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Blinky was sprinting urgently through the streets in Trollmarket, uncaring of anyone whom he ran over in his rush. Trolls were yelling after him, demanding he stopped and apologized, or addressing him with unrepeatable epithets and exaggerated threats, but he simply didn’t care, focused as he was on his target. Nothing, at that moment, was more crucial than where he was going – or rather, who he was going to.
He started praying whatever superior force that Aaarrrgghh hadn’t left their home, as he proceeded to bump into a female troll holding a bag full of enraged gnomes and freed the infesting creatures by accident. “You filthy, overgrown vermin!” The lady insulted him, while the small, pointy beings started fleeing, but Blinky didn’t even slow down. He had been called by much worse names, and he was experiencing way too much pain to be able care about someone else’s minor inconveniences.
For once, the previous morning, he had been able to fall asleep without his bonded mate, finding a refuge in Kanjigar’s home. The way his friend had glanced at him when he had asked if he could stay and rest for a while betrayed his disappointment in Blinky, but Kanjigar wasn’t certainly the kind of troll who refused a bunk to a companion in need. Draal had been less kind, he hadn’t made the slightest effort to hide his indignation at the sight of a troll who was busy running away from his real life like a pathetic, laughable coward. “He’s your bonded mate”, he had roared. “You should be glad you have him. If mother and father had been stupid, spineless trolls like you and they had refused to accept the fate they had been handed, I wouldn’t even be here!”
Before Kanjigar had been able to reproach his son for his harsh remarks, Blinky had agreed with him. “Your father is the most courageous troll Trollmarket has ever seen, his bravery and greatness of soul second only to you mother’s”, he replied, bowing his head. “And I could never wish to compare. Still, you witnessed first-hand how close your father went to follow your mother in an atrocious destiny. I may be a coward, Draal, but can you really blame me for being frightened of such a future awaiting me?”
Albeit unconvinced, Draal had exchanged a look with his father and hadn’t added anything, therefore allowing Blinky to thank his host and drift off.
However, Blinky had not kept into consideration the intense agony he would feel upon awakening without Aaarrrgghh. The usual ache was only heightened by the emotional vulnerability of a brain fresh off a good rest. Knowing and expecting it, Kanjigar had been immediately by his side, offering him something to eat to alleviate his suffering, but to no use: soon enough Blinky had started to scream, doubled over in pain, his head pulsing and hurting as if someone was sawing his skull, and Kanjigar hadn’t been able to do anything about it but suggest him to run, as fast as his short legs allowed him to.
It took him a good ten minutes of zigzagging through the busy streets to finally reach his house. There, finally, he stopped, panting, taking in the sight of Aaarrrgghh looking at him, miserable. The bigger troll stood up and approached him, pulling him in a hug and nuzzling against the top of his head. “Hurts?” He asked, considerate.
“You know it, old friend”, replied Blinky, sighing in relief and returning the hug. The pain slowly faded, as it always did, leaving him with nothing more than a weird soreness and a bad memory.
“Know. Been away more than three days”, Aaarrrgghh muttered, sounding depressed.
It happened fairly often that Aaarrrgghh was miserable after one of Blinky’s escapes, but his mood always improved rapidly whenever he came back, so Blinky didn’t usually read much into it. However, there was a weird note of anger in Aaarrrgghh’s voice, this time, something Blinky had never noticed before and that managed to worry him. “Is everything alright, my friend?” He asked, apprehensive.
Luckily enough, Aaarrrgghh wasn’t one to hold onto bad feelings and let them rot, but he always preferred to spill the beans immediately when something was bothering him. “Hurts me too”, he roared, upset, letting go of Blinky and closing his eyes and fists to calm down. “I would never hurt Blinky on purpose”.
Blinky stayed silent for a while, rubbing his eyes with his four hands, before nodding. “You’re right”, he sighed. “I am profoundly sorry, Aarghaumont. You’re not as vocal about your pain as I am, and that makes it easy, for me, to forget we’re in this together”.
“Used to pain”, the Krubera muttered, already softened by Blinky’s apologies. “Doesn’t mean don’t feel it”.
