Chapter Text
The long-haired pillar hugs his small frame while moving through the halls, his eyes darting about in search of any indicator or sign that the insect pillar could be up and about.
The moon is high in the sky but he fears not for any threats of demons since the butterfly Estate is a secluded location and the amount of wisteria growing around would send any demon running for the hills.
It is relatively quiet, as most staff and patients of the residence are deep asleep in their slumber, and yet here he is, in the white oversized patient uniform hugging his frame strutting down every corridor he sees because he’s yet to remember the layout of this huge estate.
The place no doubt reeks of wisteria, the musky sweet smell is not distasteful by any means but he does need time to adjust to the peculiar way these wisteria scents are far stronger than the usual ones he encountered, Shinobu must’ve tweaked with them.
His face is still partly bandaged, the rough knit tight battle with upper 4 and 5 Twelve Kizuki worn him out greatly. While the young pillar is able to move about and continue on with his routine only after two days of rest, he is still not recovered to his full strength.
However, his mind has been clouding with the thoughts of that boy, the one with messy black hair slicking up his head ending in burgundy tips. Muichiro hums to himself and thought of the time of Nezuko’s trial at the HQ, he could care much less to even remember the face of the pitiful brother whose sister was turned into a demon.
Hell, the only reason he remembered him then was because he flicked a few rocks at him to shut him up from rudely interrupting their master in the middle of his speech.
Truth to be told he hadn’t expected the other to still be alive after so long, with his tendency to run into grave danger at every turn from the sound of things, the boy attracts all the fun dangerous demons like a walking magnet.
And yet when he said that to him, “Helping other people, also ends up being beneficial for you at the end of the day” something stirred in him, something that brings a sense of familiarity, like a long-lost home.
Much to his own surprise he let those words seep through the crack of his mind till it influenced his actions, and with that his blade. Those kind gentle eyes, purely looking at him along with that soft smile, he keeps seeing it flashing in his head and with that, unlock the memories of his past that he lost to his pain.
The dull simple canvas he once was blooms with colors of his past, everything suddenly crashing down on him all at once.
He remembered the family he once had, the Muichiro Tokito who was once a kind soft hearted boy who always smiles cheerfully. He remembered the other half of himself who despite the brisk coldness and menacing glares, had cared about him more than his own life.
How that precious someone is cruelly ripped from his grasp, with that surging rage he earned his demon slayer mark and slain the vile creature.
But that’s all in the past of a few days ago, in his recovery rest, he is able to recollect his thoughts and sort out his feelings. The baggage of emotions he never knew existed suddenly heavy on his shoulder; unprocessed trauma can cause fatigue was what Shinobu had explained to him.
And gods did he have a lifetime worth of that, now residing in his mind, how convenient.
Shinobu commented on his lack of sleeping, it’s why he isn’t recovering as fast as he used to.
Muichiro could say that has been a bit of an arising problem for him.
Ever since getting his memories back, his slumbers are haunted by various kinds of nightmares, all of which are dripping with red and not once did the dead bodies of his loved ones is absent from the horrific dreamscapes.
It’s downright terrifying, he couldn’t go to sleep without waking at most, an hour later shaking and trembling while gasping for air.
And yet, Muichiro refuses to place down his pride and clarify to the medics that he is unable to sleep, or accurately, he is afraid to sleep. And he could only do so when given his medication, which one of them has a side effect of making him sleepy by force.
So Muichiro doesn’t sleep to rest his body at night, instead he roams the quiet halls under the moonlight like some ghost wannabe because they really can’t expect him to just sit in his bed all night long. Plus, it’s rather pleasant, walking about and feeling the breeze caressing his face, it takes his mind off the fatigue.
Shinobu had caught him wandering around the Butterfly estate at night but even her nagging and reprimands has no effect whatsoever on him, the insect pillar could wear any kind of glare she could muster and Muichiro would just blink and shrug.
Tonight however, he did fall asleep from his meds, only to wake up 2 hours later panting for air with his heartbeat accelerated so fast he is half sure he could die from it alone. It’s nothing compared to that moment when he got his marks, yet it makes his body tremble greatly with a threat of a sob nearly escaping past his lips.
