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system start. loading.
When he wakes up, he feels everything like it’s déjà vu. The lights are too bright, the air feels harsh and sensitive against his skin, and there’s a strange whirring noise coming from somewhere inside him. It’s probably a cough.
“You’re awake!” a voice says, and Nagisa looks up at him. A tinny voice inside his head reminds him that the blue hair, the tenor and the face, and even the glasses, are distinctive of one person.
“Rei-chan?” he asks, his voice coming out strange. Maybe he hasn’t recovered from that cough yet. He attempts to sit up but his limbs go weak.
“Don’t sit up, you hit your head pretty badly,” Rei says, and he tries to argue, but my head feels fine, but there’s something dizzying about the lights in this place, and the remote in Rei’s hand powers off the lights one by one. He feels sleepy again.
[ sleep verb, noun
BrE / sliːp /
NAmE / sliːp /
1 [ intransitive ] (+ adv./prep.) to rest with your eyes closed and your mind and body not active
2 [ transitive , no passive ] ~ sb to have enough beds for a particular number of people
1 [ uncountable ] the natural state of rest in which your eyes are closed, your body is not active, and your mind is not conscious]
Where had that come from?
(“Nagisa-kun, you’re not very good at remembering these definitions, are you?”
“Not unless they’re in history, Rei-chan! History is fun!”
“So is being an astronaut, I hope.”
“Yeah, but not –”)
Nagisa. So that’s my name.
“Rei-chan? What’s wrong with me?”
Rei’s face goes a little white. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. You hit your head but you didn’t have a concussion.”
“Promise?” he murmurs. Powering off, the tinny voice in his head says.
“Promise.”
He laughs a little in a high voice, in a nervous habit that he identifies instantly, like it’s programmed into him.
And that’s how he finds out (again?) that Ryuugazaki Rei (space engineer, division six of Starfleet, assigned to monitor space) is a terrible liar.
***
It’s fine, at first.
He’s still having some trouble walking, but Rei treats him like he’s made of porcelain and nanometal, careful to not even let him fall. His movements are still uncoordinated and clumsy, and Rei is so careful that he doesn’t even let go of him in the corridors.
This is just like the time Nagisa tried to teach him to swim, but failed miserably. Except that he’s getting better, and fluider movements are possible in here, where the gravity is much lesser than that of earth.
“I don’t remember how to swim breaststroke anymore,” he complains, and watches Rei frown down at him, his hands brushing away the hair on his face. Something rises to his cheeks hotly, and he wonders if it’s supposed to be a blush. He feels strange, like his cheeks are burning too.
Is that what it feels like?
“You’ll remember soon enough. Or maybe I can teach you, this time, when we’re back on Earth.”
“I’ll just get Haru-chan to show me!” He only swims freestyle, though, so he probably won’t help. He doesn’t understand why he can’t remember how to do it in the first place. He doesn’t remember a lot of things, like things he should know from textbooks, the controls of the ship, how to read the spectrometer. Rei tells him it’s because he hit his head.
But I never had a concussion in the first place.
Over time it both makes less sense, and more.
He attempts to bounce through the hallways when Rei isn’t looking, and his arms move purely from muscle memory, in an awkward arc. Butterfly swimming, his mind supplies.
(“Even your butterfly is pretty terrible, Rei-chan.”
“It’s not your stroke either!!”)
He doesn’t understand.
***
It’s been six months now.
Rei’s always tinkering away with the machines in the corner, repairing the spaceship one metre at a time. He hates being interrupted but he never minds Nagisa coming over to stare and ask him questions, or even drag him away for a meal.
He doesn’t know how he knows this, but he just knows.
“When was that photo taken?” he asks, because the details seem very blurry all the time whenever he looks at the frame. He remembers a redheaded girl taking the picture and laughing at them, (Matsuoka Gou, April 5th, 2014) and the smell of summer flowers, and laughter that sounds like three people.
“It was when you were attempting to teach me to swim, remember? We had a day off –” Rei stops working on whatever he’s doing to look up at him leaning over him, a hint of panic in his eyes. “Do you not remember?”
“The details are a bit...” he trails off, and scratches his head. It feels like a new sensation and something old at the same time. “Never mind, just tell me about it.”
Rei does, and he records it in his head like he would in a database. Out of the blue, he remembers watching an episode of Sherlock with him.
(“The mind palace is a stunning concept! If only I was able to create something that beautiful!”
“If I had one, I’d have a separate room for food flavours!”
“That’s not what it’s supposed to be used for, Nagisa-kun!”)
He hesitates, and backtracks, closing his eyes. In his head, he can picture a huge pantry, with enormous shelves that reach the ceiling.
“That sounds wonderful, Rei-chan,” he exclaims. “Now I feel like I remember everything! I don’t know what was wrong with me right now, honestly.”
“Maybe it’s your concussion acting up again,” Rei suggests, his voice slightly high. Tremulous, his mind supplies.
“Maybe,” he allows, and diverts the topic. “You can always check on me later, Rei-chan, but I’m hungry right now, so can we eat?”
