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The trees were taunting her, Arizona was sure of it.
Their long limbs stretched towards the sky above her, painting her in the shadows of their stoicism, swaying softly in the wind. She laid below, glancing up with hatred in her heart. How dare they have the audacity to still stand, when she couldn’t move her legs from under her mangled body?
It’s been days. She couldn’t tell how many, but she kept track by the shuddering breaths that managed to crawl their way out of her lungs and freeze in the air. She wanted to reach out and grab them, keep them safe, because she knew now more than ever that life is precious and breathing means you still have it.
Lexie didn’t. The pilot didn’t. Their corpses remained rooted to the soil, decaying with every drop of rain that fell down onto their skin. It rained a lot in Seattle, so Arizona should’ve been used to it. But she still jumped with every pitter of water; she couldn’t discern her tears from the heavy rainfall, but she supposed it didn’t matter anymore.
Every time she closed her eyes, she saw something different. At first, it was Calliope. Her face, her laughter, the way her taut muscles moved above her in bed. She pictured the darkness of Seattle at night, and the quiet glow of their bedroom after their day has become silent with a kind of need that flung their blouses across the room, the kind of need that was palpable and surprising.
Her need for Calliope was always surprising, because she never thought she would ever crave the touch of her wife more than she did in that instant. But then, she somehow did. It was ludicrous, really, how much she needed her- how much she still needed her.
Closing her eyes was torture, because that was the only time Calliope was within reach. She would see her, and hold out her arms, desperate to latch on and never let go again. But, her wife never moved closer. Instead, she smiled sadly and faded to grey, leaving Arizona cold and alone and desperate.
Sometimes, she’d see another woman, laying on her side of the bed, kissing her wife’s neck and breathing in her scent. Another woman, hugging Sofia close and packing lunches for her. She’d watch the family walk to the elementary school that eventually morphed into a high school graduation. She’d watch Calliope dance at Sofia’s wedding, holding the other woman close like she once held Arizona, the force of their bodies magnetic. She’d watch the years pass without her, without her, without her.
So, she didn’t close her eyes. She must have gone more than forty-eight hours without a wink of sleep. Her eyes burned and her heart felt weak; she knew that if she could rip it out of her chest and examine it, the muscle would be drained of any blood and strength and life she had left.
Don’t close your eyes, she’d plead with herself. Don’t escape- you don’t deserve it.
Her surroundings never changed. The plane was still there, charred and dismembered. Meredith and Cristina and Derek still sat huddled together, shivering beside a man made fire. Mark still laid next to the love of his life, holding her cold hand in his, praying that it would grow warm again.
And Arizona’s gaze still bored up into the trees, challenging them to break free from their roots and timber down right next to her.
She wondered if Calliope knew- she must have gotten word by now, from Owen or Richard or even the news. She wondered if she was scared. She didn’t want her to be; she wanted her to be strong like Arizona never was. She wanted Sofia to lead a life where she knew she was loved, even if Arizona wasn’t there to see it.
God, she just got Sofia. She just got a family. She didn’t want to lose them.
Eventually, her eyes grew too heavy to keep open, and she succumbed to an unwanted sleep.
***
“Open your eyes, Arizona.”
She grumbled and rolled over, trying to quell her mind back into a slumber desperately needed. But then she realized that there was a bed beneath her, soft sheets and an even softer mattress.
“Where am I?” she murmured, but she still didn’t open her eyes. If this was a dream, then she would enjoy the comfort while it lasted.
Except, she heard a soft chuckle sound from above her, and she knew who it belonged to.
“Tim?” Her eyes shot open, searching frantically for her brother. When she saw him, leaning over her bedside sporting a crooked smile, she grew even more confused.
“Where am I?” she asked again, but he just shrugged.
“Wherever you want to be.”
She tried to climb out of bed, but her legs wouldn’t move. She couldn’t move, and she felt anxiety creep up her spine and embrace her senses. The room was small, but she recognized it instantly- this was her apartment. Only, Calliope and Sofia weren’t there. Mark wasn't across the hall. The only living thing that inhabited the space was her, and the ghost of her brother.
