Work Text:
Ever wondered sometimes how the rain affects you the way it didn’t before? The way it doesn’t affect anyone else? How every single drop that hits you (or the window) feel like it’s piercing down through you, cooling the anger, the fear, the sorrow that is trying to swallow you as a whole?
For by-passers, it’s just precipitation, a natural cycle of water. But for Namjoon, it was Taehyung. It was his love, his soul. The petrichor was his evidence of holding something precious close to his heart. The moments before the rain poured down heavily to grace the soil, the drizzles, it was the walks in the park he used to go for with the younger, held tight in his arms, close to him, bundled in each other’s warmth.
All those feelings rushed to him as he stood there, his hand on the doorknob of Café SoPe, contemplating whether everything he did was to reach this point in time and space. Memories of those rainy days, fondling him in an unapproachable trance.
He was hit by the fresh aroma of coffee and baked bread as he opened the door, escaping from the downpour of rain outside. As he entered, the bell chimed to indicate the arrival of a customer. Shaking the umbrella to get rid of the raindrops, he approaches a table. The usual spot, their safe space. As he takes his seat, something tugs his heart, the truth, the reality . The muffled noise of rain is sharper than it sounds, at least for Namjoon. Even the warmth of the café failed to calm his racing heart as it usually does. He stared at the bustling street in the rain through the window as he placed his head on the glass window, the cold racing through him, the only voice that was recorded in his head being his heavy sigh.
“Namjoon? Can I bring you something, or should I wait till Tae joins you?” Hoseok asks with clear concern in his eyes, bringing back Namjoon from the trance, stopping his train of thoughts. Namjoon called Hoseok this morning to give him a heads-up that he and Taehyung will be visiting. To talk. About them. And like the amazing brother that he is, Hoseok cannot be not concerned. After all, this was the same cafe that held a lot of memories of them.
“I will wait,” Namjoon says, his voice low, as he gives a slight bow.
Shifting a little on the couch, Namjoon goes back to the bliss of his trance in the rain as Hoseok leaves, asking nothing more. The petrichor tries to reach him through the cracks of the window and fondle his cheeks and envelop him to provide warmth. The warmth he felt at the moment he laid his eyes on the most beautiful human he had ever met, the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen, the most beautiful smile he had ever been welcomed with. Kim Taehyung.
🌧
2 Years Ago,
“So you're telling me that even after all the scientific observations, experiments, imaging, and literal people going up into the frikin space and seeing the earth, round as it is, geoid to be specific, it's flat?” Namjoon asks with the biggest frown anyone could ever muster, to which Seokjin simply shrugs and huffs with a,
“The photographs could be photoshopped. One big agenda to fool the world and make us their puppets. So, yes”
“unbelievable!” Namjoon slumps his shoulders in defeat as if he could never convince Seokjin that, in fact, the earth is round, geoid to be specific, and proceeds to gulp down his entire cup of coffee, burning his tongue in the process.
“Why are you doing this?” Jimin whispers in Seokjin’s ears, holding in his laughter, making sure Namjoon doesn’t hear them.
“It’s nice to annoy him.” A wink and a high-five under the table conveys the plot.
Despite the unflattering dad jokes and giggles from the duo, Namjoon dives back into his sea of literature. Only to be distracted by the chiming of the bell on the door. ‘A glance and back to reading’ is what his brain repeated, but oh did the brain know what to expect?
A young man, wearing a brown trench coat on top of a white t-shirt and brown pants paired with a green scarf tied around his neck, is entering the café, struggling to bring in the umbrella with him, escaping the hell of a storm outside. Namjoon doubts the long black hair covering their eyes is of any use.
But he could swear he saw stars aligning themselves around the young man, creating a bright aura around him despite the dull and gloomy atmosphere. Every simple movement the other man did was fascinating to him. The way he moved, the way his lips did when he spoke to a man whom Namjoon fails to notice, the way his long eyelashes kept batting every 2 seconds, the other’s stance as his eyes wandered through the café to find an empty seat, the way he strode, radiating a powerful and demanding aura, but with a soft smile, eyes crinkling, the smile growing into a box-shaped marvel as he walked towards Yoongi behind the counter who was helping Jungkook brew the coffee who started that day, to greet him.
