Chapter Text
ELLIE
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As Ellie left the farmhouse her mind was swimming. Maybe she shouldn’t have been surprised that Dina was gone, but it hurt nonetheless. It didn’t help that Dina had left all of Ellie’s things, too. She’d moved on, Ellie guessed.
‘But hey,’ Ellie thought, ‘I probably deserve it after I left her like I did.’
She groaned and rubbed her eyes. The sun was always too bright recently.
Should she even go back to Jackson? She couldn’t think of any reason not to that wasn’t just running from her problems. Even if Dina did move on, all Ellie wanted to do was see her and JJ safe. If she was in Jackson, she could make sure they were, if only from a distance.
She flexed her left hand to try to alleviate the phantom pain. It always ached, though the fingers were long gone.
However, that was the least of her problems. As far as she knew she hadn’t eaten in at least a week, but she couldn’t be sure. Her memory was getting worse the longer she went without food. At least she always had water on her. She could stomach that, but with her constant nausea she could barely eat. She always had this pit in her stomach and it seemed to be getting worse the closer she got to Jackson.
The walk from the farmhouse was easy enough, although she always felt incredibly weak now.
‘Hm, I wonder if it’s the lack of eating, lack of sleep, or overworking myself,’ she thought with contempt. She had a way of making things worse for herself.
She put her hands up in the air well before she saw the gates to Jackson. Who knows how far the outposts have moved since she left? She didn’t want to appear as a threat and get shot before she could even get inside.
As she kept walking her head started swimming. Not with thoughts this time, though, she was actually dizzy.
She heard yelling in the distance.
“... person approaching!”
“Hands up!”
“What’s your name?!”
She could barely keep her eyes open, much less respond. Despite this, she kept dragging her feet towards the gate. She could do it. She could get inside. But her negligence was catching up to her and her body was ready to give out.
“Oh my God, it’s Ellie!”
“Open the gates!”
“Help her in!”
She kept trudging towards the gates and finally crossed the threshold. It was less magnificent that she thought it would be, considering she collapsed as soon as she arrived. Her face hit the dirt much harder than she would’ve liked it to. She heard footsteps approaching, but she didn’t recognize anyone by their shoes.
Her consciousness was fleeting. The last thing she heard was a man’s voice, suddenly sounding very far away.
“She ain’t lookin too good. Better get Tommy.”
DINA
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Dina was shocked when Maria knocked at her door. There was no reason she’d be over here this late. Dina had already briefed her and Tommy on the patrol she had earlier.
She’d been making dinner for herself and JJ at the time. She wiped her hands set down the kitchen towel she was holding.
“I’ll be right there!” She said as she momentarily checked on JJ then approached the door.
Dina opened the door and a very worried looking woman was standing there.
“Maria? H-Hi. How are you?”
“It’s Ellie,” Maria dead panned.
Dina’s face went ghostly pale and her stomach dropped. She tried to remain calm, but she immediately felt a tightness building in her chest. She didn’t know what to say. Memories rushed back. Dances, kisses, songs, Ellie holding JJ, Ellie holding her, sweet nothings passed between each other on hard nights. Did they find her dead? Is she standing behind Maria?
Dina leaned past the threshold slightly, looking back and forth.
Maria reached out and grabbed Dina’s shoulder trying to steady her. Apparently, she wasn’t hiding her reaction well enough.
“She’s not here.”
Dina couldn’t hide the worried expression that flashed across her face.
“She’s not dead either.”
Dina released the invisible tension in her shoulders.
“She’s at her house recovering... Dina, she doesn’t look like she’s been taking care of herself.”
Despite all the relief she was feeling, a sudden bout of anger washed over her. Not taking care of herself? Why did she need to know that? It wasn’t her responsibility to make sure Ellie slept or ate or opened up anymore. Ellie left. Ellie left her. Dina didn’t owe her anything.
She finally looked up at Maria who was waiting for a response.
“Thank you for telling me,” Dina said with the calmest, most controlled tone she could muster, “but I was just about to have dinner with JJ. You can stay if you’d like.”
