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The first time Tian meets Phupha, he doesn’t recognize who he is.
Tul did mention that he has a half brother named Phupha around ten years older than them. But at eight years old, Tian didn’t really think to pay attention to that. A brother ten years older than them at the time is way past the age he’d thought someone could be cool, so he simply nodded when Tul showed him their family picture and left it at that. More fascinated and excited by the diy kite set that he’d brought over to make with Tul.
Since he’s met Tul when he was eight, he always thought that he’d see his older brother somewhere down the line. Tian made it his mission to be Tul’s closest friend after all and that he did. In the ten years Tian and Tul have known each other he’s never even seen Phupha - only heard of him through Tul or his dad.
From what Tian’s heard from them, the stories almost always paint Phupha as someone who was too good to be true. Self-sacrificial and never willing to spend time on himself. More than once has he had to pull Tul out of a funk once he learns that Phupha decided to use his vacation days on various environmental protests or volunteering at a local animal shelter yet again.
Despite the fact that they don’t seem to meet each other often, Tul always seemed to admire his older brother. Tian’s sure they kept in contact somehow but he never bothered to ask. Tul says the occasional bits about his brother’s life here and there, what he does as a park ranger and the amount of national parks he’s worked at and occasionally complains about how he never comes home but besides that? Nothing.
Tian would forget that Tul even had an older if there wasn’t a large family picture framed right above their television in the living room.
So, when he enters Tul’s house haphazardly like he’s always done since they’ve moved in next door, he stops and walks back out just to see if he entered the right house.
Then he takes a deep breath, using his phone to send a quick message filled with misspellings to Tul that says something about a hot stranger in his house. Before he goes in again, Tian embarrassingly checks his reflection on his phone, fiddling and arranging his hair in a way that looks less like he just woke up from a nap and more windswept.
The second time Tian sees Phupha doesn’t go any better.
This time, when Tian enters the house he takes a quick look at the obnoxious family picture, trying to spot the similarities between the tall guy situated behind Tul and the stranger across the room.
Phupha is still the same shirtless hot guy across the room he saw forty seconds prior but instead of being thoroughly focused on downing his energy drink, his arms are crossed across his broad chest. He’s leaning against the kitchen, staring Tian down, doing favours in showing off his unreasonably perfect body while simultaneously doing terrible things to Tian’s focus.
Tian clears his throat and gets a narrowed eye glare in return. A little bit intimidated, he looks up at the ceiling and takes another deep breath. Slow footsteps sound out across the room as Phupha walks closer. “Are you going to introduce yourself anytime soon or should I call the police.” he calls out.
Tian flushes, forced to look back down to make a face at Phupha in reply. He’s absurdly big up close, almost giant if he were to exaggerate details. But Tian doesn’t know if it’s just because he feels kind of cowed by Phupha’s sheer presence or his libido wanting him to think that the guy was bigger than he thought, so he promptly puts a halt to those thoughts.
Phupha raises his eyebrows again and Tian lets out a huff. Kind of an asshole. But he’s an asshole who could or could not be Tul’s brother and may or may not be making a point so he just mutters out an answer, “Tian.”
There’s a pensive hum, then Phupha asks, “Tian? Tul’s friend, right?”
“Yes. And you?” Tian raises his chin, if only to reduce their height difference just a little bit. Phupha smirks, tilting his head to the side. Again, Tian looks away lest he lets out a sound he wouldn't be proud of. His blush, if possible, gets even worse until he has to fake a cough and take a tiny step back, licking his lips. Some distance would do him some good.
“Phupha. His older brother.” Phupha replies, amused.
“Shouldn’t you be in school, kid?” As if done with the conversation, Phupha turns, grabs a discarded shirt thrown on the nearby couch and pulls it on, slouching against the back of the seat.
With that distraction gone, Tian takes a second to sneer at Phupha’s back before following his lead to sit on the couch. “I’m not a kid. I’m eighteen. The same age as your brother. Unless you don’t know your own brother’s age.”
Phupha gives him a blank look, “Eighteen year olds are kids.”
“Just because I’m not ancient like you-” he pauses, resulting in petty insults isn’t exactly mature either. “Being eighteen does not make me a kid. I’ve had a lot on my plate, you don’t know me.” Tian shoots back, folding his arms. He considers kicking Phupha just because he’s being annoying but he’s only known the guy for five minutes max and he doesn’t think they’re at that point yet.
Maybe at the twenty-minute mark.
“No? So, you’re not the same Tian that’s gotten my younger brother in trouble for the past ten years?”
Tian shuts up, pursing his lips.
It’s not like he sets out looking for trouble in the first place. If anything they find him. Sure, his short temperament for anything that’s not remotely fair doesn’t help but if people just took the time to be decent in the first place then maybe he wouldn’t have to resort to such means. Tul doesn’t exactly try to stop him either, if anything, he backs him up.
“You still don’t know me.” he pouts, counting down the minutes until Tul gets home from after-school activities. Why the hell did he have to sign up for the tennis club anyway. If he hadn’t, maybe Tian could have made a better impression. He would have been more prepared at least.
For some reason that response finally gets a small smile to show up on Phupha’s face and oh.
If Phupha being shirtless already had Tian feeling like he had to take several deep breaths just to get his heart to start working again, seeing him smile, makes Tian choke on nothing right on the spot. It’s unfair how much a simple smile could change a whole person’s demeanor that much. Downright disarming.
Maybe it was good that Phupha never smiled up until now, if he did, Tian wouldn’t be sure he’d even be able to form whole sentences.
Tian looks at the clock, notes down the twenty minutes that’s passed since he’s met Phupha and tries to deliver a light kick to his thigh from across the couch. But before it even lands, it’s stopped with a firm grip and yet another stern look from Phupha. Tian feels the flush that’s taken permanent resident on his face get even deeper at getting caught. “You’re annoying.”
“You are too.” Phupha drops his foot, then pointedly looks back at Tian’s foot and face as if trying to drive the point that he’s immature enough to be a kid even further. Tian wriggles his toes and gives him a cheeky grin in return. If Phupha already thinks of him as a kid, he might as well live up to it.