Namjoon is jerked awake from spacing out when Jimin announces that he is leaving, and Namjoon curses himself for sparing Jimin his precious 2 seconds because he lost the other man, and the café was getting crowded, and he wasn't able to ask Yoongi about them, whom Namjoon will be referring to as the avatar of the god.
🌧
Rain is something that never ceased to amaze Namjoon. He describes each drop as a little verse of a poem written by the sky to earth. Filled with love, passion, and desire. He loved getting wet in those poems, a solace bestowed by the sky.
Now, as he waited in that tiny bus stop for the bus back home amidst the heavy rain pattering against the roof, he warmed himself by hugging his shoulders and rubbing circles on his arms. Having half an hour to kill before the next bus arrives, he sat on the cold seat, wondering if he was going to catch a cold.
“I am gonna catch a cold soon,” as if the lord of illness was summoned, he sneezes on cue.
“fuck” he sniffs and shivers lightly. Taking his coat off, he squeezed the water out of it and was attempting to dry his hair when he felt someone crash onto him and knock him off his feet.
Literally... He falls on his back with the other person on top of him.
“What the-” his eyes widen when he notices the familiar brown irises staring at him, the same eyes that he saw in the café 2 days back. The owner of them panting uncontrollably, heavy droplets of water dripping from his already wet hair and face. His teeth chattered in the cold.
But Namjoon feels hot. Blush formed on his cheeks because of the compromising position he was put in. But before his poetic brain could capture all the details of the man who held wonders and galaxies in his eyes staring at him, the galaxy man pushes himself away in a hurry, apologizing for being careless.
“Oh… no, it's okay, no... no injuries. It's fine.” Right at that moment, Namjoon simply knew that he was that idiot… who fell in love. With an idiotic smile plastered on his face, all sheepish and weird, his dimples probably deeper than usual.
“Still, I am sorry... uh...” the galaxy man pauses
“Joon, Umm Namjoon”
“I am Taehyung”
Oh, what a pretty name, Taehyung.
His mind races through all the explanations of how beautiful the name fits the young man in front of him, staring like a lost puppy.
“I didn’t mean to crash into you just like that, I’m sorry,” Taehyung says guilt-faced.
Taehyung is stopped from uttering any other word when suddenly he closes his mouth and snaps his head towards a distant noise, and his eyes widen. He grabs Namjoon’s wrist tightly and sprints. Despite not knowing what is going on, Namjoon yields to the other man’s motives and manages to keep up with the pace.
Smitten is a weak word at this point
They keep running and running with Taehyung glancing back every 3 seconds. Namjoon, who was following his gaze, finds out that someone was indeed chasing them. The rain poured onto them more heavily each moment, and they managed several tricks to lose the chaser and enter the dark, narrow path made by two adjacent buildings. Space barely managed to fit two of them, so now they were chest to chest, breathing, panting onto each other. But safe from the rain at least.
Their eyes suddenly lock, and for a moment, it felt like the world stopped. The raindrops hovered in the sky; no other voices reached their ears except the beating of their hearts. Namjoon’s eyes sauntered through Taehyung’s face, picking up every single detail of it. His eyes capture all the attention. Slightly asymmetrical, a monolid and double lid, long, pretty eyelashes fluttering, gaze sharp as a knife but at the same time soft as a fluffy pillow. The brown irises were now radiating a golden tinge, creating a magical complexion.
Time starts running again when they hear the sudden cry of a man, for both of them to go silent, not even breathing, but a tiny smile of mischief crawling onto both of their lips. Finally, when they knew that the man had left, they broke out into light laughter.
“Who was that?” Namjoon asks as his laughter dies down.
“This guy used to follow me around to ask me out on a date. Managed to slip in some laxatives in his lunch box. Got caught,” Taehyung replies with no hint of regret in his words except for a mischievous grin.
“Well, remind me not to get into your enemy list,” Namjoon chortles.
“Sure,” Taehyung manages to reply between his giggles. The laugh is so beautiful that Namjoon can write 100’s of poems just describing the voice, which was as soft as velvet, eyes creating the shape of a crescent moon shining brighter than Sirius A. The boxy smile can cure any pain.
It took the rain a few minutes to calm down, the muddy water puddles, the sound of water dripping, and the sound of vehicles splashing as they sped through.
“Shall we head out then?” Taehyung asks Namjoon (who was gaping at him like he held the entire universe in his body), grinning with a knowing look.
