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It had been the same routine for weeks now. Wake up, get breakfast, get tested, lunch with Kei, dinner, and sleeping again. Every day. He couldn’t even remember what real life was like. Couldn’t remember what it was like to be outside, to have the sun shine on his face - apart from through the dusty windows but he didn’t really count that - to just be up and walking again, playing volleyball. He just wanted to be himself again.
Every night he dreamt the same thing. Of jumping out of the stiff hospital bed right into his boyfriends’ arms. Of running around the park, feeling the fresh grass under his bare feet. Of seeing his friends again every day. He dreamt of living. But then he woke up and it was the same boring routine as always.
Kei was the only light in his life - his parents were happy there still was one - and seeing him every day made his whole situation a little bit better. He never missed out a day, changing his whole schedule to spend the most of his time with the younger. Going so far as to want to quit their Volleyball team but Tadashi had talked him out of it. You have to keep playing for the both of us.
His boyfriend still had hope. Fully believing in Tadashi making a recovery, he gave him hope as well. Even as both of them knew he wouldn’t. The doctors never said it out loud only opting with it looks like this will take longer or you will be out of here in no time but nothing had changed so far. It only got worse.
His breath was getting shallower each day and the other day he managed to break down on his way to the bathroom. Kei was with him when it happened and promised to drop out of school and stay with him until he was better. They both laughed about it after but when the older left, Tadashi felt a longing for the thought. He had to physically shake his head to get rid of it, feeling his eyes water and a lump forming in his throat.
It was a normal day for Tadashi when he asks his question. After getting his medicine that day, it suddenly popped up in his head and he couldn’t get rid of it. So as soon as his boyfriend arrives and takes a seat beside him he fires away.
“Tsukki? Will you miss me?“
He scrunches his eyes close and holds his breath. They had been dating for quite a while now and had been friends for practically ever but he was still scared.
Kei doesn’t answer immediately but instead grasps both of his cold hands in his. He tugs, once, twice until Tadashi slowly opens his eyes and turns his head to look at the older.
“Yams“, he sighs deeply, “That’s a stupid question to be asking. You are not leaving anywhere, why would I miss you?“
“But Tsukki, the doctor said-“
“The doctor doesn’t know what he is doing. You will get through this. We both will. Together. Okay?“
He swallows. He doesn’t want to agree. They have been over the same thing over and over but Kei doesn’t want to accept the fact. Tadashi believes that he himself has accepted his imminent and inevitable end but every time he looks into the older’s eyes he doubts it. There is so much life in them. Still so much to discover.
After not having said anything for a while, Tsukki sighs again and tilts Tadashi’s head to look at him again. His warm hands are holding his cold cheeks gingerly, afraid he might break something. His own hand grips over it and he looks up again.
“You know“, he takes a deep breath again, “ Yes. I am… I am so… so scared to lose you that it keeps me up at night. It makes my eyes water when the thought of my life.. my life without you appears.
“It feels like…like everything is crushing inside… like my stomach is collapsing. I feel so… so broken. so lost“, he takes a shaky breath, voice continuing wobbly, “You are my best friend. You don’t even know… how much mean to me and I just… I just want to scream…but I’m scared.
“‘Dashi. You make me the happiest guy to ever exist. I smile every time I’m with you… so much my lips might burst“, he gives him a weak smile at this.
It’s not really reaching his eyes or maybe it is. Tadashi can’t see anything through the tears welling in his own. Kei wipes one that is making its way down the sick boy's face with his thumb. His other hand grasping his boyfriend’s shaking hand tightly.
“You make me happy… you make me smile… you… you make me complete… and now… now I might lose that part of me and… and I don’t know how I’m gonna deal with it…I don’t know what I am supposed to do… to do without you. I love you, Yams. I love you so much. So.. yes… of course, I will miss you.“
Kei had his own tears falling down his face by now and a sob tore through him, breaking both of their resolves. He leans forward and they crush into each other, holding on like their lives depend on it and maybe it did. Maybe this was their only chance. They would never know. Never know if there’d be a next time.
They just stay like this until a nurse comes in to check up on him. Reluctantly he removes himself from the mess of tangled limbs they had become. He doesn’t let go of his hand though, gripping it like a lifeline. The appointment is short, he doesn’t have to say anything and the nurse leaves after only a few moments.