Maria was slightly taken aback, “Oh, um no, thank you. I was just going to Ellie’s house actually.”
“Okay,” Dina responded with a small, fabricated smile. “Thanks again for telling me. I’ll see you around.”
Maria stepped back and gave a slight nod, “Yes ma’am, of course.”
Dina was grateful when Maria finally turned around and walked away; she could feel her composure slipping. She closed the door as fast as she could without slamming it. She turned, pushed her back against the door, and slid to the ground. She rested her elbows on her knees and let her head hang between them.
A war was raging in her head. When Ellie left the farmhouse, Dina made it clear that that was goodbye, but she knew she’d never be able to move on. She’d spent the last 6 months of Ellie’s absence barely holding herself together. It got easier, but it never got easy. She thought about Ellie more than she’d like to admit, and she worried constantly if she was alive or dead.
Now she knew. Now she was overwhelming relieved. Now she was incredibly mad.
Of course, Ellie came back. Of course, that resilient, beautiful, lionhearted girl fought her way back to Jackson. But now Dina had to face the music. Could she just run back to Ellie? After she walked away at the farmhouse? Dina knew she couldn’t. The quietest whisper in the back of her head told her not to. It told her that she couldn’t fully trust Ellie. It told her that it would break her permanently if something like that happened ever again.
She sighed and looked up to rest her head against the door. As she lifted her gaze, it fell on JJ in his high chair by the kitchen. Her anger returned with force. As much as she wanted to deny it, Ellie leaving hurt JJ, too. He had trouble falling asleep for a long time after she left. His tantrums lasted longer without Ellie to play the guitar to calm him. Dina suddenly felt protective. She believed deep, deep down that she might be able to forgive Ellie for hurting her, but JJ? That was a whole other story. This little boy was her life now. Ellie didn’t mean to hurt him, but she did.
JJ reached out to her with both hands and let out the smallest whine. She smiled and rose to her feet. She’d sort out all of this tomorrow, right now she just needed to feed JJ.
***
She did not sleep well that night. Her dreams kept taking her to Ellie and she had to fight to act like she didn’t want them to.
Finally, when the morning came, she got to spend time with JJ. Of course, he was more than just a distraction to her, but he always seemed to help her get away from her problems, if only for a moment.
As the morning went on Dina found herself becoming more and more distracted by thoughts of Ellie. Maybe she should just stop by. They didn’t have to talk, she just wanted to see her. To see her breathing. Maybe even hear her laugh...
Dina stood from the place on the floor that her and JJ were playing with blocks. She scooped him up with little protest; he always loved being held.
She headed for the door before she could question herself and made her way to Ellie’s house.
***
She arrived at the door and panic was coiled tight in her chest. It was hard to breathe.
She approached the steps and propped JJ up on her hip. She reached out to knock on the door, but right before her fist made contact, Tommy opened it.
“Oh um, hello there, Dina,” Tommy said with a nervous lilt in his voice.
“Tommy,” she said flatly with a small nod.
He cleared his throat, “Here to see Ellie?”
“Yes actually,” she turned her head and nervously rubbed the back of her neck. “But just to see if she’s okay.”
“Don’t be nervous,” he said, seeing the tension in her movements. “She’s been unconscious since she got here last night. If you’re just here to check on her, she’s asleep in her bed.”
Dina gave him a tight smile. The tension in her shoulders eased a little bit. She did tell herself that she didn’t want to talk to Ellie. Maybe this was best. She could go in, make sure she was breathing, and leave. Nothing more.
She looked up at Tommy who had moved slightly aside to give her room to walk through the door. She knew he was a good guy. His intentions with her and Ellie were never malicious, but she couldn’t help but resent the small part of him that brought him to the farmhouse that day. Him and Ellie both struggled moving on after Joel’s death, but at least Ellie had been trying. Tommy let his grief fester and he pulled Ellie back in. He pulled Ellie away from her.
Then again, it was Ellie’s choice to leave. It was Ellie who was haunted by Joel’s screams. It was Ellie who couldn’t sleep or eat or cope. It was Ellie who walked out of that door that night.