“Yeah, yeah, sure,” Namjoon stutters a little, his hands wandering everywhere in awkwardness. Taehyung steps out of the gap and breaths in the fresh cold air, and with a big smile starts walking, only to be stopped by Namjoon
“Taehyung!!” Namjoon calls out, too awkward and shy as the golden-brown irises stared at him. Rubbing his nape, looking anywhere but Taehyung, he asks,
“Wouldyougooutwithmeonadate?” he mutters all quick. Taehyung shakes his head as he smiles and replies
“I need you to slow down, Joon-”
Shit, he called me Joon?
“I did not understand one word that you said. Slow down and tell me again. and look at me as you say it. I promise I don’t bite." Taehyung gives him an assuring smile. Well, lo behold, harnessing all the confidence he could, Namjoon proceeds
“Would you, Taehyung, go out with me, Namjoon, on a date?” Namjoon motions as if he is in a drama, with a prideful grin
“sure” Taehyung nods.
“Sure? That’s it? Just like that?” Namjoon is a little shocked by how easy it went
“Yep, just like that.” Taehyung winks at him as a confirmation hint.
♡
“…oon… Joon... Kim Namjoon!!” Namjoon is suddenly shaken by Yoongi tapping on the table.
“You space out a lot, did you know that?” Yoongi speaks with no care as he drops the menu card on the table.
“Sorry ...”
“Taehyung...” Yoongi points to the doorway and leaves, giving him a gentle squeeze on the shoulders to calm him.
It’s weird to Namjoon, the first time he saw Taehyung walking through that door, he felt heavenly, he felt as if he was floating amidst the clouds in a pink-tinged white and golden sky filled with glitter and sparkles. But now, as Taehyung entered the café all weary and dull, his heart and body ached.
“Hey Joon,” Taehyung greets in a low voice, taking off his coat, he sits across Namjoon, fiddles with his fingers, and gives a quick smile. The first time Taehyung called Namjoon ‘Joon’, Namjoon couldn’t explain the way his stomach fluttered with butterflies. And even now he fails to explain how the butterflies died inside him to a point where the younger’s ‘Joon’ did nothing to him.
“Hey, Tae,” Namjoon greeted back, his smile hesitating to reach his eyes. His eyes followed the younger’s movements as he sat opposite him, getting comfortable and adjusting his coat.
“The weather is too sad today.” Taehyung sighs.
“Yeah, the forecast says there will be a storm.” Both of them nod to it, and then silence fills the air as the voice of strangers, the clinking of glasses, the laughter from the group of people sitting 2 tables behind them, the cry of the toddler 3 seats beside them, the chiming of the bell, and the temporary noise of the pattering rain fills in.
“H-how are you?” Taehyung breaks the silence, his fingers fiddling with the hem of the tablecloth.
“Fine, I guess. Work has been taunting me. Project and deadlines. Yeah...” Namjoon mumbled. “You?” he probed.
“Me too.” Taehyung faltered, “The internship is a pain in the ass, but I am managing.”
“Good,” Namjoon nods.
“I hope this was not a bad day to arrange this … this meeting.” Taehyung hesitated
“It could be worse. After all, dragging this talk is only gonna hurt us even more.”
“Would you like to order?” Jungkook’s voice breaks in the heaviness, and Namjoon thanks his friend in silence, conveyed by a smile which he returns.
“Yeah, one flat white and Tae for you…”
“Iced Americano,” he smiles
Namjoon frowns at that and places the order despite his confusion, and thanks Jungkook.
“When did you start drinking Iced Americano? Besides its raining, thought you needed something warm.”
“I have had the worst in my life. An iced Americano on a rainy day is not gonna affect me badly, Namjoon.”
If Taehyung calling him ‘Joon’ this day inflicted pain in his heart, the sudden change to ‘Namjoon’ was agony.
The silence is killing Namjoon. Despite the loud rumbling of the thunder outside and the crowd in the café, the silence is louder in his ears. They sit through the clutches of silence for a long time. Their coffees were on the table, and they each took a sip.
“ I was the one who called you, and I really don’t know how to start this.” Taehyung chuckled, but his smile did not reach his eyes. A mask, Namjoon supposes, to cover the pain.
