Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chan arrived at the dorm feeling on edge. He had been working on some songs and they weren't going as planned, falling into a producing slump he was unable to snap out of. He needed to get back on track before the official preparations for the next album began, he needed the head start.

Of course, he didn't say any of that to his members. He couldn't, he'd be dragged out of the studio and locked inside the dorm if they ever knew he wasn't meeting with idol friends as he had told them. They were supposed to be resting, after all.

He had promised he'd be back home in time for a movie night. He had fulfilled it, and now he stood outside with his hand trembling against the keypad of the dorm, taking his time to press the right buttons to not risk setting off an alarm. When the door finally unlocked, his head had begun to become fuzzy at the edges.

He couldn't do this now.

Not here, not today. Not in front of his boys. Not when they've been planning this night with such enthusiasm, making trips to the convenience store to stock their snack drawer, arguing for days about what movies they were going to watch. 

Chan stumbled in, instantly hearing Hyunjin's loud laugh and Seungmin's protests. He was home and, for once, the fact didn't bring him comfort. He left his things at the entrance, disregarding his shoes and almost falling face first into the ground. Once he had successfully rid himself of everything, he headed straight to the kitchen in search of a glass of cold water in hopes to dissipate the fog that became more prominent as seconds ticked by.

He heard people calling out his name happily, he waved and smiled in what he hoped was a convincing show of him being glad to be home. He didn't have such luck. Changbin followed him to the kitchen with a frown, making Chan slightly aware that the laughter across the dorm had significantly dimmed.

"Hyung? What's up with you?" Changbin tried to stop him, but Chan stumbled against the fridge in his haste, "Are you drunk?!"

"I- no. Wait, j-just give me a second." He said, desperately trying to hold on to his current headspace and not suddenly slip in front of Changbin. That would be a way to call into disaster.

"Tell me what's going on!" The combination of Changbin yelling and suddenly grabbing harshly to his shoulders wasn't helping his situation. His raised voice was only going to attract the rest of them. Chan didn't need an audience.

He was getting desperate. He tried to get away from Changbin but the hold he had on him was too strong, almost bringing a whimper out of Chan. It didn't take long for the others to appear, frantic and distressed.

All seven were looking at Chan and he couldn't take it. They were worried, yes, but would that hold true if Chan regressed? If he started acting and talking like a child without giving any warning? He had kept this part of him under lock, only for him to know and to manage, they didn't even know what Little Space was. 

"If you've been going to the studio all this time, Bang Chan, so help me God I'll-" Minho sounded so upset , correctly pointing out part of the list of things that had gone wrong that day. He couldn't hold it any longer.

He bursted into tears. 

Some of them reacted instantly and started fussing over Chan, perhaps a little too abruptly because he couldn't help but flinch away from them. Looking at them with teary eyes while he sobbed helplessly, reaching a fist to his face to start rubbing his tears off.

He didn't know what he had done wrong, because suddenly all of them froze and watched him wide eyed. These were his Hyungs, weren't they? Why were they getting away from him? Had he bothered them by being so loud?

"H- Hyungs?" As soon as he spoke, the tension around the room augmented. Chan didn't understand. 

"Hyung, what are you talking about?" Said Seungmin, looking confused, "Why are you talking so weirdly? Stop messing around, tell us what happened." 

Chan backed away and stuck a thumb on his mouth. The tears were picking intensity, why weren't his Hyungs holding him? He had thought many times about finally meeting them and, now that they were in front of him, they only seemed to be disgusted by him.

Chan forced himself out from his headspace, heart racing and hands clammy. He yanked his thumb out of his mouth and closed his eyes, Feeling worse than he had before. He took a deep breath and met his members eyes. 

He didn't like what he saw in them.

"I think we should have a talk."

They were in a familiar position. Sitting in one of the rooms — Minho, Seungmin and Hyunjin's, this time—, a kind of uneasy atmosphere all around them while they kept quiet and waited for Chan to start. They did these kinds of meetings every time there was a disagreement or when a topic needed to be discussed as a team. It was the first time Chan was the subject of such harsh gazes.

Hyunjin was the first to snap, "Are you going to tell us what the hell was that about? Or are we going to sit here looking at each other and trying to guess? Because I would really like an explanation."

Chan winced, his breathing picking up slightly. Mentally preparing himself for what he was going to say next.

"There's this… this coping mechanism where someone mentally regresses to the age of a child. I- what you saw was me slipping into that headspace." Chan's voice didn't even waver and he felt proud. He sounded more composed than how he felt.

"Why would you want to do that?" said Jeongin, with a frown to the corners of his mouth, "I'm sure we can find thousands of better ways for you to cope"

"Well, uh… this mechanism — Little space — can happen because of stress or-"

"Hold up, so you're telling us that this… this thing happened because you're stressed ?" disbelief colored Jeongin's voice, "Hyung, we're having days off, what the hell are you stressed about?" 

"Minho-Hyung was right, wasn't he? You've been going to the studio this whole time. I bet that if I reached Bambam-Hyung right now he'll be able to tell us that you've been lying to us." Jisung's words felt like a threat. Nothing about what was happening was helping Chan and his desperate attempt to ignore the need to slip.

"No, wait-" he scrambled to explain, to make them understand. They kept on talking over him, their voices growing louder as they got more worked up.

"You scared me, Hyung!" Changbin yelled, now disregarding whatever consideration they had before. Chan flinched, "I can't believe you're so selfish! What part of feigning to act like a child did you think would be a good idea?!"

A whimper left Chan involuntary. No one heard him, yet, his flinching didn't go unnoticed and it only seemed to feed the others' anger. His hands were shaking and the pain on his chest felt suffocating.

"Guys! Let him talk!" Minho yelled but, among the chaos, no one heard him. Or they simply didn't care.

"Are you really going to cry now? Do you think that's going to work with us?" Felix wasn't screaming, he didn't even raise his voice and, somehow, that was worse.

All of their voices became so loud and started to overlap into each other, making Chan unable to distinguish what was being said. It didn't matter. The pissed off expressions they wore was everything he needed to understand.

"I'm sow- sorry!, please, I'm so sorry. I promise it won't happen again. Just… please. Please don't look at me like that," Chan could feel the sting of tears starting to become present. He fought to keep from sobbing, the others didn't deserve to deal with that too. "I'll be better. I'll be a better leader a-and a better hyung, I promise."

The silence that followed served to make Chan more nervous. He could feel all seven of them pinning him down to his seat with their stares, he couldn't find the strength to look up and acknowledge what they must be thinking about him. The disgust. The disappointment. 

He felt himself shrink under their judgment. The pressure in his chest grew with every second that passed and he worried that his distress would push him into regressing, he couldn't afford it happening a second time. He had just promised them to be better, him giving in to his headspace would prove exactly the opposite and they'll get rid of him without any other consideration. 

He heard shuffling from in front of him, followed by Minho's voice "Alright, everyone out" 

Chan heard some light protests and saw Jeongin beside him open his mouth to argue. Chan didn't understand why they wanted to stay, they should be happy that Minho decided to handle the situation on his own and that the rest of them had a chance to ignore him. 

"I said out. Now." His voice made it clear he wouldn't take any objections. The rest of them quickly stood up and filed out of the room, it wasn't until they heard the last door shut that Minho began moving towards Chan.