Blinky looked at him, the reminder of his merciless past lingering between them like an accusation. “My dearest…” He started, but Aaarrrgghh shook his head. “Not the same”, he immediately cut short. “Gunmar was bad. Wanted us to fear him. Hurt us so we behave. Blinky scared, I get it”.
“It’s still not an excuse, Aarghaumont”, Blinky replied, ashamed. “I need to take your feelings more into consideration. I hate it when you’re reminded of your crude childhood, dear friend, and I hate it even more if my own actions end up being the reminder. I beg you to forgive me”.
“Forgiven”, Aaarrrgghh replied, easily. “Promise you stay?”
“I promise”, Blinky reassured him, convinced. They both knew what it meant: Blinky would stick by Aaarrrgghh’s side until his next panic attack, and it never took him much time to get a new one, usually no longer than a couple of weeks. He really hadn’t gotten much better, since the day he had left Aaarrrgghh in the middle of their wedding ceremony. For all the good intentions he had, the moment always came when he would just explode and run away, leaving Aaarrrgghh behind, overwhelmed by a pain so different than the one Gunmar used to inflict him, but not by any means lesser.
The one good thing about Blinky’s escapes was that when he came back, he felt so guilty about them that he spent hours coddling Aaarrrgghh and indulging in his every need, which felt incredibly nice. Later that day Aaarrrgghh even managed to convince him to read out loud a book of his own choice, and when Blinky obliged he curled up in a corner of the room, listening to his voice until he fell asleep, exhausted by his restless days of waiting for him to come home. When Blinky noticed, after making sure the Krubera was in a comfortable position, he sat down at his desk, rummaging through the drawers until he found the book he had been studying a few days before, ready to finally go back to his researches.
It was like this, with Aaarrrgghh sleeping in a corner of the room and Blinky with his nose buried in a dusty old tome, that Kanjigar found them a while later. “Come in”, Blinky said when he heard the other troll knocking, without even raising his head. “I’ll be with you in a few minutes”.
“As if”, chuckled Kanjigar, perfectly aware that when it came to reading, Blinky didn’t really grasp the difference between a few minutes and a whole week. “I just wanted to make sure you were alright, Blinkous. You gave me quite the scare, earlier”.
Blinky, at those words, quietly placed the book down, throwing a glance at Aaarrrgghh to make sure he was still sleeping. “I feel better”, he replied after seeing his closed eyes and slightly open mouth, somehow twisted as if he was distressed in a dream. “I always feel better. You know how it is”.
“You’re right, I know it”, Kanjigar replied, wiping away the books on the chair in front of Blinky’s desk and sitting down. Blinky glared at the careless way he had just treated his most precious belongings, but didn’t say anything, somehow knowing that given the topic of conversation, he did not have the moral high ground to lecture Kanjigar. “And since I know it, I must tell you”, the other troll continued. “My son is, I’ll concede, a bit rough around the edges, but he’s not half wrong”.
When Blinky didn’t answer, Kanjigar didn’t push it. He tried instead to approach the topic from a different angle, looking around and laying his gaze on the big Krubera resting near them. “Tough couple of days, I bet”, he commented.
“I have to guess”, replied Blinky, concisely, hoping that Kanjigar would leave sooner if he didn’t give in to his curiosity.
“Yes, I guess he’s not the talkative type”, said Kanjigar instead. “You know what I see, looking at the two of you?”
“Something unflattering, for sure”.
“I see a troll who desperately tries to act all smart and wise, but most of the time, he’s just an idiot. And I see a troll who can be mistaken for an idiot when he speaks, but he’s extraordinarily kind-hearted and sweet, and at least smart enough not to sleep when his bonded mate is not around”.
“I’ll overlook the insult”, muttered the smaller troll.
“What were you thinking, Blinkous?” Insisted Kanjigar, refusing to drop the subject.
“You were the one who told me I could stay and rest”.
“Because I knew it was either that, or you’d go to sleep somewhere else, with no one to keep an eye on you. That doesn’t mean I approve of your actions”.