Muichiro drags himself out of bed, he couldn't sleep, he doesn’t want to sleep (No, he wants to sleep, desperately needs it but—) The pillar feels pathetic of himself for feeling so weak, to allow himself to be so vulnerable and forgetting entirely he is merely a fourteen-year-old boy.
Muichiro may be the youngest pillar, an amazing one at that as he became a Hashira only two months after picking up his Nichirin blade, but at the end of the day, he is still a fourteen-year-old boy who lost everything when he barely reached his teenage years.
As he aimlessly treks, suddenly, a face pops up in his head, a face that bores kindness that matches his father’s, a warmth he could seek comfort from.
Perhaps, he might be crazy but truly perhaps……
With the moon high in the night sky and the estate quiet saved for the sounds of soft breathing and the cold night breeze, Muichiro roams the hall in search of a particular room. He never thought of asking, but now he wished he did, or else he wouldn’t be mindlessly walking around in the dead of the night otherwise.
Muichiro eventually does find his desired room, the long-haired pillar slowly enters the private room for one as quiet as he can. Tanjiro lays on the bed, eyes shut close in a serene slumber. His face is bandaged up along with parts of his arms, his wounds are greater than Muichiro’s from the fight.
The mist pillar yawns and takes a seat next to the bed, not making a single sound that might disrupt the other’s peaceful sleep. Now watching him, he can’t help but feel envious of the slightly older male who is able to sleep and not have terror from his unconscious mind jolt him awake, but Muichiro remains silent nonetheless.
His eyes wandered around, and for the life of him could not come up with any explanation in his head as to why he is here, why his feet led him to this boy, this is probably creepy when taken out of context too. He’s here watching someone sleep for god’s sake.
It’s frustrating when his thoughts are usually clear and straightforward (If not a little too bland as well) but at the moment, only a jumbled mess remains in his head and he despises himself for being unable to cope with it.
But at the same time, he can’t help but welcome the disoriented state of mind, it made him feel human, made him feel like the old self he lost. It's a haze of contradicting thoughts, a pain yet isn't this how it should be?
Muichiro softly smiles, the one sleeping on the bed wouldn’t be able to see or hear him right now, he’ll thank Tanjiro much properly for helping him bring back his memories when the other is awake.
‘Kamado Tanjiro is it? I see…… thank you’ he thought with a smile, another yawn escaped his lips but Muichiro couldn't possibly allow himself to sleep. It'll be troublesome if he wakes up screaming and bothering Tanjiro in his rest.
But a single mere fragment of his thought suddenly surges forward, one that he's likely to just shove it down and back where it came from. He couldn't possibly do that , it just takes this sleep watching to a whole new plane of creepy.
And Muichiro isn't even like this at all, this really isn't how he usually acts, he ought to blame it all on the repressed trauma. Obanai did say something along the lines of "blame it on the trauma" once, or was it?
The mist pillar begrudgingly shakes his head, he's not going to do such a thing. No way, and yet….the possibility of maybe getting a tranquil sleep is also tempting. Muichiro is dead tired and would honestly do anything for one night free of nightmares.
Maybe…… maybe he wouldn't mind? Perhaps he won't even know either.
After much contemplating, one hand reaching out, he hesitantly takes Tanjiro’s hand. He holds the rough coarse palms into his own, no doubt a proof of his hard work and training, yet just by holding that one hand, it feels warm.
The warmth seems to travel all over his body, relaxing him from the tenseness from his prior nightmare. Each muscle calming down with ease as if the gesture itself is healing him, the pillar exhales a heavy breath, chest lighter than ever before.
The drowsiness overtakes him, the sleep slowly engulfs him once more but the nightmares however, did not.
Unbeknownst to the pillar in question. A female figure has been watching him from the opened cracks of the door, an amused smile on her lips. Shinobu bites down her urge to drag the youngest pillar back to his room and quietly walks away, leaving the two to their privacy.
