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This is a tale they whisper on the streets, hushed voices and a hand cupped over the ear. This is a tale many cry over, a tale that makes the heart wrench and sour. This is a tale about a love that crosses lifetimes, a love between two that finds itself over and over again, but a love that never comes to be.
♕
The first time Kuzuha meets Kanae he is 9, a head poking out from amidst the bushes, wide eyes half hidden by greenery in the backyard belonging to the Allexceed Familia.
Kuzuha blinks. “Why are you hiding there?”
He sees the younger boy blink back once, twice, and then there is a rustling of leaves as tiny footsteps pad over, the kid stopping a distance away from him and gazing up at him with eyes full of wonder. He mumbles something that the vampire does not catch, and Kuzuha beckons him to speak again.
“... the roses…” It’s louder now, but the boy in front of him fiddles with the edges of his sleeves awkwardly as he breaks off eye contact with Kuzuha, “... I wanted to see the roses…”
A chuckle leaves Kuzuha’s lips as he edges closer to the boy. “What’s your name?”
“... nae… Kanae…”
“Well then Kanae,” Kuzuha, now next to the shorter boy, holds out a hand, “shall we go see the roses?”
The joy in Kanae’s eyes as they light up is one Kuzuha will remember for years to come- one that he finds seeks him out once a week in the dark of the night hidden between the rose bushes until the boy hits the age of 13, one that finds him even after Kanae has long grown up, azure blue orbs shielded behind glasses as its owner stands before him in the robes of a priest at the age of 18, beaming.
It is also the one he sees each night in his dreams after that, the light seeping out of them as he remembers the warm blood trickling through his fingers from a body going cold.
In this lifetime, when Kuzuha loses Kanae, the priest is 21.
Was there a lifetime waiting for us in a world where I was yours?
Paper planes and porcelain
Smell of rain through the window pane
And the sight of you
Oh, you were a good dream
♕
The next time Kuzuha meets Kanae it leaves him reeling. Eyes that remind him of sapphire diamonds scattered in the night sky, the crinkling of them into crescent moons as he smiles.
This time, Kanae is 18, and a commander in the military, and Kuzuha sits there, dazed, when the commander shows up in a meeting with the rest of the heads of the Allexceed Familia to discuss war plans.
How could it be? He’d wanted to ask. I saw you die in my arms all those years ago.
And yet, when those eyes find his from across the room, Kuzuha knows it is no mistake. For the rest of the meeting he finds himself too distracted to listen, fingernails digging crescents in his palm as his gaze wanders to the commander every now and then throughout the 3 hours.
“I’m Kanae,” a familiar voice piques from beside him after the meeting ends, a hand extended. When Kuzuha grasps onto it a little too hard, Kanae does not flinch. Kuzuha tries to imprint the feeling of this warm hand into his, breaths shaky as he prepares to introduce himself.
“I’m Kanae,” the voice interrupts again before he can speak, “and have we met somewhere before?”
In Kanae’s lifetime this time, their story makes it to the books. A vampire and a human commander fight side by side in the war, swords blazing and guns drawn. They write that the two are a formidable pair that pushed the enemy’s line of defense back till the brink of surrender. They write that they have never seen a duo this strong. They write that it is rumoured they were in love, for where there is Kanae, Kuzuha follows. They sing their praises and write their legacy, but they don’t write about how it ends.
When Kuzuha loses Kanae this time, the latter is 36, cradled in his arms and eyes fluttering shut to the sounds of his hoarse screams. No one but Kuzuha remembers.
I was scared to lose you then
But secrets turn into regrets
Buried feelings grow
Oh, you were a good dream
♕
In Kanae’s next lifetime, the Kanae he finds looks down at him from above, smirk hanging by the side of lips with an eyebrow raised.
“So?” This Kanae questions, voice cold, “why is someone like you sneaking around my turf?”
It doesn’t take long for Kuzuha to understand that this time, Kanae is part of the underworld, hair pulled up high and dressed neatly in a suit, a gun hanging off his finger aimed directly between his eyes.