Phupha rolls his eyes, sighing. “What are you even doing here.”
“I’m waiting for-”
The door slams and there’s an abrupt shuffling noise as someone aggressively tries to take off their shoes. Tian looks up to see Tul, dropping his bag and pulling his coat off. Then, “Tian! What do you mean there’s a hot stranger in my house, no one’s supposed to be here!”
Tul finally looks up from where he’s successfully detangled himself from his clothes and lets out another yell, “Phupha!”
Phupha stands up and grins, opening his arms for a hug. Again, unfair. Tian’s talked to him for a whole twenty five minutes and he hasn’t grinned like that at all. “Tul!”
Tul crashes into his arms and starts rambling excitedly about how early Phupha is and how long he’s staying. Over his shoulder, Phupha makes eye contact with Tian and smirks, mouthing the words ‘hot stranger’.
Tian flips him the bird.
The first time Tian meets Phupha, absolutely nothing goes well.
///
In the three years that follow, Phupha becomes a more frequent presence whenever he could spare the time. His visits increased to every other holiday to the absolute delight of both Tul and his father. Still not a lot by any means, but more than what Tian has seen of him in the past ten years. Phupha and Tul must have had a conversation that day because Tul’s grumbling about Phupha’s absence reduces, in its place, is his rambling at Tian about Phupha’s next visit.
Of course, Phupha and Tian never seem to get along well.
Honestly, Tian didn’t think he made that bad of a first impression. Phupha even treated him normally the next time they met, under better (read: Tul and his dad being there) circumstances. But something about Phupha’s general existence made Tian constantly want to contradict him, so they always end up butting heads. Even if it’s over something mundane, Tian always feels the need to argue about it if it’s Phupha.
Their fights are never serious, but they’re always petty and loud enough to warrant both the attention of Tian’s parents, Tul and his dad. Tian’s dad always gives him a knowing look that makes him way more conscious than he’d like to be while Tul always looks way too pleased when he sees them bickering as if it was a sign that they get along well.
During this time, Tian takes a gap year before he eventually goes to a local college taking engineering courses chosen for him by his mom because he literally lacks the passion to decide what else he’d like to go for. Tul forgoes school entirely for those three years, trying to save up some money for university by working several part-time jobs.
Unlike Tian, Tul hasn’t always had the funds to do what he’d like. He remembers what it was like struggling on a single parent’s paycheck until his dad got promoted and seems resolute in never experiencing it again. It doesn’t matter that his dad has a well-paying job now and that he’s probably set aside some money for his schooling, Tul worked and worked to make sure he’d be able to pay for rent and external school fees without imposing on his dad.
When he finally decides to go to university, Tian decides to switch majors.
He made the decision to go to a local college because he had no idea what to do yet but he’d wanted to build some course credits in the time span it would take for him to know what he’d like to do. While there, Tian had the opportunity to take a couple of education major classes as electives and liked it enough to decide to switch both his majors and to a university.
Both of them eventually choose to go to a relatively remote university known for the programs they’re both interested in, thinking that it would be easier to get an apartment together rather than use the dorms. At first neither of their parents really wanted either of them to go, wanting to keep them close for the sake of making communication easier but technology exists.
And more importantly, Phupha’s park ranger job has taken him to a national park that’s a mere hour drive from their university.
If there was any more convincing that Tian’s parents needed in order to let him go along with Tul and move there, instead of making the lengthy drive every day - it was the idea that Phupha; older, responsible, all-around ideal son that he is, also lives there.
From there, seeing Phupha goes from a once or twice yearly thing to an almost weekly thing which Tian could never have been prepared for. If he thought his appreciation for Phupha faded into dust after their first meeting, he clearly didn’t know himself well enough.
It was one thing to see Phupha during the holidays because those meetings were brief.
Tian never truly got to appreciate him beyond ‘hey there’s my best friend’s hot annoying brother’ because Phupha never stayed long enough for Tian to get to know him beyond that. He always got to know Phupha in relation to Tul and his dad. There weren’t a lot of times where they got to be alone together to discuss anything beyond their consistent arguments or how his job was going because Tian always felt he’d be intruding in the rare moments their family had together.
So really, Tian never thought his feelings would develop beyond visual appreciation.
But now, Phupha was in Tul and Tian’s shared apartment weekly being an all-around pain in the ass.
“Do either of you even know how to cook?” Phupha asks, looking at the takeout boxes piling up in their trash can.
Tul sat at the dining table across, absorbed in the last-minute twenty page paper that he had due that night, waves a hand over his head, pulling a pair of headphones over his head to tune his older brother out. Phupha switches gears, turning his attention to Tian in the other seat. He directs a single raised eyebrow, gesturing to the trash can with his chin.
Tian crosses his arms, raising his chin. “Yep. All the time.”
They don’t.
Not for lack of trying. Tian tried to make pancakes once. A lot of cooking blogs said it was one of the easiest breakfast meals to prepare. Tian, inspired by the new bout of freedom given to him by living away from his parents for once, immediately tried to make it.
Long story short, he’d somehow manage to make the pancake tough, raw, and filled with eggshells all at once. Tul, not wanting to be another horror story at cooking didn’t even try.
Phupha shakes his head, looking at the rice cooker still wrapped in plastic tucked into the corner of the kitchen. Then he opens the fridge, pointedly staring at the abundance of beer, take-out coffee cups, and sheer lack of food. He closes it with a heavy sigh and opens the cupboards to see a bunch of unused plates and a couple of mismatched mugs.
He looks back at Tian, a slight frown taking over his face.
“All the time.” Tian insists, through gritted teeth, despite all the evidence around their apartment proving him a liar.
Phupha’s expression shifts, then Tian’s greeted with another one of those little amused smiles that Phupha only gives him when he thinks he’s being particularly immature. Tian presses his lips together, stands up and pushes Phupha aside. He pointedly grabs a frying pan from a nearby cabinet and turns his back towards Phupha, hoping that the flush he feels creeping up on his face doesn’t reach the tip of his ears.
“I’ll prove it, I can make eggs.” Tian says, nonchalant.
