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“hyung,” the words dropped from felix’s lips like raindrops on a summers day. he caught changbin’s attention as the older boy span around in his chair to face him.
“what do you want?” changbin asked, half in curiosity and half out of worry. he knew how the younger got, it usually happened at around this time, felix would begin to ask philosophical questions and end up pushing himself into some sort of existential crisis, changbin knew the warning signs now and this was one of them.
“are you proud of me?”
this, however, was not a question changbin had expected. “what do you mean lix?” the rapper now had his full undivided attention on the freckled boy before him.
“i mean like…” the younger paused for a moment as he made himself more comfortable on the couch he was strewn across, “i can’t explain it, you know what i mean, are you proud of me?”
“of course i’m proud of you?” changbin was dumbfounded. he wasn’t sure why felix was asking this question or what answer the younger was looking for.
“why are you proud of me?”
it hit the rapper then. felix was searching for validation, the feeling that he had done enough for people to notice his efforts. changbin turned back around and logged off his computer before moving to sit next to where felix was lying on the couch. the younger immediately moved to lay his head on changbin’s legs.
“i’ve always been proud of you,” changbin spoke softly this time and gathered his thoughts before speaking again, “you’ve worked so hard to get where you are and whenever anyone has put a barrier in front of you you’ve just knocked it straight down, i admire that,” he softly ran his fingers through the fading blonde of felix’s hair, “i’m proud of the way that your simple existence can just light up anyone’s day,” the elder smiled softly as he thought back on how many times people had commented on that fact, “you know the first time i took you to meet my mom, she pulled me aside into the kitchen while you were upstairs and asked me whether it was impossible to be sad with you around,” changbin told felix and he saw a light pink dust itself over his cheeks.
“what did you answer?” the blushing boy asked.
“yes,” changbin spoke carefully, “god didn’t send angels down for them to make people sad now did he?”
the younger simply laughed and he turned his body around so that he was now lying facing towards changbin, “you’re too good to me,” he accused.
“no, i could give you the entire world and it would never be what you deserve, think of all the people you make happy lix, just you posting on our instagram can make someone’s day,” changbin told him.
felix hummed lightly in response before softly fluttering his eyes closed. the two boys were content to simply exist, just for a moment, before returning back to their ever chaotic life style. their need for rest was hardly surprising, the pressures on them were constant and unforgiving and felix thought that maybe without changbin he wouldn’t have made it to debut at all.
perhaps it was for that reason that when felix opened his eyes, he cast his gaze up and looked upon his boyfriend’s face with so much love that the older boy thought he might just combust. to changbin, there was no one in the world who he could ever love as much as he loved felix. kindness and patience were rare in their industry but felix was one of the few people he knew who possessed both of those attributes to an insane degree.
“what are you thinking about?” felix’s sleepy voice broke the silence.
“you of course,” changbin replied without a second thought causing the younger boy to roll his eyes in faux disgust despite the fact that the bright smile on his face was already showing his true feelings.
“you’re cringy,” felix managed to accuse as he sat up from his position in weak protest.
“and that’s exactly the way you like me,” the older blurted out.
“see! you’re doing it again!”
“i’m sorry! i can’t help it, you’re just too cute for me not to want to make you smile all the time.”
felix huffed at that despite the speed that his heart was fluttering at in his chest. in an attempt to change the subject before he got emotional in his sleepy state the younger spoke, “anyway, it’s late, shouldn’t we be getting home?”
changbin checked his phone quickly and nodded in agreement, “yeah let me just shut this down,” he replied before leaning forward and clicking a button on the computer he had been working on.
after that, his whole undivided attention was back on his boyfriend who was already stood at the door waiting to leave. most of their nights would end in this way, changbin would work a little too late and felix would come and find him after finishing his own work before inevitably distracting him and managing to coax him home. it was, indeed, a system that had proven itself over the last few weeks as changbin could safely say he had made it home no later than 3am for 47 consecutive nights, not that felix was counting.
they met with their manager downstairs. he flashed the two boys a tired smile before leading them out of the building and into the bitter night air. it felt criminal that they had to use a car to get home now, felix understood that their safety was paramount to anything else but when he though back upon their walks during their trainee days, he couldn’t help but dislike their lack of freedom.
it was an almost daily occurrence for changbin to walk felix back to the trainee dorms before getting the subway home from the stop nearby. felix vividly remembered the peace that came with the anonymity and the feeling of being able to walk around with no fear of being sighted or anyone knowing them at all.
his hand would be tightly clasped in changbin’s own as they walked a zig zagged path down the road. neither had a care in the world for where they were going as felix excitedly pointed upwards towards stars and constellations that he had recently learnt the names of and changbin often said that the night’s brightest star should be renamed from sirius a to felix.
alas, times were different now and they no longer had the option of walking home together and simply being allowed to be. with their dream came fame and with fame came strict rules and no matter how much the two boys hated them, a night walk wasn’t worth giving up everything they had worked so hard to reach.
as the car pulled up in front of their building, the manager offered the two a small smile before driving off to pick up jisung who had now also finished for the night. changbin looked up and down the now desolate road before once again lacing felix’s fingers through his own and pushing the door open.
by the time they finally reached their dorm, felix was practically falling asleep already as his eyes kept dropping closed and he was leaning most of his weight on his boyfriend. “you’re always like this,” changbin told him in a hushed whisper when they reached the kitchen and he began to pour them both a glass of water, “that’s why i tell you to come home early.”
“yeah but i have to make sure you’re home,” the younger replied from where he now leant his weight on the fridge with his eyes already shut.
“come on,” changbin nudged him slightly, “you can’t go to bed stood up against the fridge.”
nights like this were their normality now, changbin helping felix to get changed for bed, brush his teeth and cleanse his face before even beginning to think about getting ready himself. felix was always changbin’s first priority and despite the younger being known as the more doting one between them by the group (as he always made changbin heart shaped cookies or wrote him beautiful love poems for his birthday) it was changbin who would look after felix every day and night.
it was changbin who sat on the side of the bed and smiled fondly upon seeing his boyfriend already asleep nestled under the sheets. it was changbin who lightly pushed the hair out of his face before climbing in next to him. it was changbin who pressed a soft kiss to felix’s cheek before whispering, ‘i love you, good night,’ yet it was felix who couldn’t fall sleep without returning changbin’s words.