Tommy knew she hated that small part of him. Ever since she came back to Jackson after Ellie left, he always seemed nervous around her. He always had an apology on his tongue that he never let out.
“Thank you, Tommy,” she held eye contact with for a brief moment before walking past him.
He nodded politely before walking outside and closing the door behind him.
She turned to face Ellie’s bed, bracing herself for what she saw.
She wasn’t prepared.
Ellie was frail. She was so, so frail. The IV in her arm looked far bigger that it would’ve had Ellie’s arms been their normal bulk. Her cheeks were sunken in and the bags under her eyes were dark. Her face was littered with little scars Dina hadn’t seen before. She looked like she was freezing despite having a blanket up to her chest.
Dina looked from her face down her body and her eyes stopped on Ellie’s hands. Her fingers...
Oh God, what happened to her? What did she go through?
Dina swallowed a lump in her throat and approached the chair that was already pulled up to the side of Ellie’s bed. Maria and Tommy had probably been here around the clock.
She sat and placed JJ on her lap.
“Say hi to Ellie,” she said, a slight crack in her voice.
JJ bubbled happily and reached for the unconscious Ellie.
“Oh no, she can’t hold you right now. Maybe another time,” Dina reassured JJ.
She knew deep down that that may never happen. She also knew that JJ really had no idea what she was saying. But saying that out loud helped her, if only a little bit.
***
The next few days were normal for Dina. Letting Jesse’s parents babysit JJ when she went on patrol. Cooking when her and JJ needed to eat. Cleaning when JJ made a mess. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Except she always made time to see Ellie. At least once a day. She’d bring JJ when she could, but sometimes the only time she could come was right before patrols when JJ was already with Jesse’s parents.
Maria and Tommy were always around somewhere anytime she came. After a couple days, though, when Ellie was truly in the clear and they were just waiting for her to wake up, Maria and Tommy weren’t hovering nearly as much. Same held for Dina. She knew she shouldn’t be crawling back to Ellie like she was. Even it was just to keep her company.
After the fourth consecutive day of visiting Ellie at least once a day, Dina resolved to stop.
The next morning, Ellie woke up.
ELLIE
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Those next few... hours? Days? Weeks? (she couldn't tell) crawled by. Surprisingly they kept her in her house instead of the infirmary. After she considered it, it made sense. She didn’t have any wounds to be treated so why keep her there?
People were in and out of her house. Some she didn’t recognize, medics she assumed checking her vitals and making sure she was staying hydrated with an IV, and others she did recognize. She remembered seeing Tommy right after they found her. He tried talking to her at the time, but she had no idea what he said.
She also knew she saw Maria at some point, but couldn’t remember when.
The most prominent thing in her hazy mess of a brain was Dina. Did she come to see her? Ellie could’ve sworn she’d seen her, more than once at that, but if there was ever a person Ellie’s head would imagine, it would be Dina. God, she hoped Dina had been there. She hoped Dina was there.
She wasn’t.
Ellie pried her eyes open. She felt like shit. What was going on? How long had she been here?
She sat up and looked around her house. It was empty, save her. Her mind was fuzzy and she had to squint to see everything around her. It all looked as though it was frozen in time. Nothing had moved since she was last here. The realization made her sad. A glimpse into a life she no longer had.
She reached over and gently pulled the IV out of her arm. She’d make sure to return that equipment later.
As she was preparing to swing her legs over the side of the bed to stand, she remembered her backpack. Where was it? That had everything in it. Equipment aside, it had her journal in it.
She panicked for a moment at the realization and looked around the room more closely. She spotted it at the foot of her bed and let out a breath.
‘Thank, God,’ she thought to herself.
She crawled on her hands and knees to the end of the bed and scooped up the bag. She pulled out her journal and flipped through the pages she wrote as she came back from Santa Barabara. So much had changed between the trip there and the trip back. She took time looking at the pictures of Dina that she had drawn.
Exasperated with herself all over again, she put the journal aside.
Finally, she swung her legs over the side of the bed and attempted to stand. It was much harder than she remembered. Damn, she was weak right now.
