Work Text:
“I had no choice!”
“Didn’t you?” Rey asked Kylo. She had been meditating, hovering, trying to hear the voices of past Jedi, but then she’d been interrupted. By him.
She had lowered herself to the ground, and made sure she was ensconced in the trees and underbrush, not wanting to give away where she was in case he could see her surroundings.
His face contorted into a snarl, and it hurt her to look at it, because part of her knew that wasn’t him. It couldn’t be, yet she hated him, even while her heart broke for him.
“You were the one who ignited the lightsaber. You made the choice to kill him, to kill Han Solo.”
His face fell, gaze softening, and she sensed hurt, regret. It pulsed from him through the Force, and straight into her. She nearly reached out her hand to him, but she just crossed her legs, and pulled her knees in close. No, she wouldn’t be taking his hand. Not Kylo’s.
“You’re right,” he said, sitting down with her, just a couple feet away. “I did.”
Tears started building up in his eyes, and Rey couldn’t stand it. Because she knew him. She’d touched him, and she’d seen who he was, seen what he could be. That darkness he carried around, it wasn’t him. It’d been placed there by Snoke. She’d seen it. Now she wanted to break him free of it, but the thought terrified her. Their last meeting had brought so much pain and turmoil. And then he’d attacked Crait. He’d given up, surely. But looking at him now, she wasn’t so assured of that. He seemed almost child-like, lost.
Blast, she sure knew the feeling.
Snoke’s throne room flashed through her mind, all red like blood, and pulsing with anger and fear. Darkness. And yet there’d been light for a time… from him, flowing through both of them. She’d wanted to cultivate that light, to save him, but she’d had to save herself instead. Sometimes Rey regretted that choice, even though she knew she could never bring suffering upon others.
Their eyes locked, and she knew they were both seeing Snoke, seeing how Kylo had been nothing to him but a puppet to torture and play with and use. The man in front of her, he was lost. So lost.
“I-I’m sorry, I—”
“No, you’re right.”
“But Snoke—”
“Yes, he… got inside me. Twisted me.” He paused, and then his face turned cruel, yet his eyes, his eyes were the same, filled with a goodness she knew was there, a light that she had touched. “But now he’s gone, and I’m who I’m meant to be. But you, you’re not.”
She bristled at his words, and resisted the urge to shift backwards, even while part of her wanted to lunge forwards and tackle him—was that even possible right now?
She filed the thought away for a later time. But she couldn’t possibly fight him now. It would only play into his hand.
He’s the enemy, Rey. Remember that.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she spat.
“The dark side.”
She rose to her feet, lightsaber hilt out and pointed at him. He slowly stood up, and this close to her, his towering height was beyond imposing.
“You’ll take my hand this time. I’ll turn you. I know it.”
“Is that what you’re trying to do now?” Rey accused, thumb fingering the ignition on the hilt. “Turn me?”
“It’s what you want. I’ve seen it.”
Rey snarled, and turned from him. “You’re seeing things that aren’t there, Kylo.”
“And so are you.”
She whirled on him, hilt right up against his throat, face set in a fierce grimace, teeth bared. “Don’t pretend around me! We… We shared something, and still do . You’re frightened, you’re hiding. I won’t let you.”
Kylo Ren reached out his gloved hand, and he gently touched Rey’s wrist. She should’ve let go, or should’ve hit the ignition. She could’ve ended it, could’ve done something. But when he touched her, she was helpless, seeing endless possibilities crumbling to dust, becoming nothing in the Force. But surely that was his will. Not the truth. It couldn’t be the truth. It wasn’t.
Fire burned through her, a fierce fire that she felt whenever she was near him. Yet it immobilized her. He gently moved her hand away from him, having the hilt point downwards beside his feet.
“Rey—” he said, reaching out a hand as if he was going to caress her cheek.
“No, don’t touch me.”
He let go, stepping back, leaving her breathless, and horribly confused. What in the galaxy was she doing? Talking to the new Supreme Leader? It wasn’t right, it wasn’t good, and yet… she’d seen herself on that throne, she’d seen the flaring red. Maybe… Just maybe, he was right.
