Chapter Text
2012
at first, tyler thinks he has a staring problem.
it’s unnerving, to say the least. josh is everything tyler adores; he’s hilarious, smart, emotional, talented, absolutely stunning.
everything about josh pulls him in like a moth to the sun; it envelops and encases josh in a blinding halo effect that tyler can’t help but plummet straight into the metaphorical ground of adoration.
it’s not a surprise that everyone takes to josh so quickly. maybe it’s his passion or his skills on the drum set or his overwhelming all-inclusive friendliness, but regardless, it seems like the whole world revolves around josh dun.
but the staring.
the fucking staring, tyler can’t take.
he notices it when josh is in conversation with others, when he’s exploring in a new city, when he’s walking through the airport or the mall or even the fricking tour van. but it’s only when he begins speaking with josh, or when he picks up his ukulele, or during soundchecks that it begins unnerving tyler to no end.
at first, tyler saw it as another aspect of josh’s genuine earnestness, the open honesty that drew him in.
but as time went on, tyler began finding it harder and harder to meet his gaze, to feel the heavy weight of the unprecedented pressure josh’s eyes put on tyler.
because that intense gaze is locked directly on him, searching his face, sifting through his emotions. tyler’s sure that josh sees with eyes that sense more than the superficial. josh seems to always know what’s on tyler’s mind, what’s in tyler’s stomach, and more importantly, what’s in his heart.
that scares him the most.
2013
“hey.”
tyler’s fingers are gliding across ivory keys, forging a familiar melody in his head. it echoes through the auditorium.
he tries hard not to look up at josh. “what’s up?”
he hears the crinkling of a paper bag being set on top of the piano, and he glances up. he can’t hide his grin very well at seeing the all-too familiar taco bell logo, and he can’t help looking at josh.
those hazel eyes pierce through him the second they make contact with tyler’s, but josh has that soft smile on his face, the one that shows the dimples on his cheeks and the warmth in his squinted eyes.
it fills tyler’s heart with an unspeakable feeling.
“thanks, man,” he mumbles, grabbing the bag and digging through napkins before finding the foil-covered burrito. its warm and perfect, and he suddenly feels hungry, like he hasn’t seen a bite of food all day (in all honesty, the hunger pangs took a backseat to tyler’s soundcheck needs, his music and anxiety of the night’s show covering up his body’s most bare necessities. the back of his brain vaguely wonders if josh’s all-seeing eyes saw and knew).
“you’re welcome.” josh slides into the remaining empty space of the piano bench, squishing up besides tyler with his broad shoulders. there’s barely enough room for the both of them, but with the constant closeness of being stuck in the bus to constant practice sessions and soundchecks and shows, its second nature for them to be stuck side by side, even if it meant literally. josh places his hand on the back of the bench for support, and his arm presses just slightly against the small of tyler’s back.
tyler takes a big bite of his burrito quickly in an attempt to hide the sudden warmth he feels overcoming his face, hoping to God josh won’t look over and see the inevitable blush traveling over his cheeks.
“hey tyler.”
he hums in acknowledgment but quickly looks the opposite direction of where josh is towards where the crowd will be. he pretends he’s imagining what they will look like packed into the basement, pretends he’s overwhelmed with the thought of playing in front of 300 fans in their hometown, but he can’t imagine it.
he feels josh’s gaze burning holes into the back of his head. the warmth on his face grows hotter with shame.
“are you nervous?” josh asks.
“not really,” tyler answers honestly, because how could you be nervous about an outward source of stress that absolutely paled in comparison with the battle going on in his head?
“oh,” josh’s breath pauses for a moment, and his voice wavers in a way that makes tyler glance over.
he doesn’t look at josh’s face but at his knee; it bounces up and down, a nervous tick that josh has. it makes tyler’s heart ache.
he places his hand on it gently, and it stops.
“you’re gonna be amazing,” tyler reassures as calmly as his voice allows. underneath his tank top, his heart is beating like it’s running a marathon; between the arm against his back and his hand on josh’s knee, it’s almost too much. he chances a look at josh’s face, just because he knows it’ll make the drummer feel better. josh has a nervous look on his face, and tyler smiles. “it’s gonna be sick.”
that pulls a smile out of josh, and he nods.
tyler tears his gaze away, and takes another big bite.
josh is still looking at him.