He hasn’t even tried. Besides incorporating it into the pancakes, Tian just bought the eggs thinking it would pair well with the dish if he fried it but he gave up on the idea not too soon after. He hasn’t touched it since his last cooking attempt.
Tian turns on the stove, then stands still for a good thirty seconds, not even knowing where to begin. When he finally decides to make a move towards the fridge to grab some eggs, deciding to just fuck it, a slight thud sounds to his right. He turns his head to see Phupha sliding a bottle of olive oil right next to him. Tian nods his thanks and tries to pretend that this isn’t the first time he’s had to open the bottle.
Phupha also places the carton of eggs beside it with a quiet laugh that Tian will simply pretend he did not hear.
“Wait for the pan to heat up before you pour it,” Phupha says, moving closer to Tian.
Tian jumps, not expecting to hear the deep voice right next to his ear. He nods to himself, trying to focus on making sure the eggs turn out fine and not at the heated presence of Phupha practically pressed to his side. Then winces when he finally pours the oil on the pan, only for it to crackle and nearly touch his skin.
A large hand presses against the small of his back, gently patting it in comfort. Tian blushes even deeper, letting out a muted sigh before biting his lip. He mutters a quiet thanks, leaning back into the touch when the oil begins to pop as he cracks the eggs over the pan. Tian settles down when the loud bursts of noise from the overheated oil finally becomes less frequent, relishing in the Phupha’s reassuring touch.
Of course, right after Tian thinks that, Phupha pulls away and Tian has to restrain himself from asking why.
Then the salt and pepper shaker come into his field of vision and Tian almost presses a hand over his face. Right, he still had to prove that he could do this. At this point, it’s blatantly obvious that Tian doesn’t know how to cook so he just gives up, staring at Phupha wordlessly over his shoulder.
Phupha smirks, “What do you say when you need help?”
Tians rolls his eyes so hard, it kind of feels like it’ll be stuck in that position. He’s sorely tempted to just mess up the seasoning and force Phupha to eat it, because Tian knows he would. He’s seen him finish Tul’s food when he’d had enough because it would be a waste not to. But, Tian actually wants to learn because he’s sick and tired of take-out food.
So, he sucks it up, reluctantly saying, “Please.”
Phupha ruffles his hair with a laugh, “Good job.”
Tian makes a face, ignoring the sound of his heart beating harder in his chest.
///
The problem with having Tul as a best friend who’s known you all of his life is that he won’t let you make bad decisions that will actually affect your health. Especially if you have a shitty heart problem and he’s the guy who’s had to pick you up while you were busy getting wasted at college parties. He knew Tul didn’t particularly like that he got so wasted, knew that if he just drank enough to get a little bit tipsy - it would amount to having the same numbing effect without the hangover or Tul getting angry at him the next day.
But, he’s not particularly concerned about his own health.
Tian should have known that there would be a day where Tul wouldn’t be the one picking him up, not when the last time he did it, he said, “Tian, the next time you do this, I will call my brother on you.”
When he said it, Tian laughed it off.
The following day, he even wondered if Tul said it at all. As far as he knew, there’s no way Phupha would actually go out of his way to pick up a stupid college student from an annoying party. Even if he did kind of hope that Phupha thought of him as someone more than Tul’s pain in the ass best friend, the reality is, for someone like Phupha that’s all he’d probably amount to.
And that’s the last thought Tian has, as he gets hammered at the next party he goes to.
When he calls Tul to ask for a ride, the call gets picked up within two rings. He sends the address to Tul like he always does, then before the call ends, there’s a heavy sigh and Tul says, “Tian, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Tian couldn’t think about what that warning could mean for too long because not too soon after, he pukes in a nearby bush. He barely summons the strength to find an unoccupied washroom, to gargle some mouthwash and spare Tul of his rancid breath before he’s back out at the porch, lounging against one of the posts. A couple of people offer him a blunt, but he merely spares a minute shake of his head before they leave him alone.
The party is still going strong behind him, with the occasional yell sounding out amongst the thumping of the music. Tian briefly considers taking a nap on the ground that’s become more and more appealing as he waits for Tul, when his name gets called out by someone who’s definitely not Tul and should definitely not be at this party.
“Tian!”
When he looks up, it’s to see Phupha’s handsome face staring at him in worry. Tian, too tired to force his face into the scowl he usually has with Phupha around, offers him a wide smile, reaching his arms out to be pulled up. Phupha takes them and probably tries to pull him up gently but Tian still lands on his chest with a loud oof.
He tries to stand up but his legs shake and before he knows it, he’s sat on the ground, looking up at Phupha in a way that he could only assume was pitiful because Phupha was shaking his head again, muttering. “You’re such a handful.”
And then, Tian’s body is upended and he’s very tempted to gag for a minute until he realizes that Phupha’s picked him up. His arms sliding against the back of his knees and behind his head to support him. If Tian was more sober, he’d probably demand Phupha to put him down from what was essentially a bridal carry because he’s not helpless.
But as it stands Tian can barely stay upright so he just shuts up, looking up at Phupha through his lashes to mutter a soft thanks. Phupha quirks his lips, giving him another one of his small smiles. Different from the sort of condescending one he spares when Tian is being childish. It’s the one he often reserves for the rare moments when Tian’s done something particularly endearing.
He doesn’t know how he’s gotten to the point of accurately telling Phupha’s rare moments of expression apart. The guy’s difficult as fuck to read, so Tian really must have paid some serious attention to his face. At that thought, Tian tries to quell the fluttering feelings in his stomach.
A couple of minutes go by with neither of them speaking. Tian focuses on the sound of Phupha’s feet scraping against the gravel as he walks closer and closer to the parking lot where he’s left his car to avoid another bout of nausea. Then he hums, taking a moment to relish in the strong grip around his thighs and his back.
Tian nuzzles closer to Phupha’s chest, trying very hard not to drool. Phupha’s heart beats steady under Tian’s ear, listening to it pulls him closer and closer to falling asleep. Just as he’s about to, he manages to say. “You’re so strong, I wish I was as strong as you are.”
Phupha pauses in his steps, looking down. “It sort of comes with the job.”
