Work Text:
[11:47PM 11/19/18] There are dreams, scattered throughout the hours of a day like ink splatter. They bleed into each other, one dream continuing on to the next, as if divided into segments. In each one: a crater lake. And in its milky blue, turquoise waters: a body.
[11:59PM 11/19/18] I dream of pulling your body out of the lake, its presence a proof of mercy from a foreign god we’ve both never heard of until today.
[12:03AM 11/20/18] It tells me this: In Averno, I can see you again. I wonder if you want to be seen. If you want saving. If you want me wanting you.
[01:02AM 11/20/18] Call me back, lover.
[03:43AM 11/20/18] I keep waking up in the middle of the night. I suspect my calling you ‘lover’ is beginning to fill me with regret. In the event that you love me, let me know.
[03:50AM 11/20/18] Perhaps this is an invitation for a ruination. Although, it does nothing to frighten me.
[05:16AM 11/20/18] Are the kids alright? I’m sorry, you must think I’m far more terrible than you call me out to be. But I promise I care. And the thing is: you know that I do.
[10:28AM 11/20/18] My dreams tell me that you are dead. It’s not that I do not have faith in you. It’s that I have so much of it in me. Here, I manage to pull your body out of the lake. You retain your color, a warm undertone to your skin. You look good. Never been better.
[10:30AM 11/20/18] For the briefest moment, you open your eyes and in them, I see the life I knew, but also, the shadow of the one I’ve yet to come to terms with.
[12:42PM 11/20/18] What truth is worth that sweet monotony of looking into the eyes of your dead dream lover’s self?
[03:05PM 11/20/18] Attention is the first step towards devotion. I remember gnawing at its bone, tonguing it clean so that it’s pearly white, and thoroughly perused. I remember looking to my right and there you were. To my left and there you were again. Towards the ceiling of the entrance to your condominium building where the fluorescent tube lamp casts an orange glow in my line of vision, the memory of you, the sensation of you, latching onto my mind and grazing my skin, inhabiting my space.
[03:13PM 11/20/18] I think about placement and attraction, magnetization; aesthetics. I ponder: do we like something because it is there? Do we like it because it is convenient? Do we like it because it is inherently beautiful?
[03:17PM 11/20/18] I am tired of explaining why I want what I want. Desire is a sacred language and I have always been faithful.
[04:29PM 11/20/18] I am a wax-winged worshipper and you are the sun that sets me on fire.
[07:38PM 11/20/18] I hope one day I can imagine dancing in the kitchen with someone other than you.
[02:32AM 11/21/18] We haven’t finished watching that film yet, haven’t we?
[02:35AM 11/21/18] As long as the film continues, I love you, I love you, I love you.