“It’s okay. I don’t think there is much to talk about. It’s just... we have been thinking of this, for a long time...” Namjoon hesitated. “We just have to say it out loud and clear the storm inside us,” he finished, pursing his lips.
The storm outside keeps trying to wake the bitter memories in Namjoon’s head, but a sweet memory clings to it, and his lips start twitching into a smile as he savors the sweetness.
🌧
“Sunny and clear day, bullshit!” Namjoon complained as he took off his coat and boots, drenched in the heavy rain.
“Don’t always rely on the forecast, Joon.” Taehyung shook his head and smiled, closing the door to Namjoon’s apartment.
The couple had decided to go for a picnic in the nearby park, but unfortunately, it had to be cut short due to an uninvited guest (yes, rain).
It was the first time for Taehyung in Namjoon’s apartment. Little bonsai decorating the windowsill, the thumb paintings placed on the wall, multiple Polaroid pictures hung from the ceiling, the tiny light decorations hung around the apartment, and the neatly arranged books on the shelf fascinated Taehyung. While he was distracted by the apartment, Namjoon takes a quick shower and returned.
“Tae, you go take a shower. I will make some tea,” he urges the younger.
Namjoon was always teased for his cooking skills, but it is not a secret that he makes the best tea out of all 7 of them. Jimin used to say that Namjoon’s tea shop could outsell Café SoPe, and Namjoon indeed took pride in it. Mind happy and heart warm, knowing the presence of Taehyung in the apartment, he hummed to some song that played on the radio downstairs in their neighbor’s house.
Serving the tea in tiny floral printed teacups, placing them neatly on the round table near the balcony, paired with some homemade chocolate cookies (perfect for the weather), Namjoon waits for him.
He waited for Taehyung, looking at the street sunk in the rain, a dimpled smile accompanied as his heart sang happy songs. But he grew restless, his mind pondered over something happening in the shower.
Did he fall? Did the bidet break again? Omg, did the hot water supply stop, and now Taehyung is frozen to death?
His impatient mind was drawn towards the bedroom Taehyung was in. He raised his hands to knock,
“Tae-oof!”
Before he could, the door opened, resulting in Namjoon losing his balance and falling over Taehyung.
For 3 seconds, they lay there collecting their thoughts, and Namjoon immediately lifts his head and body, placing his hands on Taehyung’s either side to apologize, to which Taehyung simply laughs.
“It's only fair that you knock me down when I did the same to you the first time we met,” he teased.
The light laughter dies down gradually. Namjoon slowly traced Taehyung’s face with his eyes, picking up every little detail like he always does, of the human, no… angel that was in front of him, well technically under. As opposite poles attract, their faces drew closer. Namjoon’s cheeks flushed red as he noticed Taehyung’s gaze shifting to his lips.
The next thing he knew was their lips crashing, light and slow, just a peck but with care.
“Strawberry,” Namjoon breathes.
“My favorite flavour,” Taehyung smiles into the kiss as Namjoon thrusts forward and kisses the younger, now a little harder but not in a rush. He shifts his weight onto the floor, his lips not leaving Taehyung’s, and holds his cheeks in his palm as he kisses deeper. Tiny moans and little kissing sounds accompanied now that there was tongue involved.
Taehyung's hands explored Namjoon’s hot skin under his shirt, leaning into the kiss as Namjoon lifted both of them. They break the kiss, panting, to collect some air, a thread of saliva connecting their lips.
They don’t realize who initiated it or said what, but they find themselves in the comfort of Namjoon’s bed, unbuttoning each other’s shirts in a hurry as they planted kisses on the jawline, neck, and earlobes.
“You want to slow down?” Namjoon suddenly breaks their heated make-out session. It was their first time, and he didn’t want Taehyung to regret any second of it.
“I want you, Namjoon,” Taehyung says, his eyes closed and hands in a tight grip on Namjoon’s shirt
♡
Outside, the rain fell harder with every successive second, the dirt washed off the ground, and the rumbling of the thunder echoed.
“Remember our first fight?” Namjoon flicked at that question.
“We were 5 to 6 months into our relationship?”
That day is clear in Namjoon’s head as if it happened yesterday.
🌧
“Kim Taehyung, where the hell were you?” Namjoon hissed.
“Why the fuck weren’t you replying to my messages and the calls? I was scared to death, Tae. I thought I did something wrong. That I might have said something that made you uncomfortable.” He sighed.