Tian is quickly roused from his attempt to sleep. He didn’t think Phupha would respond and Tian’s tempted to look up just to see if Phupha is smiling at him again, but his head kind of hurts so he just leans against Phupha’s chest, trying to calm the pulsing in his head.
The moment passes and Phupha resumes his walk, gently shifting his arms so he supports more of Tian’s back.
Tian knows he’s not exactly short or light so he reaches up and hooks his arms around Phupha’s neck, hoping that it would make things easier for him. Again, Phupha pauses, directs a stare to the sky before heaving a great sigh and continuing his trek.
As they get further and further away from the house party, the heavy bass sounds of the music dampens until it fades out entirely. Smacking his lips together, Tian feels the overwhelming need to fill the silence even more, so he says. “I don’t just mean the muscles, although those are very nice too.” he closes his eyes. “You’ve got a strong heart. I wish I had a strong heart, instead I got this shitty one.”
Another shift and Tian looks up to see Phupha frowning as he says, “Who told you that?”
Tian shakes his head as much as he can, stopping when he feels his head start to spin. The idea of someone telling him that hurts but it’s simply not possible. He’s never been in a relationship. Then he realizes he’s saying this all in his head and Phupha can’t exactly see him shaking his head with his gaze directed at the sidewalk, so he answers, “No one. I have a heart disease.”
If possible, Phupha’s frown gets even deeper. The furrow between his eyebrows further deepening until Tian reaches a finger out to poke it back until it goes back to normal. He nods to himself when he’s accomplished his mission, letting that arm fall limply against his stomach and leaning his head against Phupha’s chest yet again.
A few steps then, Phupha asks. “Are you supposed to be drinking?”
Tian shrugs as much as he can, “Probably not,” then because his filter isn’t working and he doesn’t realize how depressing it is that he’s saying this, he continues. “I’m going to die anyway, what does it matter.”
Phupha stops, his grip around Tian getting tighter and tighter until Tian’s forced to look up to complain just to see Phupha have the angriest look he’s ever seen on his face. Tian reaches his fingers up in an attempt to smooth them out again, but it stays like that until Phupha finally replies.
“Don’t say that. You matter, Tian.” Then he starts walking again, his grip loosening up around his shoulders into the steady hold he had before. His strides are longer this time, faster too. It jostles Tian a little bit, but he’s too distracted by the feeling of his heart trying it’s best to beat out of its chest to make any comments about it.
If the alcohol hasn’t already turned face red, he’s sure Phupha’s reply would’ve done it.
Tian realizes he’s let the silence linger for too long when Phupha lets out way too many sighs and before he could second guess himself, he reaches up, patting Phupha’s cheek as he finally replies, “Thank you, you matter too.”
At that Phupha let’s out a light laugh, pulling Tian who’s burying a fond grin closer to his chest into a tighter hug.
///
He thought it was a one-time thing.
It felt like it. A fever dream that was too good to be true. He woke up in his bed, tucked in, the next morning with a glass of water and a tablet of aspirin on his bedside table. It’s more than Tul would ever do, nowadays. Sure, it shows Phupha’s efforts in trying to take care of him. But that’s probably just because of the whole heart disease spiel Tian gave him the night before
Tul called Phupha on him because he’s called him one too many times and he wanted to give Tian a lesson. So honestly, when Tian goes to another party three days later, he thinks it’ll go back to normal. He’ll call Tul up and hear his complaints but ultimately he’ll show up and Tian can go back to having another way to feel bad about himself. Tul wouldn’t bother Phupha a second time.
There’s no way Phupha cares enough to pick him again, let alone actually have the time to pick Tian up from a frat party at an awful time in the morning. So, he gets drunk, shoots Tul another message asking for a pickup before he slouches against one of the only unoccupied corners in the living room of the house with a half-finished beer.
In a minute, he’ll stand up.
But the pulsing beats of the current song are too loud.
They make his head hurt even more than it already does and the sheer amount of people crammed into the small space makes for an awful combination of smells that finally pushes Tian to at least head to the porch, where he finds himself more often than not. He thinks back to the time Phupha picked him up, blushing when he realizes how much he’s revealed about himself in such a short amount of time.
Another reason as to why there’s no way Phupha would pick Tian up again- he probably doesn’t want to hear anything Tian has to say after that whole thing the last time he got drunk. He knows, he wouldn’t. Tian snorts to himself, pushing down the weird hopeful feeling in his chest at the thought of Phupha picking him up again. He takes another swig of his beer. “As if,”
Then, someone that sounds a lot like Phupha says. “Tian.”
“Oh my god, am I hearing stuff now?” Tian looks to his left, then his right. There’s no one outside right now, Tian knows because if there was, it would be ten times louder than it already was.
“I’m right in front of you.” Phupha says, taking the drink right out of Tian’s hand. “Enough of that. Let’s go, are you sober enough to walk?”
Tian scoffs, wobbling slightly as he tries to walk. “I can walk!”
“I parked the car close today, so you don’t have to walk that far. Don’t worry.” Phupha shakes his head, letting Tian lean on him as they crossed the road to get to the car. He opens the door for Tian, waiting patiently for him to slide in before he goes around the car to take the driver’s seat.
Tian hums, head already leaning against the cool glass of the window. “Thought you owned a motorcycle.”
“I do.” Phupha answers, starting the ignition. “I borrowed Tul’s car.”
Tian looks around, taking in the familiar surroundings. The dust on the dashboard, the worn-out bobblehead of a droopy looking dog stuck to the center and the scratch Tian’s left on the door from the last time Tul had to pick him up. Tian laughs to himself, “Right.”
When Phupha finally starts to drive, Tian says. “I thought you wouldn’t come.”
“I did.” Phupha says, “I will.” he later amends.
Tian smiles to himself, keeping his eyes closed, unable to take the blurring lights of the cars and houses as they pass by. He knows Phupha is a good person. He works as a park ranger for fuck’s sake and is passionate enough about it to actively make time out of his job and volunteer whenever he can. It’s a bit too much to be honest, Tian doesn’t know how he manages it.
It’s probably not good for him either.
“You don’t have to volunteer or work all the time you know.” Tian says, his words a little bit slurred due to his cheek being pressed against the window. “You could visit Tul and your dad. I know, they miss you. Why don’t you?”