He saw Minho lift both hands close to his face and flinched. He didn't expect Minho to gently cup his face with both of his hands and give him a forehead kiss. It made his insides flutter with giddy relief, giving him enough confidence to look at Minho in the eyes. 

"Hey, baby," Minho tenderly ran his thumbs underneath Chan's eyes, even if no tears had escaped his eyes yet "Why is my baby apologizing, hm? You haven't done anything wrong." 

"Min-Minho, please don't. I- I c- can't, please." He tried to get himself away from Minho's touch, from his words and his soft eyes. He couldn't take it, he wasn't strong enough to deny himself when Minho was treating him this way. 

Chan hated himself for leaning into the light touches the other was giving him. For yearning for something he didn't deserve and making his friend, his dongsaeng , take care of him when it should be the other way around.

"It's okay, you can let go. It's just me here, I won't let anyone hurt you, sweetheart," the pet names made the tears Chan had been strongly holding back to start running down his cheeks. 

Chan shook his head determinedly, "I c- can't. Please. I can't be like this now. Please, Minho, please." 

"Why not? I'm not gonna make you do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but you look on the verge of breaking down," his gaze never left Chan, filling him with a sense of security that washed over his whole body. "Come on baby, let Hyung take care of you."

That's all it took. 

" H-Hyungie"

"There you are, my baby," Minho was quick to scoop him into his arms, "Your Hyungs were meanies to you, weren't they, sweetheart? Everything is okay now, you're okay, Hyung's got you" 

Chan kept on bawling while Minho rocked him from side to side, whispering gentle words against his temple and placing kisses on his hairline. His emotions were a mess. A part of him knew the hurt making his chest heavy was going to keep haunting him for weeks to come; the other part only cared about being held. 

He grabbed Minho's shirt with both hands, in an almost desperate gesture, and pressed himself flush against the other's chest, hiding beneath his neck to bask in the closeness. He didn't know when would be the last time he'd be permitted such a gesture and he intended to make the most of it. 

Eventually, his cries decreased to tiny hiccups and whimpers, leaving him with a splotchy face and swollen eyes. 

"Hyungies n-no want Channie" the words seemed to scratch their way up his throat, having to force himself to utter them. His Hyung had been nice while holding him, he didn't want him to go away because he was a dumb baby who couldn't even speak.

"Your hyungies are confused and said awful stuff to you. They'll apologize, baby, and we can try talking to them again. I'll help you." 

"N-now?" He was scared. Of being rejected again and seeing his family against him, but maybe he could go and prove to them that he wasn't bad. He could apologize now and keep quiet afterwards, that way they would see that being around him is tolerable. He'll prove to them how much of a good boy he can be. 

"I don't think going now will be good, sweetheart," His stomach dropped. Minho sighed, "If you really want to and are sure, I'll go with you. Then it's straight to bed, okay?"

Minho had left Chan in the hallway for a few minutes, with the instructions that he'll only talk to his Hyungs for a bit before he could go in. Chan couldn't help but feel small when he was all alone, hearing the whispering from inside the room, sometimes picking up into barely there yells that made Chan's heart race. 

He'll prove them. He could be lovable and useful, he'll show them how polite and quiet and still he could be. 

When Minho opened the door to let him in, he did it with a smile, giving his hand for Chan to hold. He decided to hide behind his Hyung, trying to not squish his hand too hard in fear of hurting him. He didn't look up until they stopped walking, easily finding the rest of his Hyungs huddled across Jisung and Jeongin's beds, all of them watching Chan. 

With a glance to Minho, Chan let go of his hand and placed both of his hands against his tummy, proceeding to bow as low as he could.

"C- Channie sorry, Hyungies. I be good boy, p'omise." Chan felt the need to put his thumb in his mouth, but his Hyungs wouldn't like that, right? They expected him to be well behaved and not cause any childish actions that could make them uncomfortable with him. He could do that. He'll do anything to get his Hyungs to love him. 

He got back to his position behind Minho, fiddling with the hem of his shirt lightly, without pulling on it too hard as to not disturb him. He risked a glance over Minho's shoulder and saw his six friends staring at him, their expressions unreadable to Chan's mind. 

He knew that silence was never good, especially when he had caused it. It wouldn't be too long for the screaming and scolding to start, it was better if he ran away from the room to hide, but good boys never left unless they were dismissed. 

Chan tugged at Minho's shirt to get his attention, "Hyung, go?" His voice barely a whisper, with a hopeful tilt at the end of the phrase.

"You go ahead Channie, I'll be there soon" he said, without looking at him, "I'll stay here with your Hyungs a little bit longer." 

The hopeful feeling completely vanished at those words. He was bad. His Hyung didn't want him anymore, he had told him to wait and he didn't listen, had ruined everything again because he couldn't follow one single instruction. He wanted to beg and cry and make promises that his Hyung wasn't going to believe anymore, anything to keep him by his side. 

Chan let go of Minho's shirt, blinking his tears away and fighting not to sniff. "Yes, Hyung."

Before he could turn away and leave, Jisung stood up abruptly and walked to him in long strides. Chan hunched up and looked at the ground, maybe he was getting hit after all. He deserved it after being such a burden. 

When Jisung stopped in front of him, Chan had silent tears wetting his cheeks, slowly making its descent all the way to the neck of his shirt. Without being prompted to, Chan lifted his shaking hands with the palms up. An apology sat uncomfortably at the tip of his tongue, he managed to keep it at bay only by the fact that the punishment would be harsher if he spoke.

"Chan? What… What are you doing?" 

"Channie's been bad," he sniffed, "Bad boys get punished." His voice trembled with every word, fear being apparent in the way his hands shook with more force. 

Jisung lifted both of his hands slowly. Chan couldn't help but flinch and shut his eyes, preparing himself for the impact. Instead, he felt Jisung intertwining his fingers around Chan's palms, lifting one of his hands towards his mouth to plant a kiss. 

"Channie, baby, can you look at me?" He didn't want to, but he had just dodged a punishment and didn't want to test his luck by disobeying an order. 

He looked at his Hyung through his lashes, not entirely raising his head. Chan was surprised to see Jisung with tears swimming in his eyes, an obvious sad expression overtaking his features. A heavy feeling began to pool in his stomach, had he done something wrong again?

"I would never, ever hit you Channie. Never. You're our good little baby and we shouldn't have said all those horrible things to you." Jisung let his hands drop in order to wrap him in a hug, "I'm so sorry, Channie. I'm sorry. I'll make it up for you, I promise." 

Jisung pulled back from the hug enough to begin kissing Chan's cheeks tenderly, wiping his tears with his thumbs in a similar manner to Minho. Chan wanted to let himself go and rest completely against Jisung, let himself enjoy the soft touches he had been deprived of for weeks. Instead he pulled away and looked at the others. Most of them wore sad expressions, but he could still see Seungmin's blank face and Changbin's poorly concealed unsettlement. 

When Chan made eye contact with Changbin, his expression turned to anger. 

"Why are you acting like this, Hyung? Just cut the crap and stop acting like a crybaby for fuck's sake" Chan didn't even flinch when Changbin got up the bed he was sitting on to make his way to him, spitting words laced with venom the closer he got, making Chan rooted to the floor with fear "If you want to be punished so be it, come here right now and we'll see how you like acting like a brat."