The relieved look in his eyes says everything. “Sure. We can have strawberry shortcake.”
“I still can’t believe you managed to sneak that flavour in when the department decided against it. You’re the best, Rei-chan!”
His glasses glint, and Rei sniffs, and his expression is the dorky one Nagisa has always been so fond of.
(Hazuki Nagisa. Twenty three. Youngest astronaut on the entire sixth division of Starfleet. Disqualified–)
Disqualified?
A cold feeling builds inside him, right where the curious whirring noise inside him sounds. Heartbeat. A heartbeat.
That’s not what a heartbeat sounds like.
(“Even stones have hearts, if you listen to them enough, Rei-chan.”)
“I change my mind, I’m going to go out for a walk. Is the weather good enough?”
Rei peers at him, his expression changing to concerned. “Are you sure you’re alright today, Nagisa-kun?”
Stop calling me that. “Yes, yes I am! I just want to go and explore some more, you know? I don’t like being cooped up in here all day!”
Rei’s face clears. “I’ll make the arrangements, then – you should probably go change into your suit. You haven’t worn it in quite a while.”
He nods enthusiastically and makes his way towards the chamber where his suit is kept. He can feel his face crumple when he turns the corner.
Why can’t I remember anything? Is it always going to be like this? Restricted access. Restricted access. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? Rei-chan. Rei-chan, what have you done?
The chamber is locked. He grabs the cardkey and slides it across the panel, and his eyes tingle. No tears come out.
(“It’s all right. I mean, I’m sure my sisters can handle me living with them for one more semester. You’ll be back soon enough.”
“I can’t believe I still haven’t met your sisters.”
“Well, the twins aren’t very keen on meeting you, since they’re convinced you’re going to carry me off on your white steed, Rei-chan.”
“WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!”
Soft laughter. “Your rocket is pure white, isn’t it, Rei-chan?”)
I can’t remember their faces. I can’t remember. When was this. What is this?
The door takes too long to open and the smoke clears a second later, but his suit is orange and he remembers scraps of conversation about anime and something about a Naruto colour. It looks like it hasn’t been used in a long time.
No, he realizes. It looks like it hasn’t been used at all.
What is this supposed to mean?
***
It comes to a head, as it always does, when he runs away.
Rei’s told him not to go past the border, the only area he has mapped out on his radar, and the rover systems are too broken or scavenged by him for spare parts to fix the ship for him to send them out to do the work for him.
The blue area of the crater is the one with vegetation, and while he isn’t stupid enough to actually think that they could find anything edible in it, it holds valuable information for the composition of life outside of earth.
He collects the shinier rocks, the ones that look like metal ores, and recalls telling Rei about wanting to find mushy aliens in outer space. Maybe next time. This mission hasn’t been a total failure, at least –
He can only remember his own face, like he’s looking into a mirror.
He drops the glittering rock in his hand into the sample packet, and suddenly collapses on the soft ground. At least it’s not quicksand.
(“What are you going to do, Rei-chan? This mission is going to be an excellent one, you know? And it’s only a field trip, so you won’t be away for more than a few months.”
“I’ll miss you, though.”)
He can’t see Rei’s face. Just his.
He looks down at the rock he’s clutching in his hand and picks it up to examine it against the light. It’s reflecting colours of the rainbow.
“Don’t run away again, Nagisa-kun,” he remembers. There’s really nothing to be afraid of.
He comes to a resolution.
***
“Do you still have the novels I read in one of your bookshelves, or did you throw it away?” he asks when he gets back. He doesn’t tell Rei about going to the crater. Rei probably hasn’t even noticed the samples he’s collected.
“The novels? Oh, there’s that extremely cheesy one in the back room, I think.”
“The one about the heart?” he asks, to confirm. This seems like a familiar topic, a too-familiar one, if Rei’s face is any indication.
“Yes, that highly illogical one.” Rei sniffs and turns away. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to work on this part, it’s very nearly done.”
He stifles a laugh at Rei’s disgruntled face and makes his way towards the back room, which is really a fancy name for Rei’s junkyard. Even the books in there don’t look well-preserved. It’s only an illusion though, because they’re all hard-bound covers. Rei has never neglected to take care of any of his books, like the old-fashioned nerd he is.
He finds the novel buried under five feet of other junk metal, and sits down on the rickety stool in the room, and begins to read.
It’s a simple story, about a girl who has a heart condition, and a boy who’s going to die.
***
(“That was awful.” Nagisa says, tears streaming down his eyes. “I’ve never read crappier writing in my life.”
“Nagisa-kun, please stop crying.” Rei sounds a little panicked. “I’m not good with crying people in general, and this is embarrassing, and this novel isn’t even that good.”
“You’re right, it’s terrible.” Nagisa flings the book down on the desk and flops over in the chair, his head meeting the desk as well. “I don’t know why I’m crying, it’s probably because it’s romantic.”
“There is nothing romantic about a heart condition!”
“No, there isn’t. But there’s definitely something romantic about getting to see someone you love survive you, even if you’re going to die, and that too with your help.” Nagisa slides the book across the desk, staring up at Rei fondly.)