Phupha sniffs, quietly maneuvering the steering wheel into a turn before he replies. “My mom passed away not too long after they married and I didn’t want to impose on him. We’re not physically related, he has no responsibility towards me.”
That’s stupid, Tian thinks to himself. He sits up, briefly brings his head up just to glare at Phupha from the side. There’s no way such a selfless person like Phupha could exist, there has to be a flaw somewhere and apparently Phupha’s flaw is his sheer and utter stupidity when it comes to anything remotely emotional.
Tian waits until Phupha finally looks to the side to check up on him when he says, “He still sees you as a son and Tul still sees you as his brother. So, maybe don’t assume how they feel about you before practically leaving for a decade?”
“You don’t know what you’re saying.” Phupha furrows his eyebrows.
He does it a lot. Often and so intensely that the line in between his brows are getting way too deep. Tian worries it’d never revert back but never voices that worry out loud. He would reach out to smooth them out again but he has a feeling Phupha wouldn’t appreciate it at the moment. Especially when he responded in such a harsh manner.
“Neither do you. So, how do you fix that? Talk to them.” Tian shoots back, not backing down. This wouldn’t be the first time he pushed for an argument with Phupha and it wouldn’t be the last. But this time, he knows he’s in the right. He’s spent enough holidays at Tul’s house due to his busy parents to know how it feels.
He glares and when they stop at a red light, Phupha finally relents, “I’m trying to do better.”
“Good, it’s not good to be alone.” Tian replies. Then, because the alcohol in his veins pushes him to be a little bit more reckless, he says. “You matter too, Phupha.”
Phupha lets out a short chuckle, reaching across the console to gently pat Tian’s head. “Thank you.”
At that, Tian nods, satisfied. He leans his head up against the window again and falls asleep, just like that.
///
Something shifts after that.
Tian doesn’t know how to describe it. Since he’s moved with Tul to their current apartment and spent more time with Phupha, he’s always been conscious of him. More than he’d ever like to admit, but he’d always thought it was one-sided. Feelings that would probably always be unrequited, painful and sweet until it eventually fades away.
But for the first time, since that, he feels as if he may have a chance.
At first, he’d thought Phupha may have only turned overprotective because of what he’d come to learn about Tian’s health. He was resolved to bring it up, angry at the thought of yet another person who thought that it was their responsibility to coddle him until he took care of himself better but he was quickly proven wrong when Phupha’s bouts of concern only extended to when Tian absolutely drove himself to his lowest, never restricting him.
It comes when he has to pick Tian up from where he’s gotten wasted yet again, when Tian makes another self-deprecating remark about his health, when Tian spirals down and acts out in borderline self-destructive behaviour in interests that he’s passionate about. Phupha is patient and straightforward, tells Tian directly that the reason why he showed his concern is not because he thought Tian could not take care of himself, but rather because he cared about him even at times when Tian, himself, didn’t.
Tian grows and takes comfort in Phupha’s steadfast presence, relying on him in ways he thought he never could. He opens up whenever he’s feeling down and Phupha is there for him in all the ways that he could be. His appreciation for Phupha gets deeper and eventually, Tian stops trying to actively destroy his liver whenever he feels bad and instead goes to Phupha to talk about it.
His thoughts regarding Phupha start to seem less and less temporary. Beginning with a thought to himself, about how cute it was that Phupha had such a vested interest in making sure he didn’t step on the snails that come out right after it rains. His smile turns fond whenever Phupha pauses yet again to set aside a snail and put it on a nearby bush.
When Tul turns towards him during one of those times, he gives him a puzzled look and Tian merely shrugs in return, flushing when Tul’s gaze turns inquisitive. Instead of watching the gears turn in his friend’s head, Tian pulls up his phone and checks for messages to avoid suspicion until Tul turns and complains to Phupha about how they’d never get to the supermarket at this rate.
Then, Tian thinks it’s adorable how Phupha sneezes. Loud and borderline disruptive, strangely out of character from a normally stoic guy like Phupha. At this point, he’d thought, it was pretty normal. These are habits that normal people would think were attractive on a guy as good looking as Phupha but then Tian even starts to think about how he could even appreciate the crusty stuff that shows up in people’s eyes if he’d seen them on Phupha in the morning.
Then, he’d promptly thought, fuck.
Those weren’t the indications of Phupha’s possible feelings towards him though. No, the first time Tian thought Phupha might be interested in him, is when he starts looking back.
Little gestures like Phupha smiling more often around him or occasionally inviting him out to the national park whenever there was a lull in visitors to show him around started to pile up. He’d also initiate more physical touches with Tian than he’d ever had in the four years they’ve known each other. Sometimes, he’d invite himself over and he’d spend the night with Tian watching shitty movies or playing old school boardgames the entire night with or without Tul being there.
But, even those could be interpreted as brotherly feelings.
Tian considers the possibility of Phupha being interested in him, when he catches him looking.
Phupha’s taken to spending the weekend at their apartment, so his clothes have mixed with theirs to the point where the only way they could really tell it apart is when they’ve worn it. It gets difficult to tell for Tian, who usually just makes a point of washing all their stuff in bulk whenever it was his turn to do the laundry, not bothering to separate it even as he folds them.
So, when he runs out of clothes, he picks up the only clean shirt he has left.
Phupha’s park ranger shirt, fairly loose around his shoulders, and long in a way that Tian never wants his shirts to be because it makes his torso longer. It stops mid-thigh in a way that could be suggestive considering the fact that he’d only worn his boxers underneath, but it was just Tul and him in the apartment, so he couldn’t really linger on that.
He still does, just a little bit.
Tian indulges in the thought of wearing Phupha’s shirts around while he does simple chores.
Cozy and comfortable, a bit flustered if he was ever caught. But Phupha never drops by on a weekday and it’s currently Wednesday, so he knows he doesn’t have to worry about it. He gathers both his, Tul’s and probably Phupha’s laundry and shoves it in the washer, setting a timer before he lounges on the couch, trying to prepare an upcoming presentation for one of his courses.
