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Yasha doesn’t get a whole lot of sleep that night, for many very obvious reasons.
It’s not just the fact that Lucien and the Tomb Takers are bearing down on them and could find them at any second. It’s not just the anticipation of whether their elaborate traps and plan will actually work. It’s not just the fact that Beau is sitting out there right now and isn’t in here with her.
Yasha has a bad feeling, which isn’t unusual, but it’s the fact that she can’t place it that’s making her worry. They could all die tomorrow. Some of them could die tomorrow and the others would be left to pick up the pieces. She and Beau haven’t had a conversation about what that might look like.
She quickly realises that she doesn’t want the next time she talks to Beau to be when she’s bleeding out on the icy ground in this cavern. So she decides to not wait for Beau to come find her, but rather go to her instead.
Yasha knows everyone has to be at the top of their game tomorrow, so she moves quietly throughout the tower, descending down the middle space until she’s on the bottom floor. She can see Fjord and Essek milling about on their own, and it isn’t long before she spots Beau. She’s sitting on the hard floor, all of her equipment on and her weapon sitting beside her. She’s definitely ready for a fight, as they all should be. But Yasha doesn’t like the idea of Beau diving headfirst without any rest at all.
Yasha doesn’t say anything at first, only sits down beside her, crossing her legs.
Beau turns and smiles gently. “Hey.”
Yasha pats the top of her thighs as Beau follows her hands with her gaze. Without a moment of hesitation, she moves from her position and hoists herself into Yasha’s lap facing sideways.
Being this close to her face is more than a little intoxicating for Yasha. She’s still not quite used to having Beau as her girlfriend, especially since they’ve hardly had any quiet moments like this since their date.
“Couldn’t sleep?” Beau asks quietly, and Yasha can tell she’s exhausted herself.
“It’s stupid, but… being in this tower and not being in your bed with you is weird.” Yasha laughs quietly. Even though the tower is back to looking how it originally did, all Yasha sees when she looks around is remnants of her and Beau’s date. This is where they did it all - first kiss, first ‘I love you’, first time - in this tiny little pocket plane.
Beau smiles lazily. “You could’ve slept in my bed. It’s yours, too.”
“There’s no point if you’re not there.” Yasha smiles back, giving her a quick kiss on the temple. Besides, everything resets itself anyway, so it’s not like the bed is going to smell like Beau or anything.
Beau takes the opportunity to settle in further, wrapping her arms around Yasha and holding her close. They remain in silence for a few moments, but it’s obvious to Yasha what’s on both of their minds.
“I didn’t… want to go into tomorrow without talking to you.”
Beau nods a little. It’s a conversation Yasha has been dreading but she knows they have to have it. They’ve only been together for several days, but they’ve loved each other for much longer. They’ve been through too much together, and this isn’t their first rodeo. What lies ahead is a difficult conversation for them to have.
“We haven’t talked since…” Yasha swallows. “Since you said you were ready to die.”
Yasha feels Beau tense up at her words, as if she knows exactly what Yasha is about to say next. Beau lifts her head to look directly in her eyes. “I’m sorry. I wanna say I didn’t mean it like that, but…”
“I know,” Yasha murmurs, reaching out to tuck some of Beau’s hair behind her ear. “I’m glad you were honest about it but… thinking about it, it’s…” In short, the idea is killing her. It’s not something she can accept.
Beau takes Yasha’s face in her hands. “I’m not searching for opportunities to throw myself into the fire. I want to be with you. Of course I want to live.”
The words come at Yasha like a warhammer. “I... wish self sacrifice wasn’t your first instinct.” She remembers the hag and the choices Beau wanted to make. She remembers Kamordah and her family. She remembers the exact moment Yasha fell in love with her. As much as she loves Beau’s selflessness, it can sometimes come at a price that is too high.
Yasha takes the opportunity to rest her forehead against Beau’s. “And the other thing you said? About killing you if you turn? You know that I… it won’t be me who does that.”
Yasha’s not sure why, but the admission seems to surprise Beau a little, as she pulls away from her to look at her face. “Yasha, if I turn, I could be a danger to everyone-”
“What about when I turned? I was a danger. I almost…” She swallows the words immediately. She knows she can’t keep bringing up the fact that she almost killed Beau. She knows it’s not healthy to hold on to it the way she does. Bringing it up just makes everyone feel bad, and Yasha doesn’t want to keep reliving it.
Beau shakes her head. “That’s exactly the reason why. I can’t hurt you or anyone else.”
“I don’t care, Beau, I’m not going to abandon you.” Yasha locks her jaw. “You saved me. Caduceus cast the spell and everyone helped in their own way, but you… ” She tries to settle herself with a breath. “You’re one of the biggest reasons why I didn’t run away after all of it.”