“I don’t approve of my actions either”, groaned Blinky, tapping nervously on the right page of the book opened in front of him. “Can I go back to my research, now?”
“You do know you’re hurting him, right?”
“A collateral and much detested side effect, I assure you”.
“You’ve been gifted with such a patient mate, Blinky. If we were bonded, and you pulled these shenanigans on me, I’d kick you in the gronk-nuks after a day”.
“Which is why we could never be bonded”, commented Blinky, closing his book but careful not to lose the page. “I’ve been researching it, you see”, he explained, pointing at the title on the cover, A brief compendium of successful bonds. “It would appear it never happens between random trolls, but only between trolls who are most likely to be happier together than they are alone. Trolls who are already perfectly compatible, you see. So of course I was to be bonded with someone who’s able to bear with my, as you say, shenanigans”.
Kanjigar glanced curiously at the book on the desk. “So you are trying to accept the bond”, he commented, delightfully pleased. “Look at that, it seems like Vendel and I underestimated you, Blinkous”.
“Of course I’m trying”, the troll replied, smugly. “Will you leave me to it, now?”
“Too bad you’re doing it the wrong way!” Continued Kanjigar as if he’d never been interrupted. “Stop trying to find answers in your books, old fool. Find the answer within yourself. Do you really need a centuries old compendium to tell you Aaarrrgghh is your perfect partner?”
“I do not”, muttered Blinky. “I’m just trying to understand where’s the need for all of this. If two trolls are already meant to be together, if they’re already the perfect combination, why would this idiotic bond even exist? They’d surely find each other on their own, sooner or later”.
“Oh, I don’t know”, Kanjigar replied, sarcasm dripping from his every syllable, “probably because there are stubborn, foolish trolls like yourself who can’t see the truth even when it dances naked in front of them, and they need to be physically hurt to acknowledge it’s there!”
“That’s completely unfair! I would have stayed with Aaarrrgghh even without the bond”, roared Blinky, starting to get upset.
“You don’t even want to stay with him with the bond”, Kanjigar huffed. “Do you really expect me to believe you now?”
“Why is it so hard to understand that I don’t want to stay with him because of the bond, and not despite it?”
“Because it makes no sense!” Replied Kanjigar. “Why are you trying to escape from it? Because you can’t explain it? There are a lot of things we can’t explain, Blinkous. We don’t even know how it is that the Heartstone can give us life, but I don’t see you refusing to live because of it. It’s just the way we are, old friend. It’s just our functioning”.
“There must be a reason for it”, Blinky protested. “Something that goes beyond mere functioning, something that can be logically explained…”
“Stop trying to logically explain everything!” Retorted Kanjigar, standing up and slamming his fist on the desk. “What is wrong with your stupid brain for questioning something that’s been a part of trollkind for millennia? What do you expect, to discover a conspiracy started by some ancient wizard who threw a curse upon us for the mere pleasure of seeing us suffer?”
“Why not?” Shouted Blinky in return. “This thing is too stupid to be natural! If it’s a curse someone threw upon trollkind, at least it can be broken!”
“But why would you ever want to break it in the first place, you fool?” Asked Kanjigar, raising his own voice in what was effectively becoming a screaming match that started to draw the attention of everyone nearby. “You were the first one to admit you’re perfectly compatible. Why can’t you just be happy you’ve been chosen to be one of the few amongst us who can get to know love?”
“Happy?” Blinky screamed. “You’re asking me to be happy? Tell me, Kanjigar the Courageous, were you happy when your wife died? Were you happy while you screamed your lungs out in agony, or when you came to me and threw your own sword at my feet, begging me to kill you with it, because you were too scared to relearn how to live without her?”
In that moment, a large, spiky figure broke into the house, slamming the door open and roaring against Blinky. “Do not dare speak to my father like that!” Draal threatened him, knocking over the desk on his enraged path and grabbing Blinky’s neck with one of his large hands. “You filthy little liar!”