The timer sets off just as he finishes around the halfway point of his powerpoint and the door buzzes. Tul calls out that he’s got it and Tian takes the clothes out of the washer and into the dryer, thinking that he probably got take-out. A couple of seconds later, Tul walks through the living room and opens the door, muttering about how he should make a spare key and the same person Tian thought would never come by on a weekday, does.
He panics, hoping he could enter the room before Phupha looks up to see him, slamming the dryer door in his haste. A bad decision because not only does it nearly hit him in the face- the loud noise also draws the attention of Tul and Phupha to where Tian’s currently trying to press the start button.
Tul laughs, loud and obnoxious. “Bro, if you break that, you buy it. It’s just Phupha, chill.”
Tian glares at him, crossing his arms across his chest. He tries desperately to appear calm while he leans against the dryer. He sighs, rolling his shoulders back and tilting his chin up when he replies. “You could’ve given me a warning.”
“When have I ever given you a warning,” Tul snorts, laughing even harder when Tian’s glare intensifies, following Tul until he quickly scoots back into his room with a claim that he’s missing a very important meeting with his groupmates for an upcoming project.
Then, he’s left alone with Phupha, still standing in the entryway, staring at him in a way that makes him blush and his breath catches in a way that has him struggling to stutter out a simple, “Hi.”
Phupha doesn’t reply, his gaze lingering on him. His jaw is set, shoulders tensing as he curls his fists at his sides.
Tian bites his lip, nervous and feeling a little bit self-conscious. He starts fidgeting with the end of the shirt, bunches it up a little bit so Phupha can see that at least he’s wearing his underwear underneath. In his rush, the neckline of the shirt’s shifted to expose a fair bit of his neck. Tian pulls it until it settles just right and Phupha’s stare shifts from his neck to the bottom of the shirt where Tian’s grabbed it, eyes darkening.
Tian licks his lips, shifting his feet and needlessly adjusting the shirt.
Then he walks closer, suddenly feeling brave, until he’s about a foot away from Phupha. Desperately trying to save face, he reaches out to playfully tap him on the chest, “I know it's your shirt but I can wear it right? I kind of ran out of clothes to wear.” Tian laughs, trying to alleviate the tension.
His flush, if possible, gets even deeper when he notices Phupha’s gaze dart up to his lips. Tian refrains from shivering, keeping his hand on Phupha’s chest until Phupha finally looks into his eyes and shakes his head, clearing his throat, “Of course. Anytime.”
Tian nods back, quiet, as he lets his hand fall back to his side. He swallows, feeling himself grow warm under the intensity of Phupha’s gaze. Then, he looks up, giving Phupha a small shy smile. “Okay.”
///
Tian feels confident that even if Phupha doesn’t necessarily like him in a way that’s romantic yet, he’s certainly attracted to him. So, he musters up his courage and tries his best to work with what he knows, works. Under the guise of feeling comfortable in Phupha’s clothes, he continuously just wears them around whenever Phupha hangs out at their apartment.
He catches Phupha looking several times, the tension mounting to levels Tian isn’t sure how he’s coped with. Phupha’s gaze lingers on places Tian knew it would, leaving him breathless whenever he catches him doing it. It frustrates Tian to no end. No matter how many times, he finds himself in a position where either of them could make the first move, the mood always breaks.
The closest he’s ever gotten to actually moving beyond that is during one of those nights that Phupha decides to stay over. Tian thinks that he should be particularly annoying so he starts making off-handed comments on the movie that he knows Phupha likes. Pushing his feet into Phupha’s side from where he sits across the couch, when Tian thinks his focus could be directed elsewhere.
Phupha lets him do just that for a good minute, until Tian nudges a bruise particularly hard then he pauses the tv, turning around abruptly until he’s holding Tian’s ankle tightly, “Tian, stop.”
Tian, being, Tian, licks his lips, gazing directly into Phupha’s eyes before he grins and says. “Make me.”
Suddenly, Tian finds himself pinned to the couch. Phupha leaning an arm against the back of the seat, another situated right beside Tian’s head, caging him in. Tian lets out a quiet huff of air, blushing at Phupha’s close proximity. This is it, just one more push.
He leans his head against Phupha’s arm, licking his lips. “Phupha, I-”
A loud thump, then the sound of a couple of things crashing to the floor as Tul lets out a litany of words cursing his game from his room disrupts the moment. Phupha, as if coming to himself, sits up and as far away as he can from Tian on the couch, running his hands over his hair. Tian refrains from groaning out loud, propping himself on his arms.
Before Tian even gets a chance to coax Phupha back into the same position, he says an abrupt, “I have to go.”
He leaves and Tian’s left feeling cold.
The next time Tian sees Phupha after that, is when he decides to come over with a friend. A man named Nam, who’s honestly an all around genial and nice person. He's funny in a way that's not overbearing, witty and opportunistic. Apparently they work together at the park, but neither Tul or Tian’s ever gotten the chance to see him because he’s always out on a call.
Phupha nods along as Nam answers every one of Tul’s questions, with an arm wrapped haphazardly around Nam’s shoulders. Tian tries not to stare at the hold too intensely, choosing to distract himself with the cup of coffee placed in front of him.
The smile Phupha’s had since he’s arrived doesn’t leave even as he interjects Nam’s recounting of awful visitor stories at their job and it grates on Tian’s nerves like nothing ever has before. Phupha doesn’t smile this long with anyone. He never does even with the people he’s close to.
Even when Tian visited him at the park. Phupha doesn’t smile like this with anyone. Not with Yod, his supervisor or Rang, his junior. It looks a little bit out of place on Phupha’s normally stern face. And it seems like Tul is getting the same idea because his questions are becoming less and less playfully curious and more borderline intrusive.
Nevertheless, Nam answers them with an amused grin that even Tian, in all his sudden hostility towards him, couldn't help but admire.
Tian stirs his coffee absentmindedly with his spoon, lower lip jutting out in thought. Sooner or later, he knew it was going to happen. Phupha’s way too good of a person to remain by himself. He just thought it was going to be with him and not some doctor, he just managed to bring into their lives, a year after they’ve started living here.