And if the girls at the estate found Muichiro asleep on the chair next morning next to Tanjiro, they never said anything, only giggling to themselves while ushering the Kakushis to move the mist pillar back to his room.
If this occurrence happens every other night after, they never commented on him for it, and neither did Shinobu.
“Good morning Kocho!” Tanjiro greets the older girl as she walks into the infirmary, the older girl is in her usual uniform and Haori. He has been expecting her visit since only Shinobu can clear him for training.
Tanjiro woke up a few days ago but Shinobu had been busy with her joint research with Tamayo then, now that she's back at the estate, the pillar smiles seeing him chirpy and awake.
“Morning Tanjiro, and you can just call me Shinobu, glad to hear you’re finally awake, you were gone for a while.” she chuckles, reaching out to ruffle his hair fondly.
Truth to he told, Shinobu might have just adopted Tanjiro as her little brother just as she and Kanae did for Kanao, it can't be helped because Tanjiro is much too lovable and precious for her to resist.
Kanao too has been getting along quite well with him, seeing them together made her think of the time when Kanae was around. Although a bit sad, Shinobu is glad Kanao found someone she can learn to be open with like a sibling of her own.
“Hehe, I guess I did….” Tanjiro sheepishly mutters, Shinobu pulls out her tools to give him a checkup.
“So how do you feel?” the boy, bright as ever just as she knows him, exclaims out a “Great!”
Shinobu hums at the exclamation, cooing at him silently inside. But the insect pillar is suddenly reminded of a particular memory, “You know you had some of us so worried, they keep dropping by to see you” she tells him while hiding her smirk.
The new changes in Muichiro is more than a delight, the boy is a lot less like Giyuu these days, often wearing a smile around those he considers his friends.
And seeing him sneaking away during his recovery to be with Tanjiro, Shinobu suspects that the eldest Kamado likely plays a huge role in that change.
Tanjiro's lips go round in an 'O', the boy softly smiles with his head tilted. “Ah….I’m sorry, I made Tokito worry a lot didn’t I?” he slowly remarks, there's a rare shyness to his voice when he speaks of the youngest pillar.
Interesting, Tanjiro is a lot of wonderful things, shyness however isn't one of them.
Shinobu widens her eyes, face coloured in shock “Oh? You knew?” the boy timidly nods at the question, his cheeks dusting with faint pink.
“Oh yes, even asleep I could always still smell his scent that’s always nearby, but sometimes I smell sadness with it…... as if he’s hurting…..is he okay?” Tanjiro explains upon seeing her surprised expression, he too had felt the same when he was able to pinpoint the scent to a face.
Muichiro and himself had a, for the lack of better words, a weird start. He had first met him on that day Nezuko was trialed, but the boy that had been more aloof and much interested in anything but the situation at hand.
Yet strangely, just for a spur of moment he did leave quite an impression on Tanjiro for being the youngest pillar but also with a clearly distinctive scent from everyone present then, the kind where Tanjiro could never mix up with anyone else which was why he could confidently claim it's Muichiro who has been visiting him ever so frequently in his sleep.
Shinobu glances at the boy, her face softens “Tanjiro……. Why don’t you go ask him yourself if he comes over?” His kindness and care for others is truly one to be amazed by, she has a hard time wondering how such a sweet boy ended up as a demon slayer.
The news brings a wave of surprise,“Eh he’s back on duty already?!” Tanjiro can clearly recall the other being in a much worse shape than he is back then, Hashira slayers are truly in another league.
Tanjiro looked so worried for the other, and for Shinobu who had seen Muichiro slice up demons just yesterday with ease could only chuckle at the boy's concerns. “Just the usual patrols, he still has to drop by every few days for checkups” she supplied him.
Tanjiro beams at him, his eyes turning into crescents as he smiles, “Oh okay then, thank you Shinobu!” she leaves him to his rest and exits the room.
'Tanjiro and Muichiro? How fitting….cute!' she thought to herself, but since she's feeling a bit mischievous, she's sure to tell Tomioka about it knowing how much that the other boy cares for Tanjiro like an overprotective mother hen.