"Hyung, wait-" but Felix wasn't able to stop him, because before Changbin got to an arm's distance, Chan's legs gave out. Jisung was quick to crouch down next to him, unable to prevent his fall. Then the screams started.

"No! No, I'm sowwy! 'yungie, I'm sowwy" his frantic words held a desperation that none of them had ever heard from him, it made Changbin freeze. "P'ease, p'ease, p'ease. I go 'way bu' p'ease no punish" 

Chan's words turned unintelligible as he got more worked up, looking up at Changbin while he pleaded to not be hit. He knew that it would be worse, knew that his sobbing would only make his Hyung more angry at him and the punches he'll deliver more devious. He couldn't stop. Not when he slipped farther into his headspace. 

Even if Changbin had stopped, Chan began to crawl backwards, putting as much distance as he could between the two of them. His attempts at escape proved to be useless when the rest of them stood up, Chan could only wail helplessly at the sight of all his Hyungs starting to corner him. He never should've come, he shouldn't have even spoken when he wasn't being asked anything, it was obvious that they didn't want him and he still tried. He was just a dumb selfish baby, asking for things he didn't deserve.

"Stop! All of you! You're scaring him!" 

He was frantic to find a place to hide, away from them. Among his cries, he was able to feel when Jisung stopped following him and left his side. He took his chance and frantically approached the small space he had been eyeing as his escape, making himself as smaller as he could to fit and be away from his Hyungs harsh judgment.

"W-why? Why 'yungies no 'wove Channie?" They left him. They didn't want him. "'m sowwy, 'yungies, p'ease. I be good boy, I p'omise"  

He cried for what felt like hours, losing the fight and lodging his thumb inside his mouth and sucking on it lightly. He had his head resting against the hard surface of the wall and his jeans were getting irritable against his skin. His hiding place between the dresser and the wall had been effective, no one had tried to hurt him. He was safe. He was tired, maybe if he closed his eyes, he'd wake up tucked in bed, cuddling a stuffed animal and his paci in place.

He felt someone touch his arm lightly and rouse him from the light sleep he had been in. When he looked up he saw Seungmin with tears running steadily through his cheeks. He didn't want to see his Hyung sad and he was sure he was the cause of it, he had made them all sad and angry and all kinds of bad emotions since he arrived that day at home. But he craved their touch. He didn't care if they would go back to hating him after, if he got a fraction of their love, it would be enough.

Seungmin was now smiling sadly at him, never ceasing to rub Chan's arm. 

"Hi, Channie. Can I hug you?" He said, as he scooted closer to Chan. "It's okay if you don't want to, baby, I'm not going to force you" 

Chan rubbed his eyes with a fist, his thumb still inside his mouth. He sniffed and looked at Seungmin with fear. 

"Hyungie wan's?" He said through hiccups, curling himself up against the wall, getting away from his Hyung and his touch. When Seungmin's face dropped, Chan knew he had made a mistake once again. "Hyungie no hit?"

In front of him, Seungmin cried silently. "I'm not going to hurt you, Channie. None of us will, okay? I want to hold you." 

Chan didn't believe him. He scooted a little closer to look at the room, searching for Changbin with his eyes. He found him in the farthest corner of the room, looking distressed, hugging his middle and watching Chan with a similar sadness as Seungmin. 

"I'm sorry, Channie. I know you don't believe me, but I'm sorry." Changbin's voice sounded somewhat strangled. Having him so far gave Chan confidence in moving from his hiding spot. 

Seungmin moved backwards as he slowly made his way out, getting a better look at the state of the rest of them. All of his Hyungs were sitting on the floor; Jisung had seated himself on Hyunjin's lap, slight tremors going through his body. Jeongin, Felix and Minho were directly in front of him, expectantly waiting for him.

Chan felt unsure over everything. His Hyungs looked completely different to when Changbin approached him, he didn't understand what that abrupt change meant, they seemed to go from loathing him to doting on him in a matter of seconds. 

"Hey, sweetheart," said Minho when Chan stopped from out of arm's reach for all of them. "I think we owe you a talk, don't we?" 

Chan's eyes kept on tearing up. He didn't want to talk. Talks with his Hyungs meant he was going to get shouted at and be told all the ways he had been bad. All the reasons why they didn't love him.

Jeongin decided to take the initiative and separated from the other's, keeping a considerable distance from Chan. He let go of his thumb, placing both of his hands down on his lap.

"Hi, Channie, we've been really mean to you, haven't we? It's okay if you don't want to come closer to us, we just want to make sure you're okay and didn't hurt yourself while hiding. Does anything hurt?" Chan felt reassured by his tone, he also didn't seem to be as upset as the rest of his Hyungs. He decided to tell the truth and nod, Jeongin smiled "Okay, can you tell me what hurts? That way I can make it better, I promise."

Chan chanced a glance to everyone else, being met with gestures of affirmation from all of them but Jisung, who seemed to be trembling stronger in Hyunjin's arms. He wanted to go and hug his Hyung, holding back only by the sense that he wouldn't be welcomed. He answered Jeongin instead. 

"M-my head a-and here." he said, holding a hand to his throat. 

"Seungmin-Hyung, can you get some water? if it's in a bottle better. Can anyone check if we have painkillers? I don't think Channie will be able to take them, but it doesn't hurt to try," Seungmin and Changbin got up at Jeongin's orders, leaving Chan to relax a bit more, "I have a fluffy blanket just for you, Channie, do you want it?" At the Little's nod, Jeongin got up to retrieve the item, getting close enough to Chan to drape it over him. 

Chan closed his eyes, only opening them again when Changbin and Seungmin got back. He was tired, his eyes dropping with fatigue, swaying a little with the need to lay down and finally sleep. 

Minho came closer to him, by Jeongin's request, looking unsure of his own actions. Chan decided to make the decision for him, disregarding the possibility of earning a punishment for his actions, and laid down across Minho's lap, curling up with the blanket. His Minho-Hyung had never hurt him, even when Chan acted up and demanded to go talk to the rest, he still showed kindness. Chan didn't squirm when Minho helped him drink the bottle of water, he didn't complain when Chan found the little white circular painkiller to be too bitter and hard to swallow, and didn't do anything else but hold him.

Chan wanted to melt against him, rest against someone who would cuddle him. Instead, he got away from Minho and dragged himself all the way to his hiding spot again, curling up with the blanket and succumbing to sleep. He didn't open his eyes a last time to see his Hyungs, he didn't stir when he heard a low murmuring start to pick around the room. He slept on, finally feeling safe.

Chan woke up the next day laying on Felix's bed, splitting headache pounding on his temples. He couldn't remember the exact things that happened after Minho had gotten him to regress, but he knew his time in Little Space wasn't as healing and relaxing as it usually was. The conversation he tried to have with all of them was enough to clue him in. He wanted to avoid the boys for as long as he could, but he knew that in doing that, he would only be raising more alarms and probably cause an intervention.

He started pretending as soon as he got out of bed that day. He went out to the kitchen as soon as he washed up in the bathroom, not able to do anything to his swollen eyes or the obvious signs that his distress from last night had taken too much out of him. And he smiled. He laughed and joked, made breakfast for everyone and went to wake up Hyunjin and Changbin as usual, pretending he didn't notice the way they seemed to walk on eggshells around him.

It worked.

