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Published:
2021-04-25
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1/1
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Heck We Got It Wrong: a 21 Chump Street Sequel

Summary:

Five years after Operation D Minus, Naomi runs into Justin at a coffee shop and they finally have that conversation.

A short musical.

Notes:

So Lin left some stuff out of his adaptation of that This American Life piece - it was actually Justin’s word against Naomi’s, with no proof either direction and with Justin's side having some inconsistencies - and it’s sorta always bugged me.

This fic is written in musical format - with lyrics in CAPITAL LETTERS - and the songs are patterned after Lin’s initial harmonies.

Work Text:

INT. COFFEE SHOP.

(JUSTIN, in a Starbucks uniform, tends the coffee bar, steadily getting through a line of people buying lattes. He looks tired and older than the last time we saw him.)

(The NARRATOR enters, walks over to Justin and opens up a binder. He reads.)

NARRATOR

Five years have passed since Operation D Minus. Naomi has moved on. Justin-

JUSTIN

THAT’S ME.

NARRATOR

-has not. Justin, tell us how you’ve been.

JUSTIN

I’M HAVIN A ROUGH TIME, MAN-

(Justin’s BOSS prompts Justin to stop talking. He points at the long line of customers.)

(Justin offers his best smile to the next customer in line, who orders. He whips up a latte.)

JUSTIN

I'M LONELY 

I'M LONELY

I'M LONELY

AND MY HEART'S BROKEN 

NARRATOR

Sounds like the last few years have been hard for you.

JUSTIN

Man, they so have. In high school I wanted

to make somethin of myself, go into the Air Force.

But with a felony on my record and no college degree,

this kind of job is the best I can do, ya know?

(Justin hands the finished latte over with another smile. He drops the smile as the customer leaves - then forces it again as the next customer approaches.)

NARRATOR

Justin doesn’t know it, but today things are going to change.

(The Narrator heads toward the door, where NAOMI enters. She’s dressed casually, not in uniform and not like a college student ... but she otherwise looks the same as when we last saw her.)

NARRATOR

Even though Naomi isn’t her name, for the sake

of consistency, she’s requested that we still call

her that. Naomi, how have the last five years been for you?

NAOMI

Look, I’m sorry but I don’t feel like talking about that.

Today’s my day off, I have to go to court tomorrow, I just

want a cup of coffee and to relax for a minute.

(Naomi gets in line. The line’s too long for Justin to notice her yet.)

NARRATOR

It sounds like you're feeling frustrated with your job. 

NAOMI

That doesn't even begin to cover it. There are 

pressures to this job I can't even begin to describe.

SERIOUSLY I’VE COME TO LEARN THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES IN LIFE

I’VE BEEN DOING MY JOB AND DOING IT RIGHT

AND I’VE BEEN PROMOTED TWICE NOW THIS WAY

I’VE MOVED ON FROM BUSTS TO OVERSEEING

MOSTLY TEAMS OF OFFICERS ON PATROL

BUT YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE

HOW OFTEN THEY DO THINGS THAT BOTHER ME

(Naomi gets closer to the counter.)

NAOMI

I BECAME AN OFFICER BECAUSE OF MY HORRIBLE CHILDHOOD

AND NOW IT FEELS LIKE I WORK FOR PEOPLE JUST AS ADDICTED TO FALSEHOOD

COPS STEALING MONEY WHEN THEY SHOULDN’T

AND AIMING FOR EYES WITH RUBBER BULLETS

A FELLOW OFFICER IS UP FOR TRIAL

I’M UP TO TESTIFY ON HIS SIDE OF THE AISLE

BUT I WAS THERE THE DAY HE HURT SOMEONE THAT LOOKED LIKE ME

SERIOUSLY I’M BEGINNING TO LEARN THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES TO EVERY CHOICE

IF I’M DOING MY JOB AND I’M DOING IT RIGHT WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I’M DOING WRONG?

(She reaches the front of the line.)

(Justin stops and stares. Naomi doesn’t seem to recognize him.)

NAOMI

A tall flat white please.

JUSTIN

OH MAN IT’S TRUE

NAOMI IT’S YOU

NAOMI

THE HECK DID YOU DO TO ME?

THE HECK DID YOU DO?

NAOMI

SORRY, DO I KNOW YOU?

NARRATOR

Justin looks very different from the last time Naomi saw him - he doesn’t just

look older, he’s also cut his hair short and has grown a few inches taller.

(Justin takes off his green server's cap. Naomi still just stares.) 

JUSTIN

NAOMI

NAOMI RODRIGUEZ 

IT’S JUSTIN

NARRATOR

And with that, it all comes flooding back to her. She was young and a new recruit then.

She went to classes, ate in the cafeteria, even had a fake Facebook account.

And Naomi remembers her certainty, too. The certainty that she was doing right.

