute for love, but arranging a schedule that suited them both was still a struggle. He offered Daniela to pay for an apartment in Madrid, but she was was too proud and independent for that, it wouldn’t be right anyway, she deserved to live her dreams after having spend so many years allowing him to fulfill his. It was still hard, actually no heartbreaking to know he hurt his little girl, even if he knew he had done the right thing. Sometimes the weight of that seamed to suffocate him even more that the relentless pressure to perform, to always be better that yesterday. It was just that…even though that thing between them, he is hesitant to call it anything concrete, has only been going on for a few months…Toni is. Just Toni, really, but thats enough to make everything a little easier. A little warmer.
God he misses him already. Stupid heart. Toni was probably busy in Germany and not even thinking about him and why would he? Christmas was a time to be spend with family, it was hardly Tonis Problem that his parents couldn’t make it until after new years. So lost in though he almost drove past his Gate, his car skidding slightly on the wet concrete as he had to make a sharp turn. Salomé giggled enthusiastically in the back and he couldn’t help but smile at the sound. „We’re home“ he announced a little more cheerful than he felt, stopping the car. Apparently he had left the lights on again. Lately he really was glad his head was attached to his body. Lifting Salomé out of her seat he flung her around a little making her shriek in delight as she wrapped her tiny arms around his neck. Stopping he just held her tiny body close, simply inhaling her scent, reveling in the comfort. Somehow seeing his house illuminated, deceivingly welcoming, made it so much harder to enter.
„Come on, book“ He chuckled lightly at his daughter impeccable memory, he had promised to read to her at home, when she was unwilling to leave Sergios house. „Of course we can..“ Really it was time he got himself in the kitchen and fixed them something that resembled a festive dinner but one picture book couldn’t hurt. Books had been such a comfort in his own life that he loved that he had begun reading her bedtime stories long before she could follow them and by now it was their daily ritual. Once inside the warmth, he fumbled with jackets and boots awkwardly, what had always looked effortless when Daniela did it, always turned into a scene of chaos at his hands. Thankfully his daughter had the patience of a buddhist monk. Though as soon as he was finished she sprinted ahead of him into the living-room. Strangely enough he heard her yell something that sounded suspiciously like „Pony…Daddy…a Pony“ He didn’t even have to enter the room to understand why; a pretty much life-sized, grey toy pony was practically blocking the doorway. It looked scarily real, thankfully he was certain that no real animal would remain motionless while a toddler was hugging its legs. He briefly wondered where the thing came from until he discarded this, a gift of this size, and straight to his house, red bow around its neck, that just had to be Cristianos doing. Salomé had stopped hugging the horse and was instead pulling at his trouser. „Up…Up“ she demanded. Of course. Only after he had lifted his daughter onto the pony, he noticed something else off about the room, the floor surrounding the christmastree was covered in something white, it looked vaguely like flour but their baking extravaganza couldn’t possibly have spread that far and even if there was no explanation for the candles being lit. This was strange, a little creepy even, though he doubted a serial killer would go through all this trouble, some might be mental enough to do it.
Even the presents were neatly arranged under the three and he thought he could smell something cooking in the kitchen. He should never have told Cristiano that he was alone this christmas, he probably send an army of staff over to do this. It was nice, though he couldn’t help feeling stupid, like he came across so helpless that he wouldn’t even manage to put together a nice christmas for his daughter. Of course he knew he wasn’t as self-assured, streetwise or used to fame as most of his teammates were but that didn’t mean he was completely hopeless. „Pony“ Salomé excitedly bounced up and down on the toy, having a toddler around didn’t allow much time to ponder, still he had to find out exactly what was going on here, to shake off that slightly uneasy feeling. „Princess, can we take a break? I have to look for something, we can go back riding afterwards, okay?“ He suggested using his most winning smile, knowing very well that the effect on his daughter was practically nonexistent. „No“ Predictably his daughter shook her head decisively. „Salomé, I can’t let you stay here by yourself, but it won’t take long“ Her lip quivered a little as she looked up at him and he had to restrain himself from giving in. „Come on, you can ride on my shoulders“ he offered instead, lifting her up. Once his daughter was seated safely he ventured further into the living room, but apart from the area around the three nothing seemed amiss. In the kitchen however, meat of some kind, was roasting in the oven, two pots one filled with some sort of dumplings, one with red cabbage, were sitting on the stove, obviously in order to stay warm. „Take me out of the oven at half past seven“ it said on a post it stuck to the oven door, in a neat but unfamiliar handwriting. Guest-room, Salomé’s bedroom and the bathroom were dark and undisturbed but the light in his room was turned on, as if calling him. It seemed as chaotic as he left it but there was a postcard on his nightstand.
Hi, I am sorry if you think some crazy killer stalker broke in, it was just me, I want you and Salomé to have the perfect christmas, I know you are a great dad and you are capable of doing all this yourself but just for tonight relax, Santa did all the work…I know this might be too much and I am overstepping here…But if you do want me around just give me a call but really, you don’t need to feel obliged, I just want you and Salomé to enjoy yourselves…
I love you
Merry christmas.