“I want to be home,” she cried. “I want my wife and my daughter and my life.”
She was practically screaming, her words tearing from her throat with a fire she never knew she possessed, but her brother didn’t seem fazed.
“Then make it happen,” Tim replied.
Arizona scoffed, but then softened when she took in his features- his wisps of soft blonde hair, the wrinkles on his forehead, the long lashes she was always jealous of. She’s looked at photographs, studied them, since he died- she kept a scrapbook in the back of her closet, opening it up nearly every night. But watching his nose twitch and his eyes dance felt infinitely better than pictures- it felt real.
Suddenly, a thought so dismal took hold of her, sinking into her skin and choking her until she had to ask-
“Am I dead?”
She breathed out a sigh of relief when Tim shook his head, shooting her another crooked smile. She remembered how their mother always told him that it looked cocky, but Arizona disagreed; she thought it looked beautiful.
“No, you’re not dead, Z,” he said. “But you will be if you stop fighting.”
“How can I fight when I can’t even move my legs?”
Tim brought a hand to his chest and tapped, right where his heart should have been beating beneath skin. “It’s all in here. You need to fight your own mind when it’s telling you to give in to the pain. You’re a good man in a storm, Arizona. So brave the weather and wait for the sunshine.”
Arizona felt tears leak down her cheeks, but they weren’t of sadness- they were of fear. It plagued her soul, seeping right down to her bones until she was sure she was made of everything she was afraid of.
“What if Calliope’s better off without me?” she heard herself ask, even though her voice felt foreign to her.
“Do you really think that, Z? In your heart, do you really believe that your wife isn’t dying to know where you are, if you’re safe?”
“That’s the problem,” she snapped. “She doesn’t deserve any of this- the crash, my baggage, my insecurities. And Sofia doesn’t need a crippled mother.”
Tim pitched his head back and let out a sharp laugh, just once, before shooting her a disbelieving look. “No offense, but if she stayed with you after you left for Africa, and got her into a car accident, she’ll keep staying with you through whatever happens next. I know it, hell, you know it too. But you’re scared and I get that, I really do.” He glanced away, but his tears gleamed under the light that escaped through the blinds.
Arizona felt the anger melt into sadness, into grief, into the sorrow of knowing she only had a chance to speak to her brother when she was dreaming. Or, maybe she wasn’t dreaming- maybe she was floating.
“I miss you, Tim.” Her voice broke, crumbling to the ground. She stared down into the shattered pieces of her life and the brother she loved so dearly, wishing she had a will strong enough to put them back together again.
“I’m right here,” he said. “I’ve always been right here.”
They sat in silence for a few moments, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. If anything, it was the most peace Arizona has felt in years.
“Were you scared?” Arizona asked. “Before you died?”
Tim looked pensive, but then he shook his head. “No, I wasn’t.”
“Why?”
“I knew I served my country. I knew I made my family proud- I made you proud.” He grinned and reached out a hand to tug a loose strand of unruly blonde hair. “That’s why you can’t leave yet. You need to make your family proud.”
Arizona choked out a sob as he pulled his hand away, shoving it into his pockets instead. She yearned for another touch, another smile, another day with her brother. But she knew it was time for him to go, and time for her to fight.
She settled on one last question. “How will I make them proud, Tim?”
Before he faded to black, before Arizona woke up to a dark and dismal wood, he answered with a tilt of his head and his crooked smile.
“By staying.”
***
When Arizona opened her eyes, she was still in the woods. Her leg was still broken and bleeding. Lexie was still dead.
But the trees weren’t taunting her anymore; instead, they reminded her what strength looked like amidst chaos. They reminded her to stand tall and let the whistle of the wind determine where she needed to go.
And, where she needed to go was the home.
The next time she closed her eyes, she saw Calliope sleeping beside her. She saw Sofia clamber into bed with them and snuggle under the covers. She saw the portrait of Tim laid gently on her bedside table, smiling at her from worlds away. She saw a future, bright and burning and possible.
She would stay, and she would make her family proud by doing so.