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I walked out of this life with both eyes open. I walked into a light that I thought I no longer knew.
It was dark for so long. It wasn't the church. It wasn't the coven.
In honesty, I don't know what had happened to me.
There are moments in that thin space between dawn. That second the sun rises through my kitchen window. When I watch the dust in the air become the dust of fairies. When I see witchcraft as beautiful again, because how could someone not? Because magic was once a dream, not a nightmare.
Who do I become when my greatest love dies.
I want to say Adam is my dearest love, but there is something sad about the memory of him. How even that's tainted by the helplessness of death.
I walked out of this life with both eyes looking at the light through my window.
I am not dying. Merely reflecting. Seeing a life that could have been.
The Pilgrims of the Night Church... I have the pamphlet for today's service on the desk. And I honestly wish for myself... to know how it is that I've arrived at this point. I lead sermons on hate. No, that's wrong. I had led sermons on hate.
They're no longer.
Mrs Meeks looked at me one day. Asked me what I meant. To define a term I'd said or some such. And in that moment, I realized something...
I saw fear. But it wasn't from Mrs Meeks. It wasn't from the flock.
I remembered something like a memory. The fear of a boy. A boy I once knew and loved. Like a ward. Like a son. That's not exactly accurate. I knew him once as someone different.
I want love back. I want to wish on these flecks of dust in the air turned stardust before my eyes. The light is so bright, and if only I had not forsaken it.
I walked out of this life with both eyes open because now I see my errors.
I see another life. Where I was not the woman I imagined. Where I was the vision someone else had.
Why?
I am always a vision. A ghost. No one sees me. They see through me. Shape my transparency to their liking...
I walked into this day with both eyes open, finally looking away from the blinding brightness of this sun. It greets the day. It greets me with an enchanting kiss to my cheek as the rays refract in a different way through my window.
My dear. This life was a second chance.
My dearest self.
I can change. But is it cowardice that leads me back to the same mistakes?
I take the programs. Toss them in the kitchen rubbish as I stand. I will cancel the sermon today. I will host a study session after class. I will put flowers on the desk of my former student after class.
I would feel ashamed to visit her grave. Her grace.
There is apprehension towards her. But would I want the same fear in her eyes for foolishness and youth?
She dared far more than I had at her age.
I wish no longer to reach through the dark for hope. The sun casts the shadow of myself on my kitchen door. I take a breath. Set my teacup in the sink. I walk towards the door.
I walk into this life with both eyes open. And even if I make another mistake, this clarity is a ritual. And awakening. The sun is a chance to start again. I make these promises to myself. I hope to have the strength to move.
I leave the sanctuary of my thought. And go towards the day. The light.
Do not forsake the light.
And again, we face the day.