Toni
Unconsciously James pulled his daughter down cuddling her against his chest again, fighting the tears threatening to spill. Fuck. He was such an idiot. How did he? How could he deserve something like this? Someone so selfless and kind. Someone who somehow despite all his failings as a partner, he was shy, insecure, needy…a dad, loved him and not just him, he might not have said it in his letter, but his actions clearly showed how much he cared about his daughter. „Daddy…“ Salomé struggled slightly against his hug. „Pony“ He laughed through his his tears not quite able to believe this…That he should be so lucky. After everything. „Lets go downstairs“ He had to stop himself from actually running down the stairs, he had left his mobile in the kitchen. Telling himself he didn’t want Toni to hear his shaky voice he just send him a text asking him to come over. Deep down he was just frightened this would still turn out to be some sort of giant misunderstanding. Or maybe he would just wake up to a cold rainy christmas day. Salomé bounced on his hip, silently telling him to move. He allowed her to ride, imitating the clatter of hoofs an even a whinny, the thighs you did once you had kids, but he could only distract her from the christmastree for so long.
Of course she had seen it before, but lit up in the dark it looked completely magical. Allowing her to drag him towards the huge fir, he noticed Toni even took time to create footsteps in the snow, he swallowed hard trying not to look at his daughter delighted face. „Lights…“ Of course he couldn’t help it, hoisting her onto his leg so she could see better. „Candles, beautiful aren’t they?“ Obviously entranced his daughter just nodded still beaming up at the illuminated tree. Gently he sat her back down, so he could light the fireplace. It was the least he could do after everything Toni did. It felt pretty inadequate. So he wasn’t tempted to constantly check his phone and because, patience was mostly a foreign concept to a toddler, he started opening presents with Salomé, showing her the footprints „Santa“ had left. He was so engrossed in telling her the story that he barely noticed how the front door was being unlocked and someone entered the living-room, nonetheless Toni’s soft „Hello“ didn’t startle him like he expected it to. He didn’t get the chance to react properly either because Salomé jumped up and ran towards Toni yelling his name happily. She had adored him instantly and that had grown into genuine affection. Seeing them together never failed to reduce to a completely sappy mess, so he just kept quiet and watched. He wasn’t sure how to put into words all the things he wanted to say to Toni anyway, speaking had never been one of his strengths and it was so important that Toni understood how much all this meant to him but also how it felt like almost too much. Giving up, so completely frightened him. For now he scrambled himself up and just pulled Toni into a tight hug whispering a „Thank you“ in his ear, just allowing himself to enjoy his his familiar solid frame against his own for a moment.
Toni just flashed him a shy slightly apologetic smile before focusing his attention on Salomé again. Soon they were both settled on the floor watching her show off her presents, exchanging smiles and the occasional gentle touches. At some point he got up to get the food, simply filling plates and setting them down on the coffee-table, the stuffiness of the formal dining room felt completely wrong right now. Toni used hands and feet to explained to Salomé what everything was and he had too much fun laughing at his attempts to be much help. Thy both tried to draw her a deer though, his looked like a Giraffe with very short legs where as Tonis vaguely resembles a a sheep in leopard print. Thank god for his national geographic subscription, he wouldn’t want his daughter to think deer had mile log neck or wool. Of course Salomé goes to bed way to late and it takes five picture-books and two lullabies to send her to sleep, but she drifts of with a smile snuggled against his chest holding Tonis fingers in her tiny hands. Carefully he untangles himself, making sure she is tucked in warmly enough and has everything important in reach. Toni however just stares at him helplessly, not daring to move or speak. He grins reminded of how he would lay frozen underneath her scared the slightest movement would disturb her slumber. Carefully he loosened Salomés grip on Toni taking his hand to help him out of the bed. Despite knowing that only a full blown argument would wake his daughter up at this point he stays silent as he leads Toni back downstairs. Its still tricky to find the right things to say and he is afraid of destroying everything with his worries. It was stupid really, he was a grown-up, with a kid and a job, he should feel so insecure…just because…he loves Toni and he wanted so badly to get things right.
