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☆ ☆ ☆ ♥ ☆ ☆ ☆
It seems as though loneliness has followed me since I was born. When I was a kid, I didn’t understand why. Mother never seemed to give me a second glance, and when she did look my way, all I could see in her eyes was regret. I wish you would just disappear.
Then I met you Tacchi, and everyone else, Michel, Lisa, Maya, those were the best days of my life. Even though I returned to a lonely house when night came, I still had the next day with everyone to look forward to. Days where we’d all play together. Days where no words needed to be spoken between us to understand each other. Days where we promised each other we’d be together forever.
That wasn’t the whole truth though. There was father. His care and love kept me alive but I pushed him away, just as mother did to the both of us because my heart wasn’t strong enough to claim him as my dad. And after the fire, after everyone left, all that remained for me were the memories of those days. Even those memories, memories that were precious to me, I allowed to distort and pushed away in the name of revenge and an easy, deluded solution to my loneliness.
So why, after everything I’ve done, all the pain and suffering I’ve caused, why did you, did everyone come back for me? When you could have pushed my affections away… When you could have told me the words I thought I knew were hiding in your heart… When you could have let me disappear… You called my name time and time again and brought me back from my nightmares.
☆ ☆ ☆ ♠ ☆ ☆ ☆
How did I manage to take my precious memories of everyone, the good and bad, and weaponize them against those closest to me? Eikichi, Lisa, Maya, and you… You were all living normal, happy lives. And here I am selfishly living a life that doesn’t belong to me with memories that shouldn’t exist because I was weak and afraid of losing everyone. It would have been better if I never made it to this side at all. That way there’d be no paradox linking this world and the other side, and you could all continue your lives in peace without me.
It truly was a proper punishment for me to right my wrongs alone, but no matter how hard I tried, I kept running into everyone. Seeing your face with vague, almost recognition tore at my heart. I just wanted to tell you everything, to jump-start your memories of us together. How we followed each other around like shadows. How we understood each other without speaking. I just wanted you to be next to me again.
The temptation to throw it all away was strongest when you gave me your lighter again. It brought me back to our promise to always be together all those years ago, but then I remembered our other promise to protect Maya. Either way, I had to break a promise. In the end, the only option that would keep you and everyone safe was to keep all our memories a secret and push you away.
I really am weaker than you think I am. But I can become stronger for your sake. This loneliness and sadness I can bear if it means you can live a happy life in this world. Even after everything, I could never regret our memories together. When all is said and done, knowing that you and everyone will be happy and safe here, I know it was for the best.