2014
they’re walking off stage, hearts beating dangerously as the screams and applauding slowly die down. everyone’s giving them high-fives, congratulating them.
the festival is one of their biggest shows yet, and tyler is finally at a happy ease. for once, he isn’t immediately wondering when the next show is going to be, or if the audience enjoyed it, or if they did well enough.
the moment tyler sees the smile on josh’s face as he hugs mark, it’s enough for him.
they’re both in the dressing room peeling off sweaty clothes when tyler suddenly hears a burst of laughter. he’s about to turn around and ask josh what it is before he’s suddenly engulfed in strong arms, back being pressed against josh’s sweaty torso and ear tingling as josh laughs and does these happy little jumps.
laughter escapes tyler’s lips but they sound strained, nervous. “dude, what are you doing?”
“we did it, ty,” josh laughs, releasing his best friend before he spins him around. he has the most blinding, beautiful smile on his face, and it makes tyler’s heart physically lurch when josh wraps him up in his arms again.
he doesn’t mind that josh is sweaty and overexcited; on the contrary, he loves seeing him like this, so much so that tyler can’t help but also smile wide into josh’s shoulder, clutching onto him tightly.
i love you, tyler’s thoughts scream, and he should feel guilty, he should feel the usual rush of shame that comes with thoughts like those. but when he looks into josh’s eyes just for a brief moment, he swears he sees it shining back at him, ‘i love you’ written in the glossiness of josh’s eyes and the whites of his teeth.
it almost hurts to look away from a sight that fills his heart with so much adoration and warmth, but he’s scared of what he might say, what his eyes might tell.
“i’m so proud of us,” tyler says instead, looking down. he takes josh’s hand and squeezes it, smiling to himself when his best friend squeezes back.
•••••
tyler’s lying in bed, staring at the ceiling quietly.
he tries to scroll mindlessly through twitter, find videos of them performing on instagram. usually it’s calming, something that takes his mind off of other more heavy thoughts, but the longer he tries, the more awake his brain churns, the more he thinks about his best friend lying in the bunk above him.
he’s exhausted, but he can’t sleep.
he groans, dropping his phone onto his chest and rubbing his eyes so hard that he sees stars when he opens them again.
“tyler?”
it’s such a quiet whisper that he thinks he imagined it. he blinks once, twice.
“yeah?” he whispers just as quiet.
there’s silence, and tyler wonders if it really was his mind speaking to him before a few more moments pass and there’s some distinct shuffling above him.
feet land on the ground with a solid thump, and tyler’s blackout curtain is drawn back, the tiny light from the ceiling flooding in and making him squint at the silhouette.
it stands immovable for a moment, and tyler knows already that that’s his cue to begin scooting over and making room.
tonight, something stops him; it turns nervously in his stomach, twisting it tighter than usual.
“well?” josh whispers before placing his hands on tyler and pushing him. “move, i’m coming in,” he says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, and tyler would stutter out an excuse or an objection if he could get his mouth to work, but it’s completely dry and shriveled up.
josh climbs in easily with practiced moves. it wasn’t unusual for either of them to climb into one another’s bed occasionally. mark and michael poked fun at them and told them their old van habits die hard, that their mattress sharing days would never be over even if they ended up living across the country from one another, but tyler thought there was some truth to that statement.
he hoped there would always be some truth to that statement.
tonight is the exception. tonight, his mind wishes he was locked away.
he almost shivers when he feels josh’s bare chest press against him, when his arms wind around his body.
tyler swallows, hiding his face tentatively and refusing to roll over and acknowledge the drummer like he usually does. on the contrary, he searches blindly for his phone, turning it on and holding it up to his face for a distraction, trying to will away the feeling of josh’s warmth, his soft breath against his nape.
josh snatches it out his hands though, ignoring tyler’s indignant exclamation of disapproval.
“no more phone,” he mumbles, the vibrations sending shivers through tyler’s spine. “sleep, i’m right here.”
the statement in and of itself makes tyler want to cry, to feel josh’s gentle, sleepy gaze on him and to hear his kind words, but he doesn’t, instead opting on chewing his lip practically open.
“good night,” tyler practically forces out of his throat in a desperate attempt to get josh to close his eyes, and it sounds like a guttural huff.
josh mouths something inaudible against tyler’s neck and he almost moans.
