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The blank paper made him angry. Yoongi tapped the point of his pen on it, as if lyrics would suddenly appear. But the paper remained blank, and the man was starting to lose his patience.
He had been struggling for three days. These three days were the time he gave himself to finish writing the lyrics of this future song. The deadline was just in a couple of days and he knew himself: the closer he got to the deadline, the hardest it was to find inspiration.
Deep inside, he was aware that the lyrics didn’t need to be perfect yet. This thought usually gave him relief. After all, some people whose job was to write lyrics would go back to these words with him. They would talk and change them if they did not fit the vibe of the song. The responsibility here was shared.
He tried to listen over again to the not-quite-finished melody he had produced. Namjoon and Hoseok had loved it. The latter had even confessed to him, with stars in his eyes, that he could already imagine the movement of a dance choreography. These simple words had bought a new sense of validation.
However, this feeling had quickly disappeared when Yoongi had realised he couldn’t find the words to tell this story. And here he was, in front of this white paper, losing his nerves.
He tried to write down any thought that could pass his mind, but nothing came out. It seemed his brain just stopped working.
If Yoongi had taken the time to consider things in a bigger picture, he would have easily made the link between his writer-block and the fact that he hadn’t slept in almost 2 days. He hadn’t eaten much neither.
In fact, Jin had dragged him from his Genius Lab in the Big Hit building to their shared home. The sun had been high in the sky and Yoongi had complained on how bad it was for the environment that Jin commuted between their home and their workplace, just to be sure that Yoongi would go home safe and sound. His Hyung had just ignored him and then had requested that he eat the leftovers from the night before and then he try to catch some sleep. In a blink of eye, Jin had disappeared back to Big Hit, with Jimin and Taehyung in tow.
Yoongi had tried to eat but then, he felt he had a revelation on the lyrics. By the time he had ran across the house to get a piece of paper, the thought had disappeared, leaving him hopeless. Here he was, many hours later, still trying to write something; anything really.
In a frustrated move, the young man grabbed the papers that laid on the table and throwed them across his shared bedroom. They did not even fly into the dense air, immediately littering on the floor. This action didn’t stop his anger, his frustration. It multiplicated it.
So many emotions rose inside himself. His heart was beating fast, and his hands were trembling. It would be so, so difficult to write like that. The realisation he didn’t even have something to write made him want to scream.
So, it was just what he did.
“What the hell was that?!”
Everyone in the kitchen stopped moving. Seokjin looked suspiciously at Taehyung who just had talked. It was his turn to help him cook and he usually didn’t try to get out from it. But it was starting to get late, and everyone felt a lot more tired than they should, considering that it was neither an award session nor a worldwide tour. They were just staying in Seoul, working on their next album.
Namjoon, who was sitting at the table, stopped reading his book. “I heard the weird noise, to-,” he started to say, before getting cut again by a loud bang and another scream.
Without an ounce of hesitation, the oldest of the band put down his knife and followed the screams. When they had gone home after their long day of work, he had told Jimin and Jungkook to be careful to stay silent; Yoongi needed to catch as much sleep as he could. But, once he was in the corridor leading to their bedrooms and the three bathrooms, he had a revelation. Oh, how stupid had he been.
He wasn’t sure what to expect, after opening the door to his shared bedroom. Stupidly, he had hoped and thought that Yoongi had felt asleep. Being his roommate, Seokjin knew how easily he could wake up at the lightest sound, if he was not deep sleeping yet. So, when he came back home after 6 hours spent behind a mic, he didn’t check on his friend. After all, he was a big boy who could take care of himself.
This is where he was wrong.
The noises the door made didn’t disturb Yoongi who was screaming. His whole face appeared 4 shades redder than usual and his eyes were surrounded by dark circles. Seokjin didn’t move, he didn’t make a noise. Everything from the way Yoongi moved to how he screamed showed how exhausted he was. Tears were slowly starting to appear in his eyes and his voice was losing his power.
A presence behind him made him stopped gazing at Yoongi to turn his head around. Namjoon didn’t talk, scared to break Yoongi’s angry moment. When he realised that Yoongi didn’t care about them, he softy murmured “He looks so tired. He looks so small.”
It hit Seokjin hard. Looking at his friend who was trying to find force to keep on screaming his anger at 11pm, he realised that Yoongi was just having a tantrum. A bad one, if he needed to be precise.
He tried to remember when was the last time Yoongi had been little. When he realised he couldn’t recall when it last happened, Seokjin felt sorrow for his baby. In their own productivity, they had forgotten to check on how their little was dealing with his own stress.
He turned around and looked closely at Namjoon that had a strange look behind his eyes. Ah, he must feel guilty too, thought Seokjin. It was no secret that Namjoon and Yoongi shared a special relationship. They knew each other like no one else did and most of the time, they could understand the other without a word being said.