So maybe it affects the way Tian treats Nam a little bit. His answers to any of his questions are curt and conversations in between them are always cut short, until eventually Nam gives up. The little bit of guilt that Tian feels from treating a person so rudely grows when he sees Phupha’s steely glare directed at him.
Beside him, Tul’s eyebrows are raised in a way that could only mean bad news.
Towards the end of Phupha’s visit, Tian tries to be less of a brat, pulling Nam aside to apologize while making some half-hearted excuse about not feeling well. Although, something tells him that Nam fully knows that he’s pulling out explanations out of his ass, he still accepts Tian’s apology.
Right after their conversation, Nam just shoots him a knowing smile before he loudly proclaims that he really has to go home unless he wants his wife to come after his ass. Tian, embarrassed, blushes and replies that he should introduce her to them sometime and Nam nods cheerfully, before he’s bodily pulling away Phupha from where he looks like he’s about to scold Tian and out the door.
When the door closes, Tul gives him a look. “Phupha, really?”
Tian groans, rubbing a hand over his face.
///
This is dumb, Tian thinks to himself. Already regretting his decision to let Tul set him up with someone he knew from one of his business courses. He should’ve gotten a clue just from that. What would he have in common with a guy studying for a business major.
But at the time Tul asked, Tian felt painfully lonely, still reeling from the realization of how deep his feelings ran for Phupha and how it seems like he would never act on any feelings he could have for Tian. Even when the attraction Phupha feels is intense enough that it’s become blatant to someone as oblivious as Tian.
So when the opportunity came, he took it. He agreed and Tul rolled his eyes, even asking him again if he was sure but Tian just nodded, landing himself in his current position. Afterall, there’s no better way to confirm that you love someone than to go on your first date with a virtual stranger just so you can endlessly compare them to the person you love in the first place.
The guy he’s set up with- Mark, sits across from him, ranting about the complicated process of a seminar he needed to prepare for one of his courses. He’s been talking about it for the past fifteen minutes and Tian’s been trying his best to seem as engaged as he can but there’s only so many ways he can fake interest in yet another business model he knows nothing about.
He’s entirely too different from Phupha. Too expressive and caught up in ways that he could succeed in the business world and well. Mark’s not exactly bad but he’s a little bit too self-absorbed. Less interested in sharing at least a little bit of the enthusiasm Tian has in his position as an assistant teacher at a local kindergarten and more eager to talk about himself.
Phupha always listens to Tian with a patient ear, interjecting whenever it's appropriate and inquisitive in a manner that has Tian looking forward to telling him about what the kids did that day. Even if it was just something as simple as finally teaching one of the kids to say please.
When Mark finally excuses himself from the table to go to the washroom, Tian takes the chance to look for an escape route. Under the table, he opens up his phone’s messages and sends a haphazard text asking to be saved right now with a location to the first person on the list. Probably Tul, well, hopefully Tul, because that’s who Tian had addressed the message to.
His phone buzzes in his hand and before Tian gets a chance to check who it could be, Mark gets back and resumes right where he regrettably left off. He flashes him a quick smile, as he tucks the phone back into his pocket and settles back into his chair, hoping that dinner is served quickly so he could go home faster.
The date lasts another hour with both of them agreeing to split the bill. When they exit the restaurant, Mark wraps his arm around Tian’s waist. offering another activity to do together. Tian, hoping that whoever’s causing the continuous buzzing of his phone in his pocket is a good enough excuse, unmutes it and hurriedly answers the phone off to the side, flashing Mark an apologetic smile.
Tul’s voice filters through the phone, urgent. “Tian! What did you say to Phupha?”
“Huh? Nothing, why?” Tian furrows his eyebrow, he hasn’t spoken to Phupha since last weekend. After the disaster that was Tian not knowing how to deal with his feelings of jealousy. Around the corner, he hears Mark asking him if he’s alright and Tian briefly assures him that, yes he is before he mutters into the phone. “Why didn’t you answer my text!”
“I didn’t get anything! What do you-”
At that, Tian panics, unlocking his phone quickly. He really hopes he didn’t send messages asking Tul to save him to Mark. Besides being an utter dick move, Tian just really doesn’t want to deal with that. When he finally opens up his messages, he lets out a sigh of relief when he realizes his last messaged person isn’t Mark.
Then it finally registers in his head, who he’s sent the last message to and he’s back to being stressed.
He’s sent the message to Phupha.
“Fuck, I sent it to Phupha.”
“Sent what? Tian-”
Tian shakes his head, “I’ll tell you later.”
The messages say that Phupha read it an hour ago, replied to it with a simple question mark. Yet, nothing’s happened yet, so Tian assumes that Phupha’s just dismissed it. He ignores the feelings of disappointment welling up in his chest and puts his phone back in his pocket.
Tian feels a bit bad about using Mark to distract him from his feelings for Phupha, but he accepted the date based on the same premise so it’s not like it’s anything new. Maybe he will accept Mark’s offer to do something else, if only, to take his mind off of everything else. Tian could give him a chance instead of comparing every action he made to what Phupha would do. It’s only fair.
He resolves to do just that, walking back to Mark with a sheepish grin when he spots Phupha looking pissed off right across the street, leaning against his motorcycle. Tian turns abruptly, ignoring him as blatantly as he can. He can’t just suddenly change the mind, he's just made up because Phupha is suddenly there.
Tian can’t let himself get his hopes up needlessly like this. It’s probably better for Phupha if Tian sees other people anyway, he wouldn’t be risking his relationship with his brother if he decides to see other people that’s for sure. Maybe Tian dating someone will even give Phupha the push he needs who knows.
He swallows, sour at the thought of Phupha dating someone else.
Mark says his name again, Tian turns, forcing a smile on his face. “Sorry, what did you want to do-”
“Tian,” Phupha calls out, “Tul has an emergency.” he says, flatly. Not even remotely trying to hide how blatant of a lie that sentence is before he pulls Tian by his elbow. Tian has just enough time to apologize to Mark before Phupha’s forcing a helmet over his head and he’s forced to hold onto his waist for the ride.
///
“Why did you even go on this date if you weren’t interested in seeing someone anyway.” Phupha comments, closing the door behind him. “You didn’t have to accept it.”
