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Sometimes Caleb has good days and bad days. The good days are great. He feels on top of the world and he feels like he can do anything that he puts his mind to. He helps people with whatever they need. Talks to his family and just lives.
But then there are the bad days. Days where he can't bring himself to move from his bed or speak to anyone. Days where his chest feels tight, and everything aches like he's been hung up for days being tortured. There are days where he feels helplessly trapped and he half expects his captors to walk into the room to hurt him some more.
The number of bad days he has had started to lessen with time, something he's extremely grateful for and he works on getting better. On being able to hear fireworks pop and rockets explode, and not feeling like he needs to run for cover or stab the nearest person to him.
Hope County destroys all of his hard-earned progress in a matter of days.
Every day in Hope County is technically a bad one, even if he does good things like saving people or destroying cult properties. There’s still the sound of gunfire everywhere he goes, and the occasional explosion has him flinching, even if he causes them most the time. He has no time to dwell on it though, people need saving and he's the only one around to do it, so he pushes those feelings down and away. He refuses to deal with them because people need him.
However, even the Deputy has his limits and sometimes, the cap just doesn’t fit on top of the bottle anymore.
He's curled up in a bed in a cabin in the Whitetails, face pressed against Boomer's flank as he gasps desperately like he’s drowning. He's incredibly grateful for the animal's patience and he needs to get him a treat when he can stand to think but for now, all the blond can do is just to try to focus on the dog's breathing to ground himself. He focuses on Boomer because there's no way his torturers would bring a fucking dog in here and he wasn't here anyway. Or rather, there. He's in Hope County, fighting for his fucking life instead of being in Iraq and also fighting for his life. Same difference.
A sob wracks his body as he curls even tighter into himself, Boomer letting out a sad whine and licking at his face to try and make him feel better. He doesn’t deserve Boomer. Boomer’s such a good boy. Humans don’t deserve the wonderous beings that are dogs.
He can faintly hear the static of his radio, the Sheriff's voice coming over the line, calling for him before he blindly reaches for the radio and presses the button down. He knows he should think about this. Think about his words before he ruins everything, but he can't bring himself to even entertain the idea.
"I’m afraid I can’t right now, sir. Having a hard time trying to remember I'm not being tortured in Iraq. Just bein’ tortured in Hope County instead." A strangled laugh escapes him. He’s pretty sure he meant for it to be a joke but it’s sort of the truth.
There's silence for a while and eventually, the Sheriff's voice comes across the line, sympathetic and Caleb feels worse for spilling his guts like that. He should have just said it was a bad day. Pointing out he can’t handle his past isn’t fair to other people. They don’t deserve to deal with his fucked-up trauma.
"Do you want someone with you? I'll field your responsibilities for now, alright? Take all the time you need, Rook."
He shakes his head even if the Sheriff can't see him and he feels like he's breaking. He feels like he's let them all down. All the people who need him, who are relying on him to save them from Eden's Gate are just waiting. Waiting on him to pull himself together but he just can't and it settles on his chest like the car he was trapped under for hours. He just can't muster the strength to force the broken pieces of himself back together and he feels so guilty for it.
He manages a weak ‘I’m good’ to Whitehorse and he doesn’t even sound convincing to himself, let alone to the Sheriff but the man blessedly leaves it alone.
A heaving sob leaves him before he can tamp it down, and he nuzzles into Boomer to try and stop himself remembering. There are echoes of angrily yelled Arabic sounding in his ears and he shudders, half expecting the pain that came with it.
He startles when the radio sounds again, but instead of the Sheriff's voice, it's Jacob's low timbre.
"You feeling okay there Deputy?"
He's confused as to why Jacob Seed, of all people, is calling him. Caleb’s pretty sure Jacob hates him. The man's gruff, emotionless, and Caleb tends to avoid him like a plague. Jacob makes him nervous and sets his teeth on edge. He's very much tried his best to avoid the man after their last ‘get together' and has been doing well so far. Although having a breakdown in his region is probably not the best idea. The man can get the jump on him right now and Caleb is in no state to fight anyone off. Not coherently at least.
He's worried if he does fight someone, he'll end up fighting like his life depends on it, but not in the way that they'd be thinking. He'll fight like he has to get away from them before they electrocute him again or like he'll die in some random house in Iraq and never be found. He’ll fight like an animal and someone’s going to get mauled to death when they at least deserve the decency of a clean death. Not that some of his friends had gotten that anyway.
He shakes his head to try and dislodge the thoughts as he reaches for the radio absentmindedly and he's speaking before he can realise it and stop himself.
"Depends, are ya gonna come and kick my ass, sir?"
It slips out of him before he can stop it and his face flushes with embarrassment. God just kill him now. He can hear the hint of amusement in the other's voice when he finally speaks but he doesn't mention the slip up outright. Caleb is surprisingly glad that Jacob’s offered him that much.
"Depends, soldier, do I need to drop by and kick your ass?"
"Honestly, I don't think I'm in any right state to fight right now. Havin’ trouble focusin’."