No.
No, he couldn’t be.
She wouldn’t let him be.
Yet what of him? She couldn’t… She couldn’t leave him, do nothing. He needed help. She saw it in him even in the way he looked at her now. He was filled with longing, hopelessness.
Anger.
Fear.
Rey felt it too, and knew it was her own just as it was his.
“What you did—what you’re doing,” she began, “—it’s vile, and evil. And it’s hurting you. I can see it. You’re suffering.”
“You see nothing!” he spat.
Suddenly, he was reaching, grabbing something, and his mask came into view. It was full of cracks that seemed to bleed. With the mask on, it was as if he was another person, as if he was hiding. He was hiding.
“You’re wrong. I see through you, Kylo Ren. I see Ben Solo. I’m going to save you, and if I can’t—”
“If you can’t, I’ll turn you,” he said, his voice coming out deep and dark.
“No. Never.”
“We’ll see.”
The connection broke off, and Rey was left standing all alone in the forest, sweating slightly from her encounter, her head pounding. The very Force around her and in her felt empty now that he was gone, and she found her breaths coming to her in deep gasps. Nothing lingered between them for now, but she’d seen him. She was sure of it. She’d seen Ben.
“Rey?” a voice called.
She jumped at it, and quickly turned. But she instantly relaxed upon seeing Rose’s kind face. There was concern there, but she didn’t voice anything, seeming to somehow notice that Rey didn’t want to talk.
“Finn and Poe are back, and they have information from the spy.”
Even as she said that, said Finn’s name, Rey could hear the hurt, the unrequited love, if that’s what love even was. It had to be. Rose had fought for him. And wasn’t Rey trying to do the same thing for those she loved?
“Right, thank you. I’ll—I’ll be right there,” she responded, taken aback by everything. It was all moving too quickly.
Rose nodded, and Rey stepped closer. “Rose?”
“Hmm?”
“Finn does love you, you know.” Why was she saying that? Did she just not want Rose to feel as lost and empty as she did?
Rey, you fool, they’re hardly the same thing.
Still, she forged on, going up to her, and brushing their shoulders together, “I know it’s not in the way you wanted, but he still cares. He has a big heart. And between you and me, I think you deserve someone with more of an attention span.”
Rose smiled and even gave a tiny laugh at that.
“And you deserve someone who doesn’t leave you hurt.”
“He won’t,” she responded, no idea why she was even sharing this. And how did Rose know ? “Not always.”
“Rey—” Rose began, voice darkening.
“I know.” She swallowed back her confusion, and loneliness, and then put an arm around Rose. “Come on, let’s go check on the boys. Beebee-Eight, you coming?”
The droid appeared from the underbrush, where he’d been sulking since the tree incident. He was a little scratched, but otherwise fine. Just moody. He rolled over to them, and then went past her, heading straight for where Rey could now see smoke emanating through the trees.
Blast it, the Falcon.
BB-8 whirred and beeped his derision at her, and as she chased after him, Rose right behind her, she said, “Hey, you know I didn’t mean it!” They kept going. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? And—”
She paused at seeing the Millennium Falcon, Rose pulling up beside her.
Oh Force, it was on fire!
Anger rose in Rey, and a small part of her managed to forget about Kylo Ren—Ben Solo. She had a job to do now. She had no choice.
Yet would that choice tear her apart?
She pushed it from her mind as BB-8 went up to Poe and started yelling about her. An argument began and there was no time to think about her wants and desires.
She was the last Jedi, a Resistance fighter. She had a job to do, and people to save. Ben couldn’t get in the way of that. Something akin to grief stabbed through her, but she shoved it down, and down, and down. She yelled at Poe, till Finn came along, and hugged her. He hugged Rose too. Maybe things weren’t all bad.
But once she heard the news about the Final Order, she knew that was a lie.
This mission to Exogol—she had no choice. This was it. She would face the Final Order. And she would face him.