So he does the logical thing and heads into the kitchen to clean up. He never said he was good at this. Of course, Toni being he simply helps without complaining. It’s ridiculous he is acting like they are virtual stranger when they have done things in this very kitchen…that are enough to make him blush at the thought. He still lacks the words but Toni looks just as nervous as he feels and that helps, he adored his calmness but sometimes he felt it made his many fears more apparent. „I can’t believe you did all this…“ he mumbled smiling. Its still seemed surreal up until now someone staying the night was highlight or romance (there was hardly space for grand gestures in illicit affairs and rushed hook-ups). Though the thing that touched him wasn’t just the work Toni put into this, or even how carefully he listened to Salomé and had gotten her another one of the Petterson Books she loved so much, it was his selflessness, he hadn’t done this to get into his pants, or win brownie points, he had simply known what he and Salomé needed…and he would have even stayed home alone and allowed them to celebrate as a family. „James…did I…Did I overdo it? I mean I know christmas is for families and it is way to early for us to spend it together, I know all that, but I still wanted to…I know, we have not been together all that long and there are lot of things we can’t do together, but you and Salomé already mean so much to me…I love you and I“ It was so endearing watching his usually composed boyfriend ramble he was tempted to just let him go on and on instead he reached up placing a hand on his cheek to silence him. „You didn’t, I don’t care what things are meant to be like…I want you here, if I act stupid, its because I am a little overwhelmed by all this“ The last thing he had expected was to fall in love with a teammate and have his feelings reciprocated…He had told himself it would be all about football and Salomé from now on. But he had seen how happy his daughter was in Toni’s company and how he himself relaxed and just enjoyed to moment instead of fretting, after all he had broken up with Daniela because he didn’t want Salomé to grow up with parents who weren’t in love with each other, he wanted her to know that she should be with the person she loved, that made her happy, no matter who that would be. Now it’s Toni pulling him closer until his body is pressed flush against his and all he can, see, hear, smell and feel, is him. Instinctively he closes his eyes, lips grazing the soft skin of his neck. „I want you around Toni…I really do“ That he was rubbish at expressing these things didn’t mean they weren’t true.
„I know…I am just not usually this, well fast, I mean my gran even knitted you a sweater“ His grandmother knitted something for him?! „You told your grandmother about us?“ Stupid question, really the woman wouldn’t randomly knit for him. He leaned back a little to study Tonis face, smiling softly at his flushed cheeks, sometimes he was too cute. „Yes…well I know I should have asked, but we’re really close and I wanted her to know..She is pretty fit but she is almost ninety“ „It’s okay, I’m not mad, just surprised…and offended show me my present immediately“ he demanded giggling, suddenly ridiculously happy. How could he not be? Yes his worries, the stress, all that pressure would return but right now none of that mattered. „Oh impatient are we? Who is the toddler in the house again?“ Toni teased. „Oh come on…If you let me see my gift, you’ll get dessert“ he replied with an exaggerated pout. „Dessert? Oh you’re right I left some chocolate pudding in the fridge“ Toni replied with an indifferent shrug. „Oh well if its just the pudding you want“ he winked and made a rather halfhearted attempt to escape Tonis embrace. Toni just pushed him against the fridge capturing his lips. He grinned into the kiss, burying a hand in his soft hair, maybe the chocolate pudding could wait a little. „No dessert then?“ he whispered against Tonis lips, allowing his Hand to slip under his shirt, lightly stroking the soft skin he found. He gets a low laugh and a possessive Hand palms his ass. Its embarrassing but that is enough to have him rub his growing erection against Toni groin. God he was needy but least Toni felt just as hot against him. He had intended to just tease his boyfriend a little, now he was hastily trying to unbutton his shirt, any coherent thoughts rapidly leaving his brain. He just wanted more. Everything. Toni.
******
Later they are snuggled together on the couch, the fire burning, the christmastree relit, Its such a cliché it should be sickening. It felt completely right. Even the sweater, fits and it’s surprisingly soft an cosy. Yes he was aware that his worries and doubts would return, they were just part of his personality and not even Tonis utter calmness could change that. But his mere presence, the feel of his body pressed against his, made him feel comfortable enough to accept his fears and let them go, at least occasionally. It was strange, he had always craved that all consuming love, had thought that to be really in love you had to feel dependent on someone, yes he had missed Toni but he would have been okay without him. He was just so much better with him. „You know Sergio wanted me to get a snow-machine and real reindeers“ Toni chuckled lightly pulling him even closer. „You had Ramos in on this?!“ God he was lucky his christmas hadn’t turned out like a cross between disney-world and a porno. „I needed someone to get you out of the house“ Of course he should have known something was up when Sergio asked him to help him with Pilars christmas present, what the hell did he know about woman's jewelry? „Thanks I had to spend an hour looking at twos practically identical sets of earrings“ He pouted earning a playful slap from Toni. „Hey be a little more grateful young man“ „Of course Santa“ He replied trying hard to look remorseful. Toni just pulled him closer resting his head in the crook of his neck. „We should go to bed…“ Toni had a point but he didn’t feel like moving a muscle. „Carry me up the stairs?“ he murmured not even bothering to open his eyes. „Excuse me? I was under the impression you had two working legs…or did those things wrapped around me earlier not belong to you?“ Toni was just teasing but he still managed to send a shiver down his spine. „I had my legs wrapped around you?“ he asked feigning innocence. „Oh yes…you did, pulling me closer, you wanted me so bad didn’t you? More…harder…please? Wasn’t that what you said?“ Toni whispered into his ear, lips brushing his neck. Fuck. „You better be up for a second round..“ he growled rolling on top of Toni for a kiss. „Lets go upstairs“ At least he seemed prepared to finish what he started. „Forget it, I am not explaining to my daughter why her daddy is yelling ‚Please Toni, fuck me harder‘“ Toni just snorted and slapped him lightly on the head „Get on with it then“ Oh he would.