He laughs bitterly and hopes that Jacob doesn't decide to take advantage of him being out of sorts.
"Oh yeah? What are you thinking about? Heard your little conversation with the Sheriff."
"Oh shit, ya did?"
"You did it on the public frequency, pup."
"Oh. Whoops." Now all of Hope County knows he’s fucked in the head. Damn. He’ll have to do some damage control later.
Jacob makes a non-committal noise of agreement before he speaks "So? What's got you in a state then?"
"Oh right. Um, thinking ‘bout Iraq. When I was there, I mean. Not thinkin’ about it just for funsies."
There's silence for a while and Caleb is worried that he's somehow offended Jacob by bringing up his time in the army. He’s aware the man had at least been in the Army himself too. Eventually, the radio crackles again.
"What happened?"
"I bet ya already know, don't ya? Bet Johnny's got it all written down somewhere. Y’all probably know what happened to me better than I do. Can’t remember some of it. Was either stuck under a car or gettin’ tortured, ya know?"
"He has some of it but not the whole story. I want to hear it from you. Not some document."
"Oh."
He trails off and tries to work out if he can actually talk about what happened in Iraq with Jacob. If anyone understands what it's like, it's certainly him but he doesn't know if it'll give the man ammo to use against him when he gets caught next.
Eventually, a sigh leaves the blond and he speaks.
"Got… Caught in a VIED blast. We were doin’ a patrol, just normal as usual and we drove past so many cars each an' every time we did one. And ya just don't expect it, ya know? Cars just look like cars but… One was rigged. Bomber probably watched from far away and set it off right as we got next to it. Our vehicle flipped and I got trapped underneath. Others got thrown out. I can't even remember how but I got burnt. I mean, I guess probably the explosion but honestly, I can't even remember. Just remember heat, metal an’ hurting a whole fuckin’ lot. And that it was real hard to breathe with all that metal on my chest." A weak laugh escapes him as he presses his forehead against Boomer.
"I don't know how long I was under there. I just kept wonderin’ if I was gonna die there, ya know? Just on some dirt road in Iraq, with my squad dead or dyin’ around me and nothin’ I could do about it. And… I was just laid there wonderin’ if I was gonna ever actually see anyone I knew ever again."
"Eventually I got pulled out. I thought it was back-up coming to help us. Guess what? I was wrong. Got captured and tortured for a few months. I think it was a couple months. Felt like years though. I uh… I don't remember much of it sometimes. Or I try not to. When I think on it I uh… Well, I'm sure ya know."
Jacob makes a small noise of agreement and Caleb is quiet for a while before speaks up again.
"It's why… It's why John don't scare me that much. Cause like… I've been tortured before and no offense to your brother but he ain't exactly intimidating with his. For me, it's old news. Getting electrocuted or your fingernails pulled out is kinda scarier and a lot worse than your brother spoutin' shit at me and tryna drown me like I ain’t already had it happen. Don’t like the hoods he gets his boys to put over our faces when he takes us though. That… That ain’t a good time. It’s hard to focus when that happens though I bet your brother would be real pissed to learn I ain’t been payin’ that much attention to his little speeches."
Jacob chuckles quietly “He’ll get over it, don’t worry.”
Caleb laughs again before he speaks, voice growing slow and nervous "You’re… You’re a whole ‘nother story though. We know the kinda shit we both seen out there and I ain’t exactly thrilled we got that in common. Or that you got that advantage since I can’t tell what the fuck you’re thinkin’ half the time. I don’t like it.”
“I’m unpredictable is what you mean.”
“Yessir, and we both know why that’s a bad thing.”
“True. But you’re unpredictable too, Deputy.”
He laughs “You sure about that? I feel like you’re gonna know what I’m doin’ before even I know what the hell I’m doing. I ain’t had much of a plan this entire fuckin’ time.”
Jacob hums quietly down the line before he speaks “I’ll agree it’s a bad idea to have no plan but you’re stronger than most for surviving without one. Most would have died, even with a step-by-step plan. Most would have died back in Iraq too."
Caleb is quiet and somewhat stunned at the compliment. Did Jacob really just compliment him? While simultaneously insulting countless other people? Though, then again, that seems like it’d be normal for the eldest Seed.
He decides to just not acknowledge it although he’s sure Jacob will be able to tell he’s thinking about it.
“It ain’t exactly hard to avoid gettin’ shot in the face.”
“Oh, you’d be quite surprised, Deputy.”
“Oh.” He feels bad about that. Right… Some people hadn’t had to go through the training they did. That was why he had done it in the first place. So other people wouldn’t have to fight themselves. He’d wanted to protect people. But a lot of people had gotten hurt during his time here anyway.
Both fall silent but Caleb finds it’s an oddly comfortable one. He doesn’t feel the need to be nervous like he’s waiting for Jacob to make a move and try to kill him or something. Just… Two dudes sitting in silence. It’s a nice change.
