Chapter Text
Chapter 1
Alluka didn’t understand why I couldn’t just call you. Every night that I woke up in a cold sweat from nightmares of seeing your body in that hospital bed again, calling your name in my sleep, she was there to comfort me with the same advice, “Call him.” But I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to dial your number whenever I picked up the phone, my shaking fingers hovering poised over the keys until I shoved the whole thing back into my pocket. I couldn’t explain it.
What’s worse was that I couldn’t even answer when you called. I savored your voicemails, frequent at first, but less and less so as time went on, telling me about your mundane adventures on Whale Island. What Mito taught you that day. What animals you saw. What little thing made you think of me. I replayed those voice messages some days until my phone died, basking in the sound of your comforting, familiar voice. But for some reason, whenever your name showed up on the caller ID, my breath caught in my chest and I felt paralyzed. What would I say to you, I wondered, after all this time? I panicked, stuck on that thought, until the call rang out, and I missed my chance to find out. Again.
All of this to say that Alluka was even more puzzled the day that I told her, “Let’s go to Whale Island.”
To her credit, my sister indulged me. I had no plan—not really, anyway. But a few days, two airships, and one boat ride later, we arrived at the Whale Island port. I regretted it immediately. “We should go back,” I told Alluka. I wasn’t ready to face you on an impulse, not when I hadn’t even told you I was coming. Alluka refused.
“I’m serious!” I snapped, feeling the heat of embarrassment rise in my cheeks even as I said the words. After all, this had been my idea in the first place. I think I had been counting on coming up with a plan during our trip, but instead I had spent the better part of a week battling the anxious, unsettled feeling that fluttered in my stomach whenever I pictured meeting you again, face to face. “This was a bad idea,” I insisted, breaking eye contact with Alluka and shoving my hands deep into my pockets to hide their shaking. Somewhere in me was still the instinct to run; Illumi’s needle may have been gone, but the years of psychological conditioning it had facilitated were harder to shake.
In the end, Alluka convinced me to stay. We compromised by agreeing I didn’t have to confront you right away. So it was, then, that we spent the next days exploring the island’s small, bustling town under the cover of disguises. If there is one thing Zoldycks excel at, it is remaining unseen when we want to be discreet.
I saw you on the second day, walking through the market with a shopping list. Sent by Mito, no doubt, to run her errands. I almost called out to you. I went so far as raising my hand in the air and choking out a guttural “G-!”, but then my voice shook, and I clamped my hand to my mouth to stop the sound. I couldn’t do this here—not now, not in public. And besides, you were busy. I would only be a nuisance. I couldn’t bear to picture the pained look on your face that would inevitably come from me inserting myself back into your life, uninvited. I had to look away.
The next day I saw you again, this time without a shopping list. Nevertheless, you looked busy, like you were searching for something. I watched you stop at every storefront, walking away disappointed again and again, until you finally gave up your quest and returned home. A few times, I drew closer to listen, but all I could discern was that you were looking for someone. You even had their photograph. I wondered who it was, this person who was so important to you on the island. The thought sent a sharp pain through my gut. Alluka sat by patiently, enjoying the island’s food and scenery. At night, we slept under the stars, and I dreamed of you.
On the fourth day, you called me. “Answer it,” Alluka coaxed. I turned off my phone. Still, the coincidence of your contact spurred something in me, and I had the courage that same night to approach Mito’s home.
I overheard your laugh on the cool evening breeze, drifting out of an open window that gave off an inviting, warm glow. I was careless when I drew closer, lulled into intoxication by the familiar sounds coming from within the house. My shoulder brushed a broom propped against the outer wall; it fell with an unceremonious clatter, knocking into a nearby wash bucket. I disappeared around the corner of the house just before you opened the door to investigate the noise. The look on your face startled me as I struggled to hold my breath, disappearing as far into zetsu as my abilities would allow. You looked...desperate. Like you were expecting something and had been disappointed not to find it.
“What was it?” Mito called from within. You paused for a moment to collect yourself before responding cheerily, “Oh, it’s nothing. It must have just been a cat!” You turned and closed the door with a smile. Had I imagined the troubled look on your face? I gritted my teeth and retreated.
The next night, I was drawn back to the window’s glow like a moth to a flame. This time, though, I noticed something sitting on the ground just outside of the door. A package? My curiosity got the better of me, and as I approached, heartbeat quickening, I saw a note atop the box, marked by your messy, childish scrawl. “For the cat,” it read. I bit my lip, indecision clouding my features. Clearly, this package was for me, the previous night’s “cat.” But if I took the package, if I even so much as disturbed it, you would realize someone had returned. Then, it would only be a matter of time before you found me. There would be no more turning back unnoticed.
The note fluttered in a passing breeze, and I realized there was more written on the reverse side, words I couldn’t quite make out. “Tch,” I scoffed quietly, the desire to know what else you had to say burning hot in between my ears. It felt like an itch, knowing that there was more. Knowing that you had taken the time to write a message to whomever had been snooping around outside your home. That you had left them a gift. It was so naive, so trusting, so...Gon. I snatched the note as quickly as I could react. Better that I have it than some creep stalking around!
“I saved these for you, because I knew I would see you again soon,” the letter read.
My eyes darted to the package as the meaning sank in. It...couldn’t be, right? You must have been talking about someone else. Nevertheless, it felt like all the aura drained from my body as I fell to my knees, still grasping the note tightly in one hand as I lifted the top of the container with the other. Inside, there was a package of chocolate robots.
You knew.
The memories of the prior days flashed through my mind. Your searching in the market, the phone call, the look on your face when you opened the door...you knew. You knew I was here the whole time, and more than that, you were looking for me. You were looking for me, while I was hiding like a coward, like I was afraid of the person I cared about the most. I was ashamed.
“Gon...GON!” I choked out, a stray tear running hot down my cheek in the darkness as I pressed the crumpled paper to my chest. The conversation indoors halted. There were eager footsteps, and a moment later, I was bathed in light as you flung the door open, yelling, “KILLUA!”
I looked up at your smile and quickly swiped my arm across my eyes, brushing away the tears that threatened to continue falling. I couldn’t let my emotions ruin this moment for you. Not when you were looking at me like that. After all, a hunter’s proudest moment should be when they find what they were hunting for, right? “Hi,” I murmured, embarrassed, as I scrambled to return to my feet. Over a year without a word, and all I could manage was “hi.”
“I knew it was you!” You declared triumphantly, planting your hands on your hips. “You were leaving clues for me to figure it out, right?”
Clues?
“Well, yeah, of course I was,” I bluffed, crossing my arms and looking down at you. I suddenly realized how much taller than you I had grown in our year apart. “Honestly, for someone who calls themselves a hunter, I’m surprised it took you this long to find me,” I negged, hating myself more with every condescending word that came out of my mouth. Why couldn’t I just be honest? Why was I so afraid to tell you what I was really thinking?
“Well, sorry for being stupid!” You pouted, and my worries dissipated on the night breeze. You were still the same Gon. I reached out and threw my arms around your neck as you continued to complain, “Some of us haven’t been able to practice our nen all year!” I laughed loudly while roughly rubbing the back of your head, and before I knew it, we were playfully bickering like we had never been apart at all.
When I finally stepped across the threshold into Mito’s home—your home—after texting Alluka to join me, I allowed myself a final glance back into the cool, dark night. I felt one last flicker of doubt in my mind...did I really deserve to be here with you? Did I deserve to have you welcome me with open arms, when I had been so distant?
I closed the door.