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At the sound of the doorbell, Jackie checked her appearance in the mirror to make sure she was at her most alluring, straightened her blouse, walked slowly to the door of her flat, opened it, looked at the person standing there, and said "Oh. What's happened to Sunil?"
"He's got a job at Valley Fields," the young woman said. "Boiler burst or something."
"And Wally?" Jackie asked.
"He said there was a woman in Park Street with water running down her walls. So they sent me round instead."
Jackie gave the new arrival another puzzled look. Her bleached hair was tucked under a baseball cap, she was wearing overalls, and she had a bag of tools slung over her shoulder.
"Are you really a plumber?" she asked.
"Dunno," the young woman said. "Give me a moment and I'll check." Taking the namebadge from her overalls, she read it out. "'Plumbing the Depths. Operative Lucie Miller.'" She clipped the badge back on. "Looks like I am, doesn't it?"
"Sorry." Jackie shook her head. "Thought I knew all the plumbers round here. Are you new?"
"Have a lot of trouble with your pipes, then?" Lucie asked.
"Didn't they tell you? If it isn't one thing it's another. I bet Sunil's got my flat on speed-dial on his Satnav."
"Wouldn't surprise me," Lucie said, sounding as if she was suspending any judgement on why this might be. "So what's up this time?"
"It's the kitchen. The drain's blocked again. I tried running the washing machine and it came up into the sink."
"OK. Let's have a look, then."
Jackie led Lucie through into the kitchen. She'd already emptied the relevant cupboards, in preparation for the plumber's visit (and made certain other preparations in her bedroom, but those certainly wouldn't apply to Lucie).
"It starts under the sink and goes through that cupboard," she said. "Dunno why it keeps bunging up. Last time Sunil said something about not having enough fall but there wasn't any way to fix it except redo the whole kitchen. Something like that, anyway. I don't understand these things."
Lucie gave her a perky smile. "Leave it with me, and I'll see what I can do."
⁂
Jackie's frequent plumbing difficulties had given her more knowledge of her flat's pipework than she was prepared to admit to, and the ability to make a rough estimate of how long any particular job might be expected to take. She'd waited for the sort of time that Sunil or Wally might have taken, plus a generous allowance for Lucie most likely being new to the job. When, after that time, there was no diminution in the banging and cursing from the direction of the kitchen, she went to see what was going on.
"How are you getting on?" she asked of Lucie's legs, which were sticking out of one of the cupboards. "Do you want a cup of tea?"
There was a muffled gasp, then Lucie wriggled backwards out of the cupboard. Her cap was askew, her face red and smeared with grease, and her overalls noticeably dirtier than when she had arrived.
"Cup of tea'd be lovely, thanks," she said. "Only keep the plug in the sink, 'cos I've got all the drains out at the moment."
"What's the trouble?" Jackie asked, as she busied herself with the kettle.
"It's where the pipe goes into the wall," Lucie said. "Completely blocked. I haven't managed to shift it yet."
"That sounds bad. Milk and sugar?"
"No milk, thanks. Three sugars." Lucie took the cup and sipped at it. "That's better."
"So what are you gonna do?" Jackie surveyed the chaos. Several lengths of pipe were scattered across the floor, along with wrenches, screwdrivers, and puddles of murky water.
"Oh, I'll get it." Lucie gulped down tea. "Just need to find the right— the right tool."
"Any idea what it is? I don't throw fat down there. I'm ever so careful."
Lucie shrugged. "Feels round. Maybe some kid's shoved a tennis ball in there?"
"I don't see how."
"Nor me, but that's not what you're paying me for." Lucie drained her cup. "Right. Back to work. No need to hang around, I'll let you know when I'm done."
"OK." Jackie retreated to her bedroom, and waited for the noises of plumbing to resume. Once she was sure Lucie was back on the job, she changed her high heels for slippers, and crept silently back to the kitchen. As before, only the bottom half of Lucie was visible, squirming this way and that as she attempted to get a purchase on the blockage.
"Let's be having you, now," Lucie muttered. There was a whirr that Jackie recognised instantly, then a hollow plop. "Gotcha."
Jackie took a step or two back, as Lucie backed out of the cupboard again. This time, there was something in Lucie's hands. Two somethings, actually: a turquoise, pulsating globe, and a slender silver rod.
Lucie turned, and started guiltily as her eyes met Jackie's.
"OK," Jackie said. "No more monkey business. What are you doing here, really?"
"Told you," Lucie retorted. "I'm a plumber."
"You really think I'm that dim?" Jackie pointed at the rod. "I know a sonic screwdriver when I see one. You didn't come here just because I've got a blocked drain." She picked up the rolling pin, and advanced threateningly on Lucie. "This is about Rose, isn't it? You're trying to get at Rose!"
"Who's Rose?"
"I'm not taking any more of your—" Jackie began, and stopped at the sound of something shattering. Her eyes met Lucie's; then they both looked down, at the globe in Lucie's hand. As if in some ghastly conjuring trick, it was disgorging a puffy, iridescent, bluish-green creature, which reminded Jackie of a forearm-sized centipede. Its head swung this way and that, then darted at Lucie.
