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Bakugou Katsuki has felt fear before (though he’d likely never admit it).
The times when he was threatened with his life: He’ll never forget how it felt to slowly suffocate and the deep helplessness that leadened him down to his bones in the sludge incident. Seeing some monstrous… thing running straight for him and knowing he’d have to fight to have a chance to survive. When that shitty portal told them so simply that he was going to kill them, and it had only been a day as a student—not even a hero, just a fucking student—to fight and fight and fight until he came across villains that he couldn’t beat, that his own sensei couldn’t beat. Then, when he heard that for some fucking reason those same shitty villains were after him? It was a weak thought to have, but damn he just wanted a break.
There’ve been other times too, where he was afraid for others. When he was forced to watch All Might risk everything just to rescue his stupid, useless self; destroying his status and power as the Symbol of Peace. He really couldn’t forget that pathetic fucking face Deku had made as he ran to him, hand outstretched to try to take him from the portal he was forced into.
Those villains said they loved the smell of his fear, and Bakugou knew they were full of shit because how could they. Not when he knew just how deeply his fear reeked of ego. Indignant pride overpowering his hesitation. He knew he was better than these extras, he was supposed to be.
If he wasn’t, then what was he?
He’s always been afraid, he’s human, obviously he would be. He just doesn’t like to show it. Pity makes him feel more pathetic than he already does and like hell he’d ever talk his feelings out with someone. So he’d rather act like a dick, push people away and relish in the power trip it gave him. Even if it went too far sometimes.
This was one of those times.
He was in a bad mood that day. Yeah, he can acknowledge when he’s cruel but never this much so. Even Shitty Hair ended up leaving him alone because of how abrasive he was acting. It’s a stupid reason to get his panties in a bunch, but he’d had a nightmare about the so-called ‘Kamino Ward Incident’, and all those feelings that he’d thought he’d gotten over rose up within him again. Not only was he the one who ended his biggest role model, he found out that said role model gave his legendary quirk to his own goddamn (sorta) arch-enemy. This shitty fucking nerd would become the new Symbol of Peace. The number one hero. That thought quickly led him to all the times the idiot tried to rescue him—four times now—, which led him to spiral into their relationship in middle school, which once again led him into a pit of self-loathing and misplaced anger.
He couldn’t help but count himself lucky that he hadn’t run into the stupid Deku that day, because he was sure he’d tear his head off if he had. The damn nerd reminds him too much of everything he did wrong.
After a while of sulking at the dorms and listening to Four Eyes heavy ass breathing for so long, he decided to blow off some steam at the training grounds. It was either that or getting into another fight and he honestly wouldn’t be able to stand another one of Aizawa’s disciplinary actions. Who knows, maybe he’ll come back and Dunce Face will make some idiotic joke that will make all the obvious tension that was lingering in the air dissipate into nothing. (At least then he wouldn’t have to apologize).
With a towel hanging over his shoulder and a water bottle in hand, he opened the door to Training Center B, already feeling a slight buzz in his veins at the anticipatory adrenaline of working out. That adrenaline couldn’t do shit against the sheer wave of displeasure washing over him once he saw Deku already there working on his shitty “full cowl” (dumbass name for it, by the way). A snarl already made its way onto his lips and the words came out of them before he had even thought about it.
“The fuck you doing here, useless shit?” His gruff voice barked across the pseudo-gymnasium and Midoriya halted his kick midair before turning to face him.
“Oh! Um, Kacchan, hey! I’m just training.” Midoriya’s voice always wavered with an anxious twinge and it seemed he could sense Bakugou’s bad mood already, seeing the way he shuffled his feet and scratched at his head with a sheepish grin.
“Yeah, obviously, freak.” He took a step toward him and Midoriya’s eyes automatically glanced to the hothead’s feet as if to track what his next move was, a detail not unnoticed by Bakugou but sorely misinterpreted. “I’m asking why the fuck are you, here? I’m training here. What do you look so nervous for, dipshit? Wanna fight?” The blonde’s blood was pumping, thrumming in his ears in a way that kept him from hearing any rational thought in his head—if he even had any.
Green eyes snapped open wide in shock and he immediately started waving his hands while frantically shaking his head. “No no no no, not at all, Kacchan. Why would you think i was looking for a fight?”
Those were not the right words to say as Bakugou’s red-filled mind once again misinterpreted things and thought of it as him ‘talking back’.