He just says it. No pretense whatsoever. Then, Tian tenses up, because why would Phupha care about his reasons anyway. He’d ignored every attempt Tian made to talk on their way back. He glares, slipping his shoes off carelessly before stomping into the room. “I wanted to.”
He pulls his phone from his pocket, sending another message of apology to Mark before Phupha looks up abruptly, a furious look taking over his face. “You wanted to? That’s why you sent me a text asking me to save you?”
“That wasn’t for you!” Tian turns, “The message said Tul! You could’ve just told him instead of doing what you did!”
He has no right being this angry at Tian. Not when he’s made it clear that he would not make a move. Why is Tian the one getting yelled at when he was just trying to cope.
Phupha crosses his arms across his chest, “Tian, out of nowhere you send a message asking to be saved and you expect me to ignore it?”
“Yes, Tul is the one I texted for a reason, I can’t-“ Tian cuts himself off, looking down. “I can’t keep letting you come to save me.”
He refrains from saying that he wouldn’t have wanted Phupha to see him in that situation anyways. Tian knows that it would take Phupha approximately two minutes to conclude that Tian wasn’t enjoying himself at all. It was just embarrassing. After he’s made it so obvious how he’s felt about Phupha, he’d probably realize that Tian was just thinking of him instead of his actual date.
Then Phupha sighs, walking closer to gently place his hands on Tian’s shoulders. “Tian, I told you I would. Anytime.”
Tian laughs to himself, a small pitiful sound because he’s on the verge of tearing up out of sheer frustration. Even in the middle of an actual argument, he’s trying to be the selfless one. “That’s part of the problem.”
“Tian-“
“Phupha, I love you.” Tian straightens up, cutting Phupha’s sentence off before he could say something out of misplaced concern yet again. “I went on this date because I wanted to forget about you. So, if you’d just kindly leave me to wallow from whatever happened back there. I’d really appreciate it.”
Phupha furrows his eyebrows and normally the sight would make Tian want to quite literally poke the expression off of his face but he’s tired. And all he really wants to do is sleep off this entire day and pretend like nothing happened the next day.
“I’m ten years older than you.” Phupha states.
Tian nods his head tiredly, already done with this conversation, trying to get away from Phupha’s grip on his shoulders. “I know and you’re not interested in me like that. I get it, so-“
Phupha’s hands move from his shoulders down to his hands, holding onto them as if that would convince Tian to stay put. “Tian. I’m ten years older than you. It doesn’t matter what I feel. I can’t put that burden on you.”
“What you feel... about me?” Tian states blankly.
Phupha nods, admitting. “I love you.”
Then it sinks in and Tian looks up, suddenly angry. Phupha looks fully convinced and determined to stick by his statement. Even as he holds Tian’s hands in the gentlest way, carefully rubbing circles into the back of his hands.
“That’s it? You tell me you love me like that and you’re not going to do anything about it?” Tian pulls his hands away from Phupha’s hold, balling them by his sides. “Don’t I have a say in this?”
“Jesus, Tian!” Phupha groans, rubbing a frustrated hand over his face. “That was your first date! Why can’t you understand that I don’t want to be the guy that takes away these experiences from you.”
“You just did!” Tian yells, sniffling. “Besides, you’re not taking away anything I’m not willing to give!” He isn’t. If Phupha was just willing to look beyond their stupid age difference, he’d understand that.
“I didn’t want to go on that stupid date with that guy anyway, I wanted to go on one with you.” he continues, reaching up to wipe at his eyes before the tears fall. He looks up, chewing on his lip. Tian still does. He’d take one measly date with Phupha over multiple dates with other guys, any day.
“Tian. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you.” Phupha’s shoulders slump down. He sighs then pulls Tian into an embrace, carefully patting the small of his back until he calms down. Tian can’t even find it within himself to enjoy the feeling because it feels an awful lot like Phupha is trying to say goodbye for some dumb reason.
“Can’t I share these experiences with you? I don’t want to experience them with anyone else.” Tian murmurs burying his face into Phupha’s shoulder, “Please.”
“Tian.” Phupha presses a light kiss to the side of his head, “I just don’t want you to regret this.”
Tian shakes his head, holding onto Phupha even tighter. “I’m not going to.”
If they had a slim chance of making it, Tian would be willing to take that risk anytime. Especially now that he knew his feelings were reciprocated, if not now, then when. It’s not like Tian has that many chances in his life. “I’m twenty three. You’ve seen me at my worst and my best. I trust you, I want to be with you.”
Tian sniffs, laying his cheek on Phupha’s shoulder. “Don’t you want that too?”
Phupha pulls back just a little bit, dislodging Tian’s head from its place. His face softens at the sight of Tian’s teary looking face. He sighs, leaning down to place a firm kiss on his forehead and another one to the apple of his cheek. “Of course, I do.”
Tian looks up, a shy smile returning to his face, “Does that mean...?”
Phupha nods, giving him a lopsided grin. “Be patient with me, please. I’m not- I don’t.”
Tian hugs him closer, nodding eagerly. He tilts his chin up in a silent request for another kiss, grinning when he feels Phupha’s small huff of laughter. “C’mon.”
“Tian,” Phupha calls out, his hand moving up to gently cradle Tian’s jaw, “Look at me.”
Tian opens his eyes, feels his heart skip a beat at the sheer intimacy of being this close to the person that he loves. Phupha smiles, leaning down slowly until Tian closes his eyes in anticipation.
Phupha kisses him softly. Warm and patient, gently coaxing Tian into it. His thumb carefully traces Tian’s jaw back and forth when they part to take a breath. Then, he kisses him again, thoroughly. This time he takes his time, tender in the way he treats Tian like he’s something precious.
The next time they part, Tian takes a shaky breath. He licks his lips, feels the heat licking up his insides when he sees Phupha’s attention follow it intensely. Tian leans into the hand still cradling his jaw, lifting his eyes to meet Phupha’s.
“I love you.” He says, voice hoarse from the sheer emotion welling up in him.
Phupha nods like he’s answering a question, kisses his forehead once more before leaning in to press another soft kiss to his lips. “I love you too.”