***
The thing about Ryuugazaki Rei is –
Well, the thing about Ryuugazaki Rei is that he’s always so logical about everything, so careful about every theory that he implements, that he sometimes forgets that the little things are important too.
***
He gets out again the next day to visit the blue area of the crater. He can hear Rei puttering around, trying to fix the last component in the controls.
It has to be the last component, because he’s been working at that particular panel for a week now, and half of his tools have been cleaned up. He’s gathered that Rei needs A-grade porcelain for it, peeking at his notes.
Only, they don’t have porcelain.
He collects the rocks and sits on top of one of the curling wild greenish blue bushes on the blue ground. The sky in here is purple.
The sky Nagisa knows is blue and black, and so many shades in between. Sometimes they have rainbows on Earth. (“Sometimes, Rin-chan would make rainbows for us, and they were so beautiful, you should come to the pool next time too, Rei-chan –”)
He can’t remember what that looked like, because Rei had never been there.
He wonders what earth is like.
(I’ll never know.)
His hand goes to the soft whirring inside his chest, and he takes off his helmet. As expected, he can breathe in this air.
He just doesn’t need to.
(“Hearts are made of glass. Hearts are made to be broken,” Nagisa quotes from the book.
“That’s a sadistic thing to say!”
“No, that’s what you would say, if you were poetic enough.”)
Glass. Porcelain.
He slides his hand across the soft skin below his collarbones until he finds the tiny panel. It really isn’t noticeable unless you search for it. The tinny voice in his head begins to list the components inside his chest, one by one.
Nanometal. Carbon fibre. A-grade porcelain.
Of course.
***
He's learnt from Rei's calendar that it's the one year anniversary of the Iwatobi crashing on this planet.
It’s also the last time he’s going to be cooking for him. He wonders if Nagisa would really eat the poisonous mushroom too, just like he pretended to. If Rei had really loved the glittering rocks he got.
He wonders what kind of person the real Nagisa is, to be so loved, to be so in love with his creator.
He makes Rei talk about all the things he has seen again, craving the look on his face, the one he hasn’t seen ever. He knows that Rei would talk for hours given the chance, but he’s never taken that chance before. He studies his expressions, listens to all the memories he had known secondhand (firsthand? does it count when Rei had painstakingly put them inside him, carefully written them into his code?) and counts all the smiles he won’t remember.
When he stands and pulls his panel open, looking at the shock on his face, he finds a last bit of information, stored away in his head.
(“It’s really not logical, though, what kind of person would give up their heart just for the person they love?”
“That’s coming from the person who says love itself is illogical, Rei-chan,” Nagisa gently snickers, and Rei huffs. “It’s a chemical reaction in the brain that causes it, Nagisa-kun, humans don’t need it to exist.”
“Well, you had enough of that chemical reaction to sleep in a birthday cake for me last month –”
“You promised you wouldn’t bring it up again!”
“Okay, okay, jeez, Rei-chan, such a spoilsport.” Nagisa picks up the book again, pushing his head up on the table and supporting it with his elbows, a hand on his chin. “I don’t know about you, but I know I’d do the same thing if I got a chance.”)
He wonders if Nagisa would do the same, and something – not the voice in his head, not the soft whirring in his chest – tells him yes. His cheeks burn, but he feels – happy. Happiness. This feeling is happiness.
He wonders what the skies are like back on earth, and whether they really are blue like swimming pools, or purple like Rei’s eyes and this strange planet’s skies.
He wonders if Rei realizes –
Or maybe, he muses, it’s possible that he never even considered what it means to have Nagisa’s memories, Nagisa’s experiences. It’s highly possible that he doesn’t even understand –
that in every lifetime, someone with Nagisa’s memories means that they are naturally – like it’s an evolutionary step – programmed to love Ryuugazaki Rei.
And as he opens the panel in his chest, and hands out his heart for Rei to keep, he wonders if Rei knows that his own lies with the real Nagisa.
And wonders, if the logical feeling of truth (a binary number) when he pulls out the porcelain and finds the whirring in his chest come to a stop isn’t love, then what is? What is?
[love noun, verb
BrE / lʌv /
NAmE / lʌv /
noun
affection
1 [ uncountable ] a strong feeling of deep affection for sb/sth, especially a member of your family or a friend
a mother's love for her children
He seems incapable of love.
romantic
2 [ uncountable ] a strong feeling of affection for sb that you are sexually attracted to
a love song/story
We're in love !
She was in love with him .
They fell in love with each other.
It was love at first sight (= they were attracted to each other the first time they met) .
They're madly in love .
Their love grew with the years.
enjoyment
3 [ uncountable , singular ] the strong feeling of enjoyment that sth gives you
a love of learning
He's in love with his work.
I fell in love with the house.
sb/sth you like
4 [ countable ] a person, a thing or an activity that you like very much
Take care, my love.
He was the love of my life (= the person I loved most) .]
(He is.)
system error. reboot. memory formatting. memory clean.