She tried again and succeeded, but the action made her lightheaded.
She groaned and rubbed her temple to alleviated the dizziness. She walked towards the kitchen, poured herself a glass of water, and drank it quickly. She may not be really dehydrated because of the IV, but her mouth felt like a desert.
As the liquid settled in her stomach, it grumbled angrily. Her stomach was absolutely killing her. It was hardly anything new, but now she knew it had been way too long since she’d eaten. Last time she’d remembered it had been like a week, but that was before she went all comatose.
She couldn’t imagine eating right now, though.
She slowly walked to the bathroom to rinse off her face. Maybe that would help. When she turned and saw herself in the mirror, she was shocked, although she shouldn’t be. She looked like shit.
Her appearance brought back memories of what she’d been through. Even though she came in the bathroom to rinse off her face and alleviate the nausea, the longer she looked at herself the more nauseous she felt. She could feel the bile rising in her throat. She could see Santa Barbara on her skin and in her bruises, she gently lifted her shirt to look at the puncture on her side, and in the scars on her body. Suddenly the nausea became too much and she fell over the toilet and heaved. Nothing came. She knew she hadn’t eaten in probably two weeks now, but she couldn’t stop. Tears fell from her eyes from the exertion. The strain made her dizzy. She sat on the floor for a while to regain her strength and her composure. She wiped her mouth and stood up, which, again, was much harder than it should’ve been.
She rubbed her eyes and realized, despite the nausea, she probably needed to eat. She was too weak to do much else. She could feel a feebleness in her limbs that hadn’t been there before.
She didn’t bother checking her house for food, she knew there wouldn’t be anything there.
She put on her canvas sneakers and a light coat and headed out the door.
She walked through Jackson, trying to keep her head down. It wasn’t that early, so the town was bustling. Crowds had never been her favorite thing ever, but they used to only make her uncomfortable. Now, ever since Seattle and Santa Barbara, she couldn’t stand them. They immediately reminded her of the times she’d been trapped with infected screaming on the other side of a door. They made her anxious.
She took a deep breath and decided to go to The Nomad. It was a restaurant, but it was also a bar. Maybe if she got too overwhelmed, she could just grab a drink. Her plan, however, was to just get something small and eat at home. She didn’t think she’d be able to eat in a busy restaurant with all those people around.
The walk wasn’t far, but she was already tired. She pushed open the swinging door and accidentally made eye contact with the person behind the counter. They waved so she waved back to be polite. As Ellie got closer, she had to double take.
“No fucking way. Ellie Williams!” the person behind the counter said.
Ellie wasn’t grateful for the attention. A few faces turned her direction.
“Hey, Cat,” Ellie said, trying to keep it short.
“I thought you were dead for the longest time. How is it coming back to the land of the living?” Cat asked enthusiastically.
‘It feels like I’m fucking dead,’ Ellie thought to say, but she changed her mind.
“It’s a lot,” she responded instead.
“I’m sure. I know you’ve been through a lot, El,” Cat said sincerely.
Ellie winced internally at the use of Dina’s nickname for her.
“Yeah, it’s okay,” Ellie didn’t want to talk about herself or anything she’d been through.
“Can I just get something small? I haven’t eaten in... too long,” Ellie added, deflecting the conversation. She also thought it’d be a bad idea to mention that it’d probably been two weeks since she last ate. Cat would make her eat a whole meal and Ellie wasn’t sure if she could eat at all.
“Oh um, yeah, of course,” Cat caught on quickly. She knew Ellie didn’t want to talk about the bad stuff, so she turned and began preparing something for her.
Ellie turned and leaned against the bar. It helped not having to stand, her legs felt like jelly. She absentmindedly fidgeted with the missing fingers on her left hand. They always seemed to hurt.
Ellie tried to keep her eyes down, she didn’t want any more accidental encounters.
But just like that, like the universe was there to spite her, she heard Maria call her name from several feet away.
“Oh my gosh, how are you feeling? I was actually just on my way to your house to check on you. I’m so glad you’re up and moving about,” Maria said as she brought Ellie into a gentle side hug.