“Then I debated with myself whether I should talk to you about how I felt when you stopped messaging all of a sudden. Because a part of my brain said, ‘it’s okay, he might be busy,’ I just didn’t want to ruin our relationship over something silly,” he said with a wretched voice.
“Joon, I... I just needed some space,” Taehyung said, rubbing his palms as he sat on the settee helplessly.
“Then you could have told me.” Namjoon falters, tears welling in his eyes. He takes a step forward and crouches, taking Taehyung’s hands in his.
“Remember the day we decided to take our relationship a step further? We promised to communicate properly. If something is bothering us, we will talk the shit out. And I know it is difficult to bare your heart to someone. But that doesn’t mean that ignoring me, but still catching up with your friends, is any good. When you were having your desired ‘space,’ I was here scared, hurt, and broken.”
“I didn’t want to pester you with questions like ‘are you okay?’ ‘wanna go out’ ‘where are you’ because even I considered the thought that you might be needing some space with all the shit that’s happening. But you having time for others when you clearly didn’t have any for me was what hurt me the most.”
“One word just... one...” he sobbed.
Tears that he managed to hold back until then started flowing down Namjoon’s cheeks. Namjoon didn’t want to cry; he was angry because he was hurt. He wanted to shout at Taehyung. He didn’t want to cry and show himself as a weak person. But now that he was crying with his hands over his face, he realizes that crying is not a sign of weakness. It's a strength. It is the symbol of endurance and pride. It is the freedom of truth and honesty he willfully bore. His heart aches as if his ribs were squeezing tighter, feeling congested. He felt every single heartbeat of his in his ears because it hurt. Every breath he took was so cold and made his insides burn. Every shuddering breath he exhaled brought more tears with it.
“Yeah, you were fucked up with your project and family issues, and I just ...” Namjoon paused, hesitating.
“I am glad that you just answered all your questions, but I would have preferred it to happen before you charged at me,” Taehyung says evenly.
“Joon, I didn’t need any affection or romantic love at the time. Just friends. If I were with you, we would have done more, but I didn’t need that.” Taehyung says his voice is as low as a whisper.
“I know. I’m sorry. I ... I was confused. Thought love was all about being there for someone every time. But now I realize that it's also about giving space and time.”
It's also about letting go; he doesn’t say.
“It's okay, even great minds like The Kim Namjoon can also be confused.” Taehyung smiles, a soft one, which warms Namjoon’s heart.
♡
The mist-covered window glass created patterns that Taehyung traced to form a heart.
“Love is really a confusing concept, isn’t it?” Taehyung asks with a light chuckle to mask the apparent pain inflicted by the mere utterance of the word, love.
“You want it, but once you get it, you are not sure how to handle it. You get confused and doubt if you are worth it.” Taehyung continues, his palms sweating, rubbing his knuckles, his eyes brimming.
He doesn’t dare take a single glance at Namjoon. Staring down at his half-done Iced Americano, he takes in a deep breath. Releasing a shuddering breath, he now stares at the worn-out human being sitting right in front of him. Dark circles visible clearly, broken hearts felt so close.
“Not gonna lie, the make-up sex was so good.” Taehyung chuckled lightly as he took a sip from his iced americano
“Bitter as always,” he frowned at the glass.
“Where did we go wrong, Joon?”
“If you or I knew the answer for that, we wouldn’t have been here, maybe, but at least we wouldn’t be stuck in this suffocating cloud.” Namjoon lies back on the couch, sinking deep, making himself small.
Sighing heavily, Taehyung stared through the glass window at the dark clouds forming outside, indicating a storm.
Oh, how his heart hurts, by the storm raging inside him.
Neither the phenomenon nor the literal expression can express how much his heart yearns for survival from this pain. His eyes trace along the drops falling onto the glass as he feels a drop of tear tracing the same path through his cheeks.
“Love is beyond what we can express.”
“Huh?” Taehyung is brought back from his trance when Namjoon speaks.
“Love… it… it is beyond what a mere human like me or you can express. We define it, in a way, but it’s beyond the capability of literature. Each person perceives love in their own way. And it has a beauty of its own.” Namjoon now dared to look at Taehyung, tearing his eyes from the cup of coffee, gone all cold.