Instinctively, Jackie swung her rolling pin at the creature, knocking it — and the globe it was hatching from — to the floor. It didn't seem to be harmed by the fall; it pulled its tail free of the remains of the globe, and skittered across the floor in Jackie's direction, snapping its claws.
Lucie kicked one of the pipe sections across the floor. As the creature's head snapped round, she hastily clambered up onto the worktop. Jackie lost no time in following suit, hoisting herself up onto the draining board with more speed than she'd have thought possible.
"What the hell is that thing?" she asked.
"No idea," Lucie said. "Think I'll call it Mr Snappy. If it's any help, it's from..." She dug in her overalls and pulled out a tattered bit of paper. "Fulvia Two." She read on. "You got any caustic soda?"
"On the shelf." Jackie pointed. "Up there. Why?"
Hanging onto a cupboard, Lucie leaned across until she could secure the packet. "'Cos it'll kill Mr Snappy," she said, and gave the paper another dubious look. "Hope so, anyway."
"Can't we just squash it or something?"
"It'd melt your foot if you tried." Lucie tossed the box across to Jackie. "Mix it up in some hot water. Hang on, where's it going now?"
"Don't complain," Jackie said, trying to keep one eye on the creature as it headed in the direction of the lounge, while simultaneously filling the kettle. "Maybe it's lost interest in us."
"D'you want to find it in your bed tonight?"
Jackie grimaced. "I see what you mean. Hang on." She opened a drawer and pulled out a fork. "Hey! Mr Snappy! Over here!"
She threw the fork onto the floor. The creature turned back, pounced on it, then cast around and headed in Jackie's direction.
"Over here!" Lucie called, and threw her teacup onto the floor, where it shattered. "Sorry about that," she added.
"It'll come out of your bill," Jackie said. "OK, kettle's on. Feel like telling me why you had that thing in my kitchen anyway?"
Lucie folded her arms. "You tell me. It was in your drain."
"Really?"
"Really. Why d'you think His Nibs sent me here?" Seeing the creature make another attempt to climb the unit on which Jackie was sitting, Lucie tossed her saucer at it. "Well, he wouldn't come himself, would he? Get his nice frock-coat all mucky. So he sent me."
"Who sent you?"
"Calls himself the Doctor," Lucie said. Jackie must have reacted, because Lucie added "D'you know him, then?"
"Can't picture him in a frock-coat. Either of him. What does he sound like?"
"What d'you mean?"
"You sound like you're from the North," Jackie explained. "Does he?"
Lucie considered the matter. "He talks a bit like a scouser, I suppose. Never really thought about it."
"Doesn't ring a bell. Have you really never met Rose?"
"Never. This Rose... does she travel with the Doctor, then?"
"That's right," Jackie said.
"And you wash her clothes?"
"You should see the state she comes back in, sometimes," Jackie said.
Lucie smiled reminiscently. "I can guess. Been there, done that."
"But what's that got to do with—" Jackie broke off. "Hang on. The kettle's boiling."
"OK. Get that soda mixed up."
Jackie tipped the contents of the packet into the washing-up bowl, following them with the boiling water from the kettle. Moving carefully to avoid splashes, she picked up the bowl and balanced it on the edge of the worktop.
"This way," she muttered, as the alien centipede crept closer. "Let's be having you... now!"
She tipped the bowl. The boiling soda poured over the floor, engulfing the alien. It shuddered, stopped moving, and began to sizzle.
"Nice one," Lucie said, climbing down from the worktop. "Anyway, I reckon your Rose must've had one of the eggs on her clothes when she put it in the wash. It got into the drain and got stuck on something, and then it just — well, grew."
Jackie joined her on the floor. "And how come the Doctor didn't notice? Next time I see him I'll give him a —"
At this point, she was interrupted; the centipede's body, which had been swelling ominously, exploded, splattering Jackie, Lucie and every surface in the kitchen with gobbets of foul-smelling bluish goo.
"Why does that always happen?" she asked the Universe in general.
Lucie wiped the slime off her face with what turned out to be a dishcloth. "Dunno, but it does."
"Look, it's not your fault." Jackie patted Lucie on the shoulder. "You'd better have a shower or something, and I'll put your clothes in the wash."
Lucie shook her head. "You can't wash anything till I put the drains back together. Wait till I've done that and then I can get cleaned up."
"No! This stuff's probably poisonous. We need to get it off us right now. Tell you what. You can borrow some of Rose's clothes till we get sorted out." She darted forward, concern in her voice. "Look, your sleeve's all coming to bits."
"So's your skirt," Lucie said, hastily unzipping her disintegrating overalls.
"Really?" Jackie looked down. "That was one of my best skirts, too. Next time you see the Doctor, love, give him a slap from me."
"Yeah, and you give him one from me," Lucie said, bending down to unlace her slowly-melting boots. "Where's the shower?"
"Down the hall on the right." Jackie started to divest herself of her own ruined clothes. "And don't take too long, 'cos I'll need it after you, and this stuff doesn't half itch."
"I won't," Lucie said. Now down to her underwear, she headed for the shower, but turned back with a sudden laugh. "Bet you didn't think it'd end up like this when you called a plumber. Us both getting our kit off, I mean."
Left alone in the kitchen, Jackie permitted herself a reminiscent smile. "You'd be surprised, love."