The pillar amusedly giggles to herself, feeling a tinge of bittersweetness tugging at her heart. 'Wouldn't it be nice if you two didn't have to fight this battle……' she thought of her own fate that she herself had set it in stone.
'I'm going to die soon too….. I should live with these small joys while I still can' she thought to herself, a small laugh escapes her lips 'Should I confess my feelings to Tomioka too then?'
There is only one answer to that question, one that would save the both of them a great deal of hurt. Love, to the likes of them as demon slayers, is a luxury not everyone can keep.
You may love, but the more you love, the more you lose.
And the more you lose, the more you break and bleed.
The demons alone made them bleed far too much, lose bits and bits of themselves to the mountains of bodies piled and the rows of graves that stretch on so far that it's almost endless.
They could love, but if love would eventually hurt them when one half of the whole is taken away, is it worth it to love?
Shinobu sighs, clutching on her Haori as she makes her way towards her lab, in a world like theirs…..
It's better not to love.
Muichiro leans back on the chair he's sitting on, his face blank with boredom while Shinobu goes over her usual check up routine on him, “Okay, your body has fully recovered, but I suppose you have yet to be back at full strength?” the other girl asks, to which he reluctantly nods along to.
The lack of sleep has been a pesky trouble with his healing since his body isn't getting the adequate amount of rest it needs, when unfocused, he often feels sluggish as the unresolved exhaustion creeps up to him.
“Yes, I’ll still proceed with my part of the pillar training?” The training had only begun a few days ago after the official initiation with the pillar meeting.
“Yes you may, I don’t think it’ll harm you in any way” Shinobu confirms with a smile, giving him a clear to proceed.
Muichiro would much rather be out there hunting down the remaining Twelve Kizuki himself than to meddle with incompetence brats, after a few minutes of assessing them, the mist pillar had to wonder how on earth are these people still on their feet with such pitiful skills.
From the lack of battle sense to butchering the breath forms, Muichiro can barely even feign to hide his annoyance around them. He thought of another young slayer of his age, one that he'd much rather train with them after seeing his skills first hand at the swordsmith village attack.
Muichiro observes how she puts away her tools and begins to rise up to his feet himself, “I think that's all—” she couldn't finish her words when the other pillar abruptly cuts her off as if he's in a hurry.
“By the way Kocho…….” he starts, although unsure himself of how he could go about with the matter. Would Shinobu be alright with him asking about her patients that he's not affiliated with in any way than maybe a probable friendship?
The older girl is kind enough to spare him her attention, “Yes Tokito?” She's always striking to the others as the sassy playful one, always trying to stir stuff up for shits and giggles but she sure can be a bit on the soft side with those younger than her.
Being the youngest pillar, and honestly, one of the youngest corps members has its perks too.
“Well….um….. Is Kamado awake yet?” his voice uncharacteristically low, almost in a whisper. His eyes are looking at anything but the pillar in front of him, Shinobu chuckles to herself.
“Oh he sure is, but his wounds are still recovering so he won’t be joining the training just yet” she informs the boy, a bit of a sly smirk gracing her lips.
“I see, good” Muichiro nods, satisfied at the answer he turns around to make his leave but Shinobu's next question kept him in place.
The female is wearing a grin, arms crossed with her body leaned forward “Why do you ask hmm?” Muichiro eyes very much shake at the sudden inquiry, but he keeps himself composed.
“No reason” He is sure the pillar's smile etched wider, and for some reason it makes him nervous seeing her like that “Is that so? Very well, then I suppose you don’t mind sitting with him for lunch and a talk?”
“Huh?” The request certainly is out of the blue, Muichiro hasn't seen Tanjiro in days and while they all had hugged and for good reason laughed off all the unpleasantry between them, he's still unsure if Tanjiro still considers him a friend.
And the idea that he doesn't does not sit well with the mist pillar.
“He’s been meaning to talk to you but you're rarely around anymore since the pillar training started” Shinobu continues to explain once the confusion settles on the other's face, amused at how such a lacksitatial person could change his demeanor upon meeting someone new.