If Taehyung truly wished for something, it would be not seeing what he is seeing right now. The elder’s eyes all red, eye bags clearly visible, eyes filled with sorrow, fear, disappointment, and heartbreak. He can hear his heart beating faster every moment and the pain piercing through his chest. Maybe he can feel the elder’s heart trying to leap out, struggling to cut the ropes trying to tether themselves to this painful sorrow of letting go. Maybe it’s just him.
A multitude of questions clouds his brain, looking for answers. But are all of them meant to be answered? Will answering them change anything?
“You and your philosophies,” Taehyung snickered.
“You know what?” he continues, “people say that you never fall out of love. You are either in love with the person forever, or you were not really in love with that person at all, to begin with.” Taehyung smiles at the absurdity of the words that came out of his mouth.
“Then what was between us, Joon? What were we?” he gestures at them vaguely, too weak to move.
Taehyung looks at Namjoon, tears welling in his red eyes, biting his lower lip, trying to suppress the incoming cry, trying to hide his sadness with a smile, the same boxy one that Namjoon treasured.
Oh, the pain that smile exudes now. Namjoon would never forgive himself for that. He wants to hold the younger's hand and calm him. Maybe comfort him, pat his back, and tell him it's gonna be okay. But that would be a lie. He doesn't want to be a hypocrite. His heart hurts just as much as Taehyung's does. He wants to hold onto something.
Anything, anything that would give him hope, anything that would save them. But to be honest, there were none. They knew.
Taehyung gently moves Namjoon’s cup of coffee towards him and takes a small sip.
“You like them bitter, don’t you, as always.” A small smile of reminiscence crawling through Taehyung’s lips makes the whole situation a little less unbearable and a little less painful for Namjoon.
"Were we caught in a lie of love? for 2 years? Was it worth it?"
"Tae..."
"No, Joon. I need to know this. I, I just can't get my head out of this. This pain, it hurts me. I want to get out of this shit hole. But I need an answer. Why are we here?"
Taehyung couldn't hold it anymore. He broke out in tears. They kept flowing as he sputtered incoherent words, and every tear was evident enough to show that it was not meant to be the words of joy.
“We jumped to conclusions with no introspection, not bothering about the consequences,” Taehyung manages to say between his sniffles. He did not wail; his palms muffled the whines.
He didn't mind the fact that they were in a cafe with strangers around them. Taking glances at them, frowning, maybe wondering why a young man is wailing at 4 in the evening.
“Tae…” Namjoon whispers as he rubs circles on the back of Taehyung’s palm. Taehyung missed this. His hands settled in the warmth of Namjoon's soft and big ones. It does the trick as always and manages to calm him down.
Namjoon moves next to Taehyung, positioning himself to bring him closer and gives an awkward but comforting hug, and rubs his hands on Taehyung’s arm, and relaxes when the younger’s sobs calm down.
Memories are funny when the timing of them flashing in your mind isn’t accurate. The laughs of Taehyung filling the Cafe air when Hoseok spilled coffee all over him is not bringing him solace but regret, a sense of loss.
Memories of the stolen kisses in the storage room are not making him laugh and smile in love. An emotional numbness, he would call it, grief, his brain provided.
“What if Yoongi Hyung finds us here?” Taehyung speaks into the kiss, managing to hold back his laughter at the mischief they were up to.
“Umm.. he might make me wash all the dishes, I don't mind,” he winks and leans to kiss Taehyung’s nose.
“What did I do to deserve you?” Namjoon gazed at Taehyung, his eyes brimming with love.
“Well, you missed the bus, and I slipped laxatives in my stalker's lunch. Destiny, I would say,” they both break into light chuckles.
“Kim Taehyung, I Love You.”
“Kim Namjoon, I Love You too.”
“I love you one.” Namjoon kisses Taehyung’s right cheek .
"I love you two,” now the left cheek
"I love you three,” and he gently presses a kiss on the soft lips, which are almost sore with all the hard kisses. Each time he did that, Taehyung grew redder and redder.
Taehyung grabs Namjoon by his collar, bringing him very close to “I love you...” and places multiple kisses all over his face, his ears, counting in between but losing the count at one point and stopping at the lips, pressing harder than Namjoon, deep and slow with passion and stopping when both of them were out of breath.
“.... I couldn't keep the count.” Taehyung places his head on Namjoon’s wide chest and releases a sigh of relief and safety, curling his hands around Namjoon’s waist and hugging him tightly, nuzzling on his shoulder. Namjoon hugging him tighter.