NAOMI

I don't know what to say, I -

(Justin’s boss steps forward again, pushing Justin slightly.)

BOSS

Justin. Serve the lady.

(Justin shakes his boss off, doesn't break eye contact with Naomi. His boss gets red in the face and points at the customers behind Naomi.)

BOSS

Justin, help the customers now or you're fired!

NARRATOR

But Justin can only see one person in here, and she's standing right in front of him.

JUSTIN

MAN, I WORKED HARD TO GET THIS JOB

BUT YOU’RE HERE JUST CASUALLY BUYING COFFEE

AND WE GOTTA HAVE THIS TALK

EVEN IF IT MEANS I LOSE MY JOB

IT'S BEEN ON MY MIND FOR FIVE YEARS, MAN

I NEED TO KNOW

CAUSE BACK THEN I LIKED YOU THOUGH

NAOMI LISTEN YOU SET ME UP HERE

WE SEEMED TO HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON

YOU TOLD ME ALL ABOUT YOU

SO I THOUGHT I COULD OPEN UP TO YOU

YOU SEEMED SO INTO ME

I TOLD YOU ALL MY PROBLEMS

LET YOU COPY ALL MY HOMEWORK

AND THEN I LAID IT ALL ON THE LINE

AND ASKED YOU TO PROM

EVEN DANCED FOR YOU

NAOMI WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO TO ME?

THE HECK DID YOU DO?

(Naomi seems overwhelmed. She backs away from the counter and starts heading toward the door. Other patrons part around her, angry, startled.)

(Justin jumps right over the counter and grabs her shoulder. She wheels around and they face off in the center of the store.) 

NAOMI

Don't touch me, Justin.

JUSTIN

Why not? We touched back then. 

(Justin's boss looks pissed. He steps up to Justin.)

BOSS

Justin you’re fired! Turn in your uniform and take this outside! 

JUSTIN

Whatever bro.

(Justin takes off his uniform and tosses it on the counter. His boss whips out a cell phone and dials it.)

BOSS

EVERY EMPLOYER HAS AN EMPLOYEE THAT WON’T LISTEN

EVERY EMPLOYER NEEDS THE COPS TO BUST THE SHIFTLESS

COME ON OVER

COME ON OVER

(The boss hangs up his cell phone, throws Justin a furious look and crosses his arms, waiting.)

NAOMI

I don't know why you're saying all this,

because none of that is what actually happened.

JUSTIN

How can you deny it? You were there! 

NAOMI

JUSTIN LISTEN WE ONLY TALKED FOR A FEW WEEKS-

JUSTIN

WE TALKED FOR MONTHS AND EXCHANGED NUMBERS

I EVEN GOT UP IN FRONT OF CLASS AND DANCED FOR YOU

YOU SAID YOU'D GO TO PROM WITH ME

NAOMI

YOU JUST DANCED ONCE AND ONLY IN FRONT OF ME

I NEVER SAID I'D GO TO PROM WITH YOU

I TRIED EVERY EXCUSE TO GET OUT OF A DATE WITH YOU

THERE WERE SO MANY THINGS I SAID TO YOU

BUT YOU NEVER LISTENED

YOU NEVER LISTENED, JUSTIN

JUSTIN

YOU REALLY THINK I’D HAVE BOUGHT WEED FOR ANYONE IF I NEVER MET YOU?

NAOMI

JUSTIN LISTEN YOU SAID YOU SMOKED THAT WEED

JUSTIN

I ONLY SAID THAT I COULD GET IT

AND ONLY CAUSE YOU ASKED ME TO GET IT

MY HEART WASN’T IN IT COULDN’T YOU TELL

WHEN IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO GET IT?

COULDN’T YOU TELL WHEN I DIDN’T WANT YOUR MONEY?

NAOMI

JUSTIN LISTEN YOU WERE THE ONE WHO BROUGHT IT UP FIRST

AND IT ONLY TOOK YOU TWO DAYS TO GET IT

YOU TOOK THE MONEY RIGHT AWAY AND DIDN'T ARGUE

JUSTIN

WE SPENT TEN MINUTES ARGUING OVER THAT MONEY

NAOMI

YOU TOOK THE MONEY

AND DIDN'T ARGUE

YOU DIDN'T ARGUE JUSTIN

JUSTIN

YOU GRABBED THE MONEY NAOMI AND THEN WE KISSED

(Naomi stares.) 

NAOMI

Justin. We never kissed.

JUSTIN

Yeah we did.

NAOMI

What are you talking about? We didn’t kiss, you were underage! We never even touched each other. Not once.

(Justin looks confused - then shakes it off.) 