2016
“what’s the use of explaining it again? it’s not like you’ll listen!” tyler shouts, chest heaving and shaking.
“maybe if you spoke in actual english, i would understand you,” josh’s voice is low but it’s steady, filled with a dark foreboding undertone. it was rare for josh to ever raise his voice, even when he was upset. on the contrary, he grew quiet, his words calculated and careful, yet sharp like a knife. “you just keep rambling, tyler, and if you can’t explain it to me then how are we going to explain it to everyone else?”
tyler’s throat closes up. he doesn’t know why they’re arguing, he just knows the stress escalated up and up. he foolishly thinks josh is supposed to understand because he’s his best friend, and if he doesn’t understand him, who else would?
he spins on his heel, unable to get his voice working again, and he storms out of the bus. it’s still cold in ohio, the snow crunching under his feet as he walks away. each little snowflake feels like a little needle pierce in his skin; he knows he should’ve put a coat on before he left but he’s too stubborn to go back.
he doesn’t know how long he’s walking. the freezing air encases his lungs like lighter fluid, making them burn and constrict with each breath, and his t-shirt barely does anything to keep him warm.
he’s among the snowy trees when he hears the steps catching up to him, but he keeps his eyes locked onto the forest around him, keeps his steady pace. it could be a serial killer but tyler doesn’t care.
“ty.”
that voice makes him clench his teeth, lump growing in his throat. he refuses to look at josh, even though he’s walking right beside him.
he can’t meet josh’s eyes, not now, not ever, but especially not now.
it doesn’t seem to matter to josh though, and he feels something being draped around his arms. he looks down and realizes it’s his jacket.
something in his heart tightens and aches, and he hadn’t noticed the freezing liquid in his eyes until they were blurring his vision and running completely cold within seconds.
“stop,” josh says stiffly when tyler doesn’t stop walking. he steps in front of his best friend and holds his shoulders.
tyler’s eyes drop immediately to the ground, he doesn’t want to see his eyes and he doesn’t want josh to see his tears.
he feels josh maneuvering his arms into the sleeves and he lets him, arms limp as if he’s just a rag doll. when josh pulls his beanie off from his own head and pulls it over tyler’s, covering his ears with the warm material, tyler has a hard time controlling the liquid in his eyes. he tells himself that he needs to stop crying or his eyes will freeze over, but his heart hurts in so many different ways that he can’t help when a little sob rises in his throat.
his hand flies up to cover his mouth, and he tries to make it seem like he’s clearing his throat but in all reality it sounds like a choke, and the sudden grip that wraps around tyler’s arms is enough to break him.
“i’m sorry,” josh mumbles into his neck, holding him tight against himself. he’s completely warm, melting away the ice in tyler’s veins and skin. “come back, you’re gonna freeze.”
tyler can’t say anything, lip wobbling. he’s afraid anything he’ll say will come out as a sob.
in all honesty, he doesn’t even remember exactly what they were fighting about. he only remembers they were discussing concepts for their new album, and from there, it escalated with josh’s innocent confusion and tyler’s unreasonable impatience.
“tyler.”
strong, calloused hands come up and frame tyler’s face, and he’s being forced to look up at his best friend.
josh’s eyes shine, full of regret and sadness. his gaze holds so many words, tyler can read an apology from them like a transcript, and suddenly the guilt washes over him like a wave. he bites his lip, tries to tear away his gaze from josh’s in fear of his best friend seeing something in his eyes he doesn’t want to say.
but josh’s hands are stubborn, only coaxing tyler to look back at him. his thumb strokes the brunette’s freezing cheek, and it’s such a tender gesture that tyler feels the liquid spill over his cheeks.
“ty, i’m sorry, baby,” josh says, releasing his face only to trap him in his arms again. the pet name stops tyler’s heart, snatches the air out of his lungs so quickly he can feel them deflate.
“it’s okay,” tyler chokes out before his voice can ask josh to call him that again.