Beau doesn’t say anything, only searches Yasha’s eyes with her own. Yasha wouldn’t be surprised if she could read her every thought. They’ve always had this strange, unspeakable connection, and it became especially prominent after Beau learned about Yasha’s past and things became a little more serious between them.
“Maybe Fjord or Caduceus or Veth would be willing to do it, but I won’t.” Her voice breaks as it drops down to a whisper, “I already feel like I killed Zuala. I cannot lose you. Especially not by my hand when there’s a chance you could be saved.”
“You…” Beau shakes her head, the confusion and shock hitting her instantly. “You did not kill Zuala.” She draws Yasha back in to rest their foreheads together again. “Every day I think about… tracking down your tribe and just…” She scrunches her nose.
Before she’s able to finish her sentence, Yasha reaches around her back and pulls her in tighter. Beau moves her head so it ends up buried in Yasha’s shoulder, and Yasha just closes her eyes as tight as she can. Yasha knows she’s overcome some pretty horrific things in her life, but the idea of facing down Beau and having to kill her, she’s not sure she’s strong enough for that. And even if she was, she would fight against it with every instinct in her body.
“I think you’ll do whatever the right thing is in this battle and every battle. You know I trust you.” Beau pauses. “And nobody has lost anybody yet. So we should focus on that.”
Yasha can’t help but break out into a watery smile, not realising she had tears forming in her eyes. She can do that. The hard stuff will come later. She wants to enjoy every moment she can with Beau. “Look at you being positive.”
Pulling back, Beau looks at Yasha fondly, which manages to disarm Yasha in the span of three seconds. “Well, I’ve had some positivity in my life lately. Strangely.”
“I’ll take it,” Yasha murmurs quietly, her lips finding Beau’s. She doesn’t realise how intense the kiss gets until Beau’s hands find Yasha’s hair and a hum leaves her throat. “Come to bed,” Yasha mumbles, a little breathless. “Come hold me.”
Yasha can see Beau tries to hide the smile that creeps on to her face, but she fails miserably. There are certain stages of vulnerability for Yasha, and she knows Beau knows that’s a big one. “Hold you?” Beau reads her expression, her own eyes soft. “It just so happens I’m an expert on the subject.”
“Oh, yeah?” Yasha knows there’s a pink tinge to her own cheeks, but she feels far less embarrassed about most things in Beau’s presence.
“Mhm.” Beau pauses, taking the time to study Yasha’s face intently. Yasha wishes she knew what she was thinking. “Y’know, this whole self sacrifice thing… goes both ways. You’re under my protection, so.”
Yasha smiles. “I’m luckier than most.” She’s not sure she could ever put Beau in the situation that she herself had been in with Zuala. Only if Beau’s life was on the line and there was no other option. She doesn’t want Beau to experience any more pain and loneliness than she already has in her life.
Beau slides off Yasha’s lap before standing up, seemingly brushing past the doom and gloom talk. “Well… we might as well make use of a warm bed while we can.” She holds out her hand to Yasha.
It’s a little comical as Yasha takes her hand, because along with Yasha’s own help, it takes both of Beau’s hands and her planting her feet to help her up off the ground.
“It’s all that gem cracking you’ve been doing, with your biceps” Beau remarks when they’re both standing, and she presses a kiss to her shoulder.
“Well…” Yasha gives her an easy shrug and a smirk, before slinging her arm over Beau’s shoulders. “You were impressed.”
“Oh, always.” Beau gives a firm nod and a smile, leaning into Yasha as they make their way back towards the centre chamber.
Once they step inside Beau’s bedroom and shut the door, Yasha suddenly feels worried all over again. Every minute that passes is a minute closer to Lucien. To the man who has taken Molly’s body and can easily kill any of them at any moment. And that’s not even the worst of it. Not with Aeor and the mysteries of the Somnovem breathing down their necks.
“Hey, Beau?”
Beau stops on the way to the bed and turns. “Mm?”
Yasha closes the difference between them, engulfing Beau in a tight hug. She feels Beau relax against her instantly, her arms circling Yasha’s waist. For a moment, it wipes her mind completely clean, and all she can think about is how warm Beau is. She wishes that was all she had to think about right now. She longs for a time where she can love Beau without the two of them being in constant peril.
“It’ll be okay,” Beau murmurs against her chest, making it a point to hold her even tighter. “We will.”
“Yeah,” Yasha whispers back.
It’s all she can manage to say, and if she has to make it so herself, then she will do it without an ounce of hesitation.