By the time they had to leave to start their schedules, Jeongin was whining to be left alone and ran away from his hugs, his smile a mile wide. Everyone catched up on Chan's happy mood and assumed everything was going to be fine, that whatever happened last night was forgotten and forgiven. That now the opportunity to leave the situation behind them was available, along with all the bad feelings and insecurities it had caused. 

Chan wasn't okay. He responded to Felix and Jisung's questions about little space with as much nonchalance as he could, lying through his teeth about not needing his headspace often. Making them believe the long wait was normal. He responded to his apologies with easy smiles, hugging Changbin when his emotions got the best of him and broke down crying while trying to explain to him how he'll never hit Chan, promising that he'll research about his headspace to be better in the future. 

Chan laughed and hugged and played, he heard them and assured them and gave choppy explanations carefully crafted to satisfy their curiosity without actually giving something important away. Directed them to websites that didn't include information about regression happening due to trauma, managed to keep them from buying him stuff with a poorly excuse of him not needing special things while in headspace. Prevented them from calling him pet names by telling them to keep them to his little self, lying about hating them when he was big.

He spilled lie after lie, omission after omission, making the disgusting feeling of guilt grow with every passing day. He saw his members fall into the false sense of security he had created for himself, saw them not bat an eye when he came back to the dorm early in the morning, seemingly due to him falling asleep in the studio. It was a normal occurrence after all. Against what everyone was expecting, Chan was acting normal.

He was an expert at hiding, after all.

Chan kept a yellow blanket at the studio. Having been there for long enough that neither Changbin nor Jisung found it out of place, and if someone external to their little group of three happened to visit and ask about it, they'll shrug and joke about it. Jisung used it in those early mornings or late nights of hard work, curled himself up on the couch while he worked passionately in writing lyrics; Changbin would sometimes use it as a weapon against teasing, or he would hide beneath it as a barrier to injustice. 

For Chan, it meant the possibility of burying himself in an ocean of softness in the nights he was at the studio alone. 

Once a week, Chan would send a message to the group chat saying he wouldn't be able to make it home early that day. He made sure to not keep a pattern that would be obvious to the rest of them, choosing a day at random for him to regress safely. His habit of staying up late and actually pulling all nighters to work on songs played in his favor, giving the illusion that Chan simply didn't stop working. 

On those nights, Chan had his black pacifier safely hidden in a special compartment he had painstakingly sewed to the inside of his bag. He would make sure to leave the dorm with a comfy pair of sweatpants and his favorite hoodie as an extra change, putting it on as soon as he was done with the gym. Once in the studio, after every last one of his members had left the building, Chan would put some cartoons on the big monitor and relax against the couch, curling up in a ball and letting himself slip. 

Sometimes, he regressed so far he woke up with his sweatpants clinging uncomfortably wet to his legs. On those days, he held back tears and got to the job of stripping himself down, getting out the packet of wipes from his bag to clean himself up, putting back on his gym clothes with a grimace. He made a bundle with the blanket and the soaked clothes, cleaned the search history of his laptop, and headed out to find a public laundry.

Sometimes, he wasn't able to hold back the tears. Sometimes, he didn't snap out of headspace after waking up. Sometimes, he called out for someone to help him.

Chan believed that, even with the current circumstances, he was doing pretty good. He kept a good pace at producing music, his position as a leader hadn't been compromised, his headspace remained something only he had knowledge of — to some extent—, and his boys were happy. It was okay as long as he could keep the façade up.

He should've known that he wouldn't fool Minho.

Two months had passed since the incident. No one asked if he felt like regressing anymore, used to Chan's practiced explanations and excuses. They didn't know what to look out for, didn't know how it looked when Chan was falling in to his headspace in a calm and relaxed way, even if they exchanged knowing looks every time he would annoy Changbin with baby talk, as if now they were included in a secret code they used to be oblivious to. 

Chan let them be. It wasn't as if he hid his tells, he didn't consciously stop himself when he ran his thumb through his lower lip, he still showed his frustration over minimal things when doing them became harder. His members were just too used to them to think of it as something to look for. He kept the feeling of normalcy, even if everytime one of them pulled him to cuddle and made him the little spoon, his heart pounded in his chest and his mind fogged on the edges. 

He had been doing good with his time at the studio, however, he started missing the stuff he hid around the dorm and all the stuffed animals he could steal for a short moment. He had been waiting for the dorm to be empty and grab his chance, his only problem being that coordinating a schedule with seven people was a little impossible. 

It wasn't until a Saturday afternoon that Chan woke up to complete silence. A giddy feeling crawled up his throat once the realization sunk in, he didn't let it linger, he wouldn't allow himself to hope for something he wasn't sure he could have. 

Before getting up and checking the room, he grabbed his phone and read his messages with the nerves making his hands shake. He had several notifications for their group chat, filled with messages about each and every one of them going out for the day and not being for a few hours. He had the dorm for himself until eight pm.

Chan got to work quickly. He took a short shower before eating whatever leftovers he could find that were easy to heat, not bothering with washing the dishes after he was done. When he entered his room again, he stood still for a second, centering himself and taking a moment to take a deep breath. He couldn't slip before he had his things ready. 

When the foggy feeling decreased, he made his bed and started placing everything he was going to need on top of it. Starting from his pacifier, his phone with an alarm programmed to sound at seven pm, and one of Felix's plushies— a green dinosaur Chan had named Bubbles—; he moved on to the little bookshelf he had beside the bunk bed and rummaged until the end of it, where he took hold of his sticker book and the sticker sheets he had been slowly buying for this exact moment. 

He couldn't help the excited shriek that left his lips. The mere sight of his beloved stickers brought him to the edge of slipping so he got up fast, putting the items on top of his bed before he climbed up the ladder and settled. With a sigh of relief, he pushed the pacifier in his mouth and let go. 

For the next few hours, Chan spent his time dutifully filling his book with his new stickers, playing with Bubbles and babbling all kinds of stories to his plushie. He told tales about dragons and princesses, about aliens and planets far away. He thought about getting off his bed to get more stuffed animals to complement his stories, but the floor seemed far away and Chan was scared of falling. When he grew bored of the same thing, he fiddled with his phone to play some cartoons, having had the sense to keep his playlist within easy reach.

Once he was satisfied, he turned back to his sticker book to stick the remaining ones, knowing his time was short and wanting to make his book as pretty as he could before his Hyungs came back. He was so entranced with his task he didn't notice he wasn't alone in the dorm anymore until it was too late.

The door swung open, making Chan startle badly and let out an involuntary whimper. When he looked up Minho was staring back at him with a shocked expression, Chan was quick to spit the pacifier out of his mouth and slam the sticker book closed and away from him. 

There was no way he could hide what he was doing, the whole evidence was in front of him and Minho had already seen him with the pacifier in his mouth. After all the effort he put into not being found out, here he was, with Minho walking to the edge of the bunk bed to stare at him. He couldn't tear his eyes away from his lap, embarrassed more than afraid now that he was out of headspace.

"Hi, baby. Why didn't you come to one of us?" Minho's voice was soft, as if he was talking to a cornered animal or, he supposed, a scared kid.

Chan cringed. Minho had assumed he was still little. An easy mistake, given his current situation. He lifted his head to look at Minho, watching the other's realization as soon as they made eye contact.

"I'm not… Did you need something?" There was a sticky feeling pressing heavily against his chest. He ignored it. He needed to stay focused to get out of this situation as soon as possible, his Little self reacting to the soft words could wait.

