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Wonwoo's frustrated.
It's been a month since the interview, a month since he's heard Mingyu's "Hyung I yearn for" description of him—
and he's still confused.
Why else would Mingyu yearn for him? Wasn't their friendship enough? Was Wonwoo the only one who thought they were actually close? Still, Wonwoo begged to differ. People have mentioned countless of times how both him and Mingyu were basically joined at the hip. They were some sort of a weird package deal. Wherever Wonwoo was, Mingyu's there—and that goes both ways. So, really, Wonwoo learning that Mingyu longed for him (or maybe still longs for him ... Wonwoo has yet to know) was like taking a punch to the gut, a slap to reality, or getting doused in cold water just for him to wake up.
But it wasn't supposed to be like that. It shouldn't be like that. Mingyu wasn't supposed to yearn for him.
What's there to yearn for when Wonwoo's always there, anyway?
He couldn't even ask Mingyu about it because they've yet to receive a copy of the magazine, and he's pretty sure he wasn't allowed to hear the younger's answer. They were individually interviewed for that segment; it just so happened that he passed by Mingyu's area during the latter's turn. It also was not Wonwoo's fault that Mingyu spoke in a loud voice that day. It wasn't Wonwoo's fault he heard it.
Or maybe he heard wrong. Somehow, Wonwoo hoped he did.
"Hyung!"
He was snapped out of his thoughts when Mingyu entered their room. He was holding a magazine—the CanCam magazine—and Wonwoo could feel his throat drying up.
"The CanCam magazine's here! They mailed us copies since last week, but it only arrived today," Mingyu said as he sat down on his bed, "Do you want to see? The other guys grabbed all of the copies earlier that's why I only got to have one for both of us."
Wonwoo, for the life of him, couldn't open his mouth to speak. He still nodded, though, because he did want to check the interviews. He knew he'd barely understand it given his limited knowledge and vocabulary on the language, but he hoped—pleaded—that he'd be able to read Mingyu's answer in that individual interview. It was the only thing he wanted to read.
And so, when he sat beside Mingyu to get the magazine, he looked for that page immediately. As what he expected, he couldn't understand most of the content save for the titles on top. He was about to give up, about to just rely on Twitter for translations or ask Jeonghan for it, not until he stumbled upon a page that looked like something out of a slambook.
"What's this?"
He turned to ask Mingyu whose eyes were already set on him. Wonwoo prayed his ears didn't turn red.
"Oh! You remember that part where they asked us to describe our relationship with a specific member? Our answers are on this spread."
"Oh," was all that Wonwoo answered before moving his eyes to scan the pages. He saw his description of Chan, and, although he couldn't understand it, he remembered what he answered that day.
Wonwoo hoped Mingyu remembered his own answer, too.
"I didn't know they asked you to describe me," Wonwoo hoped his chuckle concealed his lie well, "What did you answer? Ah, I hope it wasn't something unpleasant."
"Hyung, when did I ever badmouth you?" Mingyu whined, effectively placing his head on Wonwoo's lap in the process. And, as if it were his reflex action, Wonwoo's free hand immediately found its place on Mingyu's hair.
"You always do whenever we clean the room."
"But that's because you're lazy."
"Am not."
"Yes, you are."
Wonwoo chuckled at Mingyu's incessant whining, "Well I hope that wasn't what you used to describe me. What did you answer here, anyway?"
Wonwoo's question was met with silence that punctuated his every thought. Deep inside his brain, he still prayed that what he heard was wrong, that Mingyu wasn't longing for him, that it was all just a—
"A hyung I yearn for."
Wonwoo's fingers stopped carding through Mingyu's hair.
"... What?"
"I told them," Mingyu slowly said, "that you're a hyung I yearn for."
Despite his inner turmoil, Wonwoo thanked the gods that Mingyu was looking away from him.
"You yearn for me," Wonwoo said, "You yearn for me? Yearn?"
Mingyu sat up by then, but his eyes were downcast.
"Yeah. Is that— is that bad?"
"Mingyu."
Silence.
"Mingyu, look at me."
But Mingyu couldn't. He didn't want to, not when he was a step closer to possibly ending their friendship.
"Hey," Wonwoo said, his hand reaching out for Mingyu's, "Look at me, yeah?"
And when Wonwoo began rubbing circles on Mingyu's palm, it's then that the younger finally focused his eyes on Wonwoo's.
"Mingyu, why— why did you yearn for me? I mean, do you still do? A month has passed, and—"
"Yeah, but—"
"Wait, you still do? God," Wonwoo exhaled as he ran his fingers through his hair, "Did I— Did I do something wrong? I know I haven't been the best at keeping up with everyone's personal schedules recently, so, tell me, please, did I ... did I miss something important to you?"
Mingyu eyed him with bewilderment.
"What? No! No, no, no. You didn't miss out on anything; don't beat yourself up, hyung. You know you've always been there for me."
And Wonwoo knew that was right.
Still, it wasn't enough to calm him down that Mingyu had to return the favor of drawing circles on Wonwoo's hand. The elder was close to panicking, as if he were too afraid of the thought of fucking up and hurting Mingyu.
And if Mingyu could hear Wonwoo's thoughts, he'd know that's true—that Wonwoo is scared.
Wonwoo's scared to lose him.