And to think you weren’t pointing that gun at me in our previous life.
Kanae, even in all his ferocity and bloodlust illuminated by the lamp hanging overhead them, still looks like the home the vampire has been missing for much too long.
In the delirium of pain he finds himself drowning in after having received a beating from Kanae’s men earlier, Kuzuha can only drown in his melancholy. He is faintly aware of the tug at his heartstrings, and the desperation that is rising from the pits of his stomach knowing that in this life, the end is one that comes too soon.
Kuzuha lets out a shuddering breath, and whispers in the silence of the room the name of the one he carries around like a rosary around his pocket.
“Kanae.”
He feels metal against his head, a searing pain, and then the world goes dark.
When Kuzuha wakes up the next morning, face in the dirt and fingers grasping weakly at the ground, he knows in his heart that he has lost Kanae in a different way this lifetime. In the confines of the dingy room with no one to accompany him but a heart that has long been trampled over, the vampire sobs. No one hears him cry.
Was there a lifetime waiting for us in a world where I was yours?
Was it the wrong time, what if we tried giving in a little more
To the warmth we had before?
♕
In the next lifetime where Kanae is reborn, Kuzuha finds there is something akin to fear that flows through him this time. The fear of loss.
When a familiar blue bumps into him as he makes his way into the pet shop by his house, Kuzuha pulls back in fear, stumbling a few steps back.
“I’m sorry!” This Kanae says, worry evident in his voice, “are you okay?”
And still, even with the distance he places between them, Kuzuha finds himself scanning the man in front of him out of habit. There is no doubt. Kanae might have shorter hair this time, bangs clipped up to expose his forehead, but the way he carries himself and the way he sounds will always remain crystal clear in Kuzuha’s mind. Body leaning slightly forward, legs together and arms crossed to the front as he cradles his cat- Kuzuha has Kanae’s habits known like the back of his hand.
As though out of instinct, Kuzuha feels the familiar beating of his heart in his chest, and then the fear that loss may be just round the corner washes over him. Please, he prays silently, not again.
“Are you okay?” Kanae asks again, softer this time as he watches the way Kuzuha stands there, eyebrows furrowed and nibbling anxiously away on his bottom lip. “Did I hurt you?”
Kuzuha swallows thickly, and shakes his head slowly. The black cat in Kanae’s arms leap out and circles Kuzuha’s legs excitedly, rubbing its head against his leg affectionately.
Kanae chuckles and oh, how I’ve missed this, is all Kuzuha can think, not even registering the cat by his feet.
“It would appear Roto likes you,” Kanae continues, grinning, “it’s not something I see every day.”
Kuzuha nods, silent as he attempts to seer the image of Kanae this time to his mind.
“I’m Kanae,” the man holds out a hand, “would you like to come over to my place to play with Roto?”
Despite the fear tugging at his heartstrings, Kuzuha finds himself accepting the invitation with a smile, warm hands meeting his. It feels too comfortable, too familiar, like two puzzle pieces clicking in place next to each other, and Kuzuha almost wants to cry at Kanae’s touch. Affection blossoms in his heart.
But as fast as it blossoms, his heart withers as well.
“This is my partner,” Kanae introduces with a smile when they get there, and Kuzuha wants to scream no, no, no, not this time too , but when she looks at Kanae, his Kanae, with a smile that Kuzuha knows he can never rival, it takes every fibre of his being to force a smile on his face and to part his lips.
“I’m Kuzuha,” his voice cracks, and Kuzuha ignores the feeling of a thousand needles in the crevices of his heart, “and it’s a pleasure to meet you.”
His fingernails dig crescents deep enough to draw blood as he fists his hands by his sides, watching the man he has loved his whole life love someone else. Hopelessly, Kuzuha is in love with the Kanae of this life too. But without fail, fate pushes them apart.
Tangled with another's eyes
Never mind, you were never mine
Glimpse of me and you
Oh, you were a good dream
♕
Kuzuha avoids Kanae for the next few lifetimes of his.