"I left the kids downstairs waiting for us, we're going to go out for dinner so I'm here to get you, but..." Minho bit his lip, considering Chan and his current predicament "I think it's better if we stay here, we'll order some takeout instead."

Chan's heart sank. That's the opposite of what he wanted to happen, he didn't want to intrude with their plans and appear as some inconvenience that had to be taken care of. This was exactly what he had been trying to avoid.

"You don't have to… you can go without me, I'll be fine." He tried to sound convincing. It wasn't a total lie, he had been fine regressing by himself, even if the feeling of loneliness was becoming more of a common occurrence.  

He knew Minho wasn't convinced by the way he was assessing him, "Listen, I can tell the others to go ahead without us if that's what you want, but I'm not leaving you alone no matter what you tell me." Chan knew that changing his mind would be more suspicious, but at this point it was the only thing he had left. So he tried anyway.

"No, you know what? I'll get ready and we can go eat. I didn't mean to regress, I can tell you guys all about it later, it can happen involuntarily too." As if on cue, the alarm on his phone started to ring. Chan closed his eyes.

"Is that why you put an alarm, then? I don't believe you, Hyung." He didn't say it with malice, but it made the knot in Chan's stomach tighten.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, Minho just sighed and gripped the rail of his bed.

"Hyung, I know you've been hiding from us since… since you regressed around us for the first time. I was waiting for you to come to us once you realized we're willing to try and learn. Obviously, I shouldn't have waited so long," the sadness in Minho's voice made Chan's heart twist with guilt, "I've paid attention to you and I know that when you get that far away look in your eyes, you stay at the studio and don't come back to the dorm until it's really late at night. Seungmin has a hunch too, but he hasn't put the pieces together. Please, Hyung, just let us take care of you. I promise it'll be fine." 

"But the others might not like it."

"We have a group chat, Hyung," he said bluntly, "We talk about you and all the things we can do when you finally regress, to not mess it up as badly as we did the last time. The kids are very enthusiastic about it and we discussed the possibility of having a group conservation with you, so you can guide us better. We didn't know how to tell you without sounding demanding or making you nervous."

"I'm sorr-"

"If you say you're sorry one more time I'll go up there myself and tell you exactly what you can do with your apologies," he wasn't actually angry, not when he said those words with a tender smile. Chan knew he was only joking and the fact that Minho still felt comfortable enough to do so made him smile too. "Seriously, Hyung, you've done nothing wrong. Now get down so I can hug you"

"What about-" he said while eyeing the door, a hint of insecurity making itself known in his voice.

"They'll realize I'm not coming back eventually," Minho waved him off, he then made grabby hands at Chan, "Come on." Reluctantly, Chan got down from his bed, being embraced in a hug as soon as he was steady on the ground. 

"Are you sure that-"

"Yes, Chan, I'm sure." The lack of honorifics made Chan feel fuzzy. Minho pulled off to look at Chan, keeping his arms wrapped around his shoulders, a soft expression that was rare to see on him overtaking his eyes, "I want to take care of my baby, okay? My special, beautiful baby boy, whom I love very much." 

Chan blushed high on his cheeks, giggling slightly as his headspace took over with every word Minho said. It didn't help that Minho decided to start peppering kisses against his cheeks, even blowing a raspberry that made Chan break down in giggles. Finally, he threw himself at Minho's arms and nuzzled his cheek against his Hyung's shoulder, letting out a content sigh.

"There you are, sweetheart. Hyung missed you so much." Chan responded with a barely there hum and started to mouth at Minho's shirt absentmindedly.

Minho catched up quickly, and shifted Chan away from his shirt, shushing him when he started to whine. "How about we sit down on the floor, hmm? I'll get you your paci."

Minho let go momentarily of Chan while he searched around the bed, in the meantime, Chan lowered himself slowly to wait for his Hyung. He was a good boy after all, he could wait for him patiently. Minho emerged with his sticker book, his paci and Felix's plushie, Chan gasped at the sight of it. 

"Hyungie! Hyungie! You go' to meet Bubbles!" He said, as he crawled in Minho's direction to take the plushie, pacifier now forgotten "He's my best friend in…! in the world!" 

"Is that so, baby?" Chan nodded rapidly, quickly taking a spot beside Minho once the boy sat down, "Why don't you introduce us then?" 

Chan did just that, explaining to Minho all the adventures he had with Bubbles and the stories they told together. At some point, between his tale about a pirate, Minho pulled Chan to sit between his legs, hugging him around the waist and watching the little play with the stuffed animal from above his shoulder. 

It didn't take long for Chan to start hearing people entering the dorm, making him tense up in his place between Minho's legs. He stopped playing with Bubbles and instead brought it against his chest, holding on tight. 

"It's okay, sweetheart, it's just your Hyungs." Said Minho, rubbing Chan's sides soothingly. 

Chan didn't feel too reassured, reaching for his pacifier still being cradled in Minho's hand. His Hyung let him and when the door slammed open for the second time that night, Chan flinched and quickly hid against Minho's neck, desperately holding on to his shirt. 

"Hyung, what the f…!" Jisung cut himself up and froze with a hand on the doorknob, looking at Chan with wide eyes. Chan whimpered and pressed himself closer to Minho. 

"Hello Jisung, hasn't anyone told you it's rude to not knock?" Said Minho, unfazed. Jisung sputtered.

"How was I supposed to know?!" He yelled, "You didn't answer our texts and-," Chan didn't like how upset Jisung sounded, his voice carrying an edge that he only knew to associate with bad things. He didn't mean to start crying and, as quiet as he was trying to be, Minho still noticed by his shirt becoming wet. 

"Jisung, please shut up" Minho's voice was gentle but firm, stopping Jisung in his rambling. Chan didn't want anyone but Minho to hear him cry, but the sudden silence made it hard to mask his quiet whimpers. 

"Fu- I mean, shi- sorry. I'll… go, yes. Sorry" Minho softly whipped Chan's tears away while Jisung stumbled over his words. 

"Can you order some takeout? I'll be out with Channie soon. And close the door." As soon as Jisung was out, Minho started rocking him from side to side.

"Oh, baby, your Hyung was really mean right now, huh? Yelling like that and being all scary. I promise he wasn't mad at you." He said as he caressed Chan's face.

The noise from outside the room suddenly stopped and Chan found he could breathe a little easier. The tension in his body slowly left as the silence combined with Minho's quiet reassurances engulfed him. He didn't like that he had caused problems. He had been doing so well for his Hyung, apparently it didn't take but a little noise to become a bother.

"I'm sowwy, Hyungie"

"You're okay, sweetheart," Chan pulled away from Minho, leaning into the hand the other pressed against his face. "Do you want to go out and see your Hyungs? We can wait here until you feel better or we can just stay here." 

Chan considered his words. Leaving the safety of his room scared him, facing his six Hyungs filled him with uncertainty and extremely conscious of his way of acting. Here, with Minho, he felt free. He felt like his Hyung would love him no matter what, like he could trust him to protect him if he needed it.

But, at the same time, he didn't want to hurt anyone by refusing to even say 'hello' to them. Minho had mentioned that everyone wanted to make an effort to meet him, right? Maybe he could try one more time, show his Hyungs he could be respectful and easy to be around.

"Hyungs… wan' to see Channie?"