It's rather amusing, Muichiro nods absentmindedly at her statement as if to draw some conclusions himself “Oh….. really….. but why?”
“He was worried, said something about whenever he smells your presence, it comes with sadness. Oh yes, he totally knew all those times you sneak to sleep next to him at night” she adds on, watching as his face morphs from puzzled to a small and almost bashful smile.
“I……. see, very well I…... will join him for lunch” the youngest pillar comments, already skipping on his steps as he leaves. The sudden bright shine to his face is radiant to say the least.
“Hello Kamado” Tanjiro who has been picking around the food on his plate perks up at the call of his name, his face swings back to meet pretty aqua eyes looking right back at him.
Muichiro maneuvers around him, taking the opposite seat so he could sit facing the slightly older boy and place his food tray down.
The pillar looks just as he remembered, his long silky hair trailing down the small frame ending in mint tips, he usually let it loose despite it posing a lot like a wardrobe hazzard.
Even as he sits, the boy tug strands of his bangs behind his ears, still, Tanjiro beams at his presence, happy to finally have a real talk and not in-between-battles phrase exchange.
“Tokito, but you called me Tanjiro the other day” he calls out, his lips narrowing into a sudden pout. The pillar in question giggled quietly, but his reaction definitely caught Tanjiro off guard.
Unlike the male he first met at the trial who had only been interested in….. absolutely nothing that he's supposed to, a contrast to the guy who had rudely treated the swordsmiths.
This Muichiro Tokito is a tad more…..expressive, there isn't a constant indifferent look on his face. Instead he wears a small smile, his eyes are livelier as they gleam with the essence of mirth.
It compliments the faint smell of earthy fragrance that lingers around Muichiro's distinct scent of mint and citrus, one that Tanjiro has always associated with joyful smiles and contempt hearts.
But there's also the small faint traces of rain, Tanjiro frowns at that, it doesn't show on his face but his nose never lies. Muichiro may be looking at him with a smile on his face, yet the elder boy has a feeling he's carrying baggage on his shoulder that he can't quite share just yet.
“Then as someone younger, you should call me Muichiro as well” the boy retorts, Tanjiro nods along with the request. He's always happy to make new friends,“Okay works for me!”
They dig into their food and occasionally, Tanjiro can feel the stare of another pair of eyes on him, but every time he lifts his gaze he would see Muichiro minding his own business and eating his food.
Tanjiro can see he is a bit hesitant if not, dare he say this, shy to make small talk as they eat. “You knew I visited you when you were asleep?” he finally asks, eyes glued to his bowl of udon, fingers fiddling with the chopsticks in his hold.
“Sure did! Your scent is very distinctive too so it's hard to miss, even when asleep” Tanjiro explains, it draws an awed look from the younger boy.
Muichiro blinks his eyes, “My s-scent?” he stutters, faint hues of pink glittering his cheeks. Something about that thought made him feel light and airy inside.
Tanjiro nods with him, “I have a good sense of smell, so I recognize things and people by their scents. It’s hard to not remember your scent, it smells like fresh citrus and mint when we first met that day”
Muichiro nods at the remark, “I see, that’s really interesting” but Tanjiro doesn't stop there, the boy looks at him with a soft yet concerned gaze. His eyes twinkled with utmost kindness, Muichiro knew what was coming, Shinobu did say Tanjiro sensed it.
“But you also…….. You also carry a strong smell of the aftermath of heavy rain, it’s…… sad. Are you……. Sad?” he carefully threads, it honestly keeps surprising him how gentle the boy can be and how he is able to hold the blade and decapitate demons.
The mist pillar shrugs, the smile he wore faltering by the second, “I guess I am, sort of” he admits, there's no reason to hide, he's sure Tanjiro can smell his way through lies as well.