“Thank you.“
Both of them know it is not just for what he said. It is for going through this together. For him never leaving his side. For all the times they cheered each other up. For all the long nights and early mornings. For all the I love you’s and all the I am here for you’s. For everything.
“This sounds like a goodbye. Don’t be silly, Yams. I’ll be here again tomorrow. I’ll even bring you those soggy french fries you like so much and we can dip them in milkshakes or whatever you want. Yeah. Tell me right now what you want.“
Tadashi leans back against the pillows and sighs.
“I don’t want to fall asleep… I don’t want to pass away“, a small sob tore through him and he’s weakly trying to blink back tears.
Kei just grips his hand harder and is ready to deny any thoughts the younger has but he continues to talk and he just listens. He has to listen. It’s what he owes him at least.
“I’ve been thinking… of our future. Well… ‘cause I’ll never see those days.“
Probably. You will probably never see those days, Kei wants to insert but the words sound final. As much as he wants to scream and cry and tell him to stop. If this is what he needs right now, he will give it to him.
“I don't know why this has happened but I probably deserve it. I tried… I really tried to do my best but you know that I'm not perfect.“
He promised himself to let his boyfriend speak but he can’t take it anymore. The words are tearing him apart. It is obvious that Tadashi is not thinking clearly anymore, not how he skips from one topic onto the next.
“Stop. Yams, stop. You are perfect. Perfect to me. That’s enough. You are enough and you deserve nothing…nothing of this. You are worth so much and if I could switch positions with you…I promise…I promise that I would. Yams, I love you. Please don’t say stuff like that.“
As if he doesn’t even hear him anymore, he continues to talk.
“When I leave this earth, I hope you find someone else…I wish…I wish it could be me but I won't make it out of this bed. We both know that. I can’t even…I can’t even walk to the bathroom anymore without collapsing.“
“Yams, that was one time you’ll-“
“I hope I go to heaven so I see you once again. My life was kinda short but I got so many blessings and I… I am so happy to get to call you mine.“
Kei has tears streaming down his face by now. This is it. He knows it. There will be no tomorrow and if there is, it won’t be the same. This is his goodbye.
“It sucks that it's all ending… and all I can think about…is soon you'll be alone…and…and I am so… so sorry that you have to lose me-“
He breaks down now too. The dried tears on his face being covered by fresh ones. They both know it. That this is it. This is the end and so he pulls back his blanket and Kei crawls underneath. Their limps messily intertwining and Kei’s arms around his torso, head in his neck, still sobbing. He muffles quiet I love you’s into it and Tadashi just strokes his hair, mumbling his own back.
After some time, when they both had stopped crying, his hand stops stroking. Kei just grabs him tighter and continues to mumble quiet I love you’s but they fall on deaf ears.
He stops and listens and tries so hard. He tries so hard to find something. Anything. The faintest thing but it’s just silent. Everything just drops inside of him. His stomach clenches, his heart hurts and if he hadn’t really accepted it by now, the beeping of the monitor just verifies his worst nightmare.
His own ears are ringing. He doesn’t notice the nurses flooding the room. He doesn’t notice the shouts. He doesn’t notice the hands trying to rip him off the boy. The only thing he notices is his boyfriend’s body. Limp in his tight grip. So tight that he thinks he could break him but he couldn’t. There’s nothing to break anymore.
And his tears. Flooding his face, soaking into the other’s gown, filled with memories, experiences, and with what could’ve been. He doesn’t notice the nurses writing down the time. He doesn’t notice them slowly leaving the room, one after the other and he wants to scream at them. Wants to scream and tell them to bring him back. To give him back his life. He doesn’t. He hugs him close and doesn’t let go.
Not until both of their parents are in the room and everyone is crying and his mother is gently taking him into her own arms and he breaks down again. Not letting go of Tadashi’s cold hand but hugging her instead, soaking her shirt as well.
When it’s time to leave, and he knows it is, he gets close one last time. He gets close to his ear and whispers into it.
“We’ll see each other in heaven. I promise“, and he gives him one last kiss on his cold lips, moving only an inch away; “Wait for me. I love you.“
With that he turns around and leaves, knowing that if he looked at the younger, he would break down again.
And he swears to it, will swear to it for the rest of his life, that he can hear Tadashi saying it back.
I love you.