Without fail, Kanae and he cross paths like clockwork. There is a time he meets him on the streets, watching from the shadows of his hoodie a Kanae that laughs with his friends, laughter crisp in the autumn air.
There is a time he finds a Kanae appearing on the screens that deck the buildings of Shibuya, gentle voice blasted over the speakers in a lifetime where he is an idol, loved by many.
And there is a time, he finds Kanae in a quiet corner of his favourite cafe, huddled in the warmth of a scarf as he reads a book by himself. When their eyes meet, Kuzuha is the first to turn away.
For all these times, all the vampire does is watch from afar, placing a hand over his beating heart long gone cold, praying for an ending that is better than the last. At night, he dreams of eyes as deep as the ocean, laughter that runs deep in his veins, and a warmth he cannot forget.
Was there a lifetime waiting for us in a world where I was yours?
Was it the wrong time, what if we tried giving in a little more?
I'd spend a lifetime waiting in vain just to go back to the way we were before
♕
But as with everything unavoidable, fate finally decides to bring them together again.
In this lifetime, Kanae has short hair again. His bangs cradle his face, a strand falling out of place as he turns to him next in line, a practiced smile on his face that glows in the setting sun. And after so many lifetimes where he has only known loss, this sight leaves Kuzuha breathless once more, heart doing flips in his chest as he lets out a shaky, “hey.”
“Hey!” Kanae greets back, and despite the lack of recognition in his voice, Kuzuha can still feel his heart squeezing painfully in his chest. Oh, how I’ve missed you so.
“I’m Kanae,” the barista that Kanae is this time smiles, “What can I get for you today?”
“The sweetest drink,” Kuzuha starts, eyes never leaving the face in front of his, “will you get me the sweetest drink please?”
Something crosses Kanae’s face, an emotion unrecognised by them both.
“You’re still drinking sweet things?” And it has Kuzuha reeling, taking two steps back as his heartbeat speeds up, and his breaths come out in short puffs of air. It couldn’t be. It couldn’t be it couldn’t be it couldn’t be, could it?
He watches Kanae’s eyes widen upon blurting the sentence out, panic crossing his features.
“I’m sorry,” he apologises almost immediately, “I don’t know why I said that.”
Ah, is all Kuzuha can think, gaze falling to the floor. His heart goes cold again. He should have known anyway. The thing called love was never his to begin with.
“You can keep the change,” he murmurs, voice cracking as he stuffs a 10 dollar bill in Kanae’s hands. The brush of fingers against his still leaves him slightly breathless, but he turns away as his vision starts blurring and he feels the familiar burn in his eyes.
But maybe fate finally has enough of playing with him this time. Fate has witnessed him cup loss between his fingers and bury them so deep in his chest he has long forgotten how to breathe without the pang in his chest with each inhale. And this is why, as fate will have it, long fingers grasp at his wrist as he turns to leave, and a voice that reminds him of honey, of home and everything good, tells him to wait.
When Kuzuha turns back this time, the man in front of him is frowning, determination set in his features.
“I’m Kanae,” he breathes, voice as sweet as all the Kanaes of the past, and Kuzuha bites on his bottom lip so hard it draws blood, “won’t you go out for coffee with me some time?”
When Kuzuha nods, swallowing the lump in his throat as the first tear trickles down his cheek, there is a hope that stirs within him.
Was it the wrong time, what if we tried giving in a little more
To the warmth we had before?
In this lifetime, Kanae lives.
Is there a lifetime waiting for us?
And in this lifetime, Kanae is Kuzuha’s, in the same way Kuzuha has been his all along.
All this time, I have been yours
♕
This is a tale they whisper on the streets, hushed voices and a hand cupped over the ear. This is a tale many cry over, a tale that makes the heart wrench and sour. This is a tale about a love that crosses lifetimes, a love between two that finds itself over and over again. But this is also a tale about a love that finds one like the sweetest release, nestling in between the wounds of loss and grief.
And the rest, as they say, is history.