“Ya’ know I’m still so fucking bothered by you.” Midoriya furrowed his brows in slight confusion, an expression of innocent concern that cause Bakugou’s own to twist more into a sneer. “Shit hasn’t changed since middle school. You’re still just a wannabe bitch who needs someone else’s help to fulfill your shitty dreams. If you hadn’t met All Might you’d still be the same fucking useless nobody.” A grin stretched across his face when he saw Midoriya flinch at that and he once again stepped closer. A new kind of adrenaline filled him, the type he liked, the type where he could watch people crumble at his feet, knowing he was the one to put them there. “You really shouldn’t even fucking be here. You know you cheated, right? I wonder how e~veryone would react to that if they found out. That their precious, shitty nerd is nothing more than goddamn fraud and a failure. How many of your friends would still even be around you after they find out you’re actually a quirkless loser, huh? Round Face, Glasses, fucking Icyhot…”
A small voice in the back of his head was telling him to shut the fuck up already, but he couldn’t control himself right now. His chest heaved with an effort he hadn’t exerted and the edges of his vision felt like they were going dark, purely tunnel-visioned on the kid—the thing—in front of him. Even if the green-haired loser didn’t know, it was his fault he couldn’t sleep at night. It was his fault he ever even realized there was something wrong with him. It was his fault for everything that happened since the damn sludge incident.
Of course it was his fault. Because Bakugou was the best. Bakugou was the best and whose fault could it be besides the one who is at the center of every single one of his failures?
Midoriya looked close to tears and was balling up the fabric of his shorts in his fists as Bakugou wouldn’t stop spouting his vitriol. A pop of a small explosion sparked in his hands as he felt himself get more worked up, especially after Midoriya tried to speak up.
“K-Kacchan, where is this coming from? I can just leave it’s fine…” He brought up his hands in a placating manner but quickly looked off to the side, mouth contorted into a distant frown, “but please don’t bring up that stuff. It’s-it’s in the past now and… there’s really no need for that.” He glanced back to Bakugou who seethed.
Back in middle school Midoriya would never even think of saying a word back, much less tell Bakugou to shut up (that’s really not what he said at all). Back in middle school, Bakugou was top dog and Midoriya was nothing more than a pebble on the side of the road to be kicked away for entertainment. Back in middle school, every single useless shit at school would worship Bakugou’s feet for even an ounce of his attention or mercy. Back in middle school, Bakugou was the most pathetic and weak he had ever been and ever will be. So why the fuck did everything keep coming back to middle school?
The blonde grit his teeth at the thought, hands damn near shaking with rage (or something that felt just as putrid as it), red eyes narrowed into an icy glare as he caught his breath. “Tch. And look at you now! So fucking pathetic and tearing up like a stupid bitch! I don’t understand how anybody can even fucking stand your pathetic ass face. God, you know what I really wish?” No. “I really,” please stop, “really fucking wish…” He was right in Midoriya’s face now, whose entire body was shaking in a mixture of poorly restrained fear and grief. “That you actually took a jump off the roof back in middle school.” Katsuki’s stomach twisted and dropped as soon as the words left his mouth, but he didn’t dare let his face show an ounce of his true feelings, even though he could feel it burning in shame. Izuku’s face, however, displayed every bit of brokenness and betrayal that he felt in his large eyes that were now overflowing with unshed tears.
A stagnant quiet smothered the air of the gymnasium. Neither knew who was the one to take a step back from each other, but the space between them felt just as empty as the look on both of their faces.
Izuku’s brain has a habit of thinking too quickly for him to even attempt to keep up, but at this moment… it felt like everything had suddenly shut down. He told him. He told him to just stop. And he had to bring up some of the worst timed, some of the worst memories in his life. Fuck thinking, the only thing Izuku could do right now is feel; and what he was feeling was a cold, slow heat spreading from his stomach, to a tightness in his chest, to a burning prickling at his face. He was embarrassed. He was upset. He was angry. And most of all, he was done.
Katsuki opened his mouth to apologize—all the pointless anger in him had washed out when the lregret of his own words rooted into his mind instead—but before he could even get a word out, almost as if seeing Bakugou move was the final straw for him, Izuku’s face twisted into a vicious snarl.
“God… fuck you, Bakugou.” Katsuki immediately flinched; not at Midoriya’s murderous tone or his uncharacteristically vulgar words, but the complete absence of his childhood nickname. “Really. Fuck you.” A mirthless laugh escaped him. “God, I knew! I knew you were a cruel piece of shit but this really-this really takes the cake, huh?” Izuku’s eyes were wide and despite the tears that were streaming down his face, he looked downright terrifying. “Do you even know what it’s like? Do you even know what it’s been like to have to deal with every single thing every single day?! I break my bones every goddamn day, I have to convince myself to move my body again every goddamn morning, I have to shoulder every damn burden that comes with being the sole heir to the number one hero every single day. Because nobody else received the honor of becoming the protege of the Symbol of Peace. An honor that I have to fight to prove I deserved every single day!” Izuku’s voice was tumultuous as his expression, every ounce of frustration and tiredness and anger he had repressed for so long as clear as day. “Oh, wait, sorry—former number one hero, because you took care of that, right? Huh, Kacchan?” Bakugou shrunk down on himself, eyes widening.