They were wrong to believe this would be forever, then. But then, gradually, they realized whatever was between them was not going to work anymore when they noticed that they shouted curses at each other more than words of love. Reaching a point where they exasperate themselves just by being in others’ mere presence, and every other day, they would try to rip each other's heads off for one or another reason.
The memory that Taehyung detested rushed in his brain, making him nauseous, the day when everything started falling apart for real, when all the frustration and anger broke out of him, making him blind towards the truth. When the flame blew up to a raging fire.
🌧
“Oh, no, Tae, this is not what you think it is."
“Then what the heck is this?! Namjoon, I trusted you. Whatever the fuck was going on between us, I still trusted you, but you-"
“Tae let me explain."
“I don't want your explanation. I should have just left you alone that day. When you told me to go to hell.”
There, Taehyung just left, drenched in the rain. He didn't spare a glance at Namjoon, just walked, walked through the streets, the park, the highways. He walked, walked, and walked, until his legs wore him out, the pain raging through his muscles; he walked without a destination set in his mind. He doesn't want to believe what he saw; he doesn't want to read between the lines; his brain is lying, he knows it, but a part of his brain wants to believe the lie despite knowing the truth. The sharp raindrops hit him hard, his eyes are burning, and his heart is aching. Letting out incoherent words of comfort and sobbing, he trod in the heavy and loud rain, shivering, the random rumbling of thunder giving him chills.
The trench coat lay heavy on him, but it did not deter him from wandering in the storm. Nearing an open and empty space, his pace picked up, he ran, his legs trying to stop him but him not giving up, he fell knee down and let out a loud cry that was muffled with his palms covering his mouth, his tears becoming one with the rain.
His face red, eyes burning red, trying to wipe off the snot and tears, he stood up, falling the first two times, his face sunk in the muddy puddle. He wants to give up at this point. But he can't avoid the consequences; he will have to go back home.
Home
He doesn't know what it means now. What is home? Is there one to go back to? All this time, the home slowly degraded and began turning into a burning hell, leaving no trace of the once-haven.
No.
He will go back. Picking himself up, wiping the dirt off him, he walks back. The rain calming down, the cold breeze made him shiver. He is limping; the pain and anger made him not notice it before, but now he does. Every material object and feeling pierce through him, pulling him back into reality. He doesn't have enough energy to scream. He loathes himself for believing lies rather than the truth, but that doesn't stop him, though.
Standing in front of their ‘home,’ he contemplates ringing the bell, the arguments, the screams, the pain, the ache; everything is inevitable. His hands folded up and down, hesitating, but finally gave in.
“Oh my god, Tae! What the fuck? I was so worried.” A worried Namjoon opens the door, his black hair wet, maybe he tried chasing Taehyung down the streets, losing him, and decided to stay back home waiting to return.
"Joon, please." Taehyung pushes himself in, his body left with no energy.
“No, Tae, we need to talk."
"What?” Taehyung glares at Namjoon, red and puffy eyes, in anger and disappointment.
Don’t do it, Taehyung, you know it’s not the truth, don’t believe your brain, believe Joon, please don’t do anything stupid, don’t tell anything more, Taehyung, stop please stop please please plea-
“What exactly? Whatever I just saw isn't what it is? So, I was just imagining the hug? The way you looked at whoever the fuck that was, like they hung the fucking stars in the sky. Joon, I am not stupid.”
“Tae, stop overanalyzing the situation- come in first”.
He closes the door and lets Tae inside, hands him a towel, only resulting in a rejection.
"Leave me alone for a few minutes, please." Taehyung pushes Namjoon away, with some force that Namjoon almost stumbles.
Namjoon quickly grabs Taehyung’s wrist, to which Taehyung winces a little, so Namjoon loosens his grip, voice a little low but words a little loud and harsh. Namjoon speaks,
“You got your ‘few minutes’ walking through the damn rain, Tae. Now give me a moment.”
“Why the hell should I?” Taehyung scoffs at the absurdity that the elder just spat.
“Oh my god, Tae, you are incorrigible.” Namjoon snarled, running his hands through his hair
“Am I now?” Taehyung hisses.
“Yes, you are...” Namjoon snaps.