“Oh yeah, I just woke up not too long ago. I don’t feel great, but that’ll fix itself in a few days,” Ellie responded with the sincerest smile she could muster.
Maria nodded in response.
“Wait, how long was I out?” Ellie asked, desperate to know.
“Not too long considering your condition. Just four days,” Maria replied.
Ellie laughed to herself, “Not too long, huh?”
“Hey now, you wer- are in bad shape,” Maria retorted.
“I know,” Ellie pursed her lips. “You said you were on your way to check on me? I appreciate that.”
“Of course, Ellie.”
The thought warmed Ellie’s heart. Maybe she hadn’t lost her life here like she thought she had. Maybe it was still home. And even if it wasn’t, maybe she could make it home again.
“Here alone?” Maria asked.
“Yes ma’am,” Ellie responded curtly.
“You should eat with me,” Maria asked with a kind look on her face.
Ellie couldn’t say no, even if the crowd was bothering her, “I think I will.”
A hand grabbed her arm from behind and Ellie’s heart jumped to her throat. She turned around quickly only to see Cat holding a small plate with a sandwich.
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry. Your food’s ready, but I didn’t want to interrupt,” Cat apologized.
Ellie let out a breath, “You’re good, not your fault.”
She grabbed the plate from Cat, “Thank you so much.”
Cat nodded, “You know I gotchu, Ellie.”
Ellie turned back to Maria. Maria smiled and said, “Let’s sit.”
Ellie followed Maria to the farthest most secluded table in the bar. Ellie also noted that it had a clear view of all the entrances and exits into the building. She was infinitely grateful for Maria’s choice.
“I know it can’t be easy being around all these people after being alone for so long. I hope this table’s okay.”
Ellie nodded, “It’s great.”
Ellie sat as Maria went up to the bar to grab herself food.
Once she returned, they fell into a short, comfortable silence.
Ellie couldn’t bring herself to eat so instead she asked, “How’s Jackson been?”
“Really good, actually,” Maria smiled. “We’ve got several new faces, crops and farm animals are doing well, and everyone seems to be happy.”
Ellie smiled, nodded, and looked down at her food. She appreciated the good news.
“One thing that is kind of concerning, though, are the patrols.”
Ellie looked back up.
Maria continued, “As you know, with the weather getting warm again, hordes will be coming around. I’m not sure we have enough young and experienced people to go out as often as we should.”
Ellie opened her mouth to respond, but Maria beat her to it, “Now, I’m not asking you to.”
Ellie let out a small laugh, “You knew I was going to offer.”
Maria nodded.
“I’d be more than happy to. I know what I’m doing and we both know I’ll have the time.”
Maria shook her head slightly.
“What can I do in the meantime to help out?” Ellie inquired.
Maria held eye contact and said seriously, “Heal.”
Ellie pursed her lips.
“I’d love your help, but only once you’re feeling more like yourself.”
“I understand,” Ellie responded. And she did, she knew very well that if she went outside Jackson’s walls right now, she'd be good as dead.
“Good,” Maria replied. “I appreciate you taking the time to eat with me, but I’ve got a couple things to attend to.”
Ellie smiled and nodded.
“I’ll see you around, alright?” Maria gently grabbed her shoulder.
“Yes ma’am,” Ellie responded.
Once Maria was gone, Ellie returned her attention to her food. She had to eat something. She forced down a couple bites, but the food made her queasy. She ate a tiny bit more, about half the sandwich, before surrendering.
She leaned back in her chair. The table Maria chose really made this busy place a lot more tolerable. Ellie decided she’d claim it from now on.
She briefly looked around at everyone in the bar. She recognized a decent number of faces, but nobody approached her. She was getting lots of looks, though. She thought that maybe they might be scared of her.
Ellie laughed to herself. Joel would find that funny. He’d say, ‘The town of Jackson? Scared of you? You’re better at knock-knock jokes than intimidating folks.’
Her smile faded as quickly as it came. What a bittersweet thought.
She hadn’t gone to see him in a long time. Too long. Maybe she’d do that once she left.