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Nadia stepped out, and after a quick look around, she sat herself down on a snow-covered bench, taking deep breaths. She didn’t understand, she didn’t understand why she felt hurt as she saw Zuke and May together inside. She was over him, they were friends, they were all friends, so why did it hurt?
Maybe it hurt more that she didn’t have the option of having him anymore? Zuke was always a constant in her life, being with her all throughout their college years. He was always readily available, always there. Whenever they fought, he’d come back.
But now he wouldn’t.
It’s been more than two years since they broke up, and a year since he started dating Mayday. Nadia was happy for them, of course. As pedestrian as she is, Mayday was so sweet and earnest, her energy and devotion to her friends and craft something that immediately opened up Nadia to her. Nadia came to regard both of them as two of her dearest friends, so why did it hurt so much?
She reached for her pocket, and fumbled with lighting up a cigarette. When she finally did, she quickly brought it to her lips to try and calm herself down. She closed her eyes, trying to control her breathing, to keep it together.
“Hey.”
Aaaand there goes that façade. She turned to see Zuke at the doorway, hand scratching the back of his head nervously. He approached her thoughtfully, putting his hands in his pockets. After a moment of the two of them in silence, he gestured to the bench. “You mind if I…?”
“Oh, oh no, go ahead.” She scooted to the side a bit, giving him more room to sit himself down. She brought out her cigarette pack and offered one to him, with Zuke taking one with thanks. After lighting it up, he just sat there, smoking next to her.
Why couldn’t they just stay like this?
Zuke blew out smoke and turned to Nadia. “You…okay?” He asked.
“Hm? Oh, I’m fine.” She lied, trying to play it off.
“Mm-hm. Y’know, four years of being together and you still think I don’t know you?”
She looked at him, his eyes crinkling in mirth, but a sadness was present in his smile.
She looked away, bringing the cigarette back to her mouth. “I’m over you, y’know.” She mumbled, trying to save face.
“I know.”
“And you’re over me.”
“For a long time, yes.”
“And you love Mayday.”
“Yeah, I do.” He answered with such conviction, Nadia seeing his eyes brighten up at the mere mention of her name, and she couldn’t help the lump in her throat.
She decided dumbly to rub salt in her own wound. “How much?”
Zuke was silent for a moment, before he answered. “She…she makes me feel so happy, and safe, and loved. I adore everything about her, a-and I try to make her feel that too.” He gave a somber chuckle. “Every morning, I try to kiss the callouses on her hand, but she gets embarrassed about it.” He looked at Nadia. “I really love her, Nadia.” The sincere tone in his voice made her think, okay, maybe I’m not that over him. It was the only explanation as to why her heart felt so tight.
Nadia blinked back a stray tear as she puffed her cigarette, leaning her head on Zuke’s shoulder. They sat there in somber silence, the light from the inside of the lodge on their backs as they sat outside. Zuke wrapped an arm around Nadia and gave her a squeeze.
“…We should get back inside, it’s freezing.” Zuke mumbled, blowing out smoke from his own cigarette. Nadia straightened up slowly and stared at him, regarding him cautiously.
“Nadia?”
“Let…me just try something, alright Zuke?” She asked, bringing her cigarette down.
She leaned down slowly and pressed her lips against his, staying like that for a few moments. In all their years dating, she only kissed him this tenderly twice, with the first time at the start of the relationship, and the second time on their first anniversary as a couple. Funny, the third time is usually the charm, and she wanted to scream at herself for only having this fond atmosphere around them only now. Their 4 years was mostly a culmination of fights and grand gestures, and too late did she enjoy their quiet moments. The whole time she kissed him, not once did he press back, lips and body remaining stiff, cold.
She pulled back, and felt her fists clench reflexively. The warmth was still in his eyes, but they weren’t the warmth of a lover. The warmth in his eyes was tinged with bittersweetness, and his mouth was set in an apologetic frown. No love, no tenderness, nothing. His whole body was tensed up; she never waited for his response, she just went ahead and kissed him. Once again, she wanted to kick herself. She never waited for his response, and she couldn’t even respect him when they were broken up?
“I’m sorry—” Zuke started, Nadia turning away.
“No, I’m sorry.” She turned away and brought her cigarette back to her mouth nonchalantly. “That was a mistake. I shouldn’t have done that.”
They sat there in awkward silence, the two back to their cigarettes, trying to relax themselves in each other’s presence.
“…She really did a number on you, huh?” Nadia joked, attempting to break the silence. After a beat, the two broke out in bitter, barking laughter, Zuke leaning back and blowing out another trail of smoke.
“God, yes, she did.” Nadia turned to see Zuke close his eyes, an affectionate smile on his face.
Affection that wasn’t directed at her.
Not anymore.
Speak of the blonde devil, the door slid open, with the two of them turning to see Mayday stepping out. She was wrapped up in a thin throw blanket, but her warm grin didn’t hint at any indication of that. Nadia saw Zuke immediately brighten up, leaning forward and reaching for May. May approached the two of them, still standing as Zuke wrapped his arms around her waist.
“Heya! Aren’t you two coming in? It’s FREEZING!” Mayday exclaimed, tightening her grip around the throw blanket.
“We’ll come in in a moment, you should get back inside, I’ll follow.” Zuke replied, rubbing his hands up and down her arms in an attempt to warm her. Mayday smiled, bringing her hands to his face and squishing his cheeks, giggling a bit.
“Your knee might flare up if you stay any longer out here, buddy.” May scolded softly, brushing a thumb over his cheek, and Nadia realized that not once did Zuke hesitate to stay out here again, and not once did she ask if his knee was having any problems while they stayed out here in the snowy patio. She looked at the two and felt another pang of bitterness hit her heart.
The devotion and love that was in Zuke’s eyes, the timbre in his voice as he worried over his girlfriend, Nadia could barely remember the last time Zuke looked at her like that. But, to be fair, she doesn’t remember looking at him like that either. The way May cradled his face and combed her fingers through his dreadlocks, her own love for Zuke was evident. Nadia never held Zuke like that, like he was the most fragile thing in the world.
Well, now she didn’t need to worry, as she wasn’t going to be given a chance to do so again.
She waved her hand in dismissal at the lovebirds, a smirk on her face as she tried to play it off. “Ugh, you two go back in. I need to stay behind and try to swallow my vomit.” She winked.
Zuke gave her a wry smile as Mayday laughed, leaning forward to give a quick hug and peck on Nadia’s cheek. “Alright, but after your gross snack or whatever come back in, m’kay?” She gave Nadia another grin, and Nadia couldn’t bring herself to even hold an ounce of malice for May. Not one bit.
She can have all the malice for herself, thank you very much.
Mayday tugged Zuke back, who wrapped an arm around Mayday’s waist as he stood himself up, putting the cigarette out by dropping it on the snow and crushing it with his foot. Apparently, his knee did flare up a bit, as he winced when he put weight on it. Mayday noticed this immediately, and in turn wrapped her own arm around his waist, supporting him. He looked at Mayday gratefully and pressed a quick kiss to her temple, then looked back at his ex-girlfriend, his friend.
“We’ll see you inside…Nadia.” He said, as both he and Mayday made their way back inside the lodge. After ushering Mayday inside first, he glanced at Nadia, and with one last bitter and apologetic smile to her, he followed Mayday inside with his girlfriend practically tugging at him as he laughed, Nadia glancing that their hands were now intertwined. She saw that Mayday was babbling about something or another, with Zuke staring at May like she held the world.
Nadia, now alone, leaned back and puffed her cigarette, wanting to finish it before she went back inside.