JUSTIN

WHATEVER SO SOME DETAILS ARE OFF

YOU CAN’T DENY THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT

IF YOU WERE A GUY I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT

NAOMI YOU SET ME UP TO FAIL

YOU SET ME UP NAOMI

NAOMI

BUT JUSTIN JUST BECAUSE YOU WERE CRUSHING DOESN’T ABSOLVE YOU

THE AWFUL THINGS I’VE SEEN DRUGS DO

AT LEAST THIS I COULD SHOW YOU

AND MAKE YOUR LIFE A LITTLE SAFER THAN MINE WAS

JUST LISTEN, JUST LISTEN TO ME JUSTIN

JUSTIN

BUT I NEVER SOLD DRUGS I DIDN’T EVEN DO THEM

AND I STILL DON’T EVEN THOUGH MY LIFE IS RUINED

SO YOU USED ME TO MAKE A POINT THAT DOESN’T ABSOLVE YOU

DON’T PUSH A KID TO DO SOMETHING JUST BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE ADULT IN THE ROOM INSTEAD YOU RUINED MY LIFE

(They're circling each other, but now Naomi stops.)

NAOMI

I ruined your life?

(Justin stops too.) 

JUSTIN

… yeah. I mean. Maybe not ruined. But I got a feIony on my record because of you.

I guess maybe I blew some of this out of proportion, but yeah. My life now isn't

what I wanted at all because of this. And I was just a kid. You know? 

(Naomi takes a few steps back. She leans against a chair, turning away from Justin. Memories flood her, and her face twists with emotion.)

NAOMI

JUSTIN I UNDERSTAND WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE YOUR LIFE RUINED

WHEN I WAS YOUNG I SAW AWFUL THINGS

ABUSE AND DEATH AND SADNESS

I THOUGHT I WAS SAVING YOU FROM THAT LIFE

BUT YOU'RE RIGHT

YOU WERE JUST A KID

(Naomi comes back to Justin and stands so they’re face to face. It's Justin's turn to back up now, but she stops and offers her hand.) 

(Justin reaches out and takes her hand. They shake.) 

JUSTIN

NAOMI I CAN SEE YOUR SIDE TOO

I WANTED TO DATE YOU SO MUCH

I PUSHED PAST YOUR EVERY SINGLE WORD

JUSTIN/NAOMI

FINALLY I SEE IT NOW

WHAT THE HECK WENT WRONG HERE

WHAT THE HECK WE BOTH GOT WRONG

NAOMI

WHEN I MET YOU I WAS NEW ON THE SQUAD AND SO HOPEFUL

BUT I’VE BECOME THE THING I SWORE NOT TO BE

I’M OLDER AND THE AUTHORITY

IN DOING MY JOB AND DOING IT RIGHT I HURT SOMEONE TOO MUCH LIKE ME

JUSTIN

I PUSHED TOO HARD AND DIDN’T LISTEN

I WAS SO SURE I LOVED YOU

I CONVINCED MYSELF OF THINGS WE DIDN’T EVEN DO

JUSTIN/NAOMI

WE ONLY SAW WHAT WE WANTED TO SEE

WE ONLY SAW WHAT WE WANTED TO SEE IN EACH OTHER

I WANTED A BUST/WANTED A DATE

NEITHER OF US ARE WHAT WE THOUGHT WE WERE TO EACH OTHER

HECK WE GOT IT WRONG AND HURT EACH OTHER

HECK WE GOT IT WRONG

WE GOT IT WRONG

(The police have arrived while Justin and Naomi sing; the boss points at Justin, shouting distantly.)

NARRATOR

But Justin and Naomi can only see each other. Clearly, and at last. For the first time, for both of them.

(The cops tap Justin on the shoulder.

(Justin turns around. Naomi stops them. Flashes her badge)

NAOMI

This kid's fine. We were just talking.

(The cop points out the door. The boss smirks. Naomi nods at Justin, and they both exit.)

(They stand outside the coffee shop in the rain.) 

JUSTIN

Thank you.

NAOMI

JUSTIN I CAN’T FIX WHAT I DID WRONG HERE

BUT I DO WANT TO THANK YOU TOO JUSTIN

YOU’VE SHOWN ME THAT POLICE CAN’T LOSE THE SENSE OF WHO WE’RE REALLY SERVING

AND WHY WE’RE REALLY HERE

I WAS GOING TO BE A WITNESS FOR A FELLOW OFFICER

BUT NOW I’LL BE THE WITNESS AGAINST HIM

AND WORK TO KEEP THE WORLD SAFER FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME AND YOU

JUSTIN

NAOMI I’M GLAD THERE WAS A REASON YOU CAME IN HERE TODAY

I GUESS IT WAS DESTINY

I DIDN’T NEED THIS JOB ANYWAY

AND I THINK IT’S TIME TO STOP FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF

AND BUILD A LIFE WHERE I AM NOW

JUSTIN/NAOMI

HECK I GOT IT WRONG

BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO MOVE ALONG

AND BE MORE REAL WITH THE WORLD AS IT IS.

(They share a single nice moment. A real, genuine connection this time.)

(They both leave in opposite directions.)