He breathes slow, smiling softly when Boomer begins to wriggle so he can get on his back to ask for belly rubs, and he gladly gives the dog the affection he deserves. The blond is quiet before he eventually speaks “What about you?”
“What about me, pup?”
“What happened with you. In the army.”
Jacob falls silent and Caleb instantly feels like he’s stepped over the line. He tries to back up and desperately salvage whatever the hell this is, just so Jacob doesn’t feel the need to come find him and beat him to death with the nearest rock or something.
He speaks quickly and apologetically, “Ya don’t have to talk about it if ya don’t want to. Just thought I’d offer. Since… Ya listened to me. And I hope ya not going to do anything shitty with that info. Or I might seriously have to come to kick your ass because that’d be a low blow, even for an insane Jesus cult.”
There’s a mild sound of disapproval at the way he’s referred to Eden’s Gate but otherwise, Jacob doesn’t scold him for it. He’s quiet before he speaks “It was… Rough.”
Caleb waits patiently, focusing on running his fingers through Boomer’s fur and quietly letting Jacob get his thoughts together. Jacob had given him the same courtesy, so it was only fair he gave it back. He perks up when the man begins to speak though, intrigued to exactly what he has to say.
“Me and… A squadmate of mine were shot down. 200 clicks to the nearest base. We got lost for days. Had low rations and well... Miller just didn’t make it.” He trails off and Caleb realises how ridiculously tense he is. Jacob hasn’t said much, and Caleb gets the feeling there’s more to the story, but he doesn’t push. Everyone needs time to tell their stories of war and he won’t force Jacob. He can’t imagine what it must have been like watching the only other person with you, die.
“I’m sorry. That was… It was probably brutal. It’s… It’s rough losin’ squad members.”
“I suppose but you have to make your peace with it. Can’t let it drag you down.”
“I guess but it ain’t exactly nice to just leave their memories in the dirt back there. They were people. People we knew and-and spoke to and they were alive. And don’t call me weak, ‘cause I don’t wanna hear it right now.” His tone is snappy, the blond not in the mood at all for Jacob’s shit about culling the herd and all that. Not when he’s on edge and feeling shitty. Maybe another day he’ll entertain the other and let him talk all he wants but not right now.
He sighs quietly and flops back onto the bed, letting Boomer have some space. He waits in silence and is pleasantly surprised when Jacob doesn’t mention anything about being weak.
“I’ll talk about being weak some other time then. I have work to do now, so I suppose I’ll see you around, Deputy.”
Caleb nods even though the other can’t see him, picking up the radio to talk into it “Oh uh, sure, I guess. Though can’t say I’m lookin’ forward to bein’ in a fuckin’ cage anytime soon. So maybe let’s leave that and just chat like this, huh? That sounds way better.”
A low chuckle comes over the radio and he can’t help the slight shrug of his shoulders. At least he’d tried.
“I’m afraid not, Deputy. I suppose I might be kind enough to give you a few days’ grace but you’re getting back in there at some point. Gotta train you up.”
“You’ll have to catch me first, Seed.”
“Don’t worry, I will, pup.”
Caleb laughs and he hears a quiet, amused exhale through the radio. For a second, he entertains the idea that he at least maybe made Jacob smile. The man needed to smile more. Being all that gloomy and serious wasn’t good for anyone. Honestly, all the Seeds needed to just fucking relax in his opinion. It would do them some wonders. Maybe then they’d all fucking stop trying to kill everyone who disagreed with them in Hope County.
The blond finds that he feels less on edge than before. That edge of still feeling like he needed to move, or hide was still there but it was controllable. He wouldn’t have to get up and hide in a closet like he had a couple weeks ago back home. It seemed like talking about the past with Jacob had helped a little. Even if he was thinking about the people he’d lost out there. His heart ached but in a good sort of way. Like the grief wasn’t actively choking him and instead just wrapped around him. It hurt but he could cope. It was more so a sense of loss for what could have been for them all.
Talking to someone who knew what it was like had helped immensely too, he thinks. It makes him sad because honestly if the Seeds hadn’t all been screwed over in life and ended up where they were, he wanted to think that they all would have been very successful happy people. He’s sure Jacob would have made a good counsellor or something.
He sighs again, shaking his head to dislodge those thoughts. No point in dwelling on ‘what-ifs’ with the Seeds when they were all actively trying to beat his ass in the present, right?
Caleb decides he’ll stay here tonight though. He’s too exhausted to move and his heart still thuds in quick time in his chest. Best to just to wait it out until tomorrow.
--
When he’s captured in John’s territory a few weeks later, he’s pleasantly surprised to find that he doesn’t have a bag over his head per usual but is instead blindfolded, with the knot tight against the back of his head. He’s confused about the change but it’s a welcome one.
It isn’t until he’s alone with John and the other simply tells him that ‘Jacob sends his regards’ does he understand. He’s a little touched by the other’s gesture but he certainly doesn’t understand it. He can’t help but think mildly as John immediately demands his attention that he’ll have to at least thank the other sometime.