Chapter Text
I gazed into her eyes blankly, desperately tampering down emotions that were swiftly heating up. She stared at me with a guarded gaze, almost a stone-like wall of will. I turned away, restraining myself from trying to challenge her, as it would only end in more trouble for me.
“Are you going to hurt yourself just because I got mad at you?”
There it was. I could hear the mocking, the unadulterated disbelief, the disdain that I would actually do that, because that’s apparently the only reason I did it last time. I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned anything, it was better to keep my goddamn mouth shut. Damn it damn it damn it, I fucked it up. Again.
I almost laughed at the ignorance, but I clamped my mouth shut. I turned swiftly, marching into the house with a steely determination to remove myself from this situation before it became an even bigger problem. Of course, I was trailed by the one and only.
Just when I thought I was safe, she was there, fired up like a beast in its cage. I didn’t make eye contact, focusing on the task at hand: releasing the emotions before they ripped me shred by tantalizing shred. Everything sounded muffled under the weight of my thoughts like I was in a pool. Her voice slashed through the water quickly, like a whip; poised, and burning. “Are you going to answer me?”
I shrunk farther against my shell, retreating as a person; I was rather, a vessel that I was unfortunate enough to pilot. I shrugged, keeping my eyes glued to the screen.
“Because if you are, I’m taking you to the hospital right now.” She finished, placing her hands on the table with a note of finality. How do I answer that when it’s never completely certain? “I don’t know? Probably not.” I muttered, trying my best to keep my voice even.
“How do you not know? It’s a yes or no answer.” She finished, exasperated. The longer I took to think, the more the atmosphere seemed to thicken, like a rope being stretched to its limits. “Probably not.” I settled with, exhausted from the effort of this conversation. She sighed, pacing around the kitchen. She reminded me of a promise I made, though even I’m not sure how strong it is.
To me, that promise is glass, reliable at best, shattered at worse. I could see the hairline cracks, so thin I could run my fingers along them without fear of being cut. I let out a breath as she walked away; I could hear and see her talking, but none of it registered. I stayed completely vacant until she was gone, pulling out my earbuds with a frown. Various sounds played, until I stopped at ones I recognized and needed to hear.
Northern and Waterloo City Lines, And National Rail Services….
The soft strumming of the guitar filled my senses, and I became the music. It was almost freeing, like I was actually there.
...There’s a reason, London puts barriers on the tubeline
There’s a reason, London puts barriers on the rails
I could feel the musty wind whipping my hair, the screeching of metal on metal as the manmade beasts fought for ground. The vague chatter of passerby waiting for the next car.
There’s a reason, London puts barriers on the tubeline There’s a reason, they fail.
A soft but impactful ending. I took a calming breath, emptying my thoughts into the blank void of homework.
(Song lyrics are from Jubilee Line by Wilber, the entire album is pretty great, I highly recommend)