"Of course, baby, they miss you as much as I did," Minho seemed to sense his hesitance, because he added "You can hold my hand and keep your paci, you can even bring Bubbles if you want, I'm sure Felix is going to be happy to see that you're friends." 

"They no mad?"

"Of course not, sweetheart. If anything happens, you can tell me anything, alright? I'll always be there for you" Chan hugged Minho again and nodded. He wanted to be carried, except the thought of asking Minho such a thing filled him with uncertainty. He probably was too heavy to be carried around anyway.

He pulled away on his own and stood on shaky legs, taking Minho's hand as support and holding Bubbles close to his chest. Chan took careful steps, looking at the ground the whole time and becoming more agitated as they got closer to the kitchen and the living room where everyone seemed to be. He didn't realize when Minho stopped walking and crashed against his back as a result. The stillness of the room was only partially interrupted by Chan sucking on his pacifier. 

When Chan peaked around Minho's back, he immediately zeroed in on Hyunjin and Felix sitting on the floor, already looking back at him with big smiles on their faces. 

"Hi, Channie! I see that you already made a friend, we bought more for you to meet!" Hyunjin signaled to the stuffed animals he and Felix were holding, a little teddy bear and a penguin, "We can all play together." 

Chan shifted his weight from one foot to another, considering his options and finally looking up at Minho for guidance. His Hyung responded easily to the tug of his hand, not waiting for Chan to ask anything and instead leading him across the room. 

Chan could tell that everyone was waiting for him to do something, with all the eyes in the room on him he didn't know what he was supposed to do. Should he take his paci out? Maybe the sucking sounds were getting too annoying; perhaps they were upset that he had ruined their dinner plans and Minho had lied to him to not make him feel bad.

Minho helped him sit down and promptly turned around to leave. Chan didn't want that. His hand shot out before he could think about it, grabbing Minho's and letting go just as quickly. Chan could feel his face starting to get hot, now his Hyungs would think he's clingy, piling up the long list of undesirable behaviors he had. 

"I'm so-"

"None of that, you didn't do anything wrong. I'll sit down with you, okay? We can play together and introduce Bubble to your Hyungs, what do you say?" Minho pulled Chan between his legs again as he sat, pressing a kiss to his cheek. Chan could still feel the stares of everyone and reached to fidget with Minho's fingers. He nodded at the question, "maybe you can even show them your sticker book later."

Chan perked up a little at that, looking at Hyunjin with wide eyes because of the words he uttered next, "I would love to see it, Channie, I even have some stickers you can add to your collection. We can put them together If you want"

"Yes!," He scrambled to say, blushing when he realized he had been too loud, "p'ease, Hyuni-'yungie" 

Hyunjin smiled at him, reaching to pinch his cheek and make him giggle quietly, wiggling against Minho's chest, "You're so cute, how about you introduce us to Bubbles now, hm? While we wait for our food to arrive, you must be so hungry."

Chan dislodged Bubbles from his chest and showed it to the room, quietly talking about him in a similar manner as he had done to Minho, except now he was aware of keeping most of his excitement to himself. No one seemed to mind and soon, he was playing with the other plushies too.

The conversation around him picked up and he could feel Minho's voice rumbling on his back, he didn't pay attention to what was being said, too preoccupied with his new friends. He was being good, he knew it by the gentle touches his Hyungs sometimes indulged in him. He wanted to keep being good for them.

Chan was getting frustrated with the chopsticks, they kept slipping from his grasp thanks to how hard it was to hold on to them properly. He kept looking sideways to try and copy what his Hyungs were doing, but all his attempts failed miserably. 

"Here, Channie, I'll help you" Jeongin took the chopsticks away from his hand and placed them down on the table.

Chan started fidgeting with his shirt while Jeongin started picking up food to give him. He felt useless. He liked when his Hyungs helped him with stuff, he liked being taken care of and feeling small beside them; right now, all he wanted was to prove to them they could trust him with simple tasks.

His eyes watered almost instantly, making Jeongin startled when he brought the chopsticks to Chan's mouth. "Hey, hey, why are you crying? What's wrong?" That only made Chan cry harder.

"I'm sowwy, 'yungie" he said between hiccups, rubbing his eyes with his fists.

"What are you sorry for baby?"

"I wan' be good boy," the clank of the chopsticks as they were dropped made Chan flinch. The silence was suffocating, making him squirm a little on his chair. He saw Jeongin pull his chair back and then reached out for Chan, patting his own thigh gently.

"Baby, Channie, you are a good boy. There's nothing wrong with needing help. Me and your Hyungs are glad to help you with anything you need, that's why we're here for you." He said, as he pulled Chan to sit on his leg, "We love you, baby."

"P'omise?"

"Yes, I promise." Jeongin leaned in and placed a kiss to Chan's forehead, his cheeks and finally his nose, making the little let out a timid and quiet giggle. He still felt guarded, expecting to be told off at any second. Yet, he basked on the affection and Jeongin's little attempts to converse with him.

He munched on his food obediently, opening his mouth when he was ready to be fed another bite. His Hyung looked at him with a smile so big it made his eyes crinkle at the sides and proceeded to grab little bits of chicken to give him. There was a warm feeling being spread all over Chan, he couldn't help but kick his legs a little under the table and return the smile his Hyung gave him. 

They went on like that, the conversation around them picking up again, until Chan's plate was empty. 

"Are you done, Channie?" Said Hyunjin from across the table, at Chan's enthusiastic nod, he added "Are you ready to show me your sticker book?"

Chan lit up, carefully lifting himself off Jeongin and bowing to him with his hands resting on his tummy, thanking him for helping him. He then turned to Hyunjin, blinking confusedly at how his smile had dropped from his face, until he remembered he hadn't asked for permission to leave. Hyunjin was probably upset because he had forgotten. He turned to look at Minho.

"Minmin-Hyungie, I go with Hyuni-Hyungie, okay?" 

"Of course, sweetheart, have fun." Chan bit his lip, wanting to give his Hyung a kiss like he had done with him so many times but deciding against it, he probably didn't want it anyway. 

Chan turned away to leave with Hyunjin, already waiting for him and holding Bubbles. Chan smiled and bowed to thank him before extending his hand to wait for Hyunjin to relent the plushie. Once in his grasp, he realized he had forgotten his manners again, and turned to the dinner table. 

"Thank you for the meal, Hyungies." A third bow and Chan was on his way to show Hyunjin his stickers.

He didn't grab his hand and the lack of security while walking made Chan afraid of falling. He managed to make it to his room without incident, idly mouthing at Bubbles while he grabbed his book and waited for Hyunjin to be back with the new stickers.

When he came back, he immediately said "No, baby, don't do that." Hyunjin removed Bubbles from his mouth and frowned, "I'll go get your paci. Wait here." 

Chan hung his head, running his fingers through Bubbles. He couldn't do anything right, no matter how hard he tried, there was always something one of his Hyungs had to intervene with. Always having to fix Chan's messes and putting up with his incessant needs. 

Hyunjin returned and promptly stuck the pacifier in Chan's mouth. He expected to be scolded because of his carelessness, but Hyunjin only caressed his cheek.