It was without a doubt the reason why Yoongi had chosen Namjoon to be his first caregiver.
“Guess we have to take care of a tired baby tonight,” whispered Seokjin to his friend. This sentence brought a small, hesitant smile on his lips.
It was easy to scream, Yoongi realised. Once he started, it seemed to be the only logical thing to do. To scream so the world could hear and feel his anger and his frustration. If he had to suffer so much from these white empty papers, the world would have to feel this pain too.
At first, he tried to throw things while screaming. He even tried to kick furniture. But Yoongi became self-conscious on how breakable Jin’s stuff might be. He imagined easily how disappointed his hyung would be. It only increased his frustration, to imagine the deception in his eyes.
Standing up in the middle of the bedroom, he grabbed the back of the chair and throwed it towards the wall. To be honest, the loud sound scared him a tiny bit and it made him scream even louder. He just wanted all these big emotions to go away. He needed to be calm to write good lyrics. Anger and frustration wouldn’t make a great song, he was already sure of that.
A rush of new emotions hit him in another wave. Tears were filling his eyes. Moving and throwing things seemed to consume too much energy. His whole body was shivering, standing in the middle of his room with papers laying on the floor.
“Yoongi…,” someone called him. The voice surprised him and silenced him for a few seconds. In front of him, staying by the door, was Seokjin. His eyes were rivered on him, holding way too many emotions. Yoongi wondered what he was thinking, while seeing him in this state.
“Why are you still up?” Seokjin continued to ask. He started to move, coming closer to Yoongi. His voice was very soft. Yoongi wondered too why he was still up.
“I- I need… I need to finish with the song,” answered Yoongi in a weak voice. It didn’t even sound like himself. He wondered if it was due to the screaming.
The young man then realised that he didn’t even properly start to write on the song. It was so far from being done. He wondered if Seokjin would be disappointed. This thought made his heart hurt.
“Oh… well, you can take care of it tomorrow, okay? You need to get some sleep first.”
Suddenly, Yoongi realised how much time he would lose if he were going to sleep. This was unlosable time for him. He would not go to sleep. So, he just told Seokjin so, “Nuh nuh, no thank you, no bed for me.”
This hyung frowned his eyebrows and Yoongi really didn’t like this look on him. Before he had the time to sit at the desk to try writing something, the taller man talked very slowly, “You know how sleep is important, Yoongi. Maybe you could try eating something and then go take a nap, what about that?”
Yoongi’s eyes widened after Seokjin had pronounced the forbidden word. It seemed to provide energy that the younger man was lacking because his whole face became redder, and he started to scream a violent “No! No nap!”
He knew his hyung and how stupidly stubborn he could be. But Yoongi could be stubborn too and he wouldn’t go to bed. He had too many things to do and sleep was stupid. His screams became louder when Seokjin tried to approach him. But, they didn’t deter him.
“Shh, Yoongi baby, don’t cry…” whispered Seokjin, while he was slowly hugging him. This hug immediately stopped his screaming. Yoongi grabbed the top of his hyung’s shirt, the strong figure behind him becoming his anchor in the sea of emotions he was feeling.
“I’m- not a- a baby,” he hiccupped with difficulties. Tears were still running down his cheeks. He tried to hide his face where Seokjin’s shoulder and neck met. But, given his height, Yoongi wasn’t able to reach this area where he felt safer. This realisation made him cry harder.
Someone talked behind him but Yoongi didn’t even try to recognise the voice. Suddenly, his feet weren’t touching the floor anymore. A tiny yelp escaped him and, in his fear, Yoongi closed his eyes and buried his face in the neck of Seokjin. Even if it scared him, the feeling of being carried created a warmth inside of him.
“Hyung, you scare our baby.”
The voice was so familiar and Yoongi gathered all the courage he could find in himself to turn slightly his head and opened his eyes. Right in front of him was standing a tall man with a kind smile.
“Joonie,” whimpered Yoongi. Between all the emotions he felt, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to stop grabbing his hyung’s shirt or try to touch Namjoon. The confusion only brough more tears into his eyes.
Namjoon had been watching Seokjin coming closer to Yoongi from the threshold of the room. Seeing so many tears in the eyes of the small man had broken his heart. But, it wasn’t the first time it had happened and he knew it was better to not overwhelm him. So, he had been waiting patiently, keeping an eye on the corridor. His bandmates could be pretty loud and curious and now wasn’t the time to bother Yoongi.
Thankfully, they seemed to have caught what was happening. Namjoon was sure he heard them eat, without making too many noises. They quickly found their bedroom and he wondered if they hadn’t been tired too, surely not as much as Yoongi. It gave time to Seokjin to come closer to Yoongi and finally hugged him. The proximity didn’t stop his crying but at least, he seemed calmer. That’s the reason why Namjoon finally approached them, warning Seokjin in his calmest voice.
