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She waited until the door to her quarters hissed closed behind her before sliding to the floor in a dishevelled heap. “Computer lights off.” Janeway commanded.
She cradled herself and rocked gently.
Backwards and forwards. Over and over, shuddering, crying. Taking solace in the dark and quiet of her quarters.
Why? Why was she like this?
She knew she’d be ok. She’d live to command another day. She just needed time, but she was sick of this never ending merry-go-round of calm and storm.
It was worse than usual this time. She’d pushed too hard for too long. Nearly twenty-four hours without a break she'd had reason to of course. She had to wait until Voyager was safely away from the Verdann and then endure the impromptu celebration that followed.
But it came with a cost, it always did. The cost to, she wouldn't say her sanity, she was perfectly cogent, the cost to what she liked to call her equilibrium. The place of internal balance she carefully maintained that everything else flowed from.
All day she was in command. She was everything to everyone and then some. But after hours, the mask came off, crumbling around her as she dealt with the impact of the demands that came with being alert and vigilant for so long. The harsh lighting on the bridge that made the static in her brain increase. The parties Neelix threw in the mess hall that she always found some reason to leave early, just like she had tonight. She'd said she had a migraine; it wasn't that far from the truth really. The feeling her brain couldn't take any more input, the decreasing ability to process what people were saying and respond to their cues. She was exhausted so she swayed in the dark waiting it out, waiting for it to leave.
The door to her quarters chimed, startling her, shattering her hard fought peace.
Not now she thought I need more time...
It chimed again.
She felt her heart thumping in her chest willing her to get back up and fight against the pressure in her temples.
"Kathryn."
It was his voice, of course it was. Why couldn't he leave her alone for once? No, that was unfair, she should be grateful he cared so much.
"Kathryn I know you're in there I just wanted make sure you're alright."
"I'm ...k Chk."
Damn she hated it when this happened when she lost her speech... and he'd know. There was no hiding from him that something was wrong. Perhaps he’d still believe the migraine story? She pinned her hopes on that.
"You don't sound ok at all Kathryn may I come in?" He asked, polite, but insistent.
"Come!" She managed to enunciate clearly enough for the computer to open the door and let him in.
The door slid open, and he almost tripped over her sitting in the dark right in the doorway.
Panic engulfed her. What if someone walked past, what if they saw?
He came around and sat on the floor facing her, mercifully the door slid shut behind him quickly.
She breathed out.
But still she wondered if they knew, really knew who she was would they still want her? More to the point would he still want her?
She knew how her First Officer felt about her and for so long she’d hidden behind parameters, fraternisation protocols, Starfleet rules, long dead relationships. Excuses. Pathetic excuses all of them. She hated herself for it. But she couldn’t face the rejection, not from him.
Even on that planet she’d barely let her mask slip. A few times like when her precious experiments were destroyed she’d couldn’t stop her emotions gushing out of her. She’d found comfort in his arms then. But would he grow tired of it if that became a regular occurrence? How much comfort and patience would he have then in the wake of this, whatever this was. In the wake of the hurricane that was Kathryn Janeway.
“Are you hurt? Do you need me to take me to sick bay?”
She shook her head. The last thing she needed was The Doctor poking and prodding her. Scanning her with noisy instruments and shining lights in her eyes or worse yet wanting her to answer questions.
“Are you sure? You couldn’t even answer me properly just now.”
“It’s k. Happens ... often.”
“You sure?”
She nodded.
“Might need you if the, if the” she struggled to think of the right word and chose another instead “if the creatures...”
He looked at her quizzically.
“You know, th aliens come back.” She tried to smile.
“What do you need Kathryn? How can I help you?”
“Dark, quiet, it will close.”
“Close?” He asked raising an eyebrow in the semi dark.
Damn she’d done it again.
She rummaged around in her brain chasing the word that eluded her just out of reach.
“End. Pass. It will pass." She rubbed at her temples from the exertion.
“Ok.” He said. “At least let me help you get to bed, you can’t sleep on the floor and you must be exhausted you’ve been on your feet twenty-three hours and I know you’ve been awake for even more."
She shook her head.
“Here’s comf... comft... here’s good.” She said emphatically. He wouldn’t understand the bed was too soft, she needed the firmness of the floor beneath her right now and the cold, hard tritanium door it grounded her. It helped her find her way back.
“Ok… well…” he hesitated, “can I bring you some blankets?”
“No.”
He looked at her, really looked at her. Under her eyes dark shadows had settled on her fine features, her cheeks were sunken, head slightly bowed. Was this really his Captain? The same woman who not three hours earlier had called the bluff of the Verdann and seen Voyager clear into uncontested space free from her aggressors reach? She seemed like a different person, smaller, fragile... vulnerable.
He looked deep into her eyes and gently, ever so gently he asked “Would you like some company while you get through this?”
“Yes.” She said turning away from the intensity of his gaze, from the concern etched on his face. She patted the carpet beside her. She was tired of doing this alone. This dance with herself. The one with no end in sight and today was particularly difficult. Maybe it was ok to let him help her this once? It had been a long, long time since she’d let anyone see her this way. See her for who she was. Away from the bridge, away from the Holodeck where she was just Kathryn. She closed her eyes again.