"'Yungie no mad?" His talking a little choppy around the pacifier 

"Of course not! How could I be mad when you are so cute!" Chan blushed and obeyed when Hyunjin patted the space next to him, "Now come here, show me your sticker book" 

Chan started babbling about all his stickers, explaining the way he had organized them and pointing to all his favorite ones. Before he could show his favorite page in the book, he went to a blank page and started sticking in the stickers Hyunjin had brought for him. Finally, he searched for the aforementioned page and said with a tiny voice.

"This p'incess" Hyunjin awed at the Disney princesses stickers, Chan fidgeted a little, afraid of the response he might get. He would hate if his Hyung told him to get rid of the whole page.

"Do you like princesses, baby?" At Chan's tiny nod, Hyunjin asked, "Which one is your favorite?" 

Chan gasped, making the pacifier fall, quickly pointing at the Moana picture, "We can watch the movie, if you want?"

Chan whipped around to look at Hyunjin open mouthed, an incredulous smile slowly taking into his features. He couldn't control his excitement, his voice came out loud and high pitched.

"Really?! We can?!" He placed his hands against Hyunjin's shoulders, before he caught himself and spoke in a more subdued way, "Hyung watch with me?" 

"Of course, baby, do you want me to get the other Hyungs too?" Chan couldn't control his happiness. The giddy feeling completely overtook him.

"All?! Watch p'incess with Channie?! Really Hyungie?!" 

"Yes! Let's go ask them." Hyunjin held his hand and led him in search for his Hyungs. He openly giggled.

Chan had never felt so happy. He giggled and danced and laughed at the movie, sometimes turning around with a shy look to tug at someone's clothes to get their attention and speak timid words about how much he loved it.

By half way through the movie, Chan's excitement turned out to be contagious, he had successfully roped Jeongin and Jisung into his games and had both of them playing along with his singing and clapping. Jeongin would sometimes grab Chan mid dance and pull him against him, aggressively kissing his cheeks and squishing his sides, making Chan shriek with delight and let playful whines of wanting to be released. When Jeongin relented, Jisung would be right beside them to take over and engulf Chan in a hug of his own, claiming that he needed to kiss his baby too. 

To say Chan was content was an understatement. For once, he wasn't worrying about being too loud and bothering his Hyungs, they seemed to be having fun too and he hadn't been told off, not when he started quietly singing with the first song or when he latched onto Felix's leg while pointing at the screen. He avoided looking at Changbin, but he could hear his delighted laugh from time to time and it helped him to be at ease.

He felt happy and giddy when he turned away from the screen to see his Hyungs smiling at him, almost as if they were encouraging him. It was like getting the acceptance he had been working to get. 

When the last minutes of the movie rolled around, Chan's blinks became slower and he rubbed constantly at his eyes with a fist. He wanted to cuddle with someone, but he knew he could get clingy when sleepy and maybe his Hyungs were expecting him to put himself to bed. He said nothing. Surely he had reached his daily quota of affection already and he was fine with that, he had fun while it lasted and he treasured every second of it.

He saw his Hyungs beginning to get up, stretching with low groans and lazy smiles on their faces. Chan wasn't expecting for Changbin to crush down in front of him and plant a gentle kiss against his forehead, gently running a hand against his hair. He was more surprised when the other presented him with his pacifier, softly probing him to take it in his mouth. Chan didn't hesitate and immediately relaxed as he started to suck on the soother. He hesitantly reached forward, watching his Hyung's every move to test if what he was doing was right and found himself with Changbin already looking back at him, tender eyes following his every move. 

"Hey, kiddo, did you have a good time today?" Chan nodded, finally resting his head against Changbin's shoulder and nuzzling slightly before pulling away. 

Chan still felt unsure in the amount of affection and physical contact he could get away with. Throughout the day, everyone kept on dotting on him, even when he proved to be a nuisance all of them had to take care of. He didn't understand the abrupt change from the last time he was regressed.

Changbin got up with a last kiss to his hairline. Chan looked up from his sitting position, lifting a fist to rub at his eyes, watching as everyone passed beside him and gave him little head rubs. His heart flipped with every touch. Finally, Minho stood in front of him, looking down at Chan and cooing slightly.

"Come on, sleepyhead, it's time to go to bed." Minho extended an open hand in his direction, patiently waiting for Chan to take it.

He watched, in quiet disbelief. Tentatively, he accepted the help, letting Minho get him to his feet. He softly rested against the other, wrapping his arms around his neck and nuzzling Minho's cheek with his nose. 

Suddenly, he was being lifted off the floor. Chan was quick to wrap his legs around Minho, pulling off to look at him in disbelief. His Hyung only looked at him back, a smile ever present. Chan blinked and smiled back, hugging Minho tight and relaxing against his chest.

He heard the others mutter something around him, even felt a tender kiss on his cheek and, when he opened his eyes, found Seungmin waving at him. Chan waved back lazily and let out a sound of contentment. Minho took him to get his teeth brushed and helped him all the way through, cooing and praising him for being good. When they made it to Chan's room, Minho laid him on Felix's bed and got him into his pajamas. Once he was done, he tucked him into the bed and laid beside Chan, letting him borrow against his side and petting his hair. 

"I 'wove you, Hyungie" Chan exhaled a sigh of contentment and relaxed completely against Minho's chest. Softly sucking on his paci, feeling safe.

"I love you too, sweetheart." 

The next day found the eight of them sitting in the living room, Chan being the center of attention since he first entered the room and sat down, unable to meet anyone's gaze. He felt the tense atmosphere begging to weigh down on him. They had a nice day yesterday, after all, even if the doubt and shame still lingered in Chan's mind. 

Chan took a deep breath and decided to get this over with. "Minho told me you lot have a group chat about me."

Everyone whipped their heads to glare at Minho, as if they had been betrayed by that admission. Chan lifted his hands in a placating manner and said, "I don't blame you guys, I… I hid a lot of things from you these past couple of months. I don't really know where to start with this, so I'd appreciate it if you could directly ask me what you don't understand."

"I think you should start by telling us about what you hid from us, Hyung." Seungmin had a point, and by the way everyone stared back at Chan, they agreed. Fair.

"Alright. I, uh- when we… talked the first time I was telling you that Little Space can happen because of stress, right?" He was met with affirmatives, the next words scratched at his throat and pained him all the way through "Well… there's a second reason, it… it can also happen because of trauma." 

The words took a few second to hit, Jisung looked like he was going to be sick, "Hyung, don't tell me that-" 

"I didn't have the best childhood." Everyone was shocked, he couldn't blame them. His relationship with his parents had gotten better over the years, even if the memories of their neglect didn't disappear, "It's alright. I just… Well, I know I act weird while in headspace, even if the memories are a little blurry. My behavior is directly influenced by what I went through when I was a toddler, that's why I might seem like I go from calm to distressed in a matter of seconds."

"It's not weird. We figured you are sensitive to loud sounds but we didn't exactly know to what extent." Said Seungmin, the only one who seemed to be keeping a cool head while Chan talked. The others didn't look as composed. Except Minho, who was masking his expressions again.

"Yes, that's another thing I ignored to tell you." Chan had gotten into professional mode, the explanations flowing out of him like everytime he helped to settle a disagreement, "There are some ways that my headspace can be triggered, they're all mainly tied to me mentally going back to how things used to be around my house, meaning that screams, threats, insults or loud noises could unexpectedly make me regress."

He saw how his members' faces got paler as he kept on talking. He had managed to partially detach himself from the situation, talking easily about the abuse he went through as if it wasn't his own.

