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It had been four hours since the away team had been beamed back, Voyager was safely quite a distance away from the cube but still Chakotay made nothing to leave the bridge or have the bridge crew relieved.
Tom Paris got more nervous by the minute. He had shortly gone to sickbay to see for himself that B’Elanna was safe but was back now. Why did the Commander not call beta shift? When he thought it to be safe he risked a look to Harry who lifted his shoulders. He had hoped that the Commander had not seen this exchange but no luck. Even in his exhausted state he was aware of anything that Paris did.
“What is it, Mr Paris?” he asked grumpily.
“I was wondering, Sir, we are all up for 24 hours at least, and I for myself wouldn’t mind some rest. Shouldn’t beta crew take over by now?”
Chakotay knew that Paris was right but he also knew that he was not in the right mind to go to his quarters just yet. The last twenty-four hours had been the hardest of his life. He knew he would have nightmares when he fell asleep and couldn’t face the loneliness of his quarters. However, he also knew that he couldn’t stay on the bridge forever. Without any reply he pushed his combadge. “Beta bridge crew, please report to stations.”
It did not take long for the first replacements to arrive. The first one was the young Ensign who was going to replace Tom Paris. Exchanging some words, Paris got up, ready to leave. But he stopped in his tracks. He had never seen Chakotay this forlorn. This man was not only tired and exhausted, he was hopeless and so, so sad. Before he could bring himself to refrain what he knew was right but could further damage his relationship with his commanding officer he stepped up to the command level and stopped just in front of Chakotay.
“Permission to speak freely “, he asked in a low voice, making sure that no one could listen in. Chakotay was actually too tired to reject Tom, so he just gave a very tiny nod, indicating that he could continue.
“She needs you”, Tom said, “She needs you just as you need her. Please go and see her. For her, for you and for all of us.”
And without waiting for an answer Tom left.
Chakotay was torn. Was it so obvious – but well, Tom was always the one most attuned to anything that took place on the bridge? Just before leaving Kathryn had taken his hand, on the bridge no less. That had never happened before. And while their banter was easy there was so much neither of them had said. Their eyes had not left each other until she had disappeared in the turbo lift. Chakotay knew that Tom was right, at least for his side of the story. He needed her, needed to make sure for himself that she was safe and well taken care of. He needed to feel her warmth, see her smile, her recognition that all would be well.
But what should he say? His fear of losing her, his fear of having seen her for the last time was etched deeply in his memory and he knew he couldn’t go on as if nothing had happened. But he also knew that he wasn’t ready yet for her rejection.
When his replacement arrived, he stood up and went slowly. Tiredness overtook him, being in his own world, he didn’t realize where his steps were taking him. He only stopped when he realized that he was almost in sickbay. I should go, he thought, she needs her sleep, and anyway there was time later to talk about it. He was ready to turn around as just in this moment the doors opened and Seven left sickbay. Looking upset, she acknowledged him with a curt nod, but didn’t talk and continued along the corridor. Before he could talk himself out of it his desire to see for himself that Kathryn was safe overtook him and he slipped through the open door.
He immediately saw Tuvok and B’Elanna sleeping very quietly on their beds but he also saw the captain. She was trying to put the pad in her hand on the shelf next to her. He had to stop himself to not rush over immediately, seeing how she struggled with this simple task. He saw how hard this was on her and he saw how slowly she moved. He couldn’t see her face but what he saw was made him hurt even more. She did not know that she was watched, did not know that he had slipped in. There was no command mask in place. He saw sadness, pure exhaustion. This was not the captain, but Kathryn who had just gone through hell again to save her crew.
Quietly he went over to her place and took the pad from her.
“Let me help you with this “, he told her, saying so much more with his voice than his words.
Surprise didn’t let the Captain take over. There was no time for her to prepare herself to see him again. She had been convinced that her goodbye on the bridge was a goodbye forever. She had thought she would never see him again. So, seeing him here, alive, tired, exhausted but breezing and helping her was the last straw that broke her stubborn refusal to accept that not everything was fine.
A tear started to form in her eyes and before she could really stop it more joined the first one.
Chakotay didn’t think, he just acted. He did what he wanted to do from the first time he learnt of her insane plan. He took her in his arms, never to let her out of his sight again, keeping her safe. She buried her head on his chest and he pulled her even closer, breathing in her scent, inhaling deeply. She smelled like coffee and roses and lavender and so much like Kathryn that for the first time in a long while he felt peace washing over him.
Neither of them spoke, both knew that this episode in their travel was something they couldn’t forget, that they needed to address it. But right now was not the time.
They didn´t speak or talk for a long time. When her breathing got even, Chakotay lowered her back on the bed. Pulling up the blanket, tucking her in, he smiled softly at the sleeping woman. While kissing her on the forehead, he softly whispered a good night. After he took her hand and placed it safely on the bed as well, he prepared to leave but looked at her sweet, utterly exhausted face again and couldn´t resist… he placed a soft kiss on her lips and left with a smile on his face. He knew it would be hard and he knew that there were lots of discussions ahead but after the dark hours there was a sliver of hope ahead.