Blinky was actually scared of Kanjigar’s young son. Kanjigar was known to be kind, fair even in his rare outbursts of rage. Blinky was not afraid to fight with him, they had done so many times in the past and he had always survived, and without ever losing one of his numerous limbs. Draal, on the other hand, was the complete opposite. He was known to be selfish, arrogant, and impulsive to a worrying extent. He didn’t seem to have respect for anyone but his own father, and Blinky was grateful when said father took it on himself to save his life, placing a hand on Draal’s shoulder. “Blinkous speaks the truth, my son”, the troll sighed. Draal let the grip on Blinky’s neck go, shocked. “But… Father… I…”
“You are most dear to me, and protecting you has become my sole reason of life”, Kanjigar reassured him. “But back then I was devastated. I couldn’t find solace but in the prospect of being reunited with your mother. Losing a bonded mate is indeed the greatest pain our hearts can know”, Kanjigar continued, turning towards Blinky, who was still massaging his neck where Draal’s fingers had pressed on his vulnerable stone. “But despite it, yes, Blinkous. To answer your question, I was happy. Maybe not during those particular moments, but… Before, I was. The years of pure joy she gifted me with were ultimately worth all the pain I endured. I know you’re scared”, he said in a comforting tone, taking a step towards him. “I know you fear the pain you might come to feel. I know you fear Aaarrrgghh, for all the power he now holds over you. I know it because I was afraid too. But… It’s worth it. Believe me, it is”.
Blinky looked in Kanjigar’s eyes, seeing the sincerity the other troll was pouring in his words. He wanted to reply, but in the corner of his eye he saw Aaarrrgghh’s massive body start to move as the Krubera slowly stood up, drowsily rubbing his eyes. “Look at that. We woke you up”, Blinky muttered, his attention now fully on his mate. “My apologies, dear friend. If you need more sleep, I’ll be sure to keep a low tone from now on”.
Aaarrrgghh didn’t reply. He stood still for a moment, then snapped his eyes open, and what Blinky saw in them freaked him out to an incredible extent.
Where Aaarrrgghh’s kind eyes used to be, he could now see only two black, deep wells, with just a small, green light in the middle, just like they were the first time they had met, a cowardly troll and a ferocious Gumm-Gumm general trying to devour him. His nostrils were dilated as he breathed heavily, taking one slow step after the other towards Blinky, who stood still, unable to decide if he wanted to run to him and calm him down or run away to save his life.
He finally opted for somewhere halfway.
“Great Gronka Monka! Aaarrrgghh, get a grip on yourself!” He exclaimed, slowly taking a few steps back to avoid startling him. Aaarrrgghh, in response, cracked his knuckles and roared right in Blinky’s face.
“Shall I take care of him, father?” Draal asked, eager to prove his valour in a combat with such a gallant opponent.
“No!” Yelled Blinky, anticipating Kanjigar’s response. “No one shall lay a finger on him! He’s just confused!”
“Whatever. You don’t seem able to keep it at bay, Galadrigal”, Draal grunted.
“Keep it at bay? He’s not a wild beast!” Shouted Blinky in return.
“Stop it with the screaming, you two”, calmly suggested Kanjigar. “It’s probably what triggered this in the first place”.
Roaring, Aaarrrgghh threw a punch towards Blinky, but the small troll was quick to duck and dodge it. When Aaarrrgghh’s massive fist hit one of his shelves and all the books went flying around, though, Blinky reasoned that taking the punch himself would have probably hurt him less. “We were briefly talking about his time with Gunmar before he slept. I think that’s the reason”, he considered, quickly running towards the door to be ready to escape in case things went down. Draal and Kanjigar were already out of the house, while everyone else who had gathered around, after understanding what was causing the commotion, had already started running around and loudly accusing Aaarrrgghh of high treason.
“Why the hell were you talking about his time with the Gumm-Gumms?” Asked Draal, appalled, as Kanjigar took it on himself to try and stop Aaarrrgghh without hurting him. As the Krubera jumped towards them and started throwing punches around, Kanjigar grabbed his wrists and tried to keep him in place, only managing to get him madder.