He watched her as she worked at whatever was going on in her mind, as she processed it. It was obviously difficult work, his heart hurt for her. Tentatively he reached out an arm and wrapped it around her. She froze momentarily, surprised at his touch, then lent into him. He gripped her more tightly until he felt her relax. She started trembling, then shaking violently and sobbing. He pulled her across and drew her fully into his lap and wrapped her tight in a bear hug. She trembled into him and buried her face in his uniform. He held her for a long time not wanting to let go, not wanting her to be alone. Eventually she stilled, the crying ceased. Whatever it was appeared to have faded. She looked up at him still weary, but the acuity had returned to her gaze. She spoke softly. “Thank you Chakotay. I didn’t realise how much I ... needed someone to be with me just now.”
“I won’t pretend to understand anything that just happened here but if ever need me again you know where to find me.”
She looked at him suddenly emboldened. “That didn’t bother you?”
“Uh... no.”
“You didn’t think I was even a little unhinged?”
“Not at all.”
“And you don’t feel a burning desire to relieve me of command?”
“For breaking down at the end of a very intense day? Of course not.”
“What if it hadn’t been an intense day? What if was just an ordinary day?” She countered climbing out of his lap and pulling him to his feet.
He looked at her thoughtfully for a moment. “Does this happen often Kathryn?”
She nodded slowly, one eye studying him, unsure how he would react.
“How long has it been happening?”
“Since childhood in one way or another.”
“And you know how to cope with it?”
“Mostly.”
“Then why should it matter to me?”
“It mattered to Mark. He found it, found me incredibly draining.”
Chakotay shook his head in disbelief he was glad Mark was in her past. He didn’t deserve her with an attitude like that. She caught the curl of his lip that accompanied his shaking head. “Hey, you haven’t had to live with it like he did. Don’t be too quick to judge. I find myself hard to live with sometimes… More than sometimes.”
“Have you ever seen anyone for it?”
She shook her head again.
“They don’t let people like me command starships Chakotay. Not if they know.”
“They should. You’re the best damn Captain I’ve ever served under. Empathetic, compassionate, astute... And I respect you even more knowing the effort you go to everyday for this crew. For the sacrifices you make, and this crew would follow you anywhere, Starfleet and Marquis alike. You’ve got to know how incredible that is. How incredible you are.”
“Thank you for your kind words Commander, I've been alive long enough to accept that I can be incredible at times. But I'm also wise enough to know I’m flawed.” She said holding her arms out and scrutinising them as if she were a buyer inspecting second-grade goods.
He took her hands in his. “Well I think you’re perfect just the way you are.”
She blushed and went to pull her hands away. “I mean it Kathryn,” he said holding on. “There are no perfect people, or perfect officers. We’re all just doing the best we can with what we’ve been given.”
“I just wish it were easier to control. I can to a certain extent but at the end of the day sometimes if I’ve pushed it too hard it’s like I start to unravel. You really meant what you said about it not mattering?”
“Yes!” He said staring at her, she had an odd look in her eyes, they darted back and forth, furtive, as if she was debating telling him some big secret. A wave of realisation washed over him.
“Is this why? Is this what’s kept you from wanting to be with me?”
"Yes" she answered her voice thick with emotion, she quickly looked down at the ground.
“I was afraid of what you might think if you saw me for who I truly am.” She felt her stomach twisting into a tight knot, anticipating what might come next.
“This doesn’t define you Kathryn. It’s part of you, not all of you.” She was about to breathe a sigh of relief but her mind wasn’t ready to let it go not yet. She’d been plagued with self-doubt for too long to just lay it down.
“That’s where you’re mistaken. It is who am I. That woman I am out there? The capable one? She’s a cardboard cut-out of who I aspire to be. I'll admit on occasion she's a pretty damn convincing. But this. This is me. Every decision I make out there is coloured by trying to avoid this person in here ever seeing the light of day. And it's exhausting. It's exhausting to be me. It's exhausting to be with me. I’m sorry Chakotay, I desperately wanted to be with you, for you to know me, but I pushed you away because couldn’t bear the rejection that might come because of this… Not from you.” She turned away from him not wanting to see his face, the look of guilt or revulsion that she feared might flicker through his eyes.
Gently he turned her face back towards him.
“Kathryn, I would never reject you. You captured my heart a long time ago. This doesn’t change a thing. My father taught me you don't just love someone when it's easy; that's not love, it's convenience.
"But could you stand it every week? Or even every day? Coming home to this?!" She exclaimed pointing to herself with disdain.
"For you? Without a doubt. I love you, the best of you and the darkest parts. Think about it... have I ever given up on you? Even on your worst days? When you wanted to go on that suicide mission to depose the Malon? Or even after everything that happened with the Equinox?"
She couldn't fault him, not for his love nor his steadfastness. Quietly she answered him. "No.”
"It's my decision to make Kathryn and I would choose to love you through it all if you would let me. Will you let me be in your life Kathryn Janeway? You let me serve you when conventional wisdom said you shouldn't. Will you trust me enough to let me love you?"
Once again she was left speechless but this time from the magnitude of what he had just said. Wordlessly she nodded, smiling through her tears. Her watery eyes stared back at him as she let him draw her close and softly kiss her. Warmth radiated through her entire being not just at his touch or because of the depth of his love. A warmth that came from the one thing no one else had given her, that she'd barely been able to give herself - acceptance.