“And you know what else I do every single day?” This time Izuku took a step forward as Katsuki took one back. “I have to deal with you. Every single moment of my life. It’s always been about you! I worshipped you, ya’ know?! I wanted to be you, I wanted to be as strong as you, as cool as you. Fuck you, Bakugou, I just wanted to be your friend!!” His eyes screwed shut, and his shoulders raised, like he was either trying to shrink down on himself or wind himself up to strike, “and you fucking ruined me! What if I did, huh?! What if I did jump off that roof?!” Katsuki started shaking his head but Izuku kept going, voice rising to a shriek. “God, maybe that’d be the better option, huh?! No more stupid, little, quirkless, useless, defenseless, weak Deku, right?! Right?! Maybe it would be better! At least I wouldn’t have to spend everyday looking you in the face! At least I wouldn’t have to spend every day sacrificing my life, my health, my sanity just to chase some shitty pipe dream that was handed to me! I—“
His throat caught on a sob and he hunched over, fists clenched and tears still borderline suffocating him. “I hurt myself every day! It all just hurts so, so much. Why the fuck did it have to be you?” Izuku looked up to make eye contact with the now trembling Katsuki. “What did I ever do to you? I-you-you were everything to me… and you ruined that. I’m so tired of saying it’s not your fault because fuck you, Kacchan, it’s all your fault! I hated being alive for so long because of you! Back in middle school I already decided, if I hadn’t made it into U.A. that that’d be it. Because I already knew that you’d get in because of course you would, you’re Bakugou fucking Katsuki, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing my entire life was pointless! I had nobody…! And now that I do, you have the audacity to try and bring them into this? What the hell is wrong with you?” They stayed silent for a beat, Katsuki leaving his rhetorical question unanswered. Izuku’s tears were finally starting to dry up, leaving his expression blank even as he stared the blonde in the eye. His shorter height doing nothing to disarm his sudden looming presence.
Katsuki’s mouth went dry. “De-Midoriya,” he internally cursed himself for stuttering so pitifully, “l-listen, I’m sor—”
“Don’t start going around calling me Midoriya now. We’re long past that, Kacchan.” Izuku’s fist started curling around the fabric of Katsuki’s collar, his voice sinking to a dangerously calm tone, “You remember that one time we fought, right? After the training camp? I was only using 8% of my power back then… let’s see how you fare again at 20? Hm?” A scarred palm met Katsuki’s shoulder as he tilted his head slightly with a straight face.
At the familiar situation of the threat of a fight, a small spark of confidence filled Katsuki and he grabbed Izuku’s wrist, the other one held clenched by his side. “Fine, fucking Deku. I fucked up, okay?! I know! And I’m so goddamn sorry! It was so stupid of me, and I’m—I regret it! I regret everything—” Katsuki just now realized he was tearing up, and his voice was growing even more hoarse with the catch that was stuck in his throat. Izuku’s intense stare remained trained on him, eyebrows furrowed and mouth set into a grimace. Katsuki’s breath slightly quickened at the visceral and terrifying swirl of both hurt and pure, unadulterated anger within his eyes.
“I’d like to believe you, Kacchan, but I really don’t think I can.”
And with that, Midoriya calmly let go of his shirt. It was only now that Bakugou noticed the green lightning that had been swirling around the smaller’s hands and arms as it started to flicker out. The air between them—now no longer charged with the electric tension of things left unsaid—fell dead. Silent. It unsettled Bakugou more than when Midoriya had yelled at him in the first place. A different type of terror dawned on him, wound its way in his chest, restricting his breathing, turning his stomach heavy, and a small cold feeling leadened his body.
He could lose Deku.
Midoriya walked out without another word or even a glance. If Bakugou looked closely he could see tears starting to fall down Midoriya’s face once again, but it’s not like he could really see anything himself due to his own that were clouding his vision. Bakugou’s hands shook as he raised them up to his head to cover his ears, eyes squeezing shut and taking shuddering breaths to try and desperately calm himself down before he had to head back to the dorms. He knew what everybody would say once he got back, he knew what dreams he’d have tonight, he knew that he had irreparably ruined something once again. And for once Bakugou Katsuki could admit one thing to himself:
He was scared.