“He was saying…” Blinky sighed, ashamed. “That I hurt him, when I leave for days, and that just because he’s used to pain from when Gunmar tortured him for fun it doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel it”.
“You see the wrong in your ways, Blinkous?” Asked Kanjigar, while Aaarrrgghh managed to free himself from his grip and lay a hit on Draal.
“Do you really think this is the best moment to discuss it?” Countered Blinky, exasperated, as Draal roared in pain and pushed back the Krubera, holding him against a wall that, Blinky feared, wasn’t going to withstand for long their combined weights.
“It is!” Replied Kanjigaar, urgently. “Reach inside yourself, Blinkous. The bond is there, it’s a part of you. You can reach out to Aaarrrgghh through it, calm him down. Unless you’re too stubborn to try and accept that no matter how you feel about it, some good can come from it”.
For a moment, Blinky considered being too stubborn. But seeing Aaarrrgghh like that, having lost himself and the memories of their time together, was hurting him just as if he was far away, in an unknown land he couldn’t escape.
So he obeyed, closing his eyes while Draal and Kanjigar tried to stop Aaarrrgghh from hurting anyone. He searched inside, confused at what to look for. There was nothing unusual, nothing that could resemble a bond connecting him to the other troll. Where was he to look for? Near his brain? His heart? In his guts? Where did this bond start? Did it have a physiological location? How could he find it? He had never read anything about finding the bond inside, in all of the books he had read on the topic!
“A little help?” He asked, panicking. Irrational fears starting to overlap in his mind, rapidly nullifying any attempt to focus on his task. What if Aaarrrgghh was never going to be himself again because he was too incompetent to even find their bond? What if he couldn’t find it in time and Draal and Kanjigar decided to take him out to avoid any fuss? What if Aaarrrgghh was going to be considered a traitor of Trollmarket and distanced from it? Blinky didn’t think he could bear the guilt he’d feel.
“You’re thinking too much, you foolish troll!” Replied Kanjigar. “The answer isn’t in one of your books. Stop thinking. Feel!”
And Blinky felt. He felt scared at the idea that he was going to lose Aaarrrgghh for his stupidity and cowardness. He felt ashamed at the way he kept running away from Aaarrrgghh, at the way he still thought of their bond like a weight he wasn’t strong enough to carry, a burden that was pushing him down while he couldn’t help but drag Aaarrrgghh down with him.
He felt horrified at the prospect of never seeing Aaarrrgghh’s smile again.
He felt warmth, and content, remembering the first time he had seen that smile uncovering Aaarrrgghh’s fangs in surprise and affection. He felt giddy thinking of the way the Krubera patted him on his head while he smiled, the way he hugged him so tight he sometimes was sure he’d break into stone fragments, or the way he laughed at his bashfulness and embarrassment whenever he made Blinky a compliment. He felt stupid for being scared of something so tender and precious like Aaarrrgghh.
And suddenly, he felt it. It wasn’t… Anywhere, really, but everywhere at the same time. He had been looking for a link, for something that connected two different beings, but it wasn’t like that. It wasn’t a link between different trolls, it was a thin, fragile layer that barely separated two parts of a same individual. Aaarrrgghh was there, a different piece of his own conscience, a bit lost, and confused, and afraid, and Blinky felt him.
He reached out to him, calmly and slowly. He tried to comfort this other side of himself he was only now discovering, tried to remind Aaarrrgghh where he was, what he was doing, who he was doing it to. He tried to convey to him images that sometimes managed to calm him down whenever he panicked. He imagined the two of them sleeping together, hugging, chatting, laughing and joking with each other. He showed him images of all the changes Blinky had done to the house to accommodate him, and of all the small personal touches Aaarrrgghh had added; he tried to make him see how much he loved them, how much he was equally scared and delighted that his house was now definitely theirs. He poured into the bond his memories from the day they had become friends, he didn’t even leave out how scared he had been of him, during the first days, but he emphasized how the fear had slowly faded and evolved into affection, pure fondness that melted his heart every time he looked at him.