"Why didn't you tell us all of this the first time?" Changbin sounded choked up. Chan felt guilty all over again, he knew how sensitive the boy was about hurting people and he still did nothing to resolve the situation.

"We didn't have the best experience that first time, did we? Even if you all managed to calm me down and partially got things to not end in a harsher way, I still woke up feeling the sequels of what had happened and I… I simply shut down." He sighed, avoiding everyone's glances, "Right now, I feel invincible. I'm talking to you more freely than I've done for the past two months, this is a sign enough to clue you how well last night made me feel." 

"What do you mean 'not in a harsher way'?!" Changbin exploded, "You fell asleep hidden in a tiny space! Minho Hyung had to hold you while I moved the dresser to get you out and not risk you waking up! You were so- so afraid of us, of me ! How can that get any worse?!"

"Hopefully, you'll never have to find out," he didn't want to scare them by saying something so vague, but he wasn't so keen on sharing all the things that happened in his childhood. Still, none of them seemed to be satisfied with that answer, "Listen, being Little is an important part of my life, it helps me deal with all those things I can't really forget and it makes me feel… freer, in a way. Whatever happened to me all those years ago, I can't do anything about that but learn to live with it in a healthy way. I've worked it out with my parents and Little Space is a way to work it out with myself."

"What I'm trying to say is… What happened that night wasn't right, we all know that, but in the end it was a learning experience for all of us. This process isn't going to go smoothly, I'm basically a child that came into your lives unprompted, of course it's not going to be easy. But I forgive you, all of you, you've shown me since then that you're willing to try and to know me and, honestly, that's enough for me."

Changbin was looking a little teary eyed, obviously holding off on breaking down because of the ones who were actually crying. Chan didn't intend to make them all so emotional, Felix was dabbing at his tears silently next to him, while Jisung was straight up sobbing, resting his head on Jeongin's shoulder. 

Chan smiled softly, "Everything will be fine, boys, I'll make sure to talk to you from now on. No more secrets, I'll answer you whatever you want." 

They repeated questions Chan had answered before, only that now he did it truthfully and without hiding the parts that he found embarrassing. They all seemed utterly and deeply honest in their curiosity, Chan couldn't deny them this anymore.

He managed to calm down the flustered feeling that had taken root on his ears. All his attempts at a mature conversation died with Jisung's next question.

"Can you show us the store where you bought your paci? I want to buy you stuff, Hyung" 

"I… yeah, of course," the hot feeling returned to his face, so much for killing off the embarrassment, "Just… please don't buy anything that would make me regress too young, like rattles or a teether, I don't think I'm ready for that yet." 

He felt how everyone perked up at that, "I thought your age is supposed to be consistent, Hyung." said Seungmin. He had been fearing this exact conversation.

"Not… really," he closed his eyes, clenching his hands on a fist against his lap, "Sometimes I go too young. Young enough that I can't even talk or walk or… I have accidents ." 

Felix, bless his soul, looked at his distress without understanding, "What do you mean with accidents?"

"He means he needs to wear a pull-up or diaper." Minho sounded unbothered by it, making it sound completely normal. 

Chan wished he could be as calm as him. He was sure his blush had traveled all the way down to his neck. Damn Minho, he had probably researched deeper than Chan had allowed, he was the only one who didn't look surprised at all by everything that Chan had said. If only, he looked relieved.

Hyunjin was the next one to make an observation that didn't exactly sit well with Chan, "You have experienced going younger before." A statement, not a question.

"I… yeah," he tugged at his ears,"I know it wouldn't be ideal, it's different to take care of a toddler than a baby . I understand if the idea doesn't sit well with you all and it's more responsibility that I would ever make you take." 

"I think we need to spend more time getting to know you before letting you regress to the age of a baby. I know it's not ideal! But it wouldn't be fair to you if we couldn't take care of you properly because of our lack of experience. We need to get your trust first." Chan felt like a weight was taken off his shoulders are Hyunjin's words. He could deal with the prospect of regressing to a younger headspace when the time came.

"What happened when you went so young and you were alone? That must have been horrible, Hyung." Concern bled in Changbin's voice.

"It was alright, nothing I couldn't handle" an understatement, and the others seemed to tell Chan wasn't telling them the whole truth. They didn't push him into saying it.

Chan slumped back into the couch, melting against the cushions and letting out a sigh, feeling relaxed outside of his headspace for the first time in two months. 

"Stop with the long faces, I forgave you all already and part of this mess is my fault. I promise to answer your questions truthfully from now on," he smiled, wide and honest, "I can't say that's it's all going to be smooth sailing from now one. I can't promise you I'll stop being afraid of you while in little space, that's something you all should work on when given the chance, but me being more at ease with all of you while big will certainly help when I'm regressed."

"You looked pretty comfy with Minho-Hyung, though." Jeongin, the absolute menace, smirked at him.

Chan tried to fight it. It was only a matter of time before everyone was teasing him because of the red coating his ears. Minho wore his practiced blank face, effectively hiding whatever he may be feeling. 

"That's because of all those messages he sent about-"

"I'll shove the whole box of tissues down your throat, Hwang Hyunjin, don't test me."

All of them except Minho and Chan started laughing, making Chan feel like he was missing a larger part of the conversation. He must be, if they're talking about something specific that happened in the group chat where he's not included. Chan smiled awkwardly and rubbed a hand behind his neck, catching Minho's eyes from across the room. 

"What messages?" 

"I wanted to wait longer before I asked you, clearly I can't trust these idiots to keep a secret." Minho signaled to everyone sitting around them. They didn't look apologetic.

"You don't have to-"

"It's fine, Hyung. Felix, get up, I'll change you," Minho switched sitting places with Felix, immediately turning around to look at Chan and ignoring the excited shrieks of the others, "I want to be your caregiver. I know that-"

Chan's whole world stopped. He knew that his regression age made it preferable for him to have a caregiver, especially when he couldn't look after himself, but he had read and seen so many people giving advice on how to fend if he lacked one. He had learned and accepted that he would never have a caregiver. It was fine. Perhaps a little lonely at times, yet the possibility of one was never available. 

Now, Minho was in front of him, talking with a sincere expression in his eyes while he sneaked a hand to hold onto Chan. He wasn't hearing a single word, his mind a constant loop of that confession.

Minho wanted to be his caregiver. 

His heart soared. 

"You really want to?" He interrupted, trying to keep the overflowing of sentiments away from his voice, "After everything?" 

"Yes, Hyung, that's why I asked in the first place." 

"We'll show you all the messages of Minho-Hyung gushing about you in little space, if that helps you believe him."

Minho looked ready to murder Seungmin. Chan intervened, "We'll have to wait and see what I think about it the next time I regress. I…," his voice got choked up, changing the mood immediately, "thank you. For wanting to be my caregiver. For all of you accepting me yesterday, for listening to me today. I'm r-really thankful" 

He was getting worked up again, now for completely different reasons than before. This wasn't embarrassment or fear, the tears that cascaded down his face were happiness and relief all the way through. They accompanied his laugh when everyone started to pile themselves up against Chan, offering words of comfort and reassurance, making the somewhat calmness of his tears transform into sobs.

"Love you, Hyung"

"I love you too, my boys"

He let himself enjoy the warmth of their hugs. He was allowing himself to be . For the first time, he felt at ease.