But he didn't want to worry the other slayer, thus Muichiro continues to explain “You helped me regain my memories, along with the happy ones also comes the painful ones……. I guess….. It makes me feel very sad to remember those again as much as I am happy to remember the joyful moments”
His amnesia did leave him wandering in a blank space, not knowing at all of his true identity, of who he is. But it didn't matter before, yet there's always a nagging in his head, a desire to once again know the person he is before shit went to hell.
And Tanjiro granted him that, “Muichiro…..” the sweet kind voice calls out his name, beckoning him to look up to him. Muichiro shakes away the negative thoughts, “I am okay, I’m getting a bit better at handling it”
With the new revelation, Tanjiro hums satisfiedly. For some reason he's quickly grown to care for the youngest pillar, he couldn't actually fathom why.
Perhaps it's because Muichiro is just as much of a kid as he is, or maybe it's because he was the same age as Nezuko and it made him instinctively see him in a familial light? Like a younger sibling?
Yet the eldest Kamado shakes his head, familial or younger sibling doesn't feel like the right words to describe his feelings, this fondness he grew for the mist pillar feels different from that but he can't pin a word to it.It runs much differently, while he does love Nezuko, she doesn’t make his heart feel so fluttering just by a simple smile.
How peculiar….
“That’s great, I’m really glad. You shouldn’t be sad, the smell doesn’t suit you at all. You should be happy” Tanjiro adds on, it caught the pillar off guard. Muichiro feels his breath hitching, happiness, he should be happy?
“You…. think so?” he asks, albeit in a low hesitant voice. Tanjiro viciously nods, “Of course, everyone deserves to be happy. And if the rain pours too hard again, come find me, like how you’ve done before alright?” and before Muichiro can begin to process those words, Tanjiro leaps from his seat and moves to pull the youngest pillar into a warm hug.
The heat immediately travels up his face, Tanjiro’s hug is…..warm, like a homey embrace that welcomes you after a cold storm. It can almost be therapeutic because Muichiro could really start crying at any moment’s notice now.
It’s been, too long, far too long since anyone ever held him so close and dearly. The pillar bask in the warmth it supplied him, the soothing embrace makes him want to simply fall asleep then and there and he wouldn’t be scared of nightmares anymore because Tanjiro would be there, and he’ll keep them away as he always had.
Safe
That’s what it felt to be enveloped in such a warm pair of arms, it feels, completely safe “Tanjiro……” Muichiro softly calls out to him, it breaks the other boy out of his trance as he frantically moves away, face red and in panic.
“WAH?!?! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to?!?! It’s just that I completely forgot you’re a pillar and my superior but you look so, so much like you could use a hug and I—”
His own words are cut off when Muichiro wraps his arms around his torso, the other’s face buried into the crook of his neck. “I…… I miss it, hug…… thank you” he managed to gasps out, fiercely fighting for his tears to not spill, not right now at least.
“Y-You're welcome” Tanjiro mutters back with a slight stutter, red crimson colours hsi cheeks even when the mist pillar pulls away from him.
He thought of how prettily his bangs are resting on his forehead, the way those aqua eyes shine much brighter now yet still look so soft, edges of his irises coloured with fond.
He notices the few stray stands of black lightly flowing with the afternoon breeze, how his lips curved up in a smile that’s just small and shy as they wobble to voice out his next request.
“Can I have another hug?”
Tanjiro catches a whiff of sweetness, one that he’s not stranger to yet he couldn’t bring himself to reason why does he smells it from Muichiro. It’s in all sense, sweet, much like cotton candy but not overbearing where it gets overwhelming.
Tanjiro welcomes Muichiro into his embrace once more, the other boy now more comfortable to snuggle in closer. The smell does grow more potent, it even brings him a sense of nostalgia as well.
Where has he known this particular scent? Tanjiro strokes through the long black hair till his hands comb through the mint tips, he chuckles to himself, his mother used to do this to his father when they—
Oh, that was the smell.
He remembers now, it was the smell whenever his parents are together, holding hands or just staying close to one another. His mother smells like that whenever she talks about their father, her loving gaze that mirrors Muichiro’s own.
Tanjiro softly smiles to himself, ‘So…… that's what it is….love….’