•••••
it’s right after a show that tyler’s sinking into his hotel bed.
his body’s still shaking with the adrenaline, his hair is still soaked from the cold shower he took just moments ago.
he tries to will his heart to calm down, staring up at the popcorn ceiling. usually by now, the exhaustion would catch up with him and he’d be sleeping within seconds. this time he can’t.
the moment replays in his head over and over. it was during the final bow, when tyler stood side by side with josh, both soaking in the applause and the screams. it was always so overwhelming and humbling to see just how many people came out to their show, how many people they had in their corner. tyler had his hand pressed to his heart, as if he was physically trying to stop it from imploding in his chest.
and then he felt it.
it was brief and sudden, but lips were pressed against the bare skin of his shoulder for just a fleeting moment, and his soul was snatched from his body.
tyler had looked over at josh, only to be met with the sweetest smile. those eyes were filled with such a strong, genuine, overwhelming glaze of love that tyler’s breath was stolen away, and suddenly the thought of his heart physically bursting became a very real and valid concern.
tyler screws his eyes shut as the memory loops, rolling over and burying his face into his pillow with a groan.
when he hears his door unlock, he sits up in alarm.
in theory, he should relax when he sees it’s just josh, but the tension remains locked tight in his shoulders, keeping his voice hostage as josh gives him a small, shy smile, padding over.
“here,” josh places a box of takeaway on the edge of tyler’s bed, holding his own as he climbs in and sits just beside tyler. he’s too engrossed in opening his own food and settling in that he doesn’t look at tyler’s face, and this is the only time that tyler gets to look, to soak up every detail of his best friend greedily.
he loves the way josh’s face is illuminated by the soft lamp light in the corner of the room, he looks the way his eyelashes meet the skin of his cheek every time he blinks, and he loves the pale skin josh has on display more often than not, this time peeking through the open zipper of his sweater.
tyler’s never said it, but josh is beautiful all-around, absolutely gorgeous and too adorable for his own right, and it’s only when josh doesn’t think he’s looking that tyler can see him this way, eyes open and looking through the lens of honesty.
he’s prettier than any girl tyler has ever met (and a tiny part of him is afraid he always will be).
josh glances at him, and tyler’s so used to instinctively looking away at the right moment that he almost can’t help the way his neck nearly snaps as he avoids his eyes.
there’s silence in the air, and tyler knows he should say something, compliment josh for putting on a good show or crack some sort of joke, but he can’t.
nothing comes out of his mouth no matter how many times it opens uselessly, then closes it.
“you okay, dude?”
the undercurrent of worry fills the air with josh’s words, and the place where his lips pressed just moments ago burns tyler’s skin.
he can’t even fake being polite and open the box of food josh got for him. he knows he and josh are both usually famished after shows and sometimes they take turns bringing one another food, but this time, tyler’s too full of uncertainty and doubt to be hungry. he puts the styrofoam container on the table side gingerly, facing away from his best friend as he lies down, curling up just slightly.
he’d try to hide under the covers if josh’s weight didn’t keep them pressed firmly to the bed.
josh calls his name softly, and tyler hears him place his own styrofoam container on the table before he’s leaning down, elbow propping himself up so he’s just hovering over the brunette. tyler feels and hears his actions more than he sees it, his brown eyes screwed up stubbornly as he tries to ignore the warmth radiating from the other man’s body.
he almost jerks away when josh’s fingers gently begin carding through his hair, soft little strokes that almost tickle.
“do you need quiet?” the drummer asks, and tyler wishes it was as simple as that. when he was fighting fear, self-hatred, and doubt, his battles almost drowned him, broke him time and time again. it was then that he needed silence, needed space apart from anything and everything.
but fighting love?
tyler isn’t sure he’ll make it out alive.
“thanks for the food,” he croaks out, and his voice sounds utterly miserable, even to his own ears. “i’m just tired, i think.”
josh is quiet for a moment, but his hand keeps playing with tyler’s hair, his breathing still remains steady.
“okay,” he relents, and he lies down with him, cuddling up against tyler’s back as his arms maneuver around to hold him.
it’s quiet, the only sound that comes through the room is the slight rattling of the air conditioner as it billows out icy air, the faint sounds of traffic and late-night bustle of new jersey. he figures he should turn off the air, that it doesn’t quite make sense for it to be cranked down to 60 when it was snowing outside, but josh’s arms are warm around him, shielding him from the cold.
tyler doesn’t say, “i love you.” he tries hard to block the words out of his mind. it’s not like he hasn’t said it to josh before, or even heard the same words from josh’s lips, but it’s usually accompanied with light laughter, teasing smiles, or gentle shoves. if he says it now, he’s scared it’ll be too honest, too obvious.
but that doesn’t stop him from reaching down and squeezing josh’s hand.
josh squeezes back.