"Then," Wonwoo said, his breath now steadying, "Then why? Why are you ... yearning for me?"
There was an unspoken "Was I not enough?" lingering on Wonwoo's lips, but he didn't want to add more onto Mingyu's agitation.
Before the younger answered, however, he stopped rubbing circles on Wonwoo's hand and just held it tight instead.
To Wonwoo, it was still comforting.
"Hyung," Mingyu began, "You know how whenever I'm sad, you're just ... always there? You try to cheer me up by bringing me to random places, and then blurting out whatever story you could think of. You even cuddle me to sleep on my worse days."
"... Yeah."
"With you, it was mostly just fun. You never asked me to vent out my frustrations, but— but you still listen when I do. You don't really give advice. You always wait for me to directly ask you about it before you actually say your own thoughts."
"Mingyu, that's— that's basic decency."
The younger chuckled, "I know. It's basic decency, common courtesy, whatever else it is people call it nowadays. But, when it's you who does it, there's ... there's something different."
Mingyu squeezed his hand then.
"You've always been nice to me, always been there for me—but I can't say the same for myself."
"What?"
"When you're down, you ... you close us off. You always want to be alone when you're sad. It's been years, but I still don't know how to approach you when you're in that state."
"But you try to."
Mingyu smiled, "Yeah, of course I do. But you just brush me off."
"I'm sorry."
"It's fine. I know it's kind of innate to you. You've always been that selfless kid among the thirteen of us, after all. You didn't want to share your burdens, so you just kept mum. You just ... took it all in. All alone."
"Mingyu—"
"It sounds weird, but I had to study your mannerisms and expressions, so I could at least help you even in the slightest way when you're feeling down. You distance yourself so much from us during times like those, but I— I don't want you to distance yourself from me, hyung. I want to take care of you the same way you take care of me."
When Mingyu squeezed his hand for the second time, Wonwoo seemed to already know what the younger's yearning was.
"I want you to let me in—that's what I long for, Wonwoo hyung. I want to know you more because ... because until now, it feels like I'm still not allowed to."
Was it possible to literally feel your heart hurt? At that moment, when Wonwoo turned to look at Mingyu's eyes, he knew it was.
"I-I'm sorry. You know I'm trying—"
"I do."
"But some days are just too rough, and I don't want any of you to carry that same burden—especially you. You're too nice for this world, Gyu. I don't want you to be troubled with my problems, too."
"So you just deal with it on your own."
Wonwoo nodded, "Yeah."
"But you help me deal with my own issues. Why can't I help you with yours?"
Wonwoo was silent after. The younger had a point, after all. He had always been there for his members' bad days, but no one was ever mostly present during his—because that was how he wanted it to be.
What was Wonwoo, then? Was he selfless for not troubling his friends with his problems; or was he selfish for keeping it all to himself when someone out there wanted to carry his burdens with him?
"I'm sorry," was all that he could say.
Mingyu squeezed his hand again.
"You don't have to be. It's just ... the thought of you dealing with everything on your own—I don't like it. I don't want you to be sad alone. If you're— If you're sad, then you can come to me. We can be sad together. I'll even cook for you for the entire day if that's what you want."
That was enough to bring a smile to Wonwoo's lips.
"Thank you. I'm— I'm trying to be better."
"You are becoming better."
"I'm sorry. I think I stressed you out a lot on this one," Wonwoo chuckled, his hand squeezing Mingyu's in the process.
"Ah, why do you keep on apologizing? You have nothing to apologize for. I just don't want you to be alone when I'm right here."
"You're always there for me."
"Of course. It's because I love you."
Wonwoo's ears perked up at that.
"You do?"
"Of course I do. I always have—you should know that by now."
Wonwoo smiled, "I know. You always say it before we go to sleep. Even when you're tired from crying because of a bad day, you still say it. Is it because you don't want to forget?"
Wonwoo, however, does not know the extent of Mingyu's love for him. But when the younger inched closer to him, Wonwoo supposed he'd know the answer today.
"Not really; I don't think it's easy to forget that I love you. I just want to say it, just want to always remind you that I love you. And maybe ... hope that you say it back. You never say it back."
Wonwoo giggled, "I do say it back. I just do it when I'm sure you're finally asleep."
"That's not counted," Mingyu pouted. Wonwoo suddenly had the urge to kiss that pout away, though.
And so he did.
The kiss was short-lived, but Mingyu's grin once Wonwoo broke away felt like a sign that more kisses would soon come.
"Thank you."
"That isn't 'I love you', though."
Wonwoo giggled again before giving Mingyu a quick peck on the lips.
"I love you, too."
Mingyu's grin turned wider.
"God, you have no idea how much I waited for this."
"For me to kiss you?"
"... Well, that's kind of included, but it was more of me waiting for you to say that you love me back."
If Wonwoo's heart melted at that, only he had to know.
"I'll say it to you now every night, then."
"Make sure I'm still awake."
Wonwoo smiled.
"Of course."
"So, are we— are we dating now? Are you mine now?"
"Yeah, but I've always been yours, though."
Mingyu caressed Wonwoo's cheek.
"Really?"
Wonwoo nodded, a faint smile playing on his lips, "Always have been yours."
When Mingyu kissed Wonwoo—longer this time around, of course—he came to realize that he yearned for this, too.
And now he finally has it.