“...you don't even let me explain myself !! I would never, ever hurt you, Taehyung, and you know that. More than anyone, even me.” Namjoon speaks, his voice quavering.
Yes, Joon, I do.
♡
Words? Those simple consonants and vowels weaved together to make simple phrases and sentences, why were they so difficult right now? He used to make poems in ease when showering the younger with words of praise, comfort, and ...and love. But now he couldn't even muster the energy to make coherent thoughts to utter a word. His tongue was tied down to his throat.
His inner self wants to hold onto the younger, so tight and not let anything separate them, but one of his personas keeps repeating to himself, “It’s for the best.”
"It's for the best."
"Is it really?"
"Joon-"
"No, I... I am not gonna tell you that I am fine, but I will be, not overnight. I need time, and so do you. Even I want this to end on good terms, Tae, not in some shitty way. Both of us know why we are here. We do love each other, still now, forever, but the love that we have now for each other cannot be defined as romantic. We took a different turn. It's going to be awkward for a few days, with our friends and family. But I am more than sure that we will be okay. Time. That's what we need."
"I know. I can understand. We should have talked more, you know? Communication.”
Taehyung frees himself from Namjoon's hold, so they both position themselves comfortably on their seats and let out a chuckle to mask his pain and regret when he says this. Could they have saved their relationship if they had sat and talked it out? Maybe, but now it’s too late, it's beyond repair.
The guilt hung around his heart like an anchor weighing him down.
“We took our breaks, gave each other enough space to think. Apologized multiple times, but still, it’s always back to square one, and I seriously don’t know what to do anymore.”
Namjoon sniffs.
“I know you will be regretting all of these that happened, for the coming few days. But Tae.. don’t.” Namjoon extends his hand, but carefully; he doesn’t want Taehyung to feel obliged to hold his hand or feel uncomfortable. It's the last thing he wants the other to feel now.
But to his relief, Taehyung grabs his hand.
“...we did what we could,” he pats Taehyung’s hands and looks at him.
“When our relationship was falling apart bit by bit, we tried to stick it back together, we tried to hold onto the broken pieces. But… I...I guess we are not just meant to be.”
Those final words tasted bitter, it pierced his heart deeply and fiercely.
“I hope we can at least be good friends. You are an incredible person, and I can’t lose you just like that, Joon” Taehyung says with his voice low as a whisper.
He made himself small as he said that, his gaze suddenly shifted to the elder who squeezed his trembling hands in assurance. That sense of safety back in him. It feels different now. But the light of hope and safety shone nonetheless.
“The feeling is mutual, Tae,” he flashes a faint smile.
The eerie silence is suddenly broken by the ping of Taehyung’s phone. Glancing at it for a second, Taehyung excused himself.
“I guess that’s me. My boss wants me to be in the office in an hour. Gotta catch the next bus if I wanna reach there in this weather.”
“Yeah,” Namjoon replies dryly, his voice shaking.
“See you around, I guess. Take care,” he presents a smile that does not reach his eyes.
“Joon... I- ‘ll miss you.”
“Me too.”
Taehyung gives Namjoon a weak smile and rises from the cushion, dusting his coat and wearing them.
“Is there something on my bum?” he asks in a serious and calm tone.
“The only thing on your bum is hotness,” Namjoon replies cheekily.
“Well, Kim Namjoon, you’re right about that,” they both chuckled softly. The pain induced by time and rain is melting away slowly but softly.
Some actions are intentional, and some are not. But at times, our inner self longs for an action that our brain refuses. But at moments like this, when Namjoon and Taehyung hug, taking in a final breath of relief, loss, and hope for a better life, there is usually a thought or desire that overcomes the rational obstacles by the brain.
“Bye, Joon,” Taehyung leaves slowly as he pats Namjoon’s back and leaves a peck on his cheeks, smiling weakly.
“Bye Tae”
Namjoon stared at the silhouette of his once-boyfriend fading away into the street under the heavy rain. He wondered what the rain would mean to him now. The bitter-sweet memories will linger in every drop that touches the soil, but he will enjoy this poem nonetheless. As he catches the tiny smile and sparkling brown eyes once again under the dripping water from the umbrella, he chants to himself the glory of him, the rain.
"You never fall out of love. You are either in love with the person forever, or you were not really in love with that person at all, to begin with."
They knew that was not right. They knew the right answer, but letting go was easier