He felt a sudden calm wash over him. He opened his eyes, and met Aaarrrgghh’s ones, back to their normal colour, while the big Krubera looked at him with the most loving gaze he had ever seen. “Dear friend”, he sighed, running to hug him. “You gave us all a scare”.
“Sorry”, replied Aaarrrgghh, returning the hug. He shot a guilty look at Kanjigar, who was glancing away out of respect for their privacy, and at Draal, who was staring outraged at the small wound on his shoulder, where a fragment of stone was clearly missing.
When he let go of Aaarrrgghh, Blinky smiled gratefully at both of them, glad the nightmare was finally over.
It would be too convenient to say that from then on Blinky never felt the need to run away from Aaarrrgghh’s side again, but something good came out of it anyway: the times he sought refuge at Kanjigar’s, a stern look from the other troll was enough to remind him that whenever he got sleepy, it was his clue to go home.
He never slept alone anymore, nor allowed Aaarrrgghh to; and if Aaarrrgghh ever woke up again in that feral state, he was able to calm him down in a few moments, through the power of a peculiar bond he was just starting to know.
It was too much to hope that no one would tattle on the incident to Vendel, but fortunately the elder leader was understanding of the circumstances and let them go – but only after making sure no one had gotten hurt in the small uproar. “Is that a new wound on your shoulder?” He had asked Draal, suspiciously. Blinky had frozen on the spot, but Draal had been quick to come up with an excuse. “I was attacked by a gnome earlier today”, he had lied, convincingly; and whether he had done it out of compassion or mere shame for getting hurt so easily, Blinky was grateful.
When they were finally home together, Blinky smiled at Aaarrrgghh, patting his back. “What a day, uh?” He commented, light-heartedly. It felt good to see everything was back to normal.
“Yes”, Aaarrrgghh agreed, simply. Then he added: “Blinky felt me. Through bond. Called me back. Thank you”.
“I’m merely regretful it took me so long, my gargantuan friend”, Blinky replied, smiling. “I wasn’t sure how to do it, and I apologize for leaving you in that state for so long”. Aaarrrgghh smiled at him, grateful, before falling in a comfortable silence while he helped Blinky sort out all the books that had been thrown around in the commotion.
“Aaarrrgghh always feel Blinky”, the Krubera commented after a while. “Feel when he’s scared”.
Blinky was surprised. Either Aaarrrgghh was a natural when it came to bonds and mates, or Blinky was extraordinarily incompetent, which wasn’t a thought he enjoyed. Either way, he couldn’t get rid of the unpleasant feeling that Aaarrrgghh deserved better.
“Why don’t you go back to rest, my friend?” He asked after a moment, not knowing how to reply to his mate’s statement. “I’d say, after losing and finding yourself again, you truly deserve it. I’ll keep watch, so that nothing will come to disturb your sleep again”.
Aaarrrgghh hesitated. “Scared I’ll have more nightmares”, he admitted, dejected.
“Goodness gracious, who doesn’t have them, once in a while?” Blinky replied. “I am not surprised your dreams weren’t sweet, my friend, all with that despicable conversation we had earlier today. Considering you went to sleep thinking of Gunmar and woke up surrounded by screams, you had an almost logical reaction, at least given your… Particular circumstances. Just think of beautiful thoughts, this time, while you fall asleep, and I guarantee nothing bad will happen”.
Aaarrrgghh, ever so trusting, nodded, and quickly reached his favourite corner in the room to curl up in a ball and sleep.
It took only a few minutes for Blinky to give in to curiosity. He joined his friend, curled up next to him and looked at his tranquil face. It wasn’t twisted anymore in a pained expression; he was smiling, now. And Blinky truly had never seen anything so wonderful.
“What are you thinking of, Aarghaumont?” He asked softly, unsure if the other could hear him.
But Aaarrrgghh heard him, and replied, his mind already drifting off. “Thinking of future”, he said, concise as always. “Future where Blinky doesn’t fear me”.
Blinky tentatively reached out to him through the bond and smiled tenderly when he felt him.
He was at peace.