Maybe Jin understood this as a signal, because only a few seconds later, Yoongi’s feet weren’t touching the floor and his face was buried in the neck of their hyung. In the blink of an eye, Namjoon was by his side, standing right in front of him. He didn’t hesitate to carefully run his hand through the dark messy hair.
“Hyung, you scare our baby,” he tsked. The sentence made the head turn into his direction. His eyes met a face full of tears. He kindly smiled to him and whispered, “Hi baby, why are you still up? It’s way past your bedtime…”
These words brough a lot of emotions on Yoongi’s face. He was fighting a personal battle, between all the emotions he felt. Namjoon knew he wasn’t yet into the right headspace and it was, if you took Yoongi’s words, the worse thing ever.
The ‘right headspace’ was supposed to prevent Yoongi from feeling stress. All his worries would disappear from his mind for an afternoon, sometimes a weekend if he hadn’t properly taken care of himself. Feeling between the adult headspace and the baby one only brought the worse side effects of them.
Sometimes, Yoongi didn’t realise he needed to slip. If his brain was stuck on a problem, he could spend days on it. Sleep, food and proper care were things that didn’t matter. The less good care he had and the more difficult falling into this baby headspace was.
So, after a long conversation with the seven of them, they had fallen into the conclusion that they could trigger the drop. Most of the time, it was pretty easy. Make sure that Yoongi was feeling little, mentally and physically; calling him sweet names and act as if he was already into little space; give him love and affection.
A question about consent had been raised by Taehyung. Yoongi had brought the solution that no one wanted to bring for him. He would simply safeword if he didn’t want this.
So far, it had never happened.
“I’m- am not… a baby,” repeated Yoongi, his eyes full of tears. He was whimpering and his words were mixed between tears, “Don’t… not need a- a bedtime.”
Bedtimes were the worse. They stopped him from doing things that needed to be done, like working on songs and watching movies and having fun with Taehyung and Jungkook and Jimin.
Seokjin answered him, even if he was talking to Joonie, “But baby, look outside! The moon is out because it’s the night. The sun is sleeping and so Yoongi should.”
While he was talking, he has come closer to the windows. The few steps felt scary because the room was moving fast. Yoongi didn’t hesitate to grab the shirt with a stronger grip and his other hand found the nape of Jinnie’s neck. Jinnie was telling the truth, though. High in the sky the moon was illuminated the dark night. Even if he knew that the moon was his friend, he didn’t really like all of this darkness.
“Shh, don’t cry baby boy…” whispered Joonie. Suddenly, he felt something soft next to his neck, before recognising the sweet sensation. “Here is your fox. He missed you a lot,” continue the strong man in front of him.
True to his words, his fox was in arms. The sight of him brough many tears into his eyes, that run through his cheeks. Even looking at the red plushie felt too much and he started to loudly cry.
Yoongi didn’t know how long Jinnie rocked him. He knew that at some point, he was passed to Joonie’s arms and that only made him cry harder. He could hear their voices, singing ballads. They never left his sides, even when they were tired, but many not as tired as he felt.
He truly wanted to believe them, that he needed to sleep because he was their good boy and good boys followed their bedtime. But sometimes, it seemed to be hard to be good.
Maybe the next day, he would try to be their best boy…
At first, Seokjin didn’t realise that Yoongi’s felt asleep. He was still rocking him, singing songs in a low voice. it was one of the things that smoothed Yoongi the best with his fox, his pacifier and their warmth. Seokjin was sure the man in his arms didn’t realise the pacifier has been given to him, half an hour ago.
Namjoon stood by his side and said, in a careful tone, “I think he is deep asleep now.”
They both looked at him. Even in his sleep, it was easily detectable that he was tired. Dark circles were running under his eyes and even make-up wouldn’t cover them up. The pacifier was moving frequently, from his own smoothing.
“I don’t want to leave him,” whispered Seokjin. In just a glance, the both of them understood why he said that. None of them had realised how badly Yoongi had been taking care of himself for the last three days. They knew he was an adult, a fully functional one. But, they also knew how he could get, with deadlines and the goals he set for himself.
That night, or rather the rest of it, was spend with the three of them sleeping together. Namjoon brought together Yoongi’s and Seokjin’s bed, while Seokjin was still rocking Yoongi.
Yoongi ended up between the two of them, his fox used as a pillow. Each of his hands caught their top and this caption heated Seokiin’s heart. They knew they would end up with a cranky baby the following day. Namjoon would have to make phone calls to excuse Yoongi.
But, as he was falling asleep